Dusky

Kim, I've gone each of the last four years - would not miss it - it is a wonderful tribute to our lost loved ones. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Marty, Thanks for the reading reference from mark Ireland - sounds like a book I should put on my reading list. Thank you for your words of wisdom - you always know just what to say. Thank God for you - and the wonderful site you have created. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Marsha, Thanks for posing that question “What if the roles were reversed?” here is my thoughts on my own circumstances. Jack has been dead now nearly 3 and a half years. I pondered the question you posed, “What if the roles were reversed,” in the early days following his death. Moreover, that thought occasionally passes through my mind even now. I have always thought that Jack would have been more emotionally sound to make this transition and his family would have been near to support him emotionally. He had an uncanny ability to live “in the moment” and that quality, which is difficult to maintain, was the cornerstone of his existence. He would have missed me terribly; however, I also believe that due to his gregarious and magnetic personality he would have overcome the loneliness through his work and granddaughters. More than anything I wish, I could have (and would if I could now) reverse these roles so that Jack could enjoy his granddaughters. Jacks son, Tom, and Jacks granddaughters, moved away from Arizona after Jacks death – a move that would never have occurred had Jack lived. Jacks death literally transformed the landscape of our unconventional family and the one and only thing that would have ever allowed it to remain in tact is - if Jack had been allowed to live and “the roles and been reversed.” I felt guilty on some occasions for being the one who lived. I even told Jack’s son at one point in time that if I could have I would have taken his fathers place – and died for him – so that he could have his father. His lack of response to my question, at that time, was deafening. Tom wanted his father back and I could not “reverse those roles,” even though I would have gladly done so. Lives were altered forever – the pseudo son I thought I had, and had helped raise along with Jacks’ granddaughters vanished with moving vans shortly after Jack died. My family was torn apart. To this day, there is emptiness and a yearning for a reversal of roles that would make me vanish and for Jack to reappear again. I would have no hesitation and no regrets in making such a selection. I would give anything, and all that I have, to give Tom his father back and the grandchildren their Papa Jack. Despite my efforts I have been unable be a pseudo father or grandfather for Tom or his girls. The one redeeming feature has been that my efforts in this regard have been 100%. I have no regrets. I am at peace with myself and I know I have done the best I could with the circumstances given to me during the years following Jack’s death. Still, I would “reverse the roles” if I could. However, that has never been an option, and never will be. Instead, I wrote the book I have mention occasionally on this site, “Finding My Banana Bread Man,” and created a web site http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ where you can find the complete story of Jack and me. So – “What if the roles were reversed?” Jack would be here with his son and granddaughter in Arizona. None of them would have moved to Michigan. Jack would have continued to work in Fountain Hills as hairstylist and would be as popular as he had always been. He would have buried himself in his work and surrounded himself with his son and granddaughters for every moment that he was not doing a customer’s hair. He would miss me terribly, however, his ability to “live in the moment” would have seen him through, and his family that was torn apart by his death, would now be the glue that kept him whole. Jack would not have written a book about me if I had died – writing was not his strength – so “Finding My Banana Bread Man” would not exist - or one of a similar title about me. Jack would not have been driven, as I have been, to ensure that granddaughters had a tangible “book” to someday serve as a reminder of their Papa Jack, because he would be with his granddaughters every day. Jack would have had an easier time in dealing with my death because his family would have remained with him for all the years that followed my death. The road would have been different for Jack than it has been for me – and that is why I would “reverse the roles” if I could. However, none of us can reverse anything. It has been an interesting exercise to contemplate the “what if.” Thank you once again Marsha for posing the question “What if the roles were reversed?” John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Mary Linda, Your message reminds me that there are so many new folks on line here that are always looking for help and guidance through the loss we are experiencing. It has been a long time since I have posted - and many of you know me. There are however, so many new faces. Let me take this opportunity to tell those who may not know about the book I wrote called "Finding My Banana Bread Man." It is a great story that may help each of you through this difficult time. You can find out more about the book on my web site located at http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ - and although this site was created to promote my book it offers so much more than that. You will find it a great place to find inspirational messages and songs. When your on the site just click on many of the pictures and you will find a place of great comfort for this difficult passage. My best to each of you who are on this site. you all remain some of my best friends and connections. Love and peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Derek, I have not posted in some time, however, I have been reading many of the posts and had to reply to the wonderful news I just read. As you and Wendy begin this wonderful new phase of your lives together I wish you great peace, love and happiness. I cannot imagine that anyone will have anything other than a positive response to this news. You both deserve all the support of each person who has visited this site and found so much comfort. Now is the time to thank you both for all you have both done as members and wish you our best. It makes no difference where you find the new person to move forward with - what is important is that you move forward and I am so pleased that you have found each other to continue your lives. What sweet - sweet news. My best always, John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

