laurieb

Shelly What a wonderful relationship you had. I too wonder when? I have come to understand that this emptiness, sadness that I carry will be there for a very long time and perhaps forever ... It is just a part of me. what has changed in 4 months is that I can function and am facing things alone that I NEVER thought I would without Scott. Everything is with thought and takes energy where before it just was... so I'm still climbing the mountain of life and I can share how grateful I am to hear others like you who had such wonderful relationships and know that we are not alone. No one in the outside world knows that it feels like but the others in the forum. I journal several times a week and it is to Scott, it is my way of still communicating and after I do, it brings smiles at times and tears at others. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you come back and share with us. laurie

I am so very sorry for your loss......I am relatively new here however there is a tremendous amount of support and I hope you keep coming back to share. I will be here praying for you as you go through these next few days. I too have found a grief counselor and it has helped a lot so I hope it does you. Please accept my sincerest condolences for the loss of your wife. Take it slow, keep in in today, and know where here for you laurie

Mary you and your daughter will be in my prayers. Welcome and we hope you stay and share your story. We all learn from each other and although it has only been 4 months for me I admire the strength you are sharing. I hope I heal and mature to your level of understanding, and peace. laurie

Valley, Just when I think that Scott and I were the only perfect couple - shared everything together, enjoyed each other immensely and lived for our boys ... I could just smile after an argument when he would sheepishly come to me and say "are you better" and I would just laugh..because of course he knew HE was in the wrong but it never mattered. we never went anywhere with out holding hands, talked all the time until we fell asleep most nights, would walk me out to my car everymorning with a cup of coffee, a bottle of water and tell me how beautiful I was, that he loved me and to have a great day. He would even clean my car before I left for work..at 6:30am...who does that if it isn't love. I couldn't wait to do for him, make his favorite dinner, see a movie with him even if it was too violent for me... Before he died, we made our 4th bedroom his "man's room" I bought him a flat screen, leather recliner and decorated it...manly so he could watch his sports, 24, the unit and all his shows. I loved doing for him and he for me...I too will never ever find that soulmate again and I don't ever want to "grief is love" they say because we all would not be feeling this bad if we didn't love this great!! I take comfort in that because I did allow myself to love that great for 26 wonderful years. We are not phonies, we are on a journey and daily that journey changes... I have absolutely no idea who I am without him... I am unbelievably lonely in my heart and soul.. and I am scared of being completely alone in my home when our youngest son graduate highschool this year and leaves for college. Oh my gosh..where do I go, where is my home... it is and was always with Scott and now no place feels that warmth and security.. no place!! I am living one day at a time and some days that is hard. I know that scott still loves me and is still guiding and supporting our family. I make a conscious decision everyday to try to make it a good day..that is what Scott would want for me... it doesn't mend my broken heart, it doest fill the whole of lonelyness and sorrow but it does get me through the day.. I trust those that have had a longer time than I (he died 4 months ago) that this immense --hard to breath pain will ease with time..my love will never ease with time... I am as committed to my love and best friend until the end of time... thank you for allowing me to feel and share these feelings... you are not alone and we are not phonies...where would we all be if we just wrote down how great we all were all the time or how bad we were ALL the time.. we are real and things are up and down for us Laurie

Jo I am so very sorry for your sad news today. All our prayers are not in vane, so don't you give up and please don't leave us. You can find other support groups as some of us have but I have yet to find one that has all this genuine love, support, prayers and strength in it. Things are happening to and for you and I pray God gives you all the strength you need to go through the research and absorb your next steps. It is quite a powerless feeling wanting to help more and being so many thousands of miles away.. I don't understand, why someone so wonderful going through such a painful time has to be handed this battle. I am so truly sorry and I will not give up praying for you every day... and you have all our support in any way we can. You Are Not Alone... Laurie

Jo, I just sat here crying reading your story. Thank you for sharing it. It is the most painful thing that we all can go through and you are going through your own journey. You have a right to your anger and I hope you continue to write as you help so many of us that are struggling feeling that we are not allowed to be angry and certainly not allowed to voice it. You seem to me to be very clear headed and having a sad day...you're entitled! My prayer for you is that tomorrow will be brighter and filled with good news. So many of us have all those wonderful dreams that have been shattered. Please just take it a minute at a time. The future will take care of itself. We have today..that is it and there are some days..on the weekends..that I have to get through the morning, then the after noon and then the evening... be kind and gentle to yourself and please be patient with yourself.... I am sure your daughter knows what you are going through, loves you but just doesn't know what to say or do. I have found that will all my family members all my friends there isn't anyone on the planet that undesrtands except other women that have lost their loved one too... it is just a bond and I don't feel so crazy reading the forum... there are certain cycles we are going through and as much as it is so individual as was our love for our husbands it is also very similar...if that makes sense.. again, I am so sorry and know that I am praying for you and thinking of you often... laurie

