DoubleJo

Its' an interesting thing. The building up towards those special new days often are harder than the day itself. We think of all the memories and how we feel inside but when the actual day comes it surprises us that its' really just another day. What occurred already happened. It won't happen on that day, or the day after. It makes a time marker that also places a time barrier between a present and a past. Its' hard. Hang in there DoubleJo

Thank you all for all your concerns and prayers, and sharing in my relief. This was a second test the lab/doctor wanted to clarify their concerns. Yes- some good news is welcomed. Now if I could only spread around some of my relief and blessings to make all your lives a little smoother too. Having all your wishes was like having cushions around me, softening any blows. DoubleJo

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me and bracing me so I wouldn't fall. Yay! Dolly Parton is safe for another year ! DoubleJo

Thank you all so much. I was overwhelmed by all your quick replies. I hope to get an answer to my checkup this week. I will let you know how it turns out. Hopefully I will let out a big yell that all is okay. Ustwo- Sorry you have to have this dig in your side. I don't have any family. My dad died 1 year after my first husband died, and my mother died 2 months after my second died. We had no children. So, its' me and my dogs who do give me comfort tho not too much conversation. I'm only just turned 58 so I hope my breasts are just slow starters and anything found means I'm getting bigger. Look out Dolly Parton! Its' the waiting that gets to you. You all made my day- actually, you all made my week. DoubleJo

Well, I found out today that my marriage to my second husband doesn't count in the social security world. I cannot collect my husbands' benefits because you need to be married at least 9 months, and tho we lived together for 3 1/2 years, he died one month after we got married. I was shocked and dismayed. Another loss. Very ironic, too because Curt wanted to marry me right away but I put it off so my old financial business would be completed first. Ah well- another day in the life of this weird world we are all spinning in. I like the "no news is good news " better. Waiting now for a report to see if I have breast cancer. DoubleJo

KayC; I was shocked and pained to read this post. I am glad you found this out now, and can take whatever measures you deem necessary to take care of yourself, rather than much later when things would be even harder to extricate yourself from. There are a lot of bastards out there, but there are also good people. You already knew there were some problems going on here, but confirming your fears is not the way anyone wanted for you. You had the bad luck of the draw before, but we keep walking down our roads, and turning corners. You have many corners to get to, many more chances to be happily surprised by what you may meet. It isn't life that is unfair- it's the people we sadly meet in life that treat us unfairly. Get it out, cry, throw things, whatever you need to do. Then let it go. In the calm that will follow you'll see your choices more clearly. There is nothing wrong with trying to save a marriage. Just don't do it because you feel "embarrassed" or a failure by having several divorces. Lots of people have many divorces now adays. Do what is right for YOU. I wish there was something I could do for you. Your friend, DoubleJo

KayC: My condolences to you and your friend. DoubleJo

Friends: I had to write to you this follow up. Tonight I went with this friend and another widowed friend to bereavement support group. Returning home she said to me, discussing our mutual friend: "I talk with you more than anyone else. I talk with--(our friend), but she always turns the conversation back to herself. I feel frustrated when I open up to her and don't get the time to elaborate on what I'm saying. You always listen to me, even when I go on and on. I don't feel comfortable opening up to people, and other people have their own problems." Did this stop my feeling of frustration? No. But people give what they can give and when they can give it. DoubleJo

KathyG I did read your post and had many experiences with so called families, etc. It was this particular instance that disturbed me, because this particular woman is a widow who has relied on me for support and advice. It was when I expressed sad feelings of my own during the course of our conversation she clammed up. Perhaps it was scary for her to think I also had feelings, since I was helping her out. I don't know. Perhaps it became too much for her. However, considering all the empathy and patience I showed her, her behaviour was unexpected and touched a nerve. Thanks for your input.

Bob: I know what you say about the contractor. I had a man who made deliveries to me. He was a "stranger" yet we talked about his health and family and he would give me a big warm hug each time I saw him. He always asked about whatever we talked about previously. I have found over the years that the situation of being "strangers" frees up people to really be themselves and fully relate. I don't see this woman that often. Maybe 2 or 3 times a month. You're right about masks. As much as I know how people guard themselves, the idea of how well they conceal themselves did not fully enter my mind. It is hard for me to be cynical yet cynical is actually more in line with realty. Ever hopeful I like to think I'm being too hard on people and that they are actually more giving than they are. Having met very caring, kind people who kept me going thru life instilled in me such possibilites. Such stuff as dreams are made...