KayC, Your latest post struck a nerve with me. However, it was a nerve struck long ago with institutional religions inability to accept me as a gay person. My loss of faith in institutional religions ability to assist me in times of need did not grow out of the grieving process I faced when Jacks died. Institutional religion does not always meet the needs of its members. Why should I surround myself with an institution that says I am less of a person and which discriminates against me because I am gay. Long ago, I turned away from the institution (The Hierarchy of religions) that long ago turned away from me. Therefore, I found my own way without the need of the four walls of a building to find a spiritual connection. As a result, there have been times, when I was told I was not a man of faith - a charge, with which I most certainly disagree. A building does not make a church. Moreover, if the individuals who inhabit the four walls of any given church do not practice the basic principles of treating each person as they themselves would wish to be treated then they are truly walls built on quicksand. A religion is only as good as the kindness, consideration and understanding of the members who inhabit that church. KayC, I believe what you have experienced is the same type of thing that I experienced years ago for a different reason. The members of your congregation were unable to understand and accept you as you were - or as you are now. Moreover, the you as you were - or as you are now - is a person in pain following the death of her husband. Couple this with our society’s general inability to understand the grieving process and you have a certain recipe for rejection. I am a deeply spiritual person and am deeply draw to what I read about Buddhism. It has so many words of peace and acceptance. Even the mention of a different belief (Buddhism) will lead some individuals to reject me as a person because it is not what they believe – it is not Christian. However, I have experienced rejection and I do not care. I know I am a good person with a spiritual belief and I interact with compassion toward others in my life. I live what I believe and have learned to find what I need in life not inside the walls of any church but rather inside the walls of my own heart – where my God resides. When your church friend said to you “people don’t want to be around someone who is complaining about their problems or a downer” is indeed shocking. That is what religion is supposed to do – to help you in time of need. When religion talks the talk and does not walk the walk, they fail their congregation. Long ago, I found a different way because my religion failed to walk the walk with me. I have found more religion in the cyberspace walls of this web site than I have ever found in any church. Each of you on this site has proven to be true friends. I could not have walked this road without you, and without my own deeply help sense of spirituality and the God within me. I have, however, been able to walk this road without the walls of a religion, because they have never proven to me that they have been able to walk the walk with me. This is my take on what you wrote – and honest and true reality of who I am. Thank you all for walking the walk with me. Love and peace, John – Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Kathy G, What a beautiful story - they still watch over us and guide us - I am sure. Your Bee story also reminds me of my hummingbird story. Love never dies - they continue to perch on our shoulders - they continue to take other forms to speak to us. Love and peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello everyone, I found a link to a song by Rosanne Cash which is very moving. She is the daughter of Johnny Cash. She lost her Father, Mother and Step Mother in a two year period and this song is about grief. I hope the link works for you. Once your on the site. Click on the little blue tab to the left of the song entitled "The World Unseen." Here is the link: (Below the link are the lyrics of the song) http://mp3.rhapsody.com/rosannecash/blackc.../theworldunseen The World Unseen By Rosanne Cash I'm the sparrow on the roof I'm the list of everyone I have to lose I'm the rainbow in the dart I am who I was and how much I can hurt So I will look for you in stories of hurricanes Westward leading, still proceeding To the world unseen I'm the mirror in the hall From your empty room I can hear it fall Now that we must live apart I have a lock of hair and one-half of my heart So I will look for you Between the grooves of songs we sing Westward leading, still proceeding To the world unseen There are no gifts that will be found Wrapped in winter, laid beneath the ground You must be somewhere in the stars 'Cause from a distance comes the sound of your guitar And I will look for you in Memphis and the miles between I will look for you in morphine and in dreams I will look for you in the rhythm of my bloodstream Westward leading, still proceeding To the world unseen _____________ Peace and Love to all, John - Dusky is my handle on here, Love you Jack

