shell

My mom and dad also had Hospice, only at home. I have always said that they are truly angels! Hugs, Shell

Cindi and Drew, I've been through the same thing. People not coming through for me and falling apart over it. I know my feelings are more raw, and that most of the time I'm over-reacting, but it just hurts when you can't count on someone or something. Drew, you hit it right on the head about feeling abandoned again. Fortunately, or unfortunately...I'm not sure...I have now gotten to the point where I don't count on anyone or anything but myself. Maybe that's good, I don't know! Hugs, Shell

Cindi, You have the right attitude and that is going to help you heal. And good for you for taking a firm stand with your husband! We all have to do whatever it takes to get through this. It's really a fight for your life, in a way...a new life, for sure, but your life just the same. This board is like a second home for us, where we have "family" that is supportive and caring. Keep posting and let us know how things are going. Hugs to you, Shell

Lea, Yep, same thing happened to me. Long story short, she didn't bother to call me for two and a half years after learning my dad had died. By the time she finally called, my mom had passed away too. What she basically wanted to know was if I would be up to seeing her (meaning taking her out to dinner...my treat, of course, since that's what I've always done! She lives in another state and would visit every year, until her folks moved away) and when I told her I didn't feel we were friends anymore because she hadn't called me in two and a half years to see how I was doing, she had the nerve to get indignant and righteous about it. Well, I told her "no, I don't care to see you when you come to town". You will definitely find out who your TRUE friends are and I'm afraid it might not be many. But, I have made new friends that I didn't know I had....people who I knew, but who showed they really cared about my losses. I will be forever grateful to them and always a friend. It hurts, but we don't need the fair-weather friends at all. Hugs, Shell

Cindi, I am so sorry for your losses. I have lost both my parents in the past two and a half years and it is the most painful thing I have been through. Lori gave you great advice. I'm sorry, too, that your husband is being so unsupportive. Many of the posters here have had that same problem with husbands and other members of the family. Just know that you have to grieve and if nobody likes it, too bad. Take as much time as you need, seek out a support group in your town if you can and continue to come here and get your feelings out. Hugs, Shell

Sandralb, I'm 54 and feel like a little girl who lost her parents! Age definitely has nothing to do with it, other than the fact that we got to spend more time with our parents than someone who lost them when they were in their teens or twenties. I guess that's one thing we can be grateful about. And yes, I feel like I'm "lost in space" a lot of the time! A good way of describing it. Helping others is absolutely a really healing thing. That's a great first step! Sometimes we forget that others are mourning too, or just need someone to be there for them, just like we do. That's great that you are thinking of her good friend. Just the fact that you are thinking about this makes me know that you will be ok, you will get through this. Hugs, Shell

Drew and Rosanne, My thing is why are there so many mean, nasty, or just crazy people still around...why couldn't they die instead of wonderful people like our moms? My moms sister, who is only a year younger and a selfish, crazy person, is still alive and kicking...why couldn't it have been her and not my mom? I guess we'll never understand lifes "mysteries"! Frustrating. Hugs, Shell

I still think, "Oh, mom would have loved this!" when I'm in stores or watching a tv program. It takes a long, long time to get over feeling like they are "coming back", so to speak. I still can't throw out a lot of things of my moms, like I still think she might need them...crazy! But normal. I talk to her all the time, asking her what she thinks about things that are going on in my life. I sure wish she could answer me! It's just not wanting to let her go and that's just a testament of the love we had for them. hugs, Shell

Rosanne, I think you have made greater strides than you realize. I have noticed it and sometimes we can see things in other people that they themselves can't see. The fact that you continue to post here and get your feelings out and help others is a very positive thing. I think you are doing great! And some days are always better than others, and it doesn't mean that we aren't "doing well" if we have bad days, it's just the screwy rollercoaster ride! A big hug, Shell

sandralb, I'm so sorry for your losses and glad you found this site. I took care of both my mom and dad (who died 2 and a half years apart) and I also lost weight, didn't get much sleep, etc. Believe me, I know what you went through and I also feel guilty in the same way. I know I did the best job I could, but I too think I should have done this or that better! Funny, because lately I've been obsessing about it too. I talk myself into believing that I did the best and I'm not going to feel anymore guilt, but then it sneaks back up again. I think it's just that we loved them so much, we'll never feel we did "enough". But we did and all we can do is quit beating ourselves up about it. Your mother did, indeed, give you a wonderful gift by telling you what she did. What a wonderful person she was! Just hang in there and give yourself a break. I "officially" give you permission to not feel guilty for a week! Hopefully that will turn into two weeks, three, etc. You did a wonderful job caring for your mom. Don't count the getting irritable...stuff like that. I did the same thing, but I have to remind myself that I'm only human afterall. I'm not a superhuman, nobody is and we came as close as one can get to it! A big hug and please come back and post more, Shell

