Dusky

Hello my Dear Friends, Below you will find my Christmas 2009 letter that I send to family and friends. Each year I also pass it along to you as well - my grief site family. I have not been engaged in this site for a few months, but I still regularly read the postings. I can tell from these postings that there are many broken hearts that have joined our ranks during the past year, and it always breaks my heart to know that this grief process is just beginning for someone else. To those new folks who do not know me - my profile is here to read along with some old postings that are still floating around this site. At the end of this posting are links to my web site as well, along with information regarding a book I wrote to help me heal from the loss of my partner. My web site and book are there to help others. Please visit this site if you wish. My Christmas letter this year are a combination of my own words along with references to the book written by Mitch Albom called "For One More Day." My own thoughts and feelings are intertwined with verbiage from a publication called "Wings" and an article called "Even This Santa Gives Thanks," written by an individual named Nan Zastrow following the death of her son Chad. I think more than anything I want to make sure all those new grieving souls on this site remember that you can and will survive your loss. I am here as living proof that you can survive - as long as you make that decision to survive. Please read my Christmas letter - from beginning to end. I hope - it brings you hope. My Christmas Letter is my gift to you - here it is: Christmas 2009 - "Life is a Gift - Make It Worthy" In the opening paragraph of Mitch Albom's book entitled, "For One More Day" he says, "... every family is a ghost story ... the dead sit at our tables long after they have gone." The reality of these words visits us all - eventually. The book explores the question, "What would you do if you could spend one more day with a lost loved one?" For me the more interesting question would be "What do you do with your life after you have spent one more day with your lost loved one?" This latter question - I have answered. The former remains an unattainable wish - reachable only in my dreams or in the passages of Mitch Albom's book. In this season of peace - I have made peace with death and the grief surrounding death. I have found peace in my life. "Life is a gift - make it worthy." Here is how I did it. This is my fifth Christmas without Jack; the sixth without Dusky; the third without my father; and the first without my mother - who died in October. Christmas is a time to remember and give thanks. I remember and give thanks every day, every hour of my life for what each of these beautiful lives meant to me when they were part of my everyday existence. On special occasions - I still wear his ring, on a chain around my neck. In this season of seasons, I feel blessed. Life is a gif. And I have been empowered to make it worthy. For my dear, Jack, the gift of life was far too brief - and my time with him briefer. Yet there are many who have lost those they loved at an even younger age. So I am lucky - thankful and grateful for the 27 years I had with Jack. For Dusky his life was long in "dog years" yet briefer than Jack's life. My parents lives' were long, and for this I am thankful. When a twinge of pain reminds me of Jacks brief time on this earth I remind myself of the quotation by Bertha Damon that says, " Beauty that dies the soonest has the longest life. Because it cannot keep itself for a day, we keep it forever. Because it can have existence only in memory, we give it immortality there." That always makes me feel better. The five living beings, at the core of what I called my family, are now all gone. Yet I am still blessed to have my two sisters Cate and Barbara in my life along with my "almost" sister Judy, my two friends David and David, and my new partner Ray. It has been five holiday seasons since my first Christmas without Jack and I've never been able to return to the popularity the holiday once had. My heart goes out to those who in this past year have lost loved ones. I can visualize what their holiday will be like. There is an overriding sense of pain that hangs over the merriment that others feel. It stifles the comfort of music, takes the fun out of tradition, and causes major guilt at the thought of laughter. Grief and Ebenezer Scrooge make good bedfellows. I realize only now what an important element of the holidays our loved ones are. Jack, along with Dusky and my parents, were the special elements that put thankfulness into Thanksgiving, happy in Birthday and merry into Christmas. I am grateful for these memories. It's hard to believe I'm facing my fifth Christmas without Jack - and now the first without my mother. That first holiday after his death, my heart ached with every thought of celebration. I couldn't find a way to celebrate anything that would bring me comfort. I tried all the things one is supposed to do to cope with the approaching holidays, but nothing seemed right. I had no idea how to deal with holidays in the midst of dealing with grief. It's no wonder that by the time the holidays arrived my anxiety level had peaked. All I wanted to do was to get it over with! I didn't make a very good Santa that year. I couldn't care less