Hello everyone, I was inspired by KathyG to write a poem after reading here beautiful words a few days ago. The book I wrote, "Finding My Banana Bread Man" ( http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ ) contained many of my poems, however, I had not had the inspiration to pen another since completing my manuscript. Thank you KathyG for inspiring a few words. Heres my latest words which I hope you find some comfort and meaning: All The Years Yet To Be It was not through your illness dear Or the first night without you here It was not when I called your name Nor was it when no answer came I thought of all the hardest stuff Living life without you … is ruff I’ve learned to cook … your special flare And all the tasks you did with care The saddest part … I must confess Are all the years you will miss The hardest part of this for me Are All The Years Yet To Be I don’t find tears in all we shared Can’t find them in how much we cared All the years with you not here Are now reflected in my tears We finally had time to be free Now you’re just a memory Your crazy - loving - wild side Found only in sweet slumbers ride None of this makes me sad All the good times that we had I love memories of you and me It’s … All The Years … Yet To Be The saddest part … I must confess Are all the years you will miss The hardest part of this for me Are All The Years Yet To Be The saddest part … I must confess Are all the years you will miss All the years with you not here Are now reflected in my tears The hardest part will always be Something that no one can see All The Years … Yet To Be … for me © John R. Davis - August 27, 2008 Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Jackie, Glad to see you back. I have a tendency to float in and out of here my self. Just knowing this site is here is a comforting feeling - a connection to others who really understand. Peace and Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

KathyG, what a beautiful poem - I have found that putting your feelings on paper is a great healing tool. Your poem is wonderful. Keep writing. Peace and Love, John - Dusky is my handle on here, Love you Jack

Annc and Marty, AnnC, Thank you for your beautiful story - it reflects many of the same things I experienced myself. Marty, Sharing on this site has been a life line for me. Thank you for making it available for all of us. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Mary Linda, Thank you for the beautiful story about the two men in the hospital. I remember reading this story some time ago and its wonderful to be reminded of its significance in relation to my Jack. I have no doubt that due to his wonderfully positive and in moment approach to life that he did see beautiful things in his minds eye. Oh sweet of you to remind me of this story. - Thank you. As for your dilemma - visit your friend with pancreatic cancer or not? You have told me what you believe his reaction might be if he sees you. However, have you considered what his reaction might be if you do not go to visit him? I would suggest that visiting this man will have long lasting positive effects for you and shorter (yet sweet) effects for this man. Not visiting him will not change the outcome. I say go. John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

JeanneC, In your message above, you touched on what has been for me the most difficult part of this grief process - and that is - the memories and images of my Jack being ill and blind. They have been the most haunting aspect of moving through grief. However, for me, it was the fact that he had to endure total blindness in addition to the illness which was the most difficult to watch - and now the most difficult to remember. Even three years later the images can haunt me. However as time passes more and more of the images of a healthy Jack reach the surface. I've come to look at this process as a pot of homemade soup. When you first begin making your soup it is nothing more than individual ingredients each with their own distinct taste. Perhaps there are some ingredients that when tasted in its raw form are actually unpleasant. However you know that once cooked even these unpleasant ingredients will make the whole pot better. So it is with our grief - and those particularly nasty images of illness and in my case blindness. Once it is sufficiently blended with the rest of our loved ones life it gradually takes on a different flavor. Out of Jack's blindness I saw the true essence and spirit of a magnificent man. I stated in my book "Finding My Banana Bread Man" ( http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ )the following "By failing to partake in and witness Jack's illness, many people lost out on an amazing opportunity to experience the extraordinary individual he was, because his true essence became most apparent in the closing days of his life." Jacks illness and blindness has in effect been that ingredient that when taken by itself does not taste good - but when blended in the soup of his life showed me the best of what he was. As I indicated in the book, "As difficult as his illness was for me, I am grateful I did not miss one day, one instant, or one heartache of it. Witnessing and directly participating in this process was what later allowed me to heal." My home made soup is still cooking - and that ingredient that by itself is so unpleasant - will greatly effect the end result of my soup. My life is still cooking - and the illness, blindness and death of Jack which was so unpleasant to watch - will greatly effect the end result of my life. JeanneC - Just as you still agonize about reliving Alex's time in the hospital - I do as well for Jack in relation to his illness and blindness. However, when looked at it as a "pot of homemade soup" somehow I am able to better deal with it all. My best to you an all who visit and participate on this site. What a wonderful place this has become. John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Mike C, Just a few days ago I answered a post by Jan Thurman entitled "Why does it feel like its getting worse and not better." I copied and pasted Chapter Nine from the book I recently wrote "Finding My Banana Bread Man " http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ - and I think this same Chapter relates to the post you have written here. You may want to check out my response in that post - and Chapter from my book. It speaks about the same sense of abandonment that we can face from individuals who were seemingly close during our loved ones illness but who vanish as we start the grieving process after our loved one is gone. I know the pain of what you describe - and hope this helps. Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here. Love you Jack