Karen: That's whats so frustrating and hurts me this time. I thought because she shared so much with me, calls me when she's down, etc, she would be more receptive to listening to me, as a fellow widow. I tried my house of worship and struck out. Everyone was real nice and concerned the first time I met them, but they never thought to call or say hello to me on my returns. It just wasn't the way they were taught to act. As you say, its' the luck of the draw. I don't expect that special close bond we had with our mates, but just some honest recipracation would be nice. I don't have children and my family died along with my husbands over the past few years. So I guess the dog is it for now. Ah well- my anger has turned into tears, maybe thats' a good thing. Its' a release of some sort. Thanks Karen.

Well, I am probably going to regret coming here to vent this, because when I finally think I have a receptive ear I get cut off in the middle of speaking. That can't be done here since I'm writing, but who knows how it can be done. Here it goes; I listen. I listen to widowed friends and married friends tellimg me how, in great detail, they ate their egg that morning instead of their usual toast. How they mowed their lawn, missed their husbands, had a cold, how their throat was still sore. I listen and console them. Then, foolishly I think it might be my turn to finally speak up when they ask how I am, or when we're in the middle of a conversation where I respond to them about themselves. Foolishly I started talking at the end of a meal after listening to a friend repeat herself. I offered how I felt. I thought, foolishly, that I might be able to let go and actually talk for once with her listening. And she did. For about 5 minutes, then her"back hurt." She had to stand up. End of my turn. I am the ever hopeful fool who listens and listens, offers sympathy, advice, all welcomed eagerly. But do I ever get my turn? Either not at all or for a teasing amount of time that lulls me into thinking this is it. I can finally open up about something . Then I get shut off. I am left angry and frustrated, like sex left unfinished. And so I keep all this anger inside me. I am home, feeding my dogs. The birds are glad to see me and the plants outside are blooming. But I have enough frustration just dealing with being without any family left as it is. I don't like being teased and feeling like a fool. I will go back to listening, offering help and I will shut off all my feelings again. But I seeth with angry frustration right now, again. Stupid, stupid me, for thinking I could actually be heard. I have no where to let out my anger. I am disgusted. DoubleJo

KayC: What can I say? This must be so overwhelming for you and your family. Let's hope this is the beginning of the end of all this. I am so sorry. And- How is John? Perhaps I missed your news. Did he get his checkup? DoubleJo

Wendy- How did this person know about me? Whew!! Its' a good thing to know we're all in this together. I'm still laughing and will show this to several friends of mine who will also ask, "How did this person know about me?" Thanks! DoubleJo P.S. Perhaps we should give this work a job title and turn it into a career for adults: " Professional Day Searcher." Then we will feel professional and proud at how well we do this job.

I will be thinking of you- DoubleJo

Deborah: Please don't eat yourself up. My Curt was on the Mayo Clinic transplant list. Getting a new organ is next to impossible for many reasons, three are that they take the neediest person first and this rotates through each state, region and hospital. This means you are so close to death you have little hope of surviving the transplant. Other organs and vascular systems do double duty while waiting and this puts a big strain on them. It is so hard to be fair with the limited number of available organs that this method was devised. Secondly, once you get the transplant, you practically live in the hospital. The amount of drugs and tests constantly done on you takes away most of your life. I know we would accept that gladly, but so often this is for nothing because the patient is already so debililated by then it winds up for nothing. Look at it this way, if you possibly can: Perhaps, just perhaps, you were spared the tribulations of the transplant and with it the possiblity it wouldn't work or last very long. Just perhaps this spared you a worse grief. I realize this is a very hard way to look at this, but how much harder than you are already suffering with? In our times of great troubles we sometimes miss the small graces that come our way. My very best to you- DoubleJo

Teny: I'm so sorry you're getting this big load piled on you, one after the other. It seems that first death starts all kinds of things. Many of us here have had this experience. Try to isolate each thing, one at a time so you don't feel so overwhelmed. My mom died 2 months after my husband, my dad 1 year before. I got confused. I didn't know who to deal with first and really needed to deal with the loss of my husband. I received the advice to separate each, give each their own special time. With your health being the most important thing to you right now, I can only suggest you concentrate on taking things very easy and getting stronger. That will help you deal with it all better. Thinking of you- DoubleJo

Shelley- sounds like they are taking you for granted as the babysitter. Shame they are so oblivious to you as individual. Looks like you'll have to speak up. Nicely, of course, but still be clear. Kim, Lily, et al: You're going thru the "hell time". There doesn't seem to be much you can do about it because the reality that is trying to sink in is too terrible to fully comprehend, let alone accept. The anguish blankets everything. It pervades all thought and actions and rightly so, because your entire world hss been turned crazy and is now disoriented. Its' a period of hell each seems destined to struggle with alone because its the inner turmoil we each have to absorb. People outside ourselves just cannot reach inside us and make it better. We have to struggle to find some way to change this anguish and disbelief over our lives into something comprehensible. No easy task. It is exhausting and our minds fill with so many thoughts it is hard to sort them all out, let alone deal with them. Know that we have some understanding of your situatrion and care. Hang in there. Time takes some of the rough edges off. DoubleJo

