rdownes Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 I am sorry if what I am about to post sounds like babble it is just have so many thoughts. As I look back at the start of this journey I can remember the total feeling of it can't be true this is not happening, the feeling of utter disbelief and denial. I found this group and amazing people shared their pain, struggles, and even their hopes with me and I learned so much and wanted to try and show comfort when I could though being new to grief I wasn't sure how I could help anyone, I know it is the beginning and I have a long journey but it does feel like it is getting better in the fact that I don't dread getting up anymore I may not be a truly happy person anymore but I guess I have accepted this is my life now and I can't walk around like the world has ended anymore, I am watching my family try and put the pieces back together of some sort of life and I have to try to do the same, my daughter is moving out in two months with my grandson, my son is only gonna be here for like two more years I need to find my way, I know it will be hard, I know I miss and love my Kevin down to my soul but I have to find my way out of this darkness. Do I make any sense is it even possible just want more than always feeling this way. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 We all want to feel that way. Desperately. You have a lot coming up in your future in top of your huge loss. I hope you can keep feeling the momentum forward. But ebb and flow happens. It's being aware of that when it sucker punches us that becomes almost an art form of survival. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 I definitely empathize with you. I still struggle with the acceptance of my wife's death. We had such hopes and dreams together. I am rudderless without direction, a sail, or paddles. The reality of it all is still battering me about. Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day with new opportunity to accept, learn, and grow. - Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Robin, you are still early in your journey but you have made amazing strides since you first posted here. You have been very receptive to the words of us who are further along. I've been so impressed with your steady movement in a positive direction. I know how hard it's been. Having said that, just when things seem better, a wave will hit that knocks you back. But as Gwen mentioned, that's just the ebb and flow we're all learning to deal with. By the way, nothing you said sounded like babble to me. Just the heartfelt words of a woman grieving the loss of the man she loved. Hugs. Mitch 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 I know it is the waves hitting that I am going to have to get through and still find the drive to move forward which is my biggest obstacle I know a wave will be hitting soon it has been in awhile since that unbearable, uncontrollable feeling has hit right now I guess I am in the call before the storm mode but I do feel like I am learning to deal with and accept things it is still hard though but you guys help me so much in the drive to move forward because I know I am not alone 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Robin, you will find your way. I know it's going to be hard when your daughter moves out and takes your grandson. Going through these changes without our spouse here is tough, but we do it by putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time. We just keep going. And you're already doing that! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 I was sitting talking about plans in the next few months with my one son, once my daughter moves I need to move to a smaller house to bring down my expenses and I could actually talk about it without feeling utterly hopeless but will definitely not be looking past next few months am not quite there yet baby steps but feels better to be taking any steps. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 6 minutes ago, rdownes said: I was sitting talking about plans in the next few months with my one son, once my daughter moves I need to move to a smaller house to bring down my expenses and I could actually talk about it without feeling utterly hopeless but will definitely not be looking past next few months am not quite there yet baby steps but feels better to be taking any steps. Robin, moving isn't easy under any circumstances and doing it while you're grieving is even harder. But, you have to do what's best for you, it's that simple. I'm so proud of those forward steps you are taking. You've shown great courage and strength and I'm glad you come here and lean on us. On a personal note, It feels good knowing I've been able to help you cope in some small way. Mitch 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Mitch yes you have everyone has helped me in more ways than they will ever know I am truly grateful for this community. I have to try and start piecing my life back together in a way that is do able for me with Kevin gone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Robin, I know what you mean but it's not so much "piecing it back together" as it's learning to survive in a life that you never would've chosen to live. And then to get beyond just surviving to functioning and finally, finding some fulfillment. That old life that we had with our soul mate is not coming back, unfortunately. All of us here are coping the best we can. We have some OK days and some awful days. Ultimately, those OK days will hopefully begin to outnumber the bad ones. Don't I wish we could all have our old lives back! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Robin, I think that you are definitely doing much better.....you'll still feel unsure, and unsteady....and the grief will still "hit"....but! You WANT to find your way out of the darkness, you WANT to not always feel this way, as you stated. I believe...if we persevere in making a new life (I cannot say "better life", it can't be better without our beloved at our side!), one that we can perhaps even find some peace and even a measure of happiness in.....it's a huge step to even have these thoughts? I think you are on a good path.....just do whatever you feel is right for you to hopefully achieve your goals! Wishing you all the best! Kat 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 Thank you Kat it is scary but I must keep trying and taking those steps. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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