Kim, Thinking of you as this day approaches. We are all here if you need us - all ways will be here for you. Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

WaltC, You're quite welcome. I'm glad it came at just the right time for you. You're the first person I met on here three years ago. Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello everyone, I received two beautiful e-mails recently with some inspirational words surrounded with wonderful music. I have added these to my own web site http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ . Here are the links to both of these meaningful messages: An Irish Blessing - http://www.e-water.net/viewflash.php?flash=irishblessing_en and Finding Joy - Sweet Truths - http://www.findingjoymovie.com/ Enjoy, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Jan, I have marked the three year mark of Jack death and your post reminded me so much of the unsolicited advise that others tried to give me during the first year following Jacks death. I hesitated responding with what I am about to provide you , however I figured it was the best way to show you (in writing) what I faced during the first year following my loved ones death. I am going to cut and past one entire chapter of my book ( Finding My Banana Bread Man - http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ ). This particular Chapter addresses many of the comments you put in your post - and these words tell you about my experience and how I dealt with it. For those not interested in reading 5 pages here - please forgive me - but I thought they may help you - Jan. Here it is: Chapter Nine Searching: Recovery Spans A Lifetime For at least six months following Jack’s death, the pendulum of grief swung feverishly, without break. Seeing how tormented I continued to be, a few well-meaning friends offered gentle, but misguided, guidance. “Just let it go,” they advised. “When you do, you’ll feel better.” They were being kind, but I believe they were thinking, Enough already, John. Get over it; it’s been months. All dwelling on Jack is doing is making you sad. Forget about him, and move on. They were ridiculing my grief! My life had been forever changed by Jack’s death. He was gone, and the person I once was went with him. I missed who I was with him; all that was left was this stranger in the mirror. The person I used to be was dead, and they expected me to move on. Where was I supposed to move on to? Dear Jack, Sometimes I do not know what to do with all the elements of this new life without you. Things are so foreign without you; people’s reactions to me are so foreign. I am still the same person. I am still alive. I did not die, but sometimes I feel as if others think that I did. I am sometimes treated like the living dead, someone to be remembered but not contacted, someone to be thought of but not spoken of, someone to forget about, so that the pain will leave. John Boy My friends’ advice wasn’t unique; they were just repeating what society keeps telling them about the proper way to handle mourning. It encourages people to “let go” of their loved ones because this is the only way grieving hearts find closure and peace. Society is wrong! You have to keep going, and allow yourself to be reborn as the new you: the you who has journeyed through mourning. I became annoyed—disgusted even—by some people’s resistance to my grief. Sometimes I received rigid and pious religious prescriptions for the correct way to handle grief. When I refused to do it the prescribed way, which is to “bury my past” and preclude Jack as a part of my future, I was accused of not being a man of faith. Again and again, I defended my belief that my future was not based on a buried past, but on a remembered past, our past. I defended my choice to rely on my deeply rooted spirituality, rather than on a specific religion, or the words in the Christian Bible. Our disagreements put distance between us. Unable to accept my grief, they backed away. But why? Why retreat from me? Because the weight of my sorrow became too much to bear? Because I reminded them of their own sorrow? Because they were afraid, and their fear isolated me from them? I Became Their Greatest Fear Some say that I can’t let go Gentle hearts that think they know Others say a buried past Is where you should now rest at last Others tell me that they know How my past should be “let go” How to grieve and how to cry How to feel and when and why Those who do not understand Have not been to this dark land When they could not see you here I became their greatest fear Friends who were the closest to us Fussed and cared and brought food to us Once you were no longer here I am now what they all fear Calls and contact used to flourish Constant tales to encourage Now the message is quite clear I am now what they all fear Those who do not understand Have not been to this dark land When they could not see you here I became their greatest fear For those who think they know it all And those who cannot make a call Letting go that’s what I must do But it’s not you who must go They will become my buried past It’s where they should now rest at last Letting go that’s what I must do But it’s not you who must go Those who do not understand Have