shell

Shubom, It's good to hear from you again, although I'm sorry it's under such sad circumstances. You might remember I went through six deaths in two and a half months, and two more later on down the road, so I totally understand where you're at. It is completely overwhelming. And the worry of future deaths only adds to the anxiety. I remember your story and all the struggle you went through. I'm so proud of you that you have come this far. It is normal that you would feel everything you are feeling right now, but I know you will get through it, because you have already gotten through some tough stuff. You have strength, Shubom, and it will get you through this too. Underneath all the anxiety, sadness, fear, shakiness, and everything else you are feeling is a strong core. Hang in there and keep us updated. A big hug, Shell

I lived with my mom and dad, so the house is still the same basically as when they died. I have just recently replaced two things we had hanging on the wall with new things that I liked better and I even felt somewhat guilty doing that. We moved into this house about 25 years ago and my mom and I picked out things together, so I like all the things in our house and don't feel any need to change it. That part of it is lucky and makes it somewhat easier. The hard part is my parents bedroom. Again, a lot of the stuff are things I got them for presents and also like, so I have left it the same. My moms purse is still right where she always kept it, I still have their toothbrushes and toothpaste in their bathroom drawer, etc. I know that I could make better use of that room if I changed it, but I just can't right now. The hardest part was that my mom had c-diff, which is very contagious, so after she died I felt I had to throw away her pillows and other items I couldn't sanitize. That was heartbreaking. But, ya know, making just one little change at a time, or throwing out one thing is a start and I think someday we will all get to the point where we are ready to throw out a bit more and on and on. leeann, I would greatly appreciate the links about the paperwork! I have a lot I know I can shred, but am really unsure about others. Hang in there, we will get it accomplished eventually, when the time is right! Hugs, Shell

I'm right there with the rest of you! I have tons of notes... here, there and everywhere! Renee's suggestion about doing one thing instead of three was great. I also try to focus on whatever it is I'm doing and not get distracted. Complete that one thing, then move on to another. When I get totally swamped and overwhelmed, I try to just sit down and go "blank", for even five minutes. Sort of like meditating, I guess, but it helps me to re-group and re-think what I have to do. I guess we can't all be senile, so we should stop worrying and just get by as best as we can! Hugs, Shell

Mike, Thank you...what a nice thought. Hugs, Shell

leeann, One thing I did was give some of my moms dearest friends some of her things. They treasured them and I knew my mom would be happy that they were happy and wouldn't have minded me doing this. The paperwork...I'm still working on that too! I know what you mean about not getting any good, solid info on what to save and what can go. I have boxes and boxes of things to shred and they just sit there. I'm worn out, so I've ignored them. But someday I'm going to have to get at it. Is there any place else you can store some of these things? Maybe even rent a small storage unit? It's a hard task to deal with all this! I remember a movie where the mother had died and one of her daughters knocked her moms favorite bowl off the counter and broke it. She was horrified and her sister said to her, "Don't worry about it" and the sister said, "But that was moms favorite bowl" and her sister replied, "She doesn't need it anymore". I think of that often, and sometimes when I do throw something out, I always say, "well, mom, you don't need this anymore." It's like it's a comforting thought that they are free and don't need material things anymore. Good luck with your "cleaning out"! Hugs, Shell

I think movies and songs are a way for us to "allow" ourselves to cry. Sometimes I really need a good cry, but try to avoid it because I've cried sooooo much already. Then I hear a song, or watch a movie where something sad happens, and I have that good cry I needed. It's good therapy! hugs, Shell

Mike, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost mine last June. It takes a long time to feel any degree of life being "normal" again, so be patient with yourself and be sure you grieve as much, and as long, as you have to so that you can begin to heal. I think being sober for 11 years and flushing the pot shows what a strong person you are and that strength will help you in this grief journey we all are on. I'm sure your mom was very proud of you. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, That is so funny! My babies want mama only and get very upset and pouty when someone else is in the house too. As I've said before, they have saved my life. I don't think there are some things I would have made it through without them. To me they are perfection. Hugs to you and your babies, Shell

allalone, You are absolutely right, that these are steps forward because you are thinking about things. When someone dies, I've found that a lot of things come to the surface and you start thinking about things you never did before. But it's another form of healing, in my opinion. We sort of review that persons life and our own. It is painful, but healing in it's own way. I hope your trip goes well. It may not be as hard as you think, you may find some peace in visiting family. Good luck. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, My cats are all strays, so they are afraid of people (wisely, I think! but that's another story!) So when people come over, they all run and hide and no one believes I have ten cats! The other 17 are ouside and live in the yard and the garage. I, too, am anal about housecleaning, so luckily the house doesn't smell like I have ten cats either. But I think some people are beginning to think I'm a crazy old lady who just THINKS she has ten cats inside...hahahaha. Yep, we have to stick together! Hugs, Shell

