shell

Elizabeth, I'm thinking of something I heard one time...."There was a man who complained he had no shoes, until he saw a man without any feet". Having a husband, daughter, and mother and saying you are all alone, or feel alone, makes someone who has no one wonder why you feel alone. You said it would be just you and your daughter for Easter. Having lost my mom last June, I would give anything to be able to say, "it will just be me and my mom this Easter", so it's all in the way we look at things. Personally, I have been trying to see the positive side (which for a pessimist like me isn't easy!) of situations and not the negative. I feel the negative, of course, but I focus on the positive and try to go from there. I'm not criticizing or judging you, just trying to help you feel less sadness. I reached a point in my grief where I realized that it wasn't going to just magically go away, that I was going to have to really work on it. It never goes away completely, of course, but in order to live my life I had to work on making my life as good as it could be and good for those around me. It isn't easy, in fact it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but eventually you can come to some sort of peace. I wish you that peace. Hugs, Shell

angelwings, Unfortunately, the memories stay with us for a long time...forever, I think. But, they will get "fuzzier" as time goes by, and they won't be so vivid. Hang in there. Big hugs, Shell

angelwings, I'm so sorry for your losses and the trouble you are having with the cemetary. I would say you are doing better than you think, having lost your twins and your mother. I feel so for you. I think losing your children has to tbe the worst grief of all, so you are entitled to be a mess. We all do well, then have down periods, but hang in there and you will cope better again. My heart goes out to you. Hugs, Shell

Laura, I agree with Teresa, you are a very strong person and trying to find the good through all of this shows what you are made of. I wish you the best of luck in finding out about your past. I think, no matter what happens, you will be ok, because you have determination, strength and the right attitude. You should be very proud of yourself. Keep us updated on how your search is coming along. Hang in there. Hugs, Shell

SmallBlessings, How tragic! I am so very sorry for your losses and can only imagine the shock and pain you are in now. Please come here and get your feelings out anytime you need to. Hugs to you, Shell

leeann, I couldn't agree with you more. I feel the same way about learning from the pain and becoming a better person. We have to make the best of grief, as strange as that sounds, and you are doing that. I think you are doing great! Hugs, Shell

Gail, I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my mom and dad within three years and many others, so I understand that feeling of having lost some of the most important people in your life. It's just sad and hard. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Hugs, Shell

Mariah, You are right, you will never be the same again. As many of have taked about here, you have a different life now and a different self. It's accepting this and "building" from there that will help you heal. I can't stress enough how long it takes to get to certain points, and I only say this to reinforce that people shouldn't feel worried that it has been "this long (as in weeks or months)" and I'm not better. It will take a long time to heal, so be patient with yourself and know that there is hope down the road that life will be bearable again. I think you will get through it because of what I've read from you, you have an inner strength that will help you. Hang in there. Hugs, Shell

leeann, You are doing a great job and should be proud of yourself! You brought up an important point. We all have choices and it really does depend on how we choose to look at things. Your attitude of changing a negative into a positive is wonderful. I've found myself doing the same type of thing and it really has helped. I think it takes awhile to reach that point, but it's something for all of us to think about. Hugs, Shell

Mariah, Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for your loss. We all have that horrible, "What if I had done this or that?" feeling. From what you've said, you have no reason to feel guilty. You did all you could. I think when we are so involved with our loved ones illnesses, we have to make a lot of decisions and do many, many things to help them. When the time comes that they pass on, we just can't believe it was beyond our control. I realized that was part of what I was feeling. We go through so many "rough spots" and things get ok again, that we can't believe there was something we couldn't "get past" again. But, unfortunately, there is that point beyond our help. The only thing that comforts me is to know that my parents aren't suffering or in pain anymore. As much as I wanted them to be with me forever, I wouldn't want them to be here again in the same condition they were. I can at least be grateful they are now at peace and hopefully happy and well. Hang in there, things do get better, but it takes awhile, so be prepared to have to grieve for awhile. Just take it one day at a time, something most of us on the board have found we had to do. Hugs to you and your brother, Shell

allalone, I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed, but it is normal, though that doesn't help much to know, huh? I still can't believe my mom and dad are gone, even though I know they are, of course. But it still seems unreal to me. I, too, wish more than anything that I had my mom back to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. Nothing can replace that. I wish I had some magic advice, but I don't. We just have to keep plodding along and hope that we can do ok, which we will in time. You may want to talk to your doctor about your meds and if you should get off them or change or whatever. It sounds like you need an accurate diagnosis of your condition. It's not always wise to adjust our meds ourselves. Just hang in there and know that it will be ok eventually. It takes time and it's normal to feel pretty good, and then feel pretty bad, for sometimes no apparent reason. But you will feel better again. Hugs, Shell

jojomg, My dad died of cancer too and you always wonder (no matter what the illness) if you could have done soemthing else, or different, if it would have made a difference. I personally believe in fate, that no matter, the outcome was meant to be. You loved your father, so you did not let him down in any way, shape, or form. You did not fail him because that's what ultimately counts, what is the best you could give him...your love. You mentioned you have kids and that you don't care if you live or die. Your kids need you and the greatest honor you could give your father is to be like he was, always there for you. If you follow in his steps in the same way for your children, it would be like continuing on his "legacy". Just something to think about. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs, Shell