not been to this dark land When they could not see you here I became their greatest fear There’s a saying that goes like this: “Grief rewrites your address book for you,” and my experience confirmed this. After I’d wasted too much energy responding to my critics’ advice to let go, and trying to get them to see pain my way, to understand that I expected my recovery to go on forever, I finally let go … of them. And I literally rewrote my address books. I removed names from my Christmas card and e-mail lists, and only kept contact information for family members and friends who understood the grieving process, or at least acknowledged pain without judging me I also made a decision to close my ears to the chorus of misdirected advice, because I often became so frustrated with these people that I wanted to scream, “Leave me alone! Your grief is measured in much less time than mine!” Your Grief Is Measured In Much Less Time For many months, I stayed connected I shared, reached out, and felt respected But as the months and years have faded I know your heart is feeling weighted He was my bright shinning star His loss, a stunning, jolting, jar It’s not that I have changed my stance I speak of love and lost romance I write of tears and grief that’s molten Of broken hearts and futures stolen I talked of pain that’s here and real I made you think and made you feel I seldom left without a passage To lift your heart and send a message He was my bright shinning star His loss, a stunning, jolting, jar I have tried with so much passion To talk and teach and show compassion All this despite my own faith shaken My spirit crushed, feeling forsaken I tried to put you front and center To help you grieve and to remember But as the months and years have faded I know your heart is feeling weighted He was my bright shinning star His loss, a stunning, jolting, jar My recovery spans a lifetime Yours is measured in much less time He was my bright shinning star His loss, a stunning, jolting, jar Some of you don’t want to hear Of all the pain and all the fear Run from all that’s here and real Run and do not think or feel Some of you I’m gently leaving Letting go and sadly grieving I seldom leave without a passage To lift your heart, so here’s my message He was my bright shinning star His loss, a stunning jolting jar My recovery spans a lifetime Yours is measured in much less time Some of my friends and family members couldn’t walk the road of mourning with me, but many could, and they became the core of my support. These kind souls drew closer to me as they moved toward my grief. They sustained me with phone calls to ask how I was feeling—and they really meant, “How are you feeling?” They listened to my every word, and offered a proverbial shoulder to cry on. They extended invitations and opportunities for me to get out, and they complimented me on my strength of character, my ability to move forward, and on my devotion to Jack’s memory. They often remarked on my great capacity for fostering his legacy. I was humbled by their loving actions toward me, as well as overjoyed—and grateful beyond words—for all of their kindness. Because of them, I was up to every challenge put before me Searching - Examining closely or thoroughly. Keenly observant. A little voice inside of me became a constant companion, reminding me I was on a journey that would take me the rest of my life. It would be a slow journey, taken one baby step after another, but it was clear that forgetting Jack was not going to lessen my grief or shorten how long I’d grieve; it fact, the only way I would ever achieve any peace at all was through finding My Banana Bread Man, by remembering him. Death, in its bizarre way, was forcing me to look at my blessings. I tried to remember as many details about Jack as I could. This comforted me, and I found it sustained my connection to him, as well as maintained my emotional bond with him. My life was enriched each time I recalled: • His walk, the way his arms swung when he moved, how his feet hit the ground. • The way he talked. I catch myself using some of the same vocal inflections Jack did. It’s only natural that I do that, after so many years together. I’m pleased when friends say, “You said that just like Jack would have. It was like he was here.” • His special way of telling me he loved me. “Do you know how much I love you? Lots lots.” Whenever I sign off on an e-mail, or letter, with the words “Love you, lots lots,” I’m reminded of him. • Jack’s signal that he was ready to wind up a phone conversation. He’d say, “Soooo …” I say the same thing, and I love it, because it allows him to live through me, and by remembering this, I heal. • How he followed up a request with the words “just once.” He’d say, “Could you bring me a cup of coffee, just once?” It’s quirky, but I’m fond of it. I don’t want to ever let this go. I don’t want to let anything about Jack slip away from me, or from anyone who loved him. And if remembering makes me cry, so be it, because every tear I shed brings me one tear closer to feeling peace. “When the rain washes you clean you'll know. You will know.” Stevie Nicks, “Dreams” ______________________________ I hope this helps. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

