marsha

Didn't want to hijack Linda's thread - so I thought I'd throw this out there. My thoughts? In some way, shape, or form, it isn't. Not really. I'm not where I was, but I'm definitely in a different place. I've found myself again, pretty much, I just don't know what to do with her, lol. And the whole thing about integrating it into your life? Well, yeah. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. So, thoughts?

Widower- I'd like to answer as well. Because I know what you're saying. I've had family members, friends die in the 5 years since Joe died. I am saddened, I cry for them, I think of them - but, and this is a big but, there seems to be a level of grieving that's just at a certain level and that's it. It's not that I'm unfeeling, it's just - different. And disconcerting as well. To put it further, sometimes it's like, in my head, we all die and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Ugh. I hope you get, somewhat, what I'm trying to say...

...and I look at a picture of Jackie's face when she stood next to LBJ taking the oath, and I think, now...I know that look.

"I am so very tired from keeping up the illusion"...so why are you doing it? I did this until I thought my head would explode, and then started saying exactly how I felt - guess what? My friends and family could take it - or they couldn't. It wasn't my problem. It wasn't my problem to make someone else feel better at the expense of my own physical and mental health, and that's exactly what it entailed.

Jan - from my vast vantage point of 5 plus years out (yes, I'm being sarcastic) - please, don't label your feelings. Your feelings are uniquely yours, as mine are uniquely mine. Honestly, 16 months is not so long, especially when you think of the 50 years that preceded it. For the first years, if I thought anywhere past a week in terms of "the future", I'd break out in a cold sweat. I'm not kidding. I had a routine going, and Lord forbid if anything changed it. I had to have some control over something, you know? No one wants to feel this. It's scary. We cope the way our guts tell us to cope. Yes, question yourself, but don't beat yourself up over it. Take care, Marsha

Lostlove, I am sorry for your loss. It struck me, when you said 4 1/2 months is a reasonable time. For who? By who? I did the same as you, worked, came home, slept (or tried to), repeat. But I think, looking back, that it was what I needed - to establish a boundary, a safe routine. This is only in hindsight, mind you. At the time I thought OMG! Life is too short! I have to make my bucket list! The deal is, that first year especially was one of emotional and physical survival. I don't think I realized how traumatized I truly was. I think I asked in one way or another, "is this normal?" like 2 dozen times on this forum. Take good care of yourself - and write it out. Marsha

I know what you're saying, Harry. And as an aside I have to admit I just love The Walking Dead, on AMC. Love it. In the first year, there was a kind of running (sick) joke with my couple of close friends that I could talk for 15 minutes, and that was it. After 60 hours a week in front of the public in my deli, I had nothing left to give. I just wanted to be left alone. I was kind of at a crossroads - I was lonely, but couldn't make small talk. I'm an introvert by nature, but still... It took a long time for that movie reel to stop going in the back of my head. A close friend here said when she looks back, all she sees is pain. I get that. And what Marty posted about recovery from the recovery, oh, man, I get that, too. What's my point? I can't force it. I can't force myself to get out when I don't want to. But I can when I do want to. The loneliness and pain I've felt thus far are part of my life, as are the human connections I've had, some with laughter, and some with tears, some with close ones, and some with strangers - some are 15 minute conversations, and some with lifelong friends. Human connection is human connection, and a lot of it is with myself. I needed that, and still do. So when are we going to dinner??

Raising my hand here! #1 and #8, with #5 thrown in for good measure. I'll be at 5 years in a month, Melina. At 3 years, I was wiped out, like, stick a fork in me wiped out. I don't feel that way anywhere near as often, although #'s 1,8 and 5 are still sticking around. I find nothing good in labeling yourself with a diagnosis (that I don't agree with, btw). Grief is fluid for me. It ebbs and flows. After accepting that my husband was actually dead, I then had to accept the fact that I was actually still alive. It's ongoing and moves ever so slowly. It's taking years, literally.

Huh? What?? I had to read this twice. Really? "Oh, yeah, Mr. (whatever his name is), I'll be more than happy to jump right in there..." People amaze me. I'll be nice now and just say he's not in his right mind. Actually, Kay, at 5 years I find it kinda funny, in a sad way. At one or two years I would have wanted to rip his throat out. And therein is the synopsis of the grief journey, lol.