Martin, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My father went very quickly too and it was such a shock. It takes a long time to grieve for someone you love that much, so know that you can't rush it. You might do better on an anti-depressant rather than valium, but since I'm not a doctor, that's just an observation. You might ask your doctor about it. I'm sorry your husband seems to think you should just "snap out of it", but I'm afraid a lot of people feel that way. They just don't understand what you're going through. You have to give yourself time to come to grips with this and deal with all your emotions, which, by the way, are perfectly normal. We've all been where you are, so know that you are not alone in what you are going through. The only thing I could console myself with was that because my dad went so quickly, he didn't have to suffer anymore. My mom had dementia and broke her hip and finally got a form of colitis, which I think was the cause of her death ultimately. It is such a hard road to hoe, this whole grief thing! Just hang in there and face your feelings and cry and eventually you will begin to heal. And coming here is a great step. You can let your feelings out with people who truly know what you are feeling! A big hug to you, Shell

Drew, Like Annie, I was my parents main caregiver and your post brought back so many memories for me too. All I can say is that it is young people like you that bring back my faith that there are some caring ones left! You are an incredible young man and should have a lot of pride in yourself for what you did for your mom. You can always have the peace that you did all you could for her and were there for her until the end. That's very important. It will take you a long time to heal, so be patient with yourself, and just get in touch with all your feelings. Facing them and going with the flow of them will help you heal. A big hug to you, Shell

Wendy, I'm glad someone understands my "theory"! Well, the world needs "bad" girls too, huh? Hugs, Shell

Gamer, I do the same thing, go to stores and see something I know my mom or dad, or others that I've lost, would like and always feel a little sad about it. I just talk to them in my head like they were with me, crazy as that sounds! I'm sure your friend is right there beside you when you're playing, urging you on! Hugs, Shell

Yes, you did...thanks! I'll try to behave myself. I'm afraid I swear too much, a habit I believe I picked up because most of my best friends growing up were guys! Also, I grew up during the hippie era....I don't have a chance...hahahaha! Hugs, Shell

Marty, thanks for tenys website. Teny, Your work is absolutely gorgeous! What an incredible talent you have. Hugs, Shell

HAHAHAHA....sorry guys!!!!! Thanks Wendy! Hugs, Shell

Lori, Wow, that makes sense. I thought how ironic it was that this would happen and was glad I had the experience to know what to expect, but I never connected it to any sign from my mom. But thinking about it now, you are probably right. She always liked Lesa and would feel sorry for her and want to help her (Lesa's had a sad life in many ways). So, she may have wanted this to happen, for many reasons. Thanks for the input! I'd love a manicure and pedicure! Come and see me!!!!!! Hugs, Shell

You did the right thing confronting him...you shouldn't have to put up with such inconsiderate behavior! Funny thing about grief, it makes you not want to put up with BS anymore! Hugs, Shell

Welcome back, William! You were indeed missed. Hang in there....baby steps! Hugs, Shell

Lori, Yep, we're still hanging in there! I appreciate your remark, but I'm almost embarrassed by having everyone think I'm being "saintly" or something! For me, the decision to help my friend was just simple...she's my best friend and she needed help. I'm sure all of you would do the same thing. I think having gone through so much grief, and having friends disappoint me and hearing all of you on the board having the same experiences, strengthened my resolve to be there for her. It makes me feel good that my own grief made me a better person perhaps. At least something good came from it and since my mom had AD it was almost like an added sign that I had to be there for her. Maybe that's one thing we can all hope for, that this terrible grief journey has in some weird way helped us help others. But thanks for the nice compliment! I think we are all doing pretty darn good and should give each other a pat on the back. This site, and all of you wonderful people, have helped me so much, I can't tell you how much! Hugs , Shell

Dear Debbie, I'm so sorry about your recent diagnosis. I can only imagine the fear you are having about this. I also am one who reads everything I can get about any illness, and it does help to know as much as possible. I know that you and your mom will get through this and you both will be in my thoughts. Hang in there, things aren't always as bad as they seem, once the shock wears off. A big hug, Shell

Rosanne, I'm glad you're going to the doctor. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. The whole care-giver role can cause so many physical and emotional problems, but as it is always stressed, you have to take care of yourself, regardless of what's going on. And, PLEASE, don't feel guilty if you have to take some time off from your duties (even if you have to hire a nurse or other helper for a time) to get yourself the rest and relief you need. You can still see your dad for short periods each day, but find some way to get a break. There is no way one person can go on and on and on without it making them sick. I think of you so often and honestly know exactly what you are going through. Good luck with your doctors visit and let us know how it went. Hugs, Shell

Very inspiring, Suzanne. Thanks for posting it! Hugs, Shell

Marty, Thanks!!! I needed that! Hugs, Shell