DoubleJo

Thanks to the both of you: You're helping to make the day brighter. DJ

Thank you so much- you helped make my day. Jo

This Sunday will be my birthday. My first husband died 10 days before his 58th birthday. He said he didn't look forward to getting so close to 60. Well, he didn't. My second husband died one month before he turned 57. He said he just knew he wouldn't live to be 58 like John. Well, he didn't. He died one month after we married. I feel I have a special duty on this birthday, to carry over two men who didn't make it to their 58th birthdays. I will be be taking them with me as I turn it. Whether this completes some sort of cycle I do not know. I fear it may complete mine. Will I become 58? Will it end something? I am the survivor. They left me something inside myself that I have carried forward. Is this a logical thought? Yes. Because these things did happen. Is it rational? Probably not. I am doing my job. It was accepted without thought or concern. Will I suddenly become different? The mind is active with it's histories inside its' self. The journey of life continues on in its' own strange ways with all the peculiarities it entails. Slowly someone here is going to turn 60. Perhaps. DoubleJo

Karen: I am glad you have such a caring and concerned caseworker for your son. Yes, unfortunetly people close to us have problems we cannot control for them. We can only do so much as we cannot live inside their heads or emotions for them. I hope this info gave you some peace, at least a little less stressful worrying. We think about you- take care,. DoubleJo

This was tried last year, but all the people on the west side wouldn't drive into central phoenix or east phoenix as a half way point, so it came to nothing. DJ

Hi people- I'm here in Chandler. Time is my own. DoubleJo

Its' been raining all thru February too. It used to rain all thru the summers with the standard desert rains and floods. I've been here for 35 years and the desert climate has been here for way more than that. Most years don't conform to the "average". That's why they're called "averages." A months variation is small in the scale of things. Our weather will stay hotter too because so much of the local desert has been covered over with blacktop and concrete, causing the heat to be trapped and dissipate more slowly. Some things are not that complicated or overly dramatic. DJ

Bob: Just a note: Arizona had been in a periodic draught that occurs here in cycles. Our winter rain is a normal weather pattern for Arizona. DoubleJo

Walt says there was an earthquake in Greece. I remember when I had my apartment on Loukianou in Athens the buildings shook during one of your quakes. Loved your country so much came back to live there a number of years ago. That's why I love Arizona. Some parts very similiar. Lets see, it's 2500 miles from Arizona to New York, another 2-3000 miles to Greece I think. Take care- DoubleJo

Sometimes the best thing to do is to just sit down and say- Yeah, this is a lot. Let it flow in you and out of you by acknowledging the reality of it all. Then break this messy pile of stuff into one thing at a time to do. When you take care of one thing and its finished, you'll still feel overwhlemed. Then you do the second, and still feel overwhelmed. Then you'll go for the next thing to take care of and realize there's only one thing left, or the're all done. And remember this slogan: What you can't do today you will be able to do tomorrow. Take care- DoubleJo

Please try not to be filled with guilt. Easier said than done, but since we feel so responsible for our pets that depend us, we do. You must have done an awful lot right for her to remain healthy and with you for so long that way. The end is always hard to watch and deal with. You went the extra mile at the end "just in case" it would help her, but she died of old age, really: her heart was worn out. You are transferring some of your own emotional feelings as a human onto her state of mind. I think she was grateful for your love and your presence. I clipped a statement from an animal welfare organization that stated people sometimes feel they have more power than nature. Nature deals with life as it suits each thing. I would be heartbroken right now as you are. Your life companion is missing. As a dog "owner" I have been through this several times. I own several dogs because I want someone there to take the place of the huge hole when one reaches its' G-d time. Your tears are a testament to her. Cry- each drop will water the living memory of her. So sorry- DoubleJo

Lyn: You have no need to question yourself about your actions. You responded to HIS actions which were wrong, frustrating and imposed upon you. Everyone has the right to be angry. Hopefully we get that way over something justified. Anger tells us several things, among them something here is not right; something is pushing against me making me feel the need to respond to protect myself. You count, Lyn. No one has to accept behaviour from another that is deliberately done that directly effects you. The blame lies with the doer, not the receiver in this case. This is why anger exists. It can prompt us to take necessary actions: it can open our eyes to realities we might choose to avoid; it helps us by venting out frustrations and fear. It sounds that without you there is no him. Take care of yourself. Always my concern- DoubleJo

That all of you have made sure that I am not alone has helped me to release some of the pain that resides deeper than I want to acknowledge. You give me the steps to climb up and out with. You all share the knowledge about this very special, very burdensome and sometimes very heavy pain. We do carry a load. Thank you for helping me to carry mine, which is just a little heavier right now. As we walk the road the weight will lessen as bits and parts fall away or evaporate over time, but the mark it leaves will remain, embedded too deeply. I guess to truly live one has to bear the marks of life, wear them proudly, and remember how they came there. Peoples' lives are not cancelled because they died. They did exist, they were here. DoubleJo

