marsha

Gwen, you are absolutely justified in feeling this way. Don't back down from the anger. It's painful as hell, and guilt inducing (and all the crap that goes along with THAT), but I it's necessary. Get it out. This is what you're feeling, for G-d's sake!

Gwen. Gwen! The truth of the matter is - no matter what our spouses said to us when they were alive, as to what they wanted for us....they didn't know what it would be like being the one left behind. We're going through what they didn't. You know? Just my thoughts.. And I agree with Marty. You are where you are right now, and it's ok. Be gentle on yourself, seriously. Marsha

Butch - there's no way you'll be leaving your sweet wife behind. I'm at 7 1/2 years (as of this coming New Year's day), and I've found, finally, that it's true, what all my friends here said so many years ago. Joe comes with me. I live my life, but he's with me, always. The bitterness and anger were there for the first years, definitely. It wasn't pretty, but I'm thinking it was necessary, at least for me. I will tell you what was told to me - don't be so hard on yourself. Emotions are neither negative nor positive, they are your emotions, period, as uncomfortable and painful as they can be. And hell, they can be, I can attest to that. Just my 2 cents - Marsha

Amen, sister. This was beautifully said, oh-so-true, and I recognize myself in this post. Thank you, Debi. Marsha

Andre - my sympathies on the loss of your Margaret. I know how devastating it is. I, too, read Healing After Loss, in fact, my library renewed it for me for 9 months straight (yeah, 9 months, I love those ladies). Is there hope? Yes. But it comes, slowly, in its own time. I've found that I can have both grief and joy, at the same time. And thus it's been for a a long while. At some point I realized that this loss has changed me, and changed me for good. I'm ok with that, but it took a while to accept that I wouldn't be the same person I was before. How could I be? It wasn't just acceptance that Joe was dead (and that took a while), but acceptance that I was still alive (and that took a good long while), and further, acceptance of myself, who I am now. And not meaning this to be a downer - I've kind of amazed myself with what's come out of the ashes. Just be gentle with yourself, and how you feel. Hugs, Marsha

Maryann - I've just got to say - watching tv instead of "dealing". Sometimes watching tv IS dealing. Take it from someone who has every episode of every Star Trek ever made. It's therapy. It takes me out of my mind (in a good way) and helps me deal. We can't work on grief 24/7. It's not emotionally possible. It's also ok (and not just ok, necessary) to fall back and gather your emotional strength. Grief is a strange thing - it ebbs and flows, and there's no accounting for when it will hit, again. Take it easy on yourself! Hugs, marsha

Hugs to you, sweet Kay. And yeah, a sign is a sign (you have one smart dog there!).

Thank you. I agree - this is a very good article. I read these affirmations and say to myself, YES! It's hard, though, to wade through society's and friends' views and "suggestions" to see the light and being true to my own self. Yeah, I do it - then I waffle and in my mind I think, but you should.....Screw that. And actually it's kind of empowering to just say to others - "with all due respect, you have no idea of what I'm going through or where I'm at". Saying it kindly, of course, lol. I think I'm rambling!

SJ - two years is nothing. It's no time at all, not really, when we've lost so much. And added to that the responsibility of raising 3 young ones? And the anniversary of your husband's death coming up? It sounds like you're doing the absolutely best you can. You're not horrible - you're surviving the best way you know how. Please don't buy into the "you should be over it/moving on" thing. It's utter and total crap. It takes as long as it takes. I'm thinking of you today - please be easy on yourself. Hugs, Marsha

You both are bringing me to tears. Ah, G-d - to have to make those decisions...and then to live with it and worse, second guess myself. I've made peace with it, mostly, but then sometimes...