I keep thinking of a quote I read, that I can't remember where, or who said it, as usual! Amyway, it said "Your power is your own". Sounds simple, but the more you think about it, the more meaning it has. I think all of us need to embrace this and by accepting, like Jennie is, we are taking the first step toward making our power our own. Hugs, Shell

Jo, You are so right. There are many sayings about "it's not what happens to us, but how we choose to react to it that matters". I love that you don't want to be on your deathbed and realize you wasted your life. I think accepting (not always forgiving, but accepting, which is quite different) is the key. I came to a point in my grief where I finally just accepted that these things had happened and they would always be with me, but I was still here and had to think in a positive way and live life. I also had others, including, (and perhaps most importantly) all my kitties who needed me. I think sometimes helping others (animals or humans) is a vital way to get over ourselves and move on and heal. You're a wise woman and you have an excellent view of life, something we can all benefit from. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Hugs, Shell

Maury, I know exactly how you feel. I'll be going along fine, with my "new self" as you so aptly put it, and then out of nowhere I feel lost and like a stranger to myself. It comes and goes, but I just forge ahead and remind myself that I am not the person I used to be. I have a good friend who is always praising me on how well I've handled the tough changes, and that has meant the world to me. So, I'm going to pass on the favor and tell you the same thing, that you have handled it well so far and will continue to and good for you! It's normal to wonder who you are at this point, but the new you will get to be a more comfortable friend as time goes by. Hang in there. Big hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, You didn't sound snappish. I just felt like others took what I said in the wrong way and that maybe I shouldn't always be so honest! I'm just glad you are willing to use the scooters and wish my mom had too. Hugs, Shell

Jo, Wow, what an incredible person you are! After all you have been through, you are not bitter and have made something positive out of your life. I want to thank you for reminding all of us that attitude is an important aspect of how we handle things. Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I remember the old saying that someone else has it worse. Yes, our feelings count for all of us and it's not a contest of who has had more misery, but sometimes we need to realize that our lives can be more positive if we choose to make them that way. I've always said that it's easier to be unhappy than it is to be happy! Happy takes work. You certainly are living proof that working on happiness pays off. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, How touching. I so know exactly how you feel, I've been there so many times. Funny how the word "negative" can be the most positive thing you've ever heard, huh? Hugs to both of you, Shell

Wendy, My mom had dementia and it is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Seeing someone you love and are so close to change into, sometimes, almost a stranger is heartbreaking. The only thing I can tell you is to read as much as you can about it, because there are many, many changes, not just forgetting things. Being prepared for them will help a little. I really feel for you...it's such a terrible disease. Hang in there as best as you can. You have so much on your plate, with your mother being ill too. A big hug, Shell

Susala, I know the feelings you're having, and it's hard to let them go. I strongly believe in fate and that things happen the way they are suppose to, but I still regret those few seconds and probably will for the rest of my life. But, we just have to know that there is no way of "fixing" it, so we have to let go of the guilt and give ourselves a break. I can't know for sure if my mom was waiting for me to leave the room, but I think she was and so I cling to that. Don't be so hard on yourself, please. Your mom knew how much you loved her. Hugs, Shell

Dianne, I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. As you said, she was ready to go and so she couldn't hold on, but that's ok. You will relive all of it for a long time but eventually time will soften it a bit. Hang in there and take one day at a time. Glad you found this site and welcome! Hugs, Shell

Jennie, You are definitely healing. Not being angry anymore and accepting...huge steps! That's the point I'm at too. I have accepted that life is rough but we just have to "go on", especially for the people who care about us, depend on us and need us. I, too, have lost so many, many people in the past three years and I'm almost numb to bad things happening. I think you eventually do build up some kind of shell to protect yourself. I'm so sorry about your accident. Hope you get better. Don't apologize for the length of your post. That's what we're here for, to both get our emotions out and to listen to others problems. The fact that you say you have grown is another huge step. Hopefully, that is something we should all do at some point experiencing grief. Keep up the good work and give yourself a pat on the back. It takes hard work, deep soul-searching and strength to get to where you are. Good for you. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, What a terrible thing to have happen, both physically and emotionally. Thank you for sharing your story. I know my mom had terrible back pain, and I would try to get her to use those scooters, but she wouldn't. I thought I made it clear that I no longer make such quick judgements when I see people using them and haven't for a long time. I was just sayng that at one time in my life (when I was younger and not so wise about health issues, so to speak) I sometimes thought some people didn't "look" like they needed one. So much for honesty! Anyway, I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm just glad they have made those available at stores for people who need them. hugs, Shell

lyn, It's ok to still feel numb. Nine months seems like a long time, but it's not when dealing with grief. I'm at about nine months too with my moms death (3 years with my dads death) and I still don't feel like my "old" self (except for feeling old!) I don't think we will ever be the same and that's just something we have to accept, I guess. I read somewhere that we just try to get along as best we can without them and I guess that's what it amounts to. We go on and someday we will get back into the flow of life...a different life. But it takes time...a long time, so hang in there! Take it one day at a time and do what you must for yourself to cope. Hugs, Shell

Robert, I understand your reasons completely. I wish you the very best. And, yes, you would be very welcome to come back if you need to. You just made all of us feel very good that this helped you. The very best of luck to you. Hugs, Shell