if I shopped. I could not find peace. I cried through every ornament I would see. I was a Santa that had no reason to give thanks. I was miserable by choice. I was angry at god - that I was not even sure I believed in - for allowing my life to take such a turn. I felt sorry for myself; and I wanted everyone to feel my pain. I still felt disbelief that Jack's death had even occurred. I couldn't see the joy of the present moment; I was too busy feeling the wounds of the past. And try as I did to deny it - the reality was there, when he was not there on Christmas 2005. Then Jack's son moved away in 2006 with Jack's granddaughters - and another piece of Jack vanished. We choose our paths, our attitudes, or our misfortunes. We make the choices; and sometimes, life just happens! It's easy to give thanks when life is splendid. But giving thanks when life faces dark moments is a priceless message of trust. Today, with certainty, I can say, "Facing the holidays does get better and it does get a little easier." The anticipation of my reaction on the first holiday without Jack was much greater than the actual emotion I felt. Maybe I cried myself out before the holidays ever came. However, for a brief time every holiday season, the nagging pain of Christmas past beckons at my door reminding me of where I've been and where I am today. Overcoming the desperation of grief takes work. Facing each and every holiday is a necessary part towards healing the pain. I discovered long ago that I couldn't run away from the pain, nor hide the reality of inevitable change. All I could do was adjust my attitude and change my state of mind. I had to face up to the question, "What am I going to do with the rest of my life" Instead of fighting life - because of Jack's death - and all the death and separation that followed his death - I decided to live it! Along with deciding to live it, there came choices. I wouldn't be at the point in my grief where I am today if I hadn't made a choice to survive. I'm finding new ways of bringing hope back into a small part of the world - which puts some meaning back into Christmas for me. I'm convinced that when we put happiness into the present moment, and live for that present moment, we put reason back into this season as well. I chose to help others understand their feelings when the holidays hurt. I chose to offer help for anyone grieving. I chose to make myself available to others who may need some assistance in overcoming the loss of a partner. I chose to help organizations that help others who are in pain - in time & money. I chose to write a book that speaks from experience and speaks from the heart. In the darkness of the journey through grief, there are some shining lights. I have made peace with the past and chased away those who could not comprehend pain associated with losing a mate. I have changed because of my experience. Today the sun shines on me, and through me. In spite of my grief, I have been truly blessed. As the year comes to an end and the holidays approach, I am focusing on my successes and those blessings I sometimes take for granted. I am blessed because I could choose my attitude and my choices gave me new options. That doesn't make it any easier. I still miss the things I'll never have, but I don't ponder on them anymore. I look for richness in something else: the return of winter in the desert, the companionship of those who care, the quiet moments, and new experiences. Who knows what lies ahead? I am blessed with family and friends who value my commitments. How easy it is to get wrapped up in something you believe in. And just as easily such commitments can be misinterpreted by "outsiders" who don't understand. I have family and friends that support me beyond a shadow of a doubt and make it easy for me to do what I find value in doing. I am blessed by the gift of writing and I've found a way to use this gift effectively. I've always wanted to write, but didn't have anything worth writing about. Jack's death was not the driving force I would have desired to motivate me to write, but it happened. I think Jack would be proud of me. I am blessed with a healthy mind, body, and spirit. I am blessed with the gift of a new day each morning. My life is full. I have created purpose; and this purpose gives me reason to get up everyday and a reason to smile. In this season of seasons, I feel blessed. Life is a gift. And I have been empowered to make it worthy. For Jack the gift of life was far too brief. But in the brevity of those 56 years, he lived and touched the lives of many. Most of all, he touched mine. His death uncovered my weaknesses, but the spirit of his being has brought out the music in my soul. My "new" or changed traditions are consistent with my heart. I'm enjoying people and relationships because they are meaningful. I'm taking time to reflect. I remind myself that it's okay to yearn for the past, but only momentarily. On special occasions - I still wear his ring, on a chain around my neck. There is much to do in the present. Christmas past-ornaments remind me of my family who have died and gone before me. Sparkling message of guardian angels. Stars of hope. Bells of joy. They are silent chorus of beautiful memories - the greatest present of all. With all this to be grateful for ... I wish you each a Merry Christmas .... With Love ... John