Hi all, I also had so much on my plate after my dad died, and my mom got sick, and it was one thing after another,and then my mom died... all of which I "handled". I so relate to your stories and how you handle all this terrible stuff and then when it's "over", you fall apart. But that is normal really. We keep going and doing what we have to do and then, all of a sudden, it's gone and you feel lost. I had to laugh, leeann, (and I don't mean that unkindly) when you said you have a hard time making a grocery list and then don't get things that are on the list! I do the same thing! It makes me feel so much better, though, to hear that others are as rattle-brained as I am these days. We must be ok if all of us are doing it! Hugs and love to all, Shell

Annie, What a special kid you have! You're so right, sometimes we just have to feel sad and that's ok. Give him a big "family hug" from all of us here. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, Sorry! I really hate to tell most people how many I have, they make such a big fuss about it! I usually just say "a lot" and change the subject! I'm the same way about people feeling sorry for me. I love it when people care, but not when they feel sorry for me, because I can honestly say I never felt like "poor me" that this happened. I felt everything else in the world, but no self-pity. I think if you fall into that trap it makes your grief harder to get over. It almost changes it into a whole other issue. Hugs, Shell

Allalone, I'm 54 and feel the same way, like a little girl looking for her mommy. Age has nothing to do with grief. Like Leeann said, it's just that we loved, and were loved, so much. I think we should abolish all holidays! Valentines Day can be depressing anyway, let alone with what you had to deal with. I think you did pretty good! You were there for your daughter and got through it. If you're having some lingering depression, that's normal. We have to "recover" from events like that. So, give yourself a pat on the back and know that the day was ok, full of honest emotion. The guy at work is a gem! Hugs, Shell

Cindi, How sweet of you to say that. I feel the same way, that this site has given me so much and I care so much about all the people here. I'm so glad you are finding help here. A big hug, Shell

Lori, Yep, 27! They keep me very busy! Hugs, Shell

Shelley, It may just be that the closer you get to actually going on the trip, the more nervous you're getting. I can plan something and be fine, but the closer it gets to the event, the more nervous I get. Usually, it goes fine once I get started. It's the antcipation and all the thoughts associated with it. Please quit worrying so much about embarrassing other people. You probably won't and you know what, even if you did, so what? Life won't come to a stop, the world won't explode...I'm making light of it, but it really is true. I used to worry about stuff like that until all the grief came. Then I just didn't care so much anymore. You have to think about yourself and worry less about others right now. Nine times out of ten, we act fine and worried about something needlessly. Just relax and be yourself, Shelley. Give yourself a break, sweetie. Hugs, Shell

Ernie, Those are good suggestions. As we all know, you are in such shock when someone dies, that any help not having to deal with anything you don't absolutely have to is so important! Just quietly being there for them, ya know? Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, I sure hope the best for your sisters friend. The bonds we form with our animals are the only ones I can think of that are never broken. The bonds we form with people, well, they can last for years and then, wham, their gone, but our babies love us always. That's just one of the reasons they are so incredible. Hugs, Shell

I was raised with a big emphasis on having good manners. There are times when I had to act "ok" because it would have been bad manners not to, and in a weird way, it helps you get through the bad moments. I realized that my grief was not an excuse to act anyway that I felt like. I can do that in private. But I don't expect the rest of the world to "know" how I feel and have sympathy for me anymore. It's different with family and friends....they should understand. But just people in general...it isn't their problem and so it's easier to have good manners and fake it, in my opinion. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, A really good sign! To me, it's proof that you are beginning to heal. That's wonderful. Hugs, Shell

Wendy, I'll be sending hopeful, positive thoughts for your mom. We'll all be thinking of you and her. Hugs, Shell Karen, Sadie is beautiful! What a sweetheart. Hugs, Shell

I think when you have that moment when you think, "Is this a sign?", that it is a sign. Trust your gut feelings. Hugs, Shell

Nettan, Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I was like that with my mom, who I lost in June. I always wondered how I could possibly go on without her, but now that I've had to face that, I find that I am, just because I have to. My mom always said, "You do what you have to" and now I truly understand what she meant. It will take a long time, but you will make it, so don't get discouraged. What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal and as time goes on, you will learn how to cope better with her loss. You will never get over it, but it will become a part of your "new" life and you will heal. Hugs to you, Shell

Karen, I don't blame you for your anger! I just don't understand how horrible people can act, especially over money! My friend who moved to my town (another post ahwile ago!) is having greed problems with her son that I won't even go into. But it just hurts me to see her have to put up with it. I hope all these people get what's coming to them someday! Hang in there. You are such a good person, we all love you so much! Hugs, Shell