DoubleJo

KayC; Lin said what I was going to write- How are things going with John? We are concerned for you. DoubleJo

Teny: Its' hard enough getting used to this tragic change in your life and finding new meanings, but when you are sick it takes a heavy toll on you. Don't try and make sense of too much right now. Being so ill is enough to bring you way down, and those rottem feelings just carry over to your other feelings makng them worse. Give yourself a break. There may be no easy answers right now but why should there be? You are going through a painful, confusing time. We think of you. Hang in there and let life float you along wherever you are supposed to be right now. Right now is not tomorrow, tomorrow will be different from today. There is a saying, perhaps this can be of some help: " What I cannot do today I can do tomorrow." My best- DoubleJo

KayC- we're thinking of you and worrying for you- DoubleJo

I just wanted to correct an error. The anti- acid drug is Prilosec, not Prevacid.

KayC: I'm going to approach this from a different point. There may be something you can do meanwhile that may help. I have been having long periods of being so tired I could not function. After eliminating foods and pills, I finally found the culprits. I know how scary and frustrating this can be. This took me many months so maybe this will help you too: (it may not apply at all but its' a possibilty) First, I found that milk and milk products made me terribly fatigued. You know that milk is supposed to make you sleepy for bed, but some people actually feel drugged instead and cannot function. It's a protein in the milk, NOT the lactose. Thats' something else. Milk gave me neck, head and shoulder pain because the protein twisted and inflammed my muscles. It caused me to get phlegmny. My lymph nodes in my neck swelled and swelled my tongue. Second: I was prescribed over the counter Pevacid for ant-acid control. It was fine, for awhile. Now it has made me dizzy/nauseaus. After taking over the counter decongestants to get rid of the dizzy, I found out it was them that was making me dizzy. Just yesterday I read that some cholestorol drugs are causing a lack of good sleep making people very sleepy during the day. I offer this info because sometimes something you're taking, something seemingly very ordinary, can cause big big problems. I hope this gives you some things you can do right now that might help in some way. Hang in there. This stuff is scary and makes your stomach drop to the floor. Hopefully this might give an insight into another reason for his problems. DoubleJo P.S. I loved the picture of the both of you. Its' a great pix. Thanks for letting us see it. DoubleJo

Teny- We want you good and healthy! Please know we are wishing you the very best. DoubleJo

Karen: I'm sorry you have to go thru more of this . You have enough to cope with in your changed life. I hope I can read soon that his situation has been resolved . We're holding you in our arms. DoubleJo

Thanks for arranging this. It was good to meet you guys/gals. Take care- DoubleJo

Unfortunatly this is the only way to do it. You walk into the pain, take care of business, take as much as you can and run out like a too hot shower. Its' tough. The longer you stay away and fight reality the longer the pain stays. I still keep my husbands wallets out on the night table where they last left them. It makes me feel good knowing they were really here. After all, they may not be coming back but they certainly were here. I don't feel I have the right to just erase them. But each time you enter that dark room, accomplish something and come out surviving it, you get stronger and life gets more in focus. It doesn't stop the crying, but eventually it does stop the grief. Hang in there- DoubeJo

Angelwings: Your mind must be in a whirl- this happening so recently. Yes, you'll talk to yourself over and over trying to comprehend and make sense of what you saw and heard. Do take care- all of it is so hard to digest. DoubleJo

Angelwings: I think having the three loved ones close to each other and you like you're doing is a lovely idea. This really is a dream time for you. Let the dreams carry you through some of this, until you can dream about all the wonderful things you had with your family. This is a very hard time to go through. My very best- DoubleJo

Smallblessings: You must be engulfed with anguish. Know that you are not alone even tho we are not right next to you. DoubleJo

Gail: We're with you all the time but especially now. I hope by letting us share your deep hurt it can make your heart a little lighter. Take Care- DoubleJo

Elizabeth: Please do not feel that I'm "judging" you. It is not up to any person to judge another. I am not giving you "tough love." You have to know and love someone to do that. I assume you write on this forum to get feedback and to express your own views. I give you my background for the single reason of having you understand the experiences that shaped how I deal with my options now. Perhaps another perspective, or options to deal with the hurts that came and still come your way would help. Of cause your grandparents deserve to be missed. Who said they weren't? People who died did not stop the existence they had while they were alive. They were here. They touched people. That didn't end when they died. Dying doesn't erase a persons' existence. The goal in living is to be missed by the people we touched. It means good things were done for and to others. How sad to have been with people we either don't miss or are glad they're gone. Hurts can fall at any time. Sometimes they seem to never end. We often wonder if we can push ourselves to the other side. There is no line other than the one we try to cross to get to the other side. I am sorry that I misunderstood your writings as looking for ways to cope or feel better. I thought you were reaching out for support and assistance. Hope things go better for you in the future. DoubleJo