Deborah, Thank you for your kind words. I am always grateful when my own experience as well as my web suite and book can help another individual. Deborah you area wonderful person - with a big heart. Having met you personally I know that you have the strength and ability to transcend the loss of Deb. Each person on this site knows the terrible pain of losing their mate. It is a wonderful place to come for comfort. Hospice of the Valley is a remarkable organization - and Marty runs this site with such compassion and intellect. We are all better off for the organization, the moderator and each other. For those of you who are new to this site, I encourage you to visit my web site and explore my book - both will help you heal. My information is listed below. Let me leave you with the following quote by William Arthur Ward who said, “Our Words reveal our thoughts - Our Manner mirrors our self image - Our Actions reflect our character - Our Habits predict the future” Love and peace to each of you,

Gary Matters Foundation - the foundation established by my friend Lanette - is sponsoring a Special Event to raise funds to help the foundation assist those individuals and families afflicted by a brain tumor diagnosis. The following three links provides all the information to assist anyone interested in participating. The event is a baseball game between The Arizona Diamond Backs and the Philadelphia Phillies on July 28,2009. A t-shirt is part of a package deal which can be purchased - and - the t-shirts lists the web site of my book "Finding my Banana Bread Man" - as well as other organizations which help to assist individuals and families affected by brain tumors. http://www.graymattersfoundation.org http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvi...DXZHGBYCKQKTDVZ http://findingmybananabreadman.com/index.php?page_id=286

KayC, Happy Birthday to George. Isn't it wonderful that we have come to the point where we can celebrate these moments without a steady stream of tears. I see that George and Jack had birthdays back to back - June babies. Nothing like a Gemini to spice up your life. Thank God for memories!

Hello to everyone, In tribute and memory to what would have been Jack's 60th birthday on Monday June 15 I have place a special tab on my web site which includes a musical presentation of the song - "The Prayer." Just click on the link below - it will take you to this tribute and musical presentation: http://findingmybananabreadman.com/index.php?page_id=285 Enjoy ... and Happy Birthday Jack

What does the old saying state, “The well made plans of mice and men – often go astray.” Then there is the one that says, “God laughs when you make plans.” I may not have quoted these old sayings perfectly – but you get the meaning. One thing I have learned during these last four years of grieving is to try not to plan too much. However, “yes” Jack and I had plans. We were headed into what I like to refer to as the semi-retirement stages of our lives – although getting Jack to slow down was a very difficult task. Eventually the ability of Jack to stand all day cutting hair would have driven him from the occupation and life’s work that he loved so much. He would have learned to enjoy the retirement that we worked so hard to obtain – at a young age. We would have traveled – but most importantly, we would have just enjoyed each other’s company and that of his son Tom and the grandchildren. When Jack received his terminal diagnosis his first thought was that, he was not going to see his five-year-old granddaughter graduate or get married. It is these family events and adventures, and future memorable moments - part of our mentally planned future - that now exist only in “what would have been” thought and un-played scenarios that exist only in the mind.” It has been reconstructing these lost images that have been the most difficult part of the grieving process. Therefore, I try to move forward – vowing to never forget him – and realizing that what might have been most certainly died with him. Moreover realizing that he is still always with me, and I plan to take him with me, in my heart, on any adventures and beauty in life that still awaits me – just around the corner. I’m reminded once again of that beautiful quotation of Berta Damon that reads, "Beauty that dies the soonest has the longest life. Because it cannot keep itself for a day, we keep it forever. Because it can have existence only in memory, we give it immortality there". I cannot take him physically with me – But I can certainly give him “existence” in my memory – and “immortal” place.

Thank you all for your kind reply to Jack's memorial Rock. Just to answer a few questions that some of you have posed. Mary Linda - I don't have a bench yet - but it is something I may add. Finding a spot may be the tricky part. For now it is all very close to the patio and chairs there. Teny - You asked - "How did you choose a ancient Greek Poet?" The answer - for a number of reasons - one being that you find some of the best philosophers and poets in ancient Greek literature. Another reason was that I have always loved that particular quote and it applies so well to the lessons learned through the grief process. Finally, it is the quotation that rests near the grave of Robert F. Kennedy, and I have always had a great love for the Kennedy family and Robert (Bobby) in particular. Again - thanks to each of you for replying.

