shell

Oh Wendy, how cute! Thanks for posting the pics. I'd try to send my cats, but it's hard to get 27 to sit for a "group" shot! Kisses to your gang too! Hugs, Shell

I keep thinking of the saying, "fake it until you can make it". Sometimes faking happiness brings real happiness. It's all in the mind. Of course, there are some days that you just can't muster up anything but sadness, but that's ok too. Normal really. Hope everyone finds a little gold today! Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, I'm so happy about the good news with your cats! You can breath again! I'm so sorry about your sister's friend. It does seem like we are constantly having to take the bitter with the sweet! Hang in there! Hugs, Shell

Wendy, Karen, Elizabeth, We're so lucky to have our babies, huh? My favorite time is when I can take a nap and have several of them all cuddled up with me. They also keep me very busy, as they are quite determined (I like to call it that instead of spoiled!)that they should have what they want, when they want it! Give all your babies a kiss from me! Hugs, Shell

Wendy, The same with my babies, being so in tune with my feelings. In fact, that's what helped me a lot, was realizing that my mood was affecting them and making them depressed and worried and unhappy. One day I looked at them and decided that I was going to have to be happy for them, even if I was faking it. So I started acting cheerful and they perked up, but it's like the old expression "Fake it until you can make it". Just by faking it for them, I began to actually feel happier. Of course seeing them happy again was a tremendous help too. They are truly my lifesaver and always have been. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, I love hearing stories from other animal lovers about their babies. I have ten cats inside and seventeen outside and they are all strays and characters! But they are the most wonderful thing in my life! Your little guy sounds so special and is lucky to have a mom like you to take care of him. Hugs, Shell

Rosanne, That brings tears to my eyes. I remember reading that sometimes people have to be told it's ok for them to go, that they are hanging on for us. So, when the hospice nurse told me that my mom was not going to be around much longer, I layed down with her and told her that I loved her more than anyone and I didn't know what I was going to do without her, but that if she needed to be with my dad and her dad and all the others she missed and loved, it was ok for her to go. She had her eyes closed and nodded, and I felt that she was relieved. She died two days later. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I think she needed to hear that it was ok for her to let go. Hugs, Shell

That's the one thing we can be grateful for, that our loved ones are no longer in pain. Hugs, Shell

Drew, You said it all...."no one cares like mom". I feel that so strongly and it really hurts because there is no replacement possible. Hang in there. I know it has been recent for you, so take care of yourself and grieve fully. It will never be the same (your life) but it will go on and you will learn ways to cope with the loss. I know it's not the same at all, but if you care to tell us about the girl you might be interested in, we'd love to hear it. Some of the older, "motherly" types (like me!) on the board would be glad to give you advice...hahaha. It helps us to think of someone else besides ourselves. I don't think that people realize sometimes that letting someone help you helps them too. Anyway, if you care to share, we're here! Hugs, Shell

Karen, You are such a dear person to us. And you are so right about how down the road you can help others. My best friend of forty years just moved to my town and she has dementia. Having gone through that with my mother, I felt it was "fated" that I would be the one to help her out of a bad situation. So, in a weird way, the tragedy with my mom has enabled me to help a friend that I think of as a sister. You are such a sweet, caring person. A true example for all of us to follow. Let's hope that this terrible thing called grief makes us all better people. Big hugs to you, Shell

CFH, It doesn't sound strange at all. I think most of us start thinking about our own mortality when we lose a loved one. It's almost impossible not to. As far as your sleeping problem, that is very understandable, since your mom died in her sleep. Since it's not an everyday thing, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure as time goes by, you will find that worry will lessen and your sleeping habits will straighten out. Grief is full of many emotions and feelings and they are all ok! I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs, Shell

