shell

Bob, Great advice. Reminds me of the John Lennon quote: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I think sometimes we all think too much. Facing your feelings head on and coming to terms with yourself and what life has dealt you is healing, but there comes a time when we have to just live. As you said, you have to live in the moment. Hugs, Shell

Midnight, Yes, antidepressants might help, so talk to your doctor (especially since you are throwing pails at your hubby, which, as you said, is not good). Three weeks is no time at all and it is no wonder you are feeling so badly. Hang in there, talk with your doctor and realize that it will take a long time to cope with it all. Just ignore the people who think you should be "over it" by now...they are idiots or haven't been there! Hugs, Shell

Midnight, You have a one in a million doctor! Consider yourself very lucky for that and tell him the truth about how you feel. I'm sure he can help you some. Hugs, Shell

Midnight, I think you answered your own question. You said that you lost your father, you couldn't lose your husband too. As hard as it is to get through this, the hard, cold truth is that if we care enough about the others in our lives, we can use that to help us keep going. I experienced this after my dad died. I looked around at all my cats (who are my children...yes, I'm one of THOSE people!) and realized that they needed me and that my mood was making them depressed and scared. So I started acting happy around them, even though I felt anything but, and they perked up and it made me realize I had to go on for them. I also started taking an antidepressant, which helped me with my anxiety attacks and made it a little easier to cope. You might talk to your doctor about it. You need to get all your feelings out and cry and rant and all of that. It's important in order to heal. But we also have to remember the others in our lives and how important they are to us and we to them. For me, it made me more appreciative of the others in my life that stood by me. We just have to be grateful if we have even just one other person who cares, and live for them maybe. It's one reason for us to keep going. Hugs, Shell

Mont, It is so impressive, and hopeful, that you understand your feelings. You basically know where you stand, why and what to do about it. That's a tremendous advantage and I think with time you will find a way out of the "dark period" you feel you are in now. I've found, for me, just talking about what I'm feeling gets me thinking and delving into my deepest feelings and it all helps me to fight my way out of the bad times. You are an intelligent man who will figure it all out when you're ready. I have complete faith in you, I just feel you are on your way to healing yourself. Not easily or maybe even quickly, but steadily. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, I'm so sorry for your condition, it must be hard. You didn't mention why you have to use a scooter (not that I'm asking you to), but anytime you can't get around on your own, it is so hard and tiring I imagine. But the fact that you would go to Disney World and keep going is proof of how strong and determined you are. That's great, you should be proud of yourself. You're never too chatty! hugs, Shell

Midnight, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been three years since my dad died and nine months since I lost my mom and I'm still not "over" either of them and never will be. I've learned to cope with life without them because you just have to go on, but I will always have days (sometimes weeks) that it seems like just yesterday that it happened. So, ignore people who tell you to "get over it". You take your time, and do whatever you have to, to take care of your own emotions. Yes, I would tell your doctor how your feeling. As far as your sister "threatening" that he will put you on antidepressants, many of us on this board (including myself) are on antidepressants and that's not a bad thing. It might be just what you need to help you through this. Feeling a little less depressed and able to cope and sleeping better are important things at a time like this. If your doctor thinks you need them, then don't feel bad about taking them. See what he thinks and tell him honestly what you're feeling. It sounds like he might be the type of doctor who will understand and help you. Hugs to you, Shell

Hi Gary, Welcome to the board! I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and the guilt you are feeling over it. Believe me, we all have things we regret and wish we hadn't said or done, but in this life it is perfectly normal to lash out when we are upset, angry or hurt. You just can't blame yourself for his death because of what you said. If life were only that simple...we could keep everyone alive by never saying anything bad! Please, please, let go of your guilt and realize that your dad knows you didn't mean it. I am so sad for you that you lost your dad at such an early age, it does seem unfair, huh? But you are still here and have to make the best of the rest of your life and that's the way your dad would want it. Talk to your dad now and tell him how sorry you are and all your feelings. A lot of us believe they are still with us and watch over us and can hear us, so try it. I talk to all the people I have lost all the time and it makes me feel better just to get my feelings out. I'm hoping it's true they can hear us, but if not, you have nothing to lose and it helps to verbalize your feelings. I'm absolutely sure your dad has forgiven you, so please forgive yourself. A big hug to you, Shell

