Maylissa Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 As of yesterday, I've fallen right back into the fear I've feared so much, if you can understand that....being fearful of fear itself! I can barely breath today, because yesterday we took our darling fur-girl to the vet...and got extremely bad news. As if her condition wasn't bad enough already, as if there wasn't already enough illness and care that I had to worry about, and unfailingly provide throughout every single day, we ended up doing some tests and finding out her blood pressure was right off the scale ( 280 and 260, when it should be around 80 or so! ), so high that it's already at least partially, if not entirely, detached one of her retinas, rendering her pretty much blind in one eye, and also having to deal with catatacts in both eyes! This is on top of her chronic renal failure, osteoarthritis, and chronic interstitial cystitis!!! We start BP medicine ( not w/o its own risks and side-effects ) tomorrow, as the pharmacist couldn't compound it in time today. Then it will be back to the vet's in a wk's time, to recheck the dosage and see if it's even helping. We also now have to give her sub-cu. fluids regularly, and after she almost got stabbed in a vital organ with the needle yesterday ( from a different way of giving them that we decided to try while someone else could demonstrate it for us ), it's very iffy that she'll allow us to help her this way anyway.This is akin to, but even worse, since WE have to be the nurses to her, than the feelings I went through only 2 years ago, with my Mom so ill with too many conditions to keep track of. And worse, too, because....this is my BABY! My joy, my love, my world....my everything! This scenario is even worse than all the ones I've dreamed up in my head, in trying to prepare myself for her kidneys eventually shutting down, and what that would mean in terms of care, suffering, decisions on her behalf....oh, God....I never imagined she and we would be saddled with even MORE problems! I'm so afraid, to think, to do the necessary research that I'm known for doing on her behalf, to feel....the FEAR, consuming me right now, more intense than what I felt for my own Mother, because with THIS, almost everything IS in my own, two, motherly hands. And I'm always supposed to stay as calm as possible around her, so as not to pass on these terrible vibes -- cats are ultra-sensitive to them, and especially when they're coming from their own loved ones. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. These past 2 years have been hard enough, trying to grieve w/o upsetting her too much. Now I want to scream, at Mothergod, for making this reality worse than my original fears, to run away, from all this heartache, anxiety and worry, grief and...FEAR!!! I want to cloister myself away, or fall asleep and never have to wake up again. If even ONE, insensitive clod says to me, "Well, what can you expect? She's OLD!", I think I shall punch them in the face, with no regrets! She's my BABY!! How could I feel anything LESS?!?! Had I, or her 2 vets, suspected anything like this judging from her behaviour, I would have had her in the clinic 2 months ago, before things got this bad! I forced myself to stay calm yesterday, truly believing that if I did so, things wouldn't be as bad as I'd imagined, and I'd be able to handle the news we were half-expecting. But we got THIS instead, for all my efforts. This was my 'reward', for all the hard work I've put into griefwork and all it entails. I cannot, at all, be positive now, for FEAR something else hideous is lurking in the shadows, waiting until I let my worry-guard down, readying itself to visit even more pain and suffering on me, on my sweet, little bundle. I feel paralyzed...with fear. I'd also better not ever hear that hackneyed, old phrase ever again - "God only gives you as much as you're able to handle." Because if this is what comes out of growth and courage, then I want no PART of it! I'd rather stay the same, and have less horrible things happen to the ones I love. Let me handle LESS, not more!! I used to quake in fear just hearing about others whose cats or dogs had numerous, difficult to deal with conditions, and wonder -- HOW do those poor people contend with all that?! I never could....and now I'm one of them...but I'm not handling it very well. There's no courage inside me. There's only FEAR, and more sorrow than I feel capable of dealing with yet. I'm such a mess, I can barely express myself properly - it's not even coming out right, and for me, that's NOT normal. I just want to give up. This physical world stinks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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