Suzanne: Getting rid of someones' stuff is one of the hardest things to do. It forces us to realize someone is gone. It smacks you right in the face. You don't have to erase the fact that someone was there. You can keep the personal important things as a reminder of his presence. After all, they did exist. Take care- DoubleJo

I find what is said here to be very interesting, because I too get these feelings, which was described so well by everyone. Perhaps we never had to question ourselves as much before. We sort of took "ourselves" for granted. It is confusing to define ourselves when our familiar walls are gone. We've been questioning what we had, where it went, and how do I fit into this new ,foreign situation (after all, we didn't learn and practice "death" in school). On top of this we ARE changing, a lot. All this stuff we face constantly in so many little and big ways is turning us into someone different. We think differently, feel differently about things, and some of those differences are ways we never reacted before. And we keep changing quickly because we have to. It is surreal. I believe Maury has hit on it. We've all become extra overly-aware. It may not make the unpleasant times larger, but we dwell on how we think we should feel UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. That has become our yardstick. lts' actually possible to ignore the good time we're having, however momentarily. Your letters here have given me an anwer. I'm going to try to not measure everything against THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. I will let events fall properly where they may in this proper time for them of the now, which may have no connection to the was at all. Afterall, there's a reason its' called the past, and today will be the past tomorrow. Thank you all, for putting this problem clearly out there. Take Care- DoubleJo Karens' point is well taken. We need to replace the old thoughs/behaviours with better ones, and over time they will become like second nature, inside to draw upon without even thinking.

Karen: I am sorry for the struggles you have had. My last husband was also a short but sweet interlude in my life that I wish had been the only one. I know what you are saying. It isn't just the giving to someone. Its' the giving to someone who absorbs what you have and sends it back into you so you feel completed. Helping another, however and whoever is still on the surface. Having a special someone who is part of YOUR life and yours THEIRS, is different from "borrowing" people and then giving them back to their own worlds. It is interesting you use the term "something to solve." I also view this as some sort of problem that can be solved. I too feel frustrated. I believe this is called sharing- as in sharing your life together. There seems to be alot of people who live with each other but never got to the stage of this deep "sharing." Us lucky ones experienced it and it is truly a special, wonderful thing. It involves complete trust, and appears it needs two people with the capacity to feel deeply. Its' that capacity that has us feeling so empty now. My days run on, not in any bad way, but also without that particular sense of purpose because other people I invest time in can just change their minds, situations, and disappear. And they do. That stable relationship that creates a foundation to stand on was pulled away from under my feet. Something I have been used to and need is gone. I hate that word gone. It is way too final. People really do need people in a deep meaningful way. How to change ones' mindset over something so primally needed is not an easy task. We also don't have a blueprint for this stage in life. We see marriage, divorce, working, careers displayed, but coping and feeling our way through this next stage of life is not discussed or shown, with the rare exception of a TV show- Golden Girls." We are walking a little blindly. Take care Karen- this is a confusing time. DoubeJo