its 10:51 pm and I made it through..I actually had a wonderful day with my boys.. we started with them taking me out for lunch and we have spent the entire day together... they gave me the most touching gifts that were simple and so very sentimental... just what us mom's like. I was praying this morning and realized while the outside world might sympathize with my plight, we each only have the day we are in and I want to make a conscious decision to have the best that I could. I still cried, still missed my husband and having him get me a cup of coffee this morning with a gentle kiss and happy birthday wish but each day is a new day and I am determined to try to make it the best that I can. I received flowers delivered, texts, calls, gifts on my doorstep, and two of the best boys in the world and ...for today I am at peace. and I thank you all for your support. We are all still on this rollercoster called life but I am starting to see some brief periods of "light"..and, above all Scott would want me to ahve a good day..and I'm sure he played a large part in this.

Tuesday was 4 months without Scott, Today I found out that I have to put my puppy (14 years old) down on Monday and tomorrow is my birthday.. Life sucks today.. I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself..but it is hard. There are so many people here that have it so much more difficult than I but I am just lonely and I can't believe that the only unconditional love that I have in my life is from my dog and I have to say good bye to her too now.. how cruel is this! My friend said it is that scott wants angel up in heaven with him... Last year for my birthday we went to dinner as a family at the ocean front and then walked along the beach and took great pictures with our boys and this year is just so painful.. I just don't want tomorrow to come, I don't want monday to come and I don't want to have to go to the vet by myself and God I'm so mad I'm alone... laurie

Talia your perfect angle is simply beautiful... I am sure that your husband is there with all of you in spirit guiding and loving all of you. I can't imagine how very difficult this is. I wish I could give you some support but I can send prayers daily for your family and hugs from Virginia. Please keep in touch with us. I really look forward to logging on and hearing from you as we are all thinking about you. Laurie

I am so happy for you and the warmth and love Shadow has put back into your life and heart.... what a gift....thankyou for sharing it will all of us.. laurie

you are my smile for today... that puppy is already yours!!!! thank you and I will say my prayers laurie

Jo, I am so sorry you haven't gotten the results yet. It does still mean that there is hope! This is such a horrific time for you. You have many friends here and many people are praying for you..all over the world!! Please hang in there. you have every right to be angry!! anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. Have faith and keep writing.. we are all checking in with you and looking forward to your posts.... I can't do much like bring you a dinner and some company from virginia but I can and am sending you a great big hug and many many prayers... laurie

Mark, Welcome to this group that no one want to be a part of. I too have found such comfort and actually look forward to coming home to my empty house and reading the posts at night. I don't feel so alone. Someone else mentioned a support group and I have found griefshare. It meets once a week and is a journey through the grieving process. (they have them all across the country) This program has also helped me so much. www.griefshare.org - they also send me daily emails that are just so nice to get wherever I am in the day... I read, pray, go to a support group, post on this forum, all in hopes that I can try to get through this and somehow come out on the other side. To understand why God has this as my life, to let go of some of my anger and frustration, to try to find my mind some days... (I actually went to get out of the car the other day and forgot to put it in park!!) and I am relatively smart... OMG!!...... I pray every day that I come out on the other side somehow whole again. I am so very sorry for your recent loss. It is so hard just to be able to go back to work and act as if... we are all here for you laurie

thank you all so much..i am so confused on what I want...i am so used to doing what others want and making them happy and scott always centered me or I had someone to talk things over with. I know how important it is for his family to see our boys and I do want to see some of my friends from high school. Mark, my heart goes out to you.. every time I feel sorry for myself, someone else puts things in perspective. I can not imagine moving with my husband, not knowing anyone and then loosing him.. I am going to have a plan B and if we have to leave early..so be it! I can't thank you all enough for your wisdom and experience..I honestly just didn't think of all your ideas.. laurie