My Dear Friends, I recently sent the following e-mail to all my friends and family following the arrival and placement of a Memorial Rock to honor Jack. It now sits in my back yard. I wanted to share this message with each of you as well. I wanted to let so many of those individuals on this site, who are in the early stages of grieving their loved one, that you can transcend the loss of your mate - and one of the pieces of that puzzle is to create memorials to your lost love. At the end there are attachments 9pictures) showing the Memorial Rock honoring Jack. Here is the message I sent out to all my friends and family: To all my Dear Friends and Family, I have reached a milestone here in my life and wanted to share it with each of you. It was always my intention to create a memorial place – a headstone – in memory of Jack. He will be gone from each of us four years at the end of July. At first, it was my intent to have two trees planted in Fountain Hills as a memorial to what we meant to each other. That never went anywhere mainly because of problems that the city was having with their watering system. I then turned my attention to the possibility of a memorial marker in Norway Michigan, the place of Jacks birth. I finally decided that this option was nonsensical for me because I would seldom if ever be able to visit a cemetery so far away. Moreover, Jack never wanted to return to Norway – he loved Arizona. Therefore, I gave up on that idea. I contemplated having a headstone at a local Scottsdale cemetery, however, that too seemed mired in a lot of expense for something I would seldom venture out in public to view. I finally decided on a Memorial Rock for Jack in my own back yard. The pictures attached are the result – the living memorial to Jack. I hope each of you will be able to open these attachments – and if you can, there are a few where you can "zoom in on" and read the inscription. If you cannot open these up – fell free to visit my home any time. (One of the attachments is "the message" that appears on the rock - for those of you who cannot "Zoom IN" on the pictures) There are a few people who were instrumental in making this happen – and I want to mention them personally in this message: Judi – who gave me this wonderful idea and then watched as I formulated the final product and the message on the rock. David and David – who listened to the details and provided advice guidance and support along the way. My mother – who listened and encouraged me as I shared these plans. Ray – you will see a great deal of vegetation in the pictures, and much of it was planted with his labor - a beautiful green oasis of reflection. Finally, even Jack gets a thank you – as many of the planted and potted cacti that are in the area just behind the Memorial Rock - were potted and planted by Jack himself – or me helping him do that work years ago. For me the process of grieving Jack has been long and torturous. However, I have worked every moment of it – every minute, hour, day, week, month and year of it. If you do not - you are unable to emerge from the other side of grief. I am 85 percent there – I have 10 percent more to go – and 5 percent will remain a life long journey. I suppose only those of you who have lost a spouse or mate will be able to understand that 5 percent - which will simply stay with me forever. I am living proof that you can transcend this type of loss. I wear the scares of this process with honor, and would have taken no other path to arrive at where I am. The Memorial Rock for Jack, as well as the book I wrote in his memory, are two of the greatest tangible examples to that recovery. If you are receiving this message, it means you mean something to me or you were someone special to Jack. As Jack would have said in closing – and which phrase means something if you have read "Finding My Banana Bread Man" "Love you – lots lots" John www.findingmybananabreadman.com

Edward, I do not know if this will help you or not, however I will present it for what it is worth and hope that at least it will be one more piece of information for you to consider as you attempt to resolve the issues you are facing with a person who is grieving. I recently wrote the following information to an individual to explain the type of struggle a grieving person has in attempting to foster a new relationship. This is what I wrote: “People who suffer the loss of a mate are often not able to show affection to another until that inner peace is found – and the struggle to paint a different picture of the future has been completed. Somehow, in some twisted mental thought process, affection to another is emotionally seen as a betrayal to the one who has been lost. It takes all the power that the human spirit can muster to lovingly place all the pieces of a lost love away and recognize the beauty of someone else loving you. It is a constant struggle of regret over a life taken too soon, a conceived and planned future destroyed and an attempt to put a new face to the here and now. Only those who have experienced this type of loss can know how difficult it is to properly recover and make all the pieces of that puzzle fit or to fit as well as they will ever fit.” I hope these words have helped – or at least given a different perspective. My best of luck to you.

