laurieb

Mary Linda that's it!!!!!! as i sit here home from work today not feeling well and so sad. I miss my scott so very much 7 Months ago today I was with him alive. Gosh this just stinks!! I know I'm being selfish but I want a hug so bad and want it to last the rest of my life... Dear God when does the pain end?? Laurie

JRM I too would encourage you to journal. I have had similar dreams that felt so very real to me and I awoke at 4am and wrote down everything. It keeps it real for me....privately. I hope you treasure these times, it is a true blessing. Thank you for sharing Laurie

Kay, You have such a right to share the good and bad with us. It was so nice to see that we can heal and still have some sad days. We will never be the same, birthdays, anniversaries will all never be the same with out our true loves. Even though you have found happiness with all you've have been through, it is a lot for anyone. Please accept all our hugs for continued good days and a very speedy recovery. Thank you for all your good and wonderful posts and thank you for this one too. God Bless and Happy Birthday Laurie

I too have had parts of days where I feel a smile and warmth in my heart. I agree that I have some set backs like last night at the movies with my girlfreind when an aquaintance friend of scotts came up to share his condolences, I just cried when I got into the movies. some days are hard but I can now see the sunshine and moonlight! I could not do that a few months ago. I am not alone and will continue on in my journey until I can find out who the new me is and be ok... One day at a time. Laurie

Korina I believe! perhaps this is the only place we can share this but we can because it is safe here and real. and there isn't anyone out there that would understand until you suffer this kind of loss. laurie

Hi my Virginia and NC friends, I too often think of this and join you both in the fact that we NEVER got off the phone or left one another without a heartfelt I love you. I believe in my heart that he is at peace and happy. My journey is to find that peace and serenity here with out him. My chore ever day is to realize that he wants me happy and at peace and that he is here with me in spirit. Our love transends life and even though he will not be here to share many physical things with me, a cup of coffee, a walk, dinner, a hug, he is there to pray to to, feel in other ways and to one day be reunited.. In Gods time. This is so hard to write and somedays even harder to believe as my heart is still broken but faith is believing in something when common sense says otherwise. thank you for your post and for keeping me on my journey laurie

Hi Everyone, I have been sick, which is the firs time since Scott passed away 6 months ago. I was unable to wake our son up for school and feed the dogs. When I awoke to our son getting ready, I asked him. Who woke you up? I thought he would be late for school or even have to stay home.... (of course he should be waking up on his own..but that is an entire different subject ) Our son replied "dad did" Scott woke our son up every morning as I work early.. when he wouldn't get up after 2x he would go out and feed our horse and then bang on the his window from outside, that would get him up.. That morning when I was sick, a bird flew into his window at the exact time he needed to get up!!! so he heard the same bang that Scott used to do.. It was almost like Scott taking care of me while I sleep and loving and taking care of Brock for school, like he always use to.. I absolutely believe that his was no coincidence and believe they are watching out for us. The same time I was dreaming of him and my gram who just passed away one month ago... Has these experiences happened to anyone else? laurie

I have yet to clean out clothes. we have two adult boys who want most of them and I just can't bring myself to do that. I have changed his man's room and gave our boys his furniture and tv to make room for another spare bedroom for company and that was hard but Scott would have wanted to boys to have that stuff and for us to look forward... as so very hard as that is... I can no smell his cologne as it nearly drops me to my knees but I am better at 6 months after his passing than I was at 3,4, and 5 months. Time doesn't heal, God does and I just keep praying. I do feel Scotts presence every once in a while. laurie

Jo God Bless and please know that you ARE in prayers and thoughts and you are NOT alone.... even if you feel it physically. you have touched many peoples lives far away and put a great deal in perspective... I admire your strength, determination and desire for recovery physically and emotionally. Laurie

Ted, please give yourself some time.. this is very difficult and the saying..." when you don't know what to do .. don't do anything".. or... "doing nothing sometimes is doing something".. sounds crazy but you will know and feel when it is time. there are so many things that you are dealing with and you need to be gentle with yourself. drink lots of water and take it slow and easy. just breathing can be a chore when you are in that pain. take it a minute at a time.. time is what we have.. unfortunately, but we do.... journal, getting massages, taking walks.. (sometimes through the mall) watching sitcoms on tv to change the mood or painful thoughts .. even if it is briefly.. sometimes we have to "move a muscle and change a thought" because, I like, Korina, have times when the walls are coming in on me and I miss Scott so very much. I just can't believe he isn't here.. God I love him. I don't feel well and this is the first time since he has been gone that i just realize that there really isn't anyone here to care that I don't feel well. it stinks!! I want him back so bad... take care laurie

Hi Kimi Gosh I am so sorry, I could almost feel your pain in your post.. we all can. grief is love. and the more we loved, the more grief we are going through.. At six months I still have moments that I cry so hard that I can bearly breath... how can one spend 26 years loving someone and have 4 or 6 months alone and just be OK.. its just not possible and I'm over pretending.. I do the best I can but allow myself to have those moments... that is the biggest revelation for me. I didn't feel like I deserved it. the rest of the world.. my friends, co-workers and family thought I should be over it so I guess I should have... NO! He was and is the love of my life and the process is long and very very hard. I have not come out on the other side yet. Sunglasses are a blessing... I have several books on my nightstand and I journal regularly. Widow to widow has been a great book for me. and I attend a grief share support group at our church weekly.. www.griefshare.org to see if there is a group in your area. keep writing ... hugs laurie