Drew, Allalone said it so wisely. We do need a break, to back off to grieve. Her car accident analogy was a perfect example. Sometimes I get so depressed and worried and overwhelmed and berate myself for it, and then I think of what I've been through in the last three years and realize it's been terribly traumatic. So I give myself permission to feel the way I do. If nobody else understands, too bad for them. Give yourself a break and do what you have to do to deal with all of this. Hugs, Shell

allalone, It doesn't sound weird to me at all. I also took care of my mom and I have her ashes in her bedroom, which I am in all the time, and talk to her all the time. I know her "body" is gone, but I feel she is still hearing me. I did put some of her clothes away in a storage container, but have not thrown out anything. It's like I think she might come back and need them! I even still have her toothbrush and toothpaste, brush, etc. in her bathroom. It's normal to "hang on" even when we know they are gone physically. So relax, you're not going crazy! You just still feel close to her and that's good. Hugs, Shell

Whiteswan, Unfortunately, I haven't had any "messages" from my mom, but sure wish I would! How wonderful that dream was for you...and yes, I believe it was real and definitely a message that everything will be ok. I feel the same way as you, that my mom was my rock and buffer, etc. and now I feel like I don't have anyone to REALLY count on anymore. I also talk to my mom and then think she would know it before I told her! And I still haven't changed a lot of things I should have by now, but removing her name is like a kick in the stomach. Hang in there. Hugs, shell

Sites like this are so wonderful, especially for people who can't find local groups or, like your sister, have difficulties getting out. That's so compassionate of you to think of your sister and helping her. She's lucky to have such a caring sibling! Hugs, Shell

Drew, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been such a short time since you lost her that your feelings are very normal. I lost my dad and my mom (and many others) in the past three years and I'm still trying to cope. It takes a long time. I will say that I have done some incredible soul-searching during this time and it was both very painful and very liberating at the same time. Take this time to really search your heart and mind about your life and what you want in the future. You might have been headed in the wrong direction and this is natures way of letting you know. You might find a "new path" of life that will suit you better. I think, personally, that everything has a message to it and that includes death. You asked how you get on with your life. The only advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. Just feel whatever you feel and cry and rant and do whatever it takes to grieve. In time, it will get "better", honestly. It's a long roller-coaster ride, but it will get easier. A big hug, Shell

I go through periods where I replay my mom and my dads illnesses and deaths. It is natural to do this and especially right after their death (and I mean months...not just days). But I think it's part of the healing process and eventually you won't think about it as much. You will go over and over it until you come to terms with it and accept that there was nothing else you could have done. To me, it's almost like exhausting yourself to the point where your mind finally says "Enough". Hugs, Shell

Whiteswan, You hit the nail on the head. How the depression can spiral out of control by us fighting it and then judging ourselves, etc. I always hear it compared to an ocean. That if you just flow with it, you will have your ups and downs, but you'll get there, so to speak. If you try to fight it or swim against it, you'll sink. While the emotions may be hard and wear us out, fighting them just wears you out more. Not something we need at a time like this. Now when I feel bad in any way, I just accept it and feel bad, realizing it is just part of grieving. I want to clarify something though. When I say accept your feelings, I'm not saying "get over it". I just wanted to make sure no one felt that that's what I meant in any way! As we all know, we never "get over it". And also, this "acceptance" doesn't come easily, so if you're not there yet, don't feel there's anything wrong. It took me a long time to get to this point. hugs, Shell

Neicy, My deepest sympathies for the loss of your mom and what happened with your sister. My dad died in 2005 and my mom sort of snapped too. She seemed to get dementia overnight! Sounds similar to your sister, although my mom knew me most of the time and I cared for her until the day she died. Like you, I was very close to my mom and she was my best friend too. I feel that there is a huge empty spot inside me that is my parents and I know it will never be filled again. I'm so glad you found this site because it helps you to heal to be able to express all your feelings. Keep coming here and getting your feelings out. Weloome to the board. A big hug, Shell

