marsha

Good G-d, woman, you hit it - right after Joe died, I was paranoid I was going to revert to the party girl I was before I met him. Took a while to calm down, until I could see how totally illogical it was. I'm not the same woman as I was then, nor at 28, when I married Joe. For that matter, not the same woman I was on the day of diagnosis. To me, the soulmate status took all of the 24 years we were married. Yes, it took all of 6 weeks from the day we met for Joe to ask me to marry him. Then came the hard part - the compromise, financial difficulties, loss of both of our parents - and still, a deepening of love, trust, loyalty. My best friend - he could make me laugh, and he knew how to hit my buttons. There is no replacement for that - for Joe, just being Joe in my life. From now on in, it's different, a new normal I didn't wish for, but... Yes, I've often felt that full circle. Hugs, Valley - Marsha

Kath - I'm freaking out already, and you haven't even told it yet!

Hi Kat - I hear you! I've turned to friends, and if they're not available, the professionals to help me. I tried to be Marsha AND Joe - some things I could take on, some I couldn't. Sometimes, though, when I think if the situation were reversed, Joe would be going through the same lack of knowledge of what I did. We were a team - one took over where the other left off. But neither has/had all the answers. You're doing the best you can, and it sucks. Hugs!!! Marsha

Good luck, Debbie - let us know how it went - Hugs, Marsha

Greta - Please, please be assured that your thoughts are more than welcome here. I've had those feelings of rage, of helplessness, too. This is a terribly hard place we're in. Can I toss in some thoughts, here? I've found that I've tended to remove myself from those who won't support me, and won't try to understand. Yes, indeed, it hurts - but it hurt more to be around them. I also started counseling. That was a place, one on one, where I could say anything and everything, to an objective ear. A therapist can't help the grief, for the grief has a timeline of its own, but he was able to guide me out of the negative loops I would find myself in. Because what we really need to do is talk about it. I also started a journal, writing down everything and anything I felt, no matter how inconsequential. I came to some epiphanies on my own by doing so. Third, sometimes I locked the doors and windows and just screamed at the top of my lungs - I highly recommend this, if you can do it (an empty parking lot in your car works, too). And, of course, last but not at all in the least, coming here, where I not only found support, but the knowledge that others have walked this path before me - I know our grief is individual, but there's also strength to be found with others. I wish you the very best, and I hope you continue to post - Hugs and peace, Marsha

Alden - a half enpty can of WD40 did it for me, just recently as I was cleaning out the office at work. That was one of the last things Joe did, repair the lock on the back door of our deli. In the beginning it was overwhelming- it seemed like there were reminders everywhere I looked. Everything, and I mean everything, seemed to relate to my loss. Now it's a pang in my heart, and it still happens everytime I come across something. A lifetime of memories - of course we react, with tears, and yes, sometimes with a smile. (the smile came when I came across 10 tubes of caulk, all throughout the house - Joe would buy a new one for every job). Hugs to you, Marsha

I read your post, Kath, but I wanted to dwell on it for a couple of days. In my scary and frightened moments, I see myself living in the past. But when I look back on the past year and a half, I realized that a good chunk of that time was indeed reliving (no, remembering) the past. Not only my marriage, but my whole damn life. Because we're not just plunked down into marriage - there's childhood, our single life, and yes, our marriages - but even in our marriages, lots of growing over the years. And there's growing pains with each step. I don't know why, but from the beginning, I just had this intuitive sense that I needed to address those aspects of my life, my personality, to understand them, in order to get to where I am - and that's the present. I can't leap from point a to point z, do you know what I mean? I've thrown off definitions of who I am - I've tried to come to the core of who Marsha is, not what society defines me as. Throwing off the restraints, and just realizing I'm just me, here - it's scary, enlightening, sorrowful, unbelievable - all at the same time. You'll notice "try" and "scary" mentioned a lot - but that's what it's all about, isn't it? Hugs, Marsha

Hugs and love to you, Walt - for your Jeannie and you - love is eternal, isn't it? Hugs, Marsha

Thank you, Kath, for thinking of me!! It was pretty brutal. But this morning, 1/2, 6:00 a.m., I'm feeling a little better - I love and miss my sweetie so much. Hugs, Marsha