Korina you sound wonderful and after being in the program for over 20 years ..we never graduate.. we have only one day at a time and my addiction is to other people, places and things. like the alcoholic was addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. it is a family disease and it is all around us weather it is in our immediate families or not. Ted, please don't feel guilty. It will not help bring her back and it is ok!! you did not know and even if you did understand the disease doesn't make their behavior to themselves or their loved ones any easier to accept. My husband was in recovery for over 10 years prior to his death in march from an aortic dissection. We actually went to meetings together as both his parents were alcoholics and we wanted so much to help our boys with the knowledge and choice not to drink as it is definately hereditary. He was so horrible and mean when he was active and such a wonderful, kind loving person when he was sober. They are just so hard to love when they are under the influence and we can't feel bad about that. I once had a sponsor tell me that God has a special love for children and alcoholics and when scott was active.. that helped me. GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! God bless Laurie

jrm Gosh how horrible - so many issues to deal with and the pain you are in. I am so very sorry. This forum has been invaluable to so many of us and I hope you continue to write and read as it will help you. God Bless Laurie

Kay I am so happy for you and the peace you have worked so hard to achieve and the happiness you have earned! congratulations on your wedding plans. I pray you have a lifetime of happiness. Thank you for all you have done on this forum God bless laurie

Korina I couldn't have written it better...thanks! I still go every week and it continues to help me. laurie

please feel free to email or call me when you are ready.... I've been there and it is so painful... it does help but you have to be ready.. like this forum and support. we all reached out when we were ready and not before laurie

your story sounds so much like the love my parents had for one another. they too were divorced, he had moved on but my mom always loved him and he always loved her they were together from age 13 and we received a call that he had died while on a business trip in Mexico. My mom grieved like it were her husband and the love of her life. I hope you find a safe place to share your grief and your words as this will be part of your healing. we do have the capacity to love again. God willing. but it will never be the same and for that you need to grief. As an adult child watching my mom go through the same thing, I completely understand your feelings. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you continue to share. Laurie

Ted, my heart goes out to you, I hope you can find alanon and get some help with knowing the difficulties of alcoholism and how powerless you really were and are. My dad died of the disease as well and the guilt is hard. It is truly a cunning, baffling, disease and that support group was invaluable to me with my understanding. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you continue to share.. we are all here for you laurie

Deborah, I too have reluctantly reached six months and I too also feel like I have taken some steps back. I feel like I have been in a fog for the last 6 months.. where did summer go? I am now feeling my loneliness and realizing that my future is .. well lonely without my best friend. I was just surviving for the last 6 months and now .. to try to focus on living and moving on it just painful. I find myself crying more and God knows it is so hard. I don't know who I am without him, what God has in store for me? how to go out and try... when I don't want to!!! this isn't how it was suppose to be. I am trying to be gentle with myself and not push myself too hard. I get a massage with helps with stress, i "move a muscle and change and thought" so that I don't allow myself to dwell on what I don't have, and I try to reach out to help others when I can My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel laurie

Mary, I belong to a grief share support group, which is a class and held at church and there is a women in there that lost her husband to suicide and.. she too has shared some of the same feelings you did. The response of the group is that it is an illness and your husband was in pain.. you did not know or you would have helped him. All our journeys are different and there are many that know that something is wrong and refuse medical care ... well if they knew shouldn't they do everything they can do get better for their loved ones? and many times they refuse or ignore it. My heart goes out to you and I hope you know that he was sick, love you very much and that you find peace as you go through this terrible time. My husband celebrated his six months in heaven too and it is a very difficult lonely journey which I take one day at a time. hugs laurie

Susie I too join in sharing my condolences to you. This is such a difficult time as you are in such shock. It sounded like you had a wonderful life together full of fond memories. I lost my husband in a shocking way too and it does take some time to get through. There wasn't any goodbye's and although I wouldn't trade it for those who have had to watch the love of their lives suffer in pain... it is just too hard and unfair all around. I hope you can take all the time you need and that you reach out to others like all of us on this forum to be there for you and keep writing. It was, and is, a great source of comfort to me. I would journal every night to Scott and I received some peace from that. Sending hugs and prayers to you Laurie

thank you. it has been a very long tough day and your post was a blessing laurie

Lisa Your post was truly touching and helped me very much. Thank you. I think your right. the anticipatory thoughts are so horrible right now. The boys and I are going to sit and talk to see where we are all at and what will suite us. We don't have any family around us at all. I didn't realize until your post that it is probably the series of dates that start with November that are all hitting me. November is our sons 18th birthday, then thanksgiving, then christmas, new years, his birthday, our anniversary....yuck! where is the hole that I can hid my head in? thank you Laurie

Kath, your post made me smile. My scott was a chiropractor and we have an actual table in our bedroom and he worked and helped all of us and now...nothing. I still can't take it down but I have had regular massages so that I can try to keep myself whole.. and they help so very much laurie

Boo It was so beautiful and so heartfelt. You have many gifts and one of them was the blessing of your marriage to such a wonderful man. Thank you for sharing that with us laurie