Melina - yes, there are times I want to wave the white towel, too. But listen: you are you, complete and individual and unique. And although it would be so much easier to have shared these trials with your husband - please don't discount what you offer and what you give to your children. I'm sure they don't discount that, either. Marsha

Tableforone - I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything you've described - all of it - we've all gone through or are going through. I also had never been on a forum before I joined in 2008, and the kind folks here helped me so much. I needed this so, because although I got support, I also got a lot of unwanted advice from everyone (IRL). Ok, I don't mean unwanted, it was just that my nerve endings were on the outside of my body and I didn't know who or what to listen to. And so a lot of it hurt. And that's what brought me here. I wish you peace. Keep talking, please - Marsha

Positive thoughts and prayers for you, Deb. I hope the docs can find what's causing this. Agreeing with Fae, I know it. Hugs, Marsha

Chris - I'm taking what I read from your post - that your fear is if you "move" you'll lose Paula. I can tell you, at almost 6 years, that it won't happen. My life is different now, yes, with all the angst/joy that living life entails. Joe's with me, always. It get different, that's all. Don't be afraid. The way I see it - and I have more loved ones in heaven than here on earth - is that we just have a little more time here.

Heidi - oh, yeah. I hear you, except for me it was "what is the effing point??". If I said this once, I said it a hundred times. I don't know what the effing point is. It's apparently not up to me. I still don't know what it is, I just wing it. And, yeah, I've eyed that bottle of Xanaax and thought, what if - more than a few times. I know the pain you're going through. I've been there. This horrendous grief...it will abate. Time, the thing that everyone hates to hear, is true. It changes. You will change. My Joe is with me, totally. He never went away, nor will he go away. Death is part of life, it's part of being human. You just have a little more time than your sweetie. Hang in, one more day - and talk - hugs, Marsha

Happy Birthday, sweet Teny -

KCinko - I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. The heart takes as long as it takes to process, to accept. I read all the grief books - but I still had to go through it in my own way. The one day at a time thing is the only way I could deal. No, I take that back, sometimes it was the one minute at a time thing. It's just so very personal for each of us. And, yes, so painful. Take care - Marsha

Thank you, Peter. This was...I don't have the words. It spoke to me.

Melina - I've been thinking about your post. My thoughts? That it takes a long time, longer than we think it will take, to find our footing. For me, work (our business) took precedence, as it was my financial survival....and emotionally, too, as it was the routine I needed, and still do. My life has become more internal. I've become quieter. My tolerance for trivial BS is at an all time low, so the people I share with better get with the plot, lol. Thankfully, some have. And I think - this is where I am now, and it's been hard won. It may change. It probably will change - but I've also learned I can't force it into something that I'm not comfortable with. Am I confusing you yet? I think questioning is good. It makes us look long and hard at who we are, truly, now. I figure I'm a work in progress - Hugs, Marsha

Harry - it's what you do, yes, and it's what you are, yes again. But there comes a point when you have to back down, for a bit, or longer. I think I reached that point late in year three, when I was depleted emotionally. I just had no reserves in the gas tank. It changed, but it took time. I just needed to back off everything, and concentrate on being ok, emotionally and physically. I think maybe you're at this point. It doesn't mean you won't pick up the flag again, it's just - sometimes it's time to coast. Sometimes it's necessary. Hugs, Marsha

The most frustrating part of planning a funeral service is that your dead spouse isn't here to help you. Especially when it's his....

Happy birthday, sweet lady (and fellow Aquarian!)

Hugs and love to you, Teny - it's good to hear from you - Marsha

Oh, Kay, I'm so sorry to hear this.

Mary - yes. Good thoughts, for sure. Please forgive me, though, that I feel like I'm being hit with a soft pillow over the head. I've done pretty much all of what you've talked about. I get it. I'm not a victim, nor do I think of myself as such. I do find that, after and during these past 5 1/2 years, as new situations come up, I have to dig deep within yet again and translate it into how I feel, now. It's a learning experience over and over again. If I could set myself, my mind up to forging forward, in a positive manner, all the time, I'd do it. It's not that easy for me. Maybe this is just life after widowhood - a lot of it probably is, I know that.