Shell: Thank you. It takes a lot of work to carve a new path. I was told you never know what the next day brings. You never know what is waiting around the next corner. It's true. If I had given up (and I almost did), I would not have had all the wonderful experiences I had, along with the bad. My first husband, (who had epilpsy) told me, "if you give up you have no chance at all. If you try you have a 50% chance to succeed." He was right. Sometimes you don't get what you want. But what you want may not be what you need. My life's experiences have allowed me to understand people, situations, and where my life should lead. It prepared me for my now. Some people get their crap earlier in life. Some later. Some get very little but with nothing to compare it to think its' huge and cannot deal with it at all. Everything is perspective and all of it is painful. Things are bigger than we are. We all have a tendancy to "naval gaze" as the saying goes. But we do have the choice to deal with things the way we decide to. There IS justifiable anger. Its' what propels me to appreciate what I have and to not let hurts perpetuated by others get to me. Then I am doing their job for them. And you know what? These people are so self involved they probably have no memory of this stuff anymore, if they ever did. So who would I be hurting ? Myself. By not letting go I continue it on. I'd be the one wasting my life with grievances. Do I forgive? No. These people have done nothing to earn my forgiveness. Do I accept what happened? Yes. Because it did. I use my anger to propel me forward. To grab life and appreciate all I have because the hurt is way back there, not here with me unless I chose to carry it forward with me and not let go. Our close ones died. We will die. It is only a matter of when and how. I do not want to be on my deathbed realizing life as precious, and see myself trodding a path of my own unhappiness, making a trench, digging it deeper and deeper walking in my own circles getting nowhere. On that day I don't want to say- "the few days I had on earth were wasted- and it was I who wasted it." DoubleJo Elizabeth: Your mother may not talk about her moms' death, but she may be feeling it. It may be why she wants to be alone for Easter. Take care- DJ

Elizabeth: Thank you for explaining your situation. I suppose its' all how you let yourself look at things, how long you let the bitterness fester. I had an abusive family and begged people to take me out of it. I finally was and lived in slums where various girls residences were, and bided my time on childrens' hospital wards until they had openings. I saw horrendous things but that is another story. After 27 years with my husband, he died at home. One year later my dad died. 2 months after my second husband died, my mom died. I have a cold sister back east I stopped speaking to after she said I should do everyone a favor and kill myself, 30 years ago. I have no other family. I have every reason to be angry. The things I saw and had done to me left me broken. But with the kindness of strangers and help from professionals on the premises of these places I worked very hard to heal, because I was not going to let these people ruin my life. I learned I counted too. And I do. You can help how you feel. You don't have to stop being bitter. The question is, What do I do with it? Do I waste it? Let it make me miserable? Or can I take from it lessons of what I will accept and what I won't. What is my value? How much do I want to hurt myself? Why should I keep those peoples hurtfulness and carry them on to me also? No, I am not thinking you should go out and get a life. Your assumptions are wrong. You already have a life. How you use it and view is is up to you. I am also homebound. I get movies from Netflix sent to me. Take care- DoubleJo

Angelwings: I am so sorry both you and your mum had to go through so much for so long. Even when death finally comes after so long it is a terrible shock. We expect them to keep going and going. Afterall, they somehow kept going for all that time. Please know that your mum is not lost. She resides in your heart and in the many people she touched throughout her life. The sound of death breathing is a very profound sound. Its' a sound we never hear and when we do, we don't want to. Open your heart with your tears. They will pay homage to her and empty your spirit of its' pain. Do take care- DoubleJo

I'm sorry, I am confused about you feeling "alone." Your mother is alive, you have a daughter and you have a husband. How are you alone? How is the immediate recipient ( child )of these grandparents dealing with the loss of their parents? DJ.

Hi Deborah: I think we have all felt anxious and panicky in different degrees. Why not? Our lives were turned around with all the expections and familiar daily routines turned on their heads. People need to to feel grounded , and death lifts you off the earth and places you into a realm that no one has experienced before. The new unknown scares people. We realize the first half of our lives are over too. Our partners were just that- we relied on them and they on us. Our days were planned for "us" not "me". You are trying to find your new place in this world, and even beyond this life. You feel unsure of yourself because you no longer have that backup to bounce off of or guide you. It takes a lot of work to adjust, but your actual world is still there, only different. Try to make the different a good "different." You are still you. Take care of yourself- DoubleJo

Teny: It takes a long time for the anguish to lesson and finally turn into a throbbing ache. Remember that you spent a long and close time with your loved one. What is 2 or 3 years when you have so much pain? It takes a lot of work and is very tiring because each and every day you are making new sense of everything you do. You are constantly readjusting. Just remwmber that you were a whole person before you met your special person, and that whole person is still there, but now you carry with you all the specialness and love from another. With every day that passes you have passed along with it, and in the process you stayed yourself and managed the day. My very best- DoubleJo

Thank you all for sharing my day with me. ! DoubleJo

I will heartily take those hugs ( one can never have enough to stop hug deficiency) and will make a point of it to grab hold of that sunshine to let the love of my men and all my wonderful friends warm my heart and keep me safe. Good friends bring out the sunshine. Thank you for helping to turn an odd day into a better one. Jo