I was hoping I can ask some help from the group.. I am planning a trip back home with my boys at the end of July for my 30 year high school reunion (ugh) Scott and I are from the same town and all our family and friends are still there. He practiced there and his office is sill there and am so afraid of completely falling apart when I am flooded with all these faces, memories, first house where we got married etc. that I am seriously thinking of canceling our trip.. I can fall apart going grocery shopping with out him!! One of our boys doesn't want to go at all and the other can't wait. Scott's dad wants us to stay with him and I just can't I would absolutely fall apart so we are staying in a hotel.. My own mother hasn't called to see how I(we) are in a month and I don't really want to see her either... It will be 4 months this tuesday and I don't know if this is all too much too soon or what we need.. I am sounding like I am talking myself right out of this... HELP laurie

Cngratulations and God Bless your entire family... I will be praying for all of you. laurie

you are amazing and I am so inspired by your post, courage, honesty and strength. Please know that there are many of us out there not posting but praying for you and with you through what ever this test shows. laurie

Hi Mary Ann Welcome to this site.. I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband and it was only 4 days after you lost yours. I am feeling some of the same feelings you are. My husband died of an aortic dissection and he was fine that morning. he worked out, fed the horse and was happy and then passed. I have listened to others who have had time to say goodbye and then those like us that didn't have enough time and I guess the pain is very similar. I can share that I know how very much my husband loved me and he knew how much I loved and adored him. The quality of our life is what is sustaining me now in his memory. He is with me in my heart and helping me raise our two boys. It sounds like you have a faith and that will help you too. I hope you can continue to share your feelings with us and we will all be there for you. Perhaps early morning walks with a friend before the heat of the day may be helpful. If you belong to a church perhaps they can help you with rides or some company. Everyday I read the posts so that I can get all the experience strength and hope that I may be able to get through this pain..one day at a time. We will all be your friend.... hugs, laurie

thank you kim, how very kind you are

Sue, I'm sitting here on a rainy sunday all alone and trying not to have the walls come in. I am so sorry for your loss. I have found this website a saving grace. I look forward to coming home to read the posts. I can share that Marsha is so very right.. the second I start to think about my future without Scott I just crumble. I can take it just a minute at a time. and I hope the future will allow me to get through a day at a time. I am praying all the time these days as I can't do this on my own. It helps to know that I am not alone. My prayers and support are with you. Hugs, laurie

Please hang in there and we will all help you get through this Laurie

JR My heart goes out to you. I had such a similar situation with my dad - only he died on a business trip in another country. We received the phone call in the middle of the night and they couldn't even speak english to tell us. It then took me 10 days just to get his body back her from the american consulate...I too had to empty his desk, close out businesses, it was just horrible!! I too went through the guilt you are experiencing and it is so very normal. From listening to you, your dad and mom knew you loved them and he still does! Your dad would not want you to carry all of this..I tried to honor my dad's memory by doing what I felt he would wanted for me and when I did, I felt better and closer to him. I have lost my husband 4 months ago and I am also in the middle of that severe pain you are experiencing. I keep reading on entries that time does help but I can't feel it yet. Please know that you are not alone and we can all help one another. You write when ever you need. There is great literature too, There is a book called widow to widow for your mom and if she or you could get to a griefshare support group.. that has also helped me. I also keep a journal and write, it is painful but I always feel better when I'm done. Try to sign up for they daily emails, they are a bright spot in the day to receive on your computer or phone. We're here for you laurie

Thank you so much to the both of you. I was just returning from a work gathering that I didn't want to be at and having just a horrible time lately . It has been three months and honestly I feel like some days are just so unbelievably hard. I just hate my life, hate that I have to start over, hate that I feel so guilty that my boys are moving on and doing well, hate that I feel needy or week, and most of all hate that I am so alone with out my best friend... I am trying so hard. I pray all the time, joined a griefshare support group, read this site everyday, have three books on grief that I read daily, journal and I still hate my life! and then...I read your comments and ... thank you... I do have a lot to be grateful for and I realize that there are people out there who have it so much worse. Like relationships that were so much longer than our 26 years together, or those that didn't have a close relationship when they were alive, or the lady at my group that buried her son and is now struggling with cancer!!.. Thank you again for allowing me to know that there is going to be days like this and others where I am able to see ... some peace and joy.... and..thank you for writing today. laurie

Kay, you are an inspiration. I sit here with my open wound in my heart still and it is so nice to know that there is a life to look forward to.. I hope and pray that God will bless me like he has blessed you laurie

I would hope that it is because God has special things in store for us. Even through my extreme pain and loneliness, I know I am loved and even though I can't make sense of all this, I pray in time I will. I am here because God wants me here and I will pray everyday for the strength to get through this for Scott, for our boys and hopefully for me. laurie