I wish I had thought about organ donation when Jack died. I was so distraught when he was in the process of dying that I never pursued it and quite honestly I cannot even recall for sure if I remembered at the time that he had made himself available as a donor. I know now that his license said he would have been willing to have been a donor. Although he was blind as the result of a stroke - there was absolutely nothing wrong with his eyes - they were in perfect condition. How I wish that I would have been mentally alert enough to have remembered to save his eyes. I would give anything to have his eyes help someone else to see, and for those eyes to see me again. John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Hello everyone, Have to pass this suggested reading on to each of you. The book is The Goldfish Went On Vacation: A Memoir of Loss (And Learning to Tell the Truth about It) by Patty Dann. It is a great story about a woman who lost her husband to a brain tumor - how she survived and how her young son dealt with this tragedy. I could not help but think of my own situation as it related to losing someone to a brain tumor, however i was also struck by the wonderful story as to how this womans son was able to face the loss of his father. Dereck (Dpodesta) if your reading this post this is a great book for you to read as I think it will have great meaning for you and Carson. Love and Peace to each of you, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack

Wendy, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother today. Love and Peace to you both. John - Dusky on here

Joe A, If you go to the comments section via the same link that you had provided here originally you will find my response - they did not delete it or edit it for that matter. I also sent a separate e-mail to the author of the article (Ron Stein if I remember correctly) but I have not received any response from him. And just a short comment - this is the most wonderful and interactive grief support group that I know of. Thank you Marty - and thank each of you for your well thought out responses. Each of you has certainly made a difference in transversing this process for me. Many thanks, John - Dusky is my handle on here love you Jack

Joe, I went to the Washington post and read this article. I posted the following response on the comment section of the web site. Hopefully it will appear as written without being edited. here is how my response to the article reads: This article appears to repeat so many of the old fallacies about the grieving process when I see written phrases like “unable to move on,” and when it is states in a negative phrase that someone may be grieving “for months and even years” following a loved ones death. If you have lost someone who you truly love, and especially if you share the same intimate nest with that person, you will continue to grieve for the remainder of your life – not just months and years. What our society is unwilling to recognize is that this is normal. American society does not understand grief. It does not understand how to deal with grief and how to incorporate it into the rest of your life following a loved ones death – or how to watch someone go through the process. A grieving person needs to know that it is “ok” for the grieving process to be a lifetime journey. We are pushed to “move on” by those who have been far less affected by our loss than we have been affected - because those less affected do not want to see us in pain. Pain and tears are part of the process of grief. Grief is experienced in different emotional levels for each person who has suffered a loss. There is no such thing as something “resembling regular grief” (a phrase used in the article) - it is unique to each individual – there is no right or wrong way to deal with it – and you do not recover by “moving on” or “letting go.” You will find much more peace and recovery by “remembering and recalling” your loved one, incorporating the best qualities of his or her life into your own, and living your life in the present moment. I speak from experience and not from the coach of a psychiatrist. I am someone who lost his mate of 27 years to a brain tumor three years ago. I recovered by reading, writing, talking about my loss on a grief web site and writing a book. I did not recover by taking medication and believing that my brain was imbalanced or that I had some type of syndrome. Grief is not something you can escape from or medicate away – you have to pass through the pain to transcend grief. I know what I am speaking about – and I wrote a book about my loss and how to transcend loss. My book “Finding My Banana Bread Man,” and the web site associated with it www.findingmybananabreadman.com ,is a better primer on loss and recovery than anything I am reading in this article. Respectfully yours John R. Davis