Melina - I totally get this. I think when we all say (and I may be wrong, but...) we're doing ok, it's two sided. We actually are doing ok, in some respects. Ok, I'll go back to the saying I instead of we. I don't want to talk for anyone else. Yeah, I'm doing ok. I do all the things "normal" people are supposed to do, ie, work, exercise, interacting with other humans, and sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I enjoy it. This is the deal, though - and this is something I feel deep inside my heart - I can't go back to the place I was before. I can't go back to the bubble of thinking everything's going to be just fine, because I know that everything can be fine, then it won't be fine, and it can change on a dime. I know I can't live my life thinking like this, and most of the time, I don't - but it's always there. And this is what I'M struggling with. Marsha

No, you aren't wrong. Kay, it sounds like you were on "the list" of people to call/message. Acknowledge it, give a quiet prayer, and let it go.

"I try to be present to life"...oh, yes, Teny, I get it. It's good to hear from you. Hugs - Marsha

I totally get what you're saying, Kay. So here goes. I've run our business for 4 years. Lots of blood, sweat and tears in that one. Thrust into becoming treasurer of our homeowners' development 3 months after Joe died (long story), but did it. Went through 2 hurricanes. Killed 500 spiders. Broken equipment, A/C, employees' drama, wanted to shoot myself, sometimes - but here I am, still standing, and I know if it were me instead of Joe, he'd be doing the same. Whew. It's been hard. Because I'm doing all of this outside of the bubble now - do you know what I mean? Hugs, Marsha

Jan - I'll be glad to share. My original plan was to scatter all of Joe's ashes in the ocean at his memorial. I just couldn't...so only a portion was scattered. Another portion went home with the stepkids, and they scattered them in the Pacific. The bulk remain in the biodegradable urn on top of my TV. I also realize they are only the remnants of his physical body, but still - I find comfort having them here, or I should say, having him here. There's simply no right or wrong decision - it's just your decision. I know it's tough - actually, it's sometimes still surreal. Hugs, marsha

Hugs and much love to you today, Kay. And thank you, John, for that quote - very true.

I do this, Kay, I think. And Melina, yes, I get this. I used to be an extrovert - as I've gotten older, I just can't take either crowds, and only so much of small talk, which sounds like Charlie Browns' wawawa to me half the time, lol.

I don't have the answer either, Kay, but you've just articulated pretty much what I've been feeling.

Mary - you've hit the nail on the head for me with this post. I could never put words as to why I felt that surge of anger, but when you said, "they don't ask me. They tell me," that's it exactly.

I get this - but when I cook, I think often of my grandmother (an awesome cook), who never tasted nor measured. I find myself cooking like her - and like my husband, who also cooked from the soul. Which is what I'm hearing here, Annette.

I get it Deborah, all of it. Hugs and love to you today - Marsha

I think you've done a wonderful thing, Harry. If even one person reads what you've written, hears what you've said, understands and...that this can help, that's one person you've reached. My husband died of a rare cancer as well, cholangiocarcinoma, bile duct cancer. Almost no symptoms, and by the time it's diagnosed (and especially if it's spread, like his did), it's 6 months or less to live. I know you're feeling angry and consumed by sadness. Be gentle with yourself - a seed sown can grow. Hugs, Marsha

Hey, Kath - we had a quick 2 day honeymoon in the Catskills - a little chalet with a fireplace and a hot tub - hugs and peace today..

Thank you, Kay - I'll look for it.

Marty - I would add "A Single Man" to this list.

Debbie - Your post moved me so. I remember trying to get back into social activities - lunch with friends, that kind of thing. It almost made me feel worse - there was a movie reel running full tilt in my mind to the point where I probably heard 50%, if that, of what people were saying to me. So this is what I did (and this is only me, mind you). I began to spend more time with me. I was busy enough running a business, but when I was home, I did whatever I needed to. And if that was screaming at the top of my lungs, I did it. Journaling, finding this site and reading old posts and listening - it's a hard and devastating road that we all walk. I might add, too, that it's perfectly normal (did I just say normal?) to feel negative emotions. As hard as it is to face, try not to bury anger, or guilt, or loss of faith. There's a process of emotions that I think all of us share. Take care, Marsha