laurieb

Sending you a hug laurie

Mandi, I ditto all the wonderful comments shared. Gosh I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I wish I could sleep and I envy Mary Lou, I wish I could stay in p'j's all day as I have a hard time slowing down and being in this house alone. It is so very painful to feel him everywhere in our home. My Scott just celebrated 6 months in heaven and there are still so many days that the pain is just unbearable. I have listened to all the other wonderful women share their examples and I listen when I read. I do try to take care of me and try so hard not to feel guilty about everything .. including living... welcome laurie

Nancy husband I join with the rest of wonderful people that welcome you here and share our heart felt sorrow for the loss of your husband. Your relationship with your husband surely sounded so wonderful and blessed. Please know that we are here for you. The kinship, understanding is so wonderful here and we all really mean it when we say we want to be there for you. I have found a griefhsare group in a local church here and the program is invaluable to me. It meets once a week. Look on www.griefshare.org to see if there is one in your community. They also send out daily emails that I have found helpful as well. Please be so kind and gentle to yourself as you go through this journey. They have said that the depth of our love is the depth of our grief because we would never be grieving unless we loved and you obviously had a once in a lifetime wonderful love...cherish that.... God Bless keep writing. laurie

Kay I am sorry to hear of your uncle. Your daughter is just beautiful and how special to have this video. What a beautiful thing to treasure and a great memory. laurie

MichA it is soooo normal... I hope that you are speaking with a grief counselor to help your through this loss. There are some very gifted counselors out there that can really pull stuff out of us and help us through this painful process... at least that has been my experience. You also want to make sure that you take care of yourself physically and don't ignore some physical symptoms. Take care of yourself Laurie

God Bless all of you... why cant we all have a plan and one that will work for all of us? I loved some of the ideas that Kath had. How special and wonderful. I can share that the love and dedication that I have for my (our) boys will force me and help to get out of myself and strive to do what ever I can for them to help them. My heart is still just so raw and broken that nothing in the world can help me look forward to this Holiday. NOTHING! my best friend in the entire world is not here to share the happiest and most spiritual time of the year so I will fake it like I do everything else in life these days. there is no joy..none. I will probably still shop the day after thanksgiving, I will not accept any invitations as I am no company for anyone, I will bake for my boys because they love it but I won't cook dinner and other than a tree, I will not decorate festively because we are all grieving and there is no place for festivities at this time. I wish I could get to the point of finding some laughter ... I look forward to that someday. Today is six months without him and perhaps that is why i am feeling so sad.. I really just want this all to be a bad dream! why can't it? we had everything and now nothing.. thanks laurie

Walt, Very beautiful, thank you laurie

Good morning everyone, I need some help/advice and can't ask anyone else but you all as you have been there and can share your experience strength and perhaps hope with me. I have just packed up all my summer clothes to make room for fall. The holidays are soon going to be upon us and this is my first without my best friend - . Our family was very close and Thanksgiving and Christmas we always such a happy time full of many traditions. We shopped at 4 in the morning the day after thanksgiving, purchased our tree that day, decorated every room in our house.. almost and loved entertaining, cooking and being with our kids. So, now what? I cant stop from crying every time I think about it like a deadline that is coming my way and I cant escape it. I can't imagine taking down one single decoration, cooking one thing or shopping or wrapping. He's not here and that just stinks! I want to do the right thing for my boys but I don't know what that is. I want to go somewhere else but that will make me feel miserable too. Can you share what you did the first major holiday without your loves? Do I make thinks like they were last year with the tree and all the trimmings? fake it..for the boys? run? thanks for your help, I am feeling a lot of stress about this. laurie

Joanne, I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend, your mom and for the strain that your sons medical treatments have been on you. I have lost my husband 6 months ago and my grandma almost 2 weeks ago and I too am catholic. My faith has grown since undergoing all my loss lately. I know there is so much that I don't understand, and more pain than I can humanly voice but in all this I believe that my grandma...(who I was so very close to and loved dearly) and my husband are in a better place and at peace. This has taken me some time though so please give yourself that time. You are in shock and pain right now and you need to be kind to yourself. I have gone to a grief share support group and it is a faith based program that has been invaluable to me. My son is also struggling with his faith as he feels that God has let him down and deserted him by taking his beloved dad. He said to me "how can you love God when he took your husband and your grandma?" I can only hope that my faith with prove to be an example for him .... in time. Please continue to write as we all want to be here for you. The people on this forum have kept me going through days and nights that were far to long and far to painful. Hugs, Laurie