Jeanne, You must be fairly new to this site. I have shared a rather extensive book list in the past so I will list it again below. However, before I do that please check out my own personal web site at http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ which was established to promote the book I wrote following the death of my jack three years ago. It is entitled Finding My Banana Bread Man." Here is the list of books I promised you. I also think that Marty (The web site moderator) may a link to this same list somewhere on this site - I just do not know how to direct you to it. Grief Bibliography 1. Surviving the death of your Spouse Deborah S. Livinson 2. Caregiving Beth McLeod 3. Grief’s Outrages Journey Sandi Caplan Gordon Lang 4. Life and Loss Bob Deits 5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul Jack Canfiled Mark Victor Hanson 6. Wherever your go – There you are Jack Kabat-Zinn 7. Unattended Sorrow Stephen Levine 8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again Dr. Catherine M. Sanders 9. The Mourning Handbook Helen Fitzgerald 10. Healing your grieving heart Alan D Wolfelt Ph. D. 11. Life Lessons Elizabeth Kubler-Ross David Kesler 12. How to go on living when someone dies Theresea Rando Ph. D. 13. A year to live Stephen Levine 14. Letting go with love Nancy O’Connor Ph. D. 15. The Dying Time Joan Furman David McNabb M.S.N., RN 16. Companion through the darkness Stephanie Ericsson 17. Don’t let death ruin your life Jill Brooke 18. A time to grieve Carol Staudacher 19. Too soon old too late smart Gordon Livingston,M.D. 20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace Jack Kornfield 21. Grieving mindfully Samett M. Kumar 22. When your Spouse dies Catherine L. Curry 23. Five good Minutes Jeffery Bantley, M.D.Wendy Millstine 24. Healing After Loss Martha Whitmore Hickman 25. The Power of NOW Eckhart Tolle 26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner Michael Shernoff 27. A Journey through Grief Alla Renee Bozarth.Ph. D. 28. When Bad things happen to Good people Harold S. Kushner 29. The Grief Recovery Handbook John W. James & Frank Cherry 30. Ambiguous Loss Pauline Boss 31. The Precious Present Spencer Johnson 32. Life after Loss Raymond Moody & Dianne Arcangel 33. Writings to heal the Heart Susan Zimmerman 34. The Grief Recovery Handbook John James & Frank Cherry 35. When Bad things Happen to Good People Harold Kushner 36. Stillness Speaks Eckhart Tolle 37. In Lieu of Flowers Nancy Cobb 38. The Other Side and Back Sylvia Browne 39. Blessings from the Other Side Sylvia Browne 40. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow Karen Casey 41. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying Sogyal Rinpoche 42. The Loss of a Life Partner Carolyn A. Walker 43. Life on the Other Side Sylvia Brown 44. Transcending Loss Ashley Prend 45. The Heart of Grief Thomas Attig 46. Letters to Kate Carl H. Klaus 47. When Men Grieve Elizabeth Levang, Ph. D. 48. The Five Things We Cannot Change David Richo 49. Awakening from Grief John E. Welshons 50. Love Lives On Louis LaGrand, PH.D 51. What Buddha Would Do? Franz Metcalf 52. The Book of Awakening Mark Nepo 53. About Alice Calvin Trillin 54. Forgiveness – A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart Robin Casarjian 55. Getting to the other Side of Grief Susan J Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Ed.D Robert C. De Vries, Min., Ph.D 56. Grief Steps Brook Noel 57. Life after Death - The Burden of Proof Deepak Chopra 58. The Essence of ZEN – An Anthology of Quotations The Five Mile Press 59. Pocket Positives of Living – An Anthology Summit Press Quotations Hope this list is useful to you. Love and Peace, John - Dusky is my handle on here Love you Jack