Shelley- Why mention it to your family? Make a few phone calls on your own. Wasn't there a counselor who was going to help you by phone? Take care- DoubleJo

KathyG: I guess you prove my point. What is viewed as helpful and caring to one can be viewed differently by another. We can't read peoples' minds to get their intentions and they can't read ours to get our needs at that moment. I guess we just need to rely less on others so the disappointment isn't as great and be happy when someone does come through. My mom used to say: "If you don't expect much, you can't be disappointed." Sadly, she was right. Shelley- You're in a tough spot. Perhaps they think you'd be uncomfortable with them? Do they plan such type of events that you have to be a larger unit to participate? Best to you- DoubleJo

I'm sorry I wasn't being clear. I was referring to people you know only as acquaintences or strangers, and the "married again" statement. It is at these times you find out who your real friends are, sadly. Many people are cold and callous, I know this first hand. Whenever people say call me, etc., my first thought is why? If you care you'd call me. It's a dismissive statement I no longer take seriously, and these people rarely follow through. Very disheartening. It doesn't say much good about alot of people. Take care- DoubleJo

As the closest person to our deceased, we all have been having the strangest time of your lives. Other deaths never prepared us for this one. Most people cannot function, cannot think, cannot understand or control their feelings. There is a desperate search for answers and ending to this once never known anguish. Unless another has experienced the same, can you imagine how unknown the depth of your feelings are to them? We are shocked and sent spinning. That is why so many cannot get the time span of your grief. It DOES disturb them. Like us,they cannot fathom it, and the strong emotions scare them. It is uncomfortable for them. Think of times in your lives when you couldn't take someones' screaming, or crying anymore and they were told to stop it. Once someone close dies there is no amount of compassion and sharing that takes away the frustration and despair we feel. I have heard people complain they wanted to be left alone, "didn't they understand?' Of complaints that they wanted silence, wanted no one around. The people offering their concern can't win. What we all want is for our loved ones to return and that cannot be given by these people. They cannot give you what you want. Yes, there are truly stupid people, some can be idiots. Some are not wellmeaning at all. Some are just downright nasty. What people say and do needs to be seen for what it is intended to be. Take care- this is a terrible time for you. If I said I know how you feel, you might be angry, and say- "no one knows how I feel- how insulting" It is really hard to know what to say. DoubleJo

8 months is barely beginning to comprehend a close death. You will be in mental and emotional turmoil for quite awhile. Regarding what people say to you, there is another perspective to come from. When my first husband died, no one said anything. His family considered him the runt of the litter and ignored him. We owned a business yet the people we knew for years in our center ignored it. I dealt with it and took care of everything alone. When my second husband died I knew different people and his family was very caring. I realized it wasn't what people "said", it was the fact that they said "something". When you're hurting so terribly deeply , anything people say can seem too trivial to compare to your pain, but people say what they can to try and make you feel better; to ACKNOWLEDGE you and your suffering. Its' not what they say necessarily, its that they say something to show they care. If people ignored your deaths would that make you feel better? People sometimes say, "you still have the chance to remarry". What they're saying is: Don't give up. There is hope in the future, that life still gives even though you may not want to take right now. They are not attacking you personally, or diminishing your spouse. On the contrary. They are acknowledging that the ability to have found love once means love exists. A person doesn't have to give up feelings for one to have feelings for another. We love all our children, our parents, our spouses. Our hearts are immense and can break, bend and heal, but it doesn't portion out love in doses that get used up. Most of us here are "young." In out 50's. We could have lost our spouses in our 40s. or 30's. A friend of mine in her late 60's says it is worse for her, having spent 45 years with her spouse. Death is never welcomed at anytime. I think we can be angry at death, but the well-meaning sentiments of friends and strangers should be taken as a remembrance to our loved one, and nothing more. People can be all too aware of death coming to visit them too. Thats' why many are afraid to say anything and avoid the widowed. It scares them. My best to all- DoubleJo

Kathy: Although we can't possibily feel your particular pain, know that we walk with you in your anguish. This is terribly hard. It is not like any other pain. Try to let the pain wash in and out of you with your tears. It will take time for all this to clean your heart and allow you to sleep again at night. It just "is". Someday it will be "was". But ""now" is all you can deal with and feel. Anguish will turn to grief which eventually turns to deep sadness. We have been there and we are with you now. I lost a husband of 27 years, then lost another 4 years later one month after marrying. It is amazing how broken hearts csn expand to keep holding love in. My best- DoubleJo

KathyG: It sneaks up on you. Suddenly these changes happen and you're hardly aware of them. Interesting, isn't it? I'm glad time has brought you forward . Take care- DoubleJo