Valley - just did my crying, too - a hard one. Tomorrow's 18 months, plus our wedding anniversary. I'm already drinking the wine, but finding it hard to celebrate. We would usually be in bed way before 12, but half the time I'd wake up, or Joe would wake up and give each other a kiss for the new year. This second year really, really sucks. I'm sorry to hijack the good thoughts - I've been missing you, and I'm glad to see you post, my friend. Love and hugs, Marsha

Debbie - A beautiful post.. I love sunrises, and since I open my deli at 6:30, I'm fortunate to see them every morning. Every one is different - and this time of year the skies turn a brilliant red and blue as the sun comes up over the ocean. Every morning I stand outside the back door, watch, and say a silent prayer of thanks. Even when Joe was sick, he would take his old pickup and drive the quarter mile to the beach access and watch the same thing. I like to think he's watching with me. Hugs, Marsha

I come on every day, too, Rochel. The first months I was on this site I posted a lot, there were so many things going through my mind, I needed support and reassurance that I was normal. Like Jeanne says, it's just that I don't quite know how to express what's going on now. And if I may hijack your thread a tad, I'd like to say to Jeanne that I'm not sure it's that the widows/widowers further out are healing so much more quickly. For myself, the raw grief has abated (except when the grief monster wants to pay me a visit), but the pain and rememberance are still within me, every day. It's just that my coping mechanisms have improved. And so I hesitate to post, because the above was the last thing I wanted to hear when I was a new widow. Hugs, Rochel, for the kindness and empathy you've shown here. Marsha

John - I do believe you're speaking for all of us when it concerns weekends. What used to be looked forward to, hanging out, watching football, lazy Sunday morning breakfasts - it's a void now. Cooking shows always soothed me - so in the first months I must have logged 1000 hours of Top Chef viewing. Cleaning my toilets - always a good outlet (!) What I tried to do was little tasks. Clean out a closet - listen to music. Read, if you can - and I've only just started to be able to concentrate on a whole book. Post here. Fifteen minute increments of doing this and that, and the day passes. I know this sounds simplistic - but in reality, that was all I could do in the early months - take it 15 minutes at a time. Now it's a day at a time - I'm sure the other folks will have ideas to share, and in the meantime, vent away. Hugs, Marsha

Deborah - A lot of things have gone by the wayside in terms of holidays for me, too. I commend you for trying, but don't force anything because you feel you should or feel that it's time. Time is irrelevant - it's what you feel is right in your heart (yes, I believe you still have one!). This journey we're on entails a lot of baby steps, both forward and backwards - and it's certainly not just in the first year. Peace, my friend - Marsha

Laurie - the head might be logical, but the heart sure isn't. You wrote exactly what I was thinking in the early months. I was afraid if I didn't jump back in there, so to speak, life would pass me by. What I did learn was I couldn't force anything. What I ended up doing was acknowledging that - and that entailed a lot of journaling, reading and posting here, and a lot of introspection. Because it's not just the traumatic loss of our spouses, it's also about the fact that we need to find out who we are again. It's not an easy process, and it's on-going. Projecting the future, good or bad, is a fantasy, to quote my therapist. It's living in the here and now - I can't tell you how many times I would repeat that to myself as a mantra. Today is ... and that's all I'm going to think about right now. I hope this makes sense! Hugs, Marsha

Kath - I think what you're describing is normal - I hear this from friends who haven't lost a spouse! But like Ted said, add the grief monster lurking (especially now around the holiday), lack of sleep and too much on your plate, and the synapses just don't all fire. I've always been one to have a list going, but I swear, I now keep a daily list on a legal pad of every thing I need to do. I know Joe's death has turned me around 180 degrees, and I'm not sure if my behavior, my personality, is colored by that permanently, or that I'm me, just intensified. Am I making any sense here?? So I guess my answer is - I have the same question you do! Hugs, Marsha

I'm agreeing with that 18 month thing, Mary Lou!!