Lori, I'm so sorry for the situation with your dad. Some people just seem to have to run away from grief and it sounds like that's what your dad did, maybe. Also, his new wife may be having a lot more influence over him than you think. She may seem nice, but not want him to be a part of anybody elses life but hers. I've seen this happen several times! They want that person all to themselves and don't want any "reminders" (like children or other family) of the life they had before they met. It's a mean, selfish, childish thing, but it happens. I don't know if this is the case here or not, but something for you to think about. It's so hard to lose someone that way. They're not really gone, but might as well be and so hurtful to be accused of things you would never do. I find it so unbelievable how people react to a death. They add so much pain to an already excrutiating situation. Try to hang in there and know that you are not to blame. Hugs, Shell

mduwyenie, I'm so sorry about your mom. My dad went very quickly too and it is an added shock. Any death leaves you numb and not quite believing it happened, but when they go quickly, without any warning of anything wrong, it adds another layer to the grief. I'm glad that you found this site. I couldn't find any local support groups either and I found that this site was, for me, just as good as a "live" support group. Everyone has helped so much. Just being able to talk about your symptoms or problems or just anything you're worried or wondering about, and getting feedback is so supportive. Welcome to the board. Hugs, Shell

Martin, I'm sorry your group experience wasn't better. I hope your visit with the psychologist goes well. There are times when we all need help to get through rough times. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Hugs, Shell

Whiteswan, I get depressed on and off again too. Even when I should be feeling somewhat happy, it will hit me. I think it's just part of this darned rollercoaster we're on! I'm not sure it ever goes away completely. But, when you think about it, it's perfectly understandable. You can't go through losing someone (or multiple people and beloved pets) and just go on merrily with your life. If you can, then I would worry even more about that! I finally just accepted that I am going to be going through a lot of emotions for a long time, and when I did that, it got "easier". The emotions aren't any easier, but my reaction to them isn't as bad. I don't get as worried about it, I just accept it and try to move on after I feel whatever I'm feeling at the moment. I think acceptance has helped me in a lot of areas. It's going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Hope this helps you. Hugs, Shell

Elizabeth, Bless your heart! I wish there were more like you. I have 27 cats that are all strays (10 inside, which is pretty much the limit and 17 outside)and I have to get them to the vet to be tested and fixed and get their rabies shot as soon as they will let me touch them. It's a full time job and very hard when one tests positive and has to be put to sleep. You are absolutely not to blame for the kitten having FIP. She sounds like she doesn't know anything about cats....she shouldn't even be heading up a rescue. I know how expensive it is too! You are doing a wonderful thing. I hope your grown up kitties are alright. It's usually passed through biting, I believe, so if they didn't fight they are probably ok. My thoughts will certainly be with you. I'm so sorry, too, for the loss of your friends. It seems like everything just hits all at once, doesn't it? As Wendy suggested, take some time for yourself. You need a breather. A big hug, Shell

Corinne, As usual, Bob said so many important things so well. I am just assuming by what you've said that he disappeared and was found dead later. I hope I'm not being insensitive. I only bring this up because I think, if that's the case, that adds a whole other dimension to your grief. It's an added grief in itself, and of course when someone has alcohol and gambling problems (or addictions of any kind) that adds another layer of grief. So, yes, you have a multi-layered grief journey going on and that makes it harder still! I know my mom had a friend who absolutely hated her husband for many years. When he died, she was relieved and not too sorry about it. She didn't shed a tear, and to make matters worse he apparently had a girlfriend who had the gall to show up at the hospital AND his funeral! A girlfriend she knew nothing about! Well, needless to say, she wasn't too broken up when he died. However, about a year after he died, she started grieveing for him. She told my mom her kids thought she was crazy, and she couldn't understand it either, but she missed him. So, it funny how even a miserable relationship is still a relationship that has affected our lives. Even if it was in a bad way, it is still a part of our history, so to speak. But as Bob so wisely pointed out, we need to remember the good and the bad, but concentrate on the good and let the bad float away. Just feel what you feel. As time goes by, you will come to terms with it and be able to grieve for him in a healthy way and begin to heal. I'm so sorry for your losses and what you've had to go through, but it will make you stronger in the end. Big hugs, Shell