I ran across this song some time ago - and cant remember if I ever shared it with the group. Here is a link - i hope it helps in some small way. http://www.spiritlyric.com/song.html

I recently sent out the following e-mail message to all my friends and family. I wanted to share it with all of you as well. Here it is: Hello to you all. May is brain tumor awareness month. My dear friend Lanette, who herself suffers from a brain tumor and is an eight plus year survivor, is very active in helping victims of this terrible illness. She has turned her journey with this cancer into something positive, and daily helps the victims of brain tumors and their families with the emotional struggle that this illness presents. She was there for Jack and I during his illness, and has been there for me each day since he has been gone. Please visit her web site below. On the Home Page you will find an invitation to visit Applebee's Restaurant (May 3rd or 16th) where you can have 10% of your bill donated to her foundation - Gray Matters). The web site explains everything she does to assist families struggling with this type of cancer. Grey Matters is a very worthy organization. Go enjoy a meal, on either of these days, and help fight brain tumors. (Note - you must copy and print the flyer and present it to your server to get the 10% donation). The offer is only available in Arizona - so that will leave all my out of state friends and family ineligible - but I thought you may still want to know about this deserving foundation. However, for all my Arizona friends - what a great way to help a worth foundation, and at the same time honor Jack. Also on the Home Page you will find (in the Yellow Box on the lower left hand corner) information bout "What Happens at Gray Matters." The last story listed in that Yellow Block is about Jack - entitled "John R. Davis': The Banana Bread Man" Visit this area as well, as it is a perfect example of how this wonderful woman touched our lives and continues to touch lives today. My web site, regarding the entire story of Jack, is listed at the bottom of the page about Jack. She is a real gem - and deserves you support. Here's the web site to Gray Matters: http://www.graymattersfoundation.com/ Love you all - Lots Lots, John

Boo, The poem is beautiful - thank you for sharing it. Peace,

Kathy and Boo, Thanks for your reply - every time I can help another person manage their way through some of this painful journey it helps me as well. This journey takes time - and is excruciatingly slow - but there is life to be had "down the road." With Love and Peace,

Hello everyone, Every one in a while, I like to post a note on here for all my fellow grievers. I do not post too often anymore; however, I do read all your posts. My Jack as been gone nearly 4 years now and it still saddens me when I see all the new folks coming into this community of grievers – just starting this terribly difficult process. It is for this reason that I am writing today. So many of you do not know me – you are so new to this process and I have not posted in some time. I just wanted once again to offer each of you the link to my web site and the book that I wrote following Jacks death as possible tools to help you all heal. Whether you read my book or not important, and I do not mention it to make money. It was written to help me heal, which is exactly what writing it help me do. I am only seeking to help each of you and I know that reading numerous books after Jack died did in fact help me heal. What I would strongly encourage each of you to do is visit my web site as it is a healing place to assist you in this difficult process. In addition to information about my book, it is filled with many inspirational pieces and music. See the web links below (following my signature) Peace and love to each of you.

Mrspapajohn, The answer to your question is no – you were not in any way the cause of your husbands death or any of the suffering which accompanied his illness. I do however know all about these lingering feelings of guilt because of actions we take during the course of their illness. The bottom line is that we do the best we can given the circumstances we are faced with at that moment in time. I know all too well what I am speaking of, having made one decision during my Jacks illness, which I feared may have lead to a stroke and total blindness following his initial surgery for brain cancer. It was difficult, especially in the months and years after Jack’s death, to forgive myself. Finally, I realized that Jack would have been the first in line to forgive me. We have such a difficult time as human beings forgiving ourselves. The reality is that we do not need forgiveness – but we feel as if we do. We did the best we could under the direst of circumstances. The other reality is that our loved one would be the first to give us forgiveness regardless of the validity of its need. It is our feeling that we need to be forgiven that haunts us. It took me years to finally come to the realization that I did the best under a most difficult situation – and – that my mate would be the first to absolve me of any self-inflicted guilt I had. It was the self-forgiveness that was the most difficult. I tell my story in the book I wrote following Jack’s death. The story I told about my journey through mourning helped me heal. One of the reasons I wrote it was to help others who have traveled trough the similar loss of a mate to also heal. Please let me help you. I don’t often recommend that someone buy my book, however, in this instance it may be worth your time and effect to do so. If nothing else, visit my web site (listed below) as it may help you through this difficult time. It always helps to know that there have been others that faced similar circumstances and how they wrestled with these emotions after losing a mate. My web site and information regarding my book follows.