Valley what a blessing, thank you for your post. I don't know where the 5 months have gone but as we head into fall I realize that I missed my Scott for an entire summer... time keeps moving and seasons are coming and going and we are .. making it. I just cried reading your post... thank you for that. Every single phone call to each other ...every single one... we always said.. "I Love You" we always held hands everywhere and no one could hug better and more completely than Scott for me. My faith has allowed me to feel and believe that he is at peace, happy and with all our family members that have gone before him. I still feel his presence guiding us and there is some brief healing with joy in my boys (which I am so happy for) I too am the serious one and it is a struggle for me lighten up when I have such a heavy heart... but I am trying. My boys deserve that. One day at a time.. and with help of family and friends, we are all making it .. thank you again for your post laurie

Lucia Gosh, I would be concerned too. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers and we too will be with you... Make sure you let us all know how you are... laurie

Dee Like so many others, this is such a personal thing. You just need to take care of yourself. Scott died on saturday, we buried him on wednesday and I went back to work that monday. I am not and will never be the same but I needed to take care of my family as I hold my children's insurance. I did however, start out part time. When I felt like the walls were coming in on me, I left. It has been 5 months and I am just now able to stay for long periods. I do have the ability to work from home and have even gone in on weekends so not every one has that blessing. No one but you can make that decision for you. If your work is a blessing, than go, if it is too much too soon then postpone your return, if you receive blessings from your job and it is ok, then go. We all know that we can be in a crowd of people and feel lonely so this process is long and tough and we have to be kind to ourselves. This is how I honor my husband, he would want me to be kind to me like he was. God I miss him and love him. God bless in your decision laurie

Please accept my profound sorrow for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. laurie

i am so sorry for the loss of your dad. How horrible to loss him that way. I lost my dad when I was 21 and he too wasn't the best dad. He actually traveled all over the world for his job, left us to marry someone else and when he died unexpectedly in new mexico while on a business trip at 43, I was upset but not crushed. It took me a long time to deal with it because of the history that he created. Please give yourself some time, talk to people, get a grief counselor (if you can) and don't brush it under the rug...so to speak... It will, and does come back .. even if it is years down the road, trust me! I hope you have a faith and that your family is doing ok too. Take it slow and be kind to yourself. Please accept my sincerest apologies for your horrible loss and I hope you keep writing. laurie

I just returned from traveling back home (up north) to attend my grandmothers funeral. She was one of my all time favorite people. She was "the closest thing to a living saint that I knew" She was 97 and had a wonderful life, thanks to the dedication of my mother and the support of all of us. I had to leave my children here as it was too much for them to attend so soon after their dad's passing. What I did not expect was all the condolences for me! Scott and I were from, and lived many many years where my grandma did and all those that could not attend his funeral were at my grandmothers with hugs and warm wishes.. Gosh it was so hard. I was there for my mom, to help her through this and I just was taken back. At one point it felt like I was at Sott's funeral again. Holy God it was so hard. If one more person says how wonderful I look, I will loose it!! Don't they get it!! as if that is suppose to make you feel better... you look good for who? as if it matters!! CRAP! I feel as if I have just had my surgery from my broken heart torn again. and now it is raw.. I am back home, to loneliness, solitude and wanting to run, and keep running from the pain again. This stinks! I fall asleep at 6 and don't wake up until 1am.. like that is normal. I can share that I do have a better understanding of Scott and my grandma being at peace. I believe that. I am not leaving Scott behind but in front of me as we will meet again. In God's time. I look forward to feeling peace... Laurie

Fredzgirl I find it amaing that you can even open mail! be kind to yourself. This is a rollercoaster that we all wish we could get the HELL off!! I want to wake up to Scott and my life back. I want to stop feeling like this 500lb suite of grief that I carry around every second of everyday is off me! I want to stop feeling like my daily activities is like climbing mount rushmore!!! Your grief is so fresh and new and you are doing such amazing things already. I just found a lady that makes bears out of old clothing of our loved one and I am going to do that for my boys. My husband has been gone for 23 weeks and his favorite soup is still in the cabinet, his powered creamer is right next to the coffee, and his toothbrush still in the draw in the bathroom...not yet for me... I can clean, take care of this big house, work full time, take care of my boys and our cars but there are some things I just cant do yet and I have heard on this site that, that is ok!! thank you for sharing, you share so much of all our feelings. laurie