Susala, I'm so sorry for your loss. I left the room for literally 30 seconds(I had just changed my moms panties and had to run them out to the trash) and when I came running back into my moms room, she was gone. It just killed me that I had left for that 30 seconds! But, a book I read (called "Final Gifts" and a wonderful read) said that sometimes people wait until you are gone to die. They don't want to upset you, so they wait until you aren't there to go. Maybe your mom did that. She saw you and that's all she really wanted and maybe she thought you would be the most upset at seeing her die. It may have been a blessing to her that you left. The more I think about the way my mom acted, the more I am convinced that she wanted me to leave the room because she knew and didn't want me to actually see her last moments. Anyway, I hope this might help you a little. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, I'm so glad you reminded us not to judge a book by it's cover. I very shamefully admit I have seen people in the grocery store riding around in the motorized carts and thought, they don't look like they need that! Or parking in the handicapped zone and hopping out of the car and walking normally into the store, and thinking they were cheating, using a car with a handicapped sticker on it that belongs to another family member! But I can say that I usually catch myself and think....you never really know what's going on, so I hope that excuses me a little! But it's good to be reminded. Hugs, Shell

So glad you're staying too! We would worry if we didn't hear from you! Hugs, Shell

William, Good to see you on the boards again! I have felt sometimes that I'm down in the dumps and that I don't want to post it...then I remember that's why we're all here! If we can't vent to each other here, then we can't vent anywhere! This is one family that accepts us, warts and all. So please post when you're feeling down too. We all care about each other and worry when we don't hear anything from one of us! Hugs, Shell

Joy, Yes, we do carry on and it does seem unreal, but in a way it's good. Like we're on auto-pilot or something! I guess that's how we get through it. I believe that when people die, their spirit is still around and they are still with us. I don't know if that's exactly what you meant about life after death, but that's my idea of "life after death". I read somewhere the theory that when people die, they just shift to another level. So they aren't really dead, just on another plain. Hugs, Shell

The horrible memories of their last moments does fade in time, or we at least find a way to keep them out of our minds. It's been such a short time for you. Just try to remember that it will get easier to deal with eventually. Hugs, Shell

Robert, I think it's so nice of you to give your name. It makes it more personal. I'm so sorry you lost your best friend, it is so hard. I'm glad and relieved to hear you have a wonderful family and some other friends who are trying to support your grief. I also think more, not less, of you for sharing this with us and coming to this site. It's ok if you haven't been too positive lately...no one would expect you to be and that's why you can come here and talk about "negative" things. It's very hard to be positive when you lose someone you care about, so don't worry about it. You have to get all your feelings out to begin to heal. A big hug to you, Shell

Joy, In a book I read on grief, the woman had lost her husband and everyone kept telling her how lucky she was to have had that kind of love for the years she did. She said she felt like asking them how they would feel if someone told them they had won a million dollars, and then came back the next day and said it wasn't true. I think of that often. So I know how you feel when people tell you how lucky you were to have him that "long". I get told the same thing about my parents (they were both in their eighties when they died). The "I still can't believe it" part lasts a long time. My dad died in '05 and my mom last June and I still can't believe it. Hang in there and take care of yourself and your feelings. Hugs, Shell

Montaigne, You have taken the first step to getting help and healing...posting this. I can't tell you how much I admire you for being able to tell your story so honestly. It took great courage to come here and share this with us. You may have to add in some counseling and some help for your alcohol problem, but I can tell you are heading toward setting your life on a better path. Please continue to share your feelings here, it has helped all of us so much. I can only echo what everyone else has said, your mother dying is not your fault in any way. I'm so sorry for the horrific childhood you had and for the loss of your Chloe. And I know that both your mother and Chloe would want only the very best for you, so think of it as honoring them by healing yourself. I feel sure you have what it takes. A big hug, Shell