Peggy, This problem is so common with individuals in our lives who don't know what to say or do about our loss and so they say nothing. They believe they are doing the kind thing by ignoring our loved ones name and we end up feeling hurt. My Jack died at the end of July 2005 - and our anniversary was near the end of October - Here is what I did that first anniversary. I had a group of close friends to our home and we made some small cologne sashes. We took the rose petals from Jacks celebration of life ceremony sprayed them with Jack's favorite cologne and assembled these little sashes for the small group of friends that were there that day. Then at Christmas I gave many of them away to friends and family in memory of Jack. We tied a little message to each sash along with a ink stamped picture of our dear dog Dusky who died during Jacks illness. So - that is what I did the first anniversary after Jack died. I've gone through 3 more since then - and none of them is easy. People don't remember anymore - just me. I suppose that is natural that I'm the only one to remember any more - after all he meant more to me than anyone one else and his loss affects me more than anyone else. Now I remember the day very quietly - with my memories - and one of those little cologne sashes I made with freinds that first anniversary without him. Visit my website listed below - I think it will help you. I also deal with this problem in the book I wrote.

Bdzack, Just a little information of co-mingling ashes. I know there is not a problem if you live in Arizona. Jack and I always said our ashes (along with our cat and dog) would be co-mingled - and then scattered over the Four Peaks - a mountain range just east of Phoenix. When Jack died I requested that our cat and dogs ashes be put together with Jack. The only question the mortuary had was whether I wanted the ashes separate and in the same container - or - all mixed (co-mingled) together. I told them to mix them ALL together. Mine will be added later - and then we will all be scattered. My hunch is regardless of the state the answer would be the same. I like having Jack (Dusky and Buck) right here with me - where I can say hello every day.

Donna, Please visit my web site listed below - I think it may help you to begin to process the many faces of grief.

Wendy, I have this song "To Where You Are" on my web site (listed below) - but I did not have this You Tube version - so I added it under the Inspiration Section of my site. Thanks for bringing this You Tube presentation to my attention.

Teny, I sent the Amazing Grace presentation to you - to the e-mail address you gave me here. I hope you got it. Let me know.

When I look at the three responses from my post – those from KayC, Walt and JeanneC – it strikes me that within this short thread of posts are a snapshot of the grief process during the first four years after losing a mate. The pain that we all feel in the early days of grief does soften – a message that the more senior members of this group like KayC, Walt and I often try to relay to the newer members such as JeanneC. Pain does not totally subside – but those ruff edges can in fact be smoothed. Eventually we can begin to see color in some of those black and white images that torture us in the early days of sorrow. They say that a picture is “worth a thousand words” and that “music touches places beyond our touching.” Therefore, all the words of this post, and the replies to this post, are that snapshot of grief we seek to explain to each other. Moreover, when you combine our collective words with the pictures and the words of the “Amazing Grace” presentation, it all begins to make a little more sense. I urge each of the readers of this post to e-mail me directly at DuskyJJ@cox.net so that I can send you the Microsoft PowerPoint presentation. Let the music and pictures help you heal.

In Memory of “What Was” and “What Is to Be” Twenty –Four years ago today I left Michigan and relocated to Arizona. Jack and I had been together nearly 7 years at that time. Jack would follow me to Arizona nearly three months later in April 1985. I would never have guessed that he would have been dead twenty years later; however, that is the reality of the eventual history of our move to the Valley of the Sun. Yesterday I quietly observed three and a half years without Jack. Even I cannot believe he has been gone that long – but he has. Much has happened since that day twenty-four years ago when we began the journey to this new life here in Arizona. Most of what occurred was widely adventurous – pretty much, what one would expect from the moments of a life lived with Jack. Time has softened the stark gray memories of his merciless passing with the realization that life can continue even after what seems at the time to be an insurmountable loss. The human spirit has an uncanny ability to overcome. It has an amazing ability to turn a black and white scene into one of multiple colors. Now I can remember - and smile. A few years ago, immediately following Jacks loss, all I could do was remember and cry. Black and White images of those painful memories can now be viewed with a Rainbow Prism. Therefore, in keeping with that image I give to you the following musical presentation of Amazing Grace. May all your memories eventually show a Rainbow of Colors. Please enjoy the following beautiful presentation of Amazing Grace – In memory of “What Was” and “What Is to Be” PLEASE NOTE: I COULD NOT ATTACH THE MICROSOFT POWERPOINT ATTACHMENT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL RENDITION AND PICTURE PRESENTATION OF "AMAZING GRACE." HOWEVER, IF YOU SEND ME AN E-MAIL TO DuskyJJ@cox.net I WILL BE GLAD TO FORWARD A COPY OF THIS MICROSOFT POWERPOINT PRESENTATION TO YOU. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL PRESENTATION. It would require that you have PowerPoint as part of your PC components.