lost luv I have to agree with marsha, I question any one sharing a deadline on "how long it takes" to a woman suffering like you.. hmmm...it amazes me how people can get away with that stuff and then say..pay me!! I too believe your stepson will seek you out so take comfort in that. you were a mom and still are even if he is not there right now. You have had incredible losses!!!!!, and there are some great books and websites, ..this is the best however. www.griefshare.org has some daily emails for the first 100 days of grief and I love to read them. If you belong to a church, try to see if they can come to you, I have also started getting a massage at massage envy and it is so helpful with stress and sleep. I sometimes walk the mall by myself and look around as I don't have to think. There is such comfort in the support of others that go through it. Try to find a support group near you. You are not alone. We love to hear from you and are praying for you even when you don't post laurie

not coping- I am so sorry that you are having some painful days. We are in a special club that no body wants to be a member of. I find that my friends here and at my griefshare support group are the only people who "get it" Please be kind to yourself. time doesn't heal, God does. We will never "get over this in time" like so many share. I am not leaving my husband behind me and moving on, he has moved in front of me and I am growing each day "spiritually" to understand that he is in the perfect place, free from pain, happy, at peace and I take some comfort in that. Humanly, God, it is hard and so very lonely as he was my best best friend. Without a faith and belief, this entire process is just unbearable. My Grandmother is not expected to make it through the weekend and it is bringing back all that pain like a knife that is making a fresh cut in my heart and soul. So I can understand and relate to your feelings after loosing your grandfather. There are times when I can make it a minute at a time and then there are days that I am ok for several hours. If you have a friend that can come sit with you and help you or have tea together, call and ask. There are some that just don't get it but I hope you have one that you can be yourself with. If not, have tea with us and write. We are all here for you!! in more ways that you realize lostluv - I does not get better in that short amount of time... it is a hard and a difficult process however the journey can be paved with blessings. We are human and we feel pain even if our loved ones no longer do. You are not only grieving your husband but all your dreams for the future, you present life today and you need to be kind to you!! I hope you have at least one good friend/family member that you can call to be with you. Don't think about tomorrow or months from now, leave that to God, just take it today and do the best you can and please come back and keep us posted. Please know that I take such comfort in all the posts of those that have shared on this site for many many months and years after the loss of their loved one and they have survived...One day at a time. when I am in such pain i repeat..... I can't, HE can and I'm going to let him!

What an amazing tribute from an obviously amazing person about a great man! laurie

thank you all. I've been crying so hard I can barely see the screen. Until I read all your posts, I didn't realize how hard I was on myself. I keep putting more on myself and increasing the expectations as the weeks move on... "I should be able to do this at 15 weeks after his death", "I should be able to do ___ at 20 weeks". It is almost like I am placing myself on some sort of deadline to be whole again, to be able to function like I use to and to be able to take all Scott did around here and do his stuff too. I mowed 4 acres, painted, put a floor down, laundry, played w/ my dogs, changed beds, cleaned and got my nails done. This doesn't include all the calls with my family trying to give them direction and help in making decision for my gram... i am just shot! physically and emotionally. Boo, it never, ever dawned on me not to fly up and be with my mother after my grandmothers passing. I have already purchased her dress she will be buried in and sent it home. My mom is falling apart and I am the oldest, so I need to be there. My boys will not be attending as it is too much but I now have to rely on friends to have my son stay with while I am gone. I keep saying there is nothing I cant handle but I fear my cup is getting a bit full. I need to slow down and pray. Ask God for strength and guidance that I might do the right thing for myself and my boys...and my mom and family. Deborah, I feel the same guilt with my dogs and it is so hard. They just look at you and I just know they miss him and wish I could do more. I too am married and always will be until I die. Our love was a once in a life time and I am ok with that. I have my boys and someday, God willing I will have grand babies to spoil but I will always be married to and love Scott. Perhaps it is too soon for hospice but I will pray. I believe that much of our healing is in giving back. I do not know where I am suppose to be but I do want to help.. some how. thank you again, I know I don't know you all but I really have a special place in my heart for all of you love laurie