Vickie - I've been on the organ donor list since I got my license when I was 17. I've no doubt my liver will be a subject of fascination! You're not being negative, you're remembering, and it causes emotional pain. I just went to the preview of the Festival of Trees, a Hotline (womens' shelter) event - all the trees were beautiful, but all the donated gifts were meals for two, vacations for two...you get the picture. It made my heart hurt. You know we're always here for each other - Hugs, Marsha

Linda - grief does indeed re-write our address book. I've had friends for years who somehow melted away, completely oblivious, or not wanting to deal with me, I guess - I don't know, and now, I don't care. I pretty much laid it on the line in the beginning, and I was pretty harsh - the friends who truly cared about me, cared to understand this, and think about it. And they're the ones who stayed, and the ones I appreciate. How can I say this? Grief has kind of given me a laser vision - whoever falls by the wayside, it's meant to be. Some, I understand their feelings - some I don't, but I'm just letting them go. There are friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. Don't let the Christmas cards get to you - Hugs, Marsha

Happy Birthday, Jeanne! Can I send a cyber cake, complete with candles to blow out? Be good to yourself, today - Hugs, Marsha

Ted - no, this is not too explicit at all. First, let me just say that we're all very much in the same place in the early stages of grief - it's the later on when our past, our personalities come into play in how we then deal with it. Personally, I'm in no place to, nor would I, judge anyone on choices made. I can only speak for myself, and how I feel. For me, it's not just about sex for sex's sake anymore - been there, know what it's like, don't want to do it. It's been a long haul, emotionally, and it ain't over, yet. If I had taken the step to start a relationship, any kind of intimate relationship, it would have derailed what I HAD to do, grief wise. It took over a year just to get over the shock, and I didn't realize it until I looked back to where I was. Am I lonely? Yes, but for Joe only - anyone else would be a poor replacement. Do I feel? Of course - I'm as human as everyone else here. I'm just workin' it out, day by day, until I can figure out who I am. Then, maybe...Off my soapbox now - Hugs, Marsha

Can I throw in my 2 cents? Ted, if you had the masseuse I have, you wouldn't have to worry about being aroused - because a deep tissue massage hurts! (in a good way). I had 24 years of committed love with Joe. Before I met him, I had 10 years of intense partying (child of the 70's). So, having done the sex with benefits thing, and the married loyal thing - and after 17 months of widowhood, I've come to know myself. I look back and know that I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag, nevermind pursuing a relationship. It would have been detrimental to me, and not fair to the other person. So.. short of hiring a professional, self gratification is the key. I'm 53, (not dead yet!) and if anything's going to happen, it'll be when I'm ready, and not before. That's my 2 cents - hugs, marsha

It's good to hear from you, Mike! You know you and I are at the same timeline, and yes, although for me the days leading up to Thanksgiving were emotional, the day itself I felt peace. I walked on the beach, cooked a turkey just like we always did, talked to my stepson (3000 miles away) for an hour, and when it came time to eat, just silently thanked G-d for 24 wonderful years. I know your Janet was with you and your boys - take care - Hugs, Marsha

Can we talk? (I think it was Joan Rivers who used to say that) In the first year, looking back, even in my raw grief there was a kind of hopefulness that I clung to, because I thought once I cycled through the stages, over and over, there would be a time when eventually it got better. And yes, it has, in many ways. But this second year has brought yet another set of emotions, more for the learning curve. Thanksgiving last year I was 3 1/2 months out, and still in shock. This year, I'm doing the same thing - cooking a turkey, watching football, whatever it takes. I've had invitations from dear friends, but I just can't do it - I can't make small talk and pretend that everything's ok. So I'm going with my gut. It's been a rough week - tears have been at the surface constantly. Because now, I'm remembering the little things, the day to day things - and they hit all the time. Reality bites, I guess. The acceptance stage I feel now is the harsh reality that while the world is still going round, and I'm on for the ride, I'm living an alternate universe (or maybe a parallel one), that's internal. Outwardly, I have no doubt people think I'm doing ok. Except for yesterday, when long time customers who haven't been in for a while asked that dreaded question = "so where's Joe?", and when I told them, we all started crying (they're both widows/widowers). So the dual personality thing continues - I'm sorry I'm rambling, but this is where my head's been at the last few days. I feel loud music/screaming therapy coming on. GRRRRHHH! Happy Cranksgiving, all my friends - Hugs, Marsha

DeeGee - sounds like what I did, a lot. I can't tell you how many times my intentions were to do this or that, then backed out. Then got angry with myself, because I bought into the "you need to get a new life" comments. I finally came to really listen to myself, and myself only. If I felt comfortable doing something, good. If not, so what? Very early on, it usually made me feel even more miserable - I needed to get comfortable with myself first, to know who this changed person was. I'm not saying I didn't go out socially, but it was on my terms. My true friends have stuck by me (I was afraid they would abandon me if they didn't see me for months on end, lol). This is an ongoing process, by the way - Hugs, Marsha