Kath, I think that this journey of life we are all on is exactly what you describe in the phrase that reads, “So, once we have reached it – without condition, is our life here over? Do we graduate?” I have come to realize that life is a series of lessons to be learned and each lesson makes us that better person – that one that allows us to love more unconditionally. During Jacks 10 month illness I would say the best of who he was emerge before my eyes – even though I did not always recognize some of that “best” until he was gone. The recognition of some lessons that life has to teach us are painfully slow, however as long as they are learned I would image that this is what is important. If you watch someone die and are with him or her through the closing days of life it changes you forever. You learn something from the death process. You learn lessons about what is important in life – and what is not. You do not always recognize these lessons right away – some are hidden from your view and appear to you later, however you still learn them. You come to realize that the dying have something to teach us – to show us. Moreover, what they have to show us is that unconditional love you reference in your post. We are all headed down that path. We lose our way at times, but this is the path we are all on as human beings. I saw the true beauty of jack surface during the ending days of his life. I make the following observation in my book where there is one passage that reads, “So often the ill and disabled are overlooked, looked past, or through by people who don’t appreciate the beauty that still remains. By failing to partake in and witness Jack’s illness, many people lost out on an amazing opportunity to experience the extraordinary individual he was, because his true essence became the most apparent in the closing days of his life. As difficult as his illness was for me, I am grateful I did not miss one day, one instant, or one heartache of it. Witnessing and directly participating in this process was what later allowed me to heal.” Jack who was blind though the last months of his life seemed to actually “see” things better than me – who still had sight. The following is also taken from my book – and observation my Jack – who could not see. Evidence that he had found the unconditional love. I should have known from this that he was about to leave me. “Most mornings I asked Jack, ‘What can you see today?’ Often, he would say everything was the same as usual, or ‘Just different shades of grey.’ Then one morning I asked, ‘Can you see me?’ Jack smiled. ‘Yes, you can,’ I teased. ‘What am I wearing?’ Jack’s answer? ‘I don’t know, but you’re beautiful.’” Kath – I like you – appear to have more work to do on this unconditional love quality, which the dying seem to have perfected. The dying seem to see things that we only get glimpses of. Those fleeting moments when we can love unconditionally are constant and ever present in the dying. Perhaps we should all live as if we were going to die today. It seems that the best of who we are as human beings arrives as we are about to leave.

Marsha, If you are crazy – then – so am I. Three and a half years after jack died, I still talk to him – daily. Furthermore, I do not believe this is unusual. We all do it. In the book I wrote I made the following mention of the fact that we all converse – in some manner – with our lost love. I wrote, “In addition to reading, I started to write poetry. (Some poems appear in this book.) And about a month after Jack’s death, I began to write what I call “Letters to Jack.” When a loved one dies, there’s a tendency to still communicate in some fashion—we all do it. I chose to do it out loud (I talked to Jack a lot) and through my pen.” (page 90 of my book) You are not crazy – and neither am I – normal perhaps – but not crazy. Only those who have not walked in our shoes might call us crazy, however, once they visit the dark hole of losing your mate even they will become believers – and then they too will “talk” to the one they lost.

Leegrl1018, You have just found the most wonderful place to help you through your loss - This Site! Stay here - talk - and write about what you are feeling. We will all help you. You have suffered a terrible loss at a very young age. Although the road ahead it will be a difficult one - each person on this site is a testament to the fact that you can transcend your grief - let us show you the way.