It has been 23 weeks since my world suddenly changed forever with the loss of my husband. We were together 22 years and have two wonderful boys. I read in a post about being on a roller coaster and that is exactly what this process is. and...I have hated roller coasters all my life and hate this one called life too. So many of you, miraculously have shared a love similar in depth to ours and that is what keeps me coming back here. We all tend to think that we are so different and unique as so many times when Scott and I we were out and about in public places you see so many couples not "really" together. They don't talk to one another, hold hands, care about each other or show common manners towards each other. You all get it!! I guess that is why we all seek this website and other books, classes and support groups out because it was so special to us and so wonderful and the pain so great that we want and seek peace. My grandmother is critically ill in a nursing home. She is 97 and the closest thing to a living saint that I know. I just adore her and we have always been so very close. She has stopped eating and drinking and it can be anytime. I keep saying God never gives me more than I can handle... but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the sadness. I justify it in my head that she is going HOME and she deserves to be with God and Scott and my Dad but I will so miss her. My son has left for college and our youngest will be spending his last year home as he is a senior in high school. All this change and I'm and just "walking" it because I have to but I am just hating it and want it to stop. I want my husband back, I want my grandma to be ok and stay with us, I want my heart to stop braking and being in the pain that I am in all the time. I feel like I was doing better and now this roller coaster is just taking me for a loop. I'm tired, this house is too big, with too much to do, too much responsibility at work and too much to do outside and have 2 dogs!!... I know I can ask for help and I have but it is all my responsibility to even do that and I'm just tired of not having a partner help me and ... this will never get better.. never... I need a total knee replacement after having 5 knee surgeries following a skating accident 30 years ago and I don't even have anyone to help me following the surgery. I hate going to the doctor and having to write my next of kin as my son.. that just sucks!! it should be Scott! I am stronger than I was at 4 months after he went to be with God but this pain never stops. I am thinking of volunteering for Hospice as perhaps if I get out of myself and try to care for others much more in need than I I am sorry for rambling..just feeling a bit overwhelmed with all everything today.. I will continue to pray just a tough time. thanks to all of you for being there in your posts Laurie

Deborah, Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration and I hope you continue to post your journey. Laurie

Joanna, WOW! I am so sorry for your loss and what a horrific series of events. Not only how you lost him but of how you found out. To have lost someone so special and important to you and not to be there to find out or be involved in the services must have been so hard. I hope that during these few months you have been included in sharing some of your memories with his family. Your story reminds me of a movie Nights of Rhodanti (sp) something very very similar. My husband died a few weeks before (3/14/09) your Denny, he was also 49 and died of an aortic dissection. He too, was just solid, worked on our property, loved being outside, loved BBQ's, loved me and our boys and would never stop either! The similarities are just so remarkable. God has a few special, strong loving and giving angels up there! I hope you continue to come back and share with us as you are not alone and we can all be there for one another. Married or not, you lost your soul mate and the love of your life and we will be there for you. Hugs, Laurie

Fredzgirl Thank you for your post. I was just sitting here thinking I should be further along in this process. It has been almost 5 months and I just feel so unbelievably sad, and lost. I am so functioning on the outside but have not handled other things well at all. I have not even cleaned out Scott's draw in the bathroom, his nightstand, his closet.. I can't even think about it without falling to pieces Gosh, if tears are healing I should be healed of everything! I look forward to the blessings of loosing a loved one, are there any??? All I see and feel is all the negative results. I just wish someone would share just how long it is before we smile , truly smile - on the inside, not that fake smile that we all do so well. Is there ever really true happiness after this loss when you worked so long on your marriage? When you shared how much you miss him and just want him home, I just said the same thing tonight as I sat in his chair in my house all alone. There have been days where I am so busy that I forget to eat a meal, push myself too hard and don't slow down and rest, actually get a headache and then realize I haven't had any coffee in 3-4 days all because Scott was my best friend, he cared for me and most of all I hate not having him here so I can care, love and do for him. I miss just making him happy, giving to him, seeing his face when I come home, I miss my phone calls from him ending with I love you... God these are some tough times, its just oppressing! I am so grateful that I am not alone and that so many of you are feeling the same way following the loss of a great love like I had. Thank you for capturing my thoughts, feelings and many times words. laurie

Boo, I am relatively new to this forum and each time I read your posts, you provide so much insight for me and sound so very strong. I have gained so much from you and look forward to your insight. I have had some similar situations at work with those that feel that can (knowing my situation) take advantage of me or not have to respect me and my decisions... "because I am weak, going through a difficult time or...whatever they are saying" I feel so hurt and angry. Scott's death has given me a clearer vision..I think maybe I had more patience before, maybe let things slide before, I know longer do.. so, I have in fact changed and perhaps those friends (I use that term loosely) are not and never were friends... It was just that you were in such a good place with your husband that the two of you ...together...just gave and never realized that those around you were just so willing to take!!! Scott and I did that also and I am very guarded now as Scott would be horrified to see people take from me knowing how I am hurting. I would assume that your Cliff would feel the same way. There are good people out there that care greatly for you and the pain you are in but those that want to just take can take from someone else... laurie