Good point, Marty! Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, It's too bad your cousin is being the way she is. She is missing out on some very good advice and support from you. Look around a little...there may be someone else out there that needs some help, ya never know. I have been surprised at the people I would never have suspected that wanted my advice or help or support. I just didn't know it and when I realized it, I felt good being there for them. I'm sure Jenn was there with you. The people we loved and lost are always still with us, I believe. And don't feel bad about feeling the way you do about the whole situation....perfectly normal and acceptable! Hang in there. Hugs, Shell

Gamer205, I agree with Elizabeth about the moving on thing. Just ridiculous words. I'm so sorry for your loss. We survive, but we never are the same and we have to get used to a new life. I get angry at how people "rate" deaths. The death of a child is worse than a parent and a parent is worse than a friend, etc. It doesn't matter...when you lose anyone you care about it is a traumatic experience. I get the same thing with my animals, who I love more than most people. They are my babies, but people don't understand and think, "it's just an animal". So, I have found that I tell very people when I lose one of my babies...I don't want to hear their insincere "that's too bad", like I'm telling them I stubbed my toe! Sometimes we just have to grieve by ourselves and ignore the rest of the world. I'm sure your friend is "with you". Hugs, Shell

Oh Annie, I'm so pleased for you! The Post Traumatic Stress is interesting. Like you, I tend to think of soldiers or crime victims when I think of that term, but it makes so much sense that it would apply to any kind of severe stress. Take care of yourself and good for you for trying again! Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, I would absolutely love to have you as a neighbor and friend! And yes, we could talk for hours. I know what you mean about how people listen but don't talk. I feel that so much. I know some of my neighbors already think I'm the crazy cat lady...but, ya know what? I couldn't care less. That's one good thing about grief, it makes you care less about a lot of things! I could use some of your chicken soup too! If you ever come this way, let me know! Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, Well, I'd say you did really good! I don't think I could have sat through the whole ordeal! Don't feel bad feeling the way you do. It's perfectly normal and we can't feel genuine happiness for every other person on the planet, especially where we are at right now. I have been feeling somewhat the same things. I've tried so hard to help others and be happy and blah, blah, blah. I'm tired...plain, simple, period! And just tonight I said to my brother that I wished I could have even just two days to not do anything! Not have to deal with anything! So, yeah, I know where you're at! A very good friend of mine, who has to listen to my whining about feeling guilty because I get irritated with people, tells me the same thing I just told you. It's normal to have these feelings and we shouldn't have any guilt about them. She's a wise lady and so I just remember that I can only handle so much. When I'm fed up and tired I try to just blow everything off, and retreat as much as possible to re-fuel! Hang in there, Elizabeth. take some time off and do for yourself, treat yourself as well as you do everybody else. Hugs,(and a big pat on the back for getting through the shower), Shell

Hi Debbie, I'm glad to hear from you again. I think that although you are still heartbroken, which is totally normal, you are doing well, and I'm very glad to hear it. I'm so sorry about your nephew. I wish the very best for him, and with his attitude, he will probably have a very good chance of beating this. I know how you feel about not getting any signs from your dad. I don't feel I've had any strong signs (maybe a couple I thought might be signs, but not definite) from either my mom or dad. It makes me sad. But in a book I've been reading about people who have had after death communications, it seems they "contact" you when you are in some distress, which you'd think would be now, but maybe he feels you don't need him yet, that you will need him more later on. Maybe we are looking too hard for some sign, I don't know. Hang in there. You are doing better than you think. Just take it day by day. Hugs, Shell

Joy, I'm so sorry for your loss. Leeann said it all and gave you great advice, so I can't add anything to that. Just know this a great place to get your feelings out to people who have also been where you are and truly understand your feelings. Hang in there. Hugs, Shell