Well, here we go again. This January 13th I will be marrying Curt. Then on the 12th of February, exactly one month later Curt will be dead on the floor in my arms. It was strange to realize he was here with me for almost 4 years, but it has been just as hard to accept that he is also now dead. The days pass, life goes on. His birds sing and I play with the dog that is now mine. I removed part of his medical equipment last night from beside the bed. My house doesn't want empty holes in places. It lets me know when something no longer belongs. Like my first husband I like to see his shoes under the chair and his wallet and watch on the little table next to them. It is very comforting and special to know that yes, they were really here and mine. Because I had a hard, scary life growing up I am glad I have these new memories I can feel sad/wispy over. That tears over the past have been replaced with tears for wonderful things. It's one of those times to sigh and shed tears that are also filled with joy and thankfulness that I had each of them, that they left me so much inside and out. There- Its' been said. DoubleJo

How recently did the death occur? Perhaps what you thought was unrelated actually touched a raw nerve somewhere. DoubleJo

Teny: I'm disturbed by the insistance of formula your doctor feels you must follow. Some doctors get lost in their books and adhere to strict guidelines they were taught in school, and rather than use them as GUIDELINES that must be fitted for each person, they try to force the person to fit the guidelines. You need to see someone who is more confident in their abilities. What difference does it make why you're here? You are. The difference lies in what you do with your "here." If you weren't meant to be here now you wouldn't be. A person can know just so much at any one time . Comprehending the fundamental existance of death is a large enough concept to understand and get used to. Death is all around us, but we don't see it like people once did, when disease, hardship and constant warring was the way life. The answers you want are fogged by grief and confusion. Someday, sometime, with a clear mind and when you have emptied yourself so you can receive, answers can come. Take care, DoubleJo

Kathy: I waited about 6 months after each of my husbands died before going to the group in my area. With each there were different counselors, and different types of people. Recently our group changed a lot. Before we had concerned, caring, polite individuals and we all bonded and worried about each other. Most left, however, and totally different types of people have joined. They are loud, self centered, and monopolize the group with a clique they created among themselves. I no longer go much. They have legal problems and family problems and that is what ties up the time rather than learning how to cope with grief or supporting each other by sharing our feelings over deaths. It changes. Sometimes hearing people brings you down but also sometimes you gain an insight you didn't have before, or find that by measuring your reactions you can gauge how you've changed. Sometimes you can help someone by sharing your experience. But you need time first to adjust and deal with YOUR situation, and that takes some time . Try it again later when you have a handle on your self and the situation is less raw. DoubleJo

Lyn: Every time something is "new" we are reminded we no longer have "the old." Yes, the new year is a big big reminder of how many "old" things are missimg from our lives. Eventually the new becomes old too. The once new reminders of my first husband are now old; the reminder of my second husband is still new, but I know from experience (unfortunatly) that this too will eventually become older, then old. Tinges of sadness are sparked for my first, but the actualization of the awful reality of my second is still fresh and painful. I remind myself I was lucky to have him for a short while rather than be sad he is now gone, for I may not have had him at all. Your deep anguish is the hard throbbing of reality hitting you in all your sensative places; mind, heart and inner soul. Our tears this new years' will be full and flooding but there is no other way for us to bear this. The next new year will fill with new hope and promise. This one has to take the brunt of our pain, the feeling of loss. But truly, Lyn, when this year passes it will become the old year, with all that the word old entails. We are lucky/blessed that our men left us with wise words and their strengths. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. DoubleJo

Whiteswan: I'm so glad you resolved your conflict. I can see why you felt obligated, and of course you wanted to give all that you could to your child. It's wonderful that you can talk with your son. He has insight. Instilling vengeance, hate and violence is what causes man's inhumanity to man. Arrogance breeds contempt of others. Guilt corrupts and is used to gain control. You have one of G-ds blessings in your arms. Take care- DoubleJo

Lyn- That 6 months seems like yesterday and feels like all eternity. I hope we all can ease your heaviness just a little. DoubleJo

I also lost everyone in a short time. I've decided to be grateful that I had them and all their love. I try to smile about them instead of missing them. I cry, but I try to cry feeling full with all the love and warmth they gave me. That's not gone, and will never be gone because that has become a part of me. Let your tears flow.... They are a testament to what you had. DoubleJo Regarding your religious feelings: Your personal experiences and relationship with G-d will never be the same as someone else. Why should you try to fit yourself into someones elses version of the religious world? Your heart is the only truth of how you feel and it can't be hidden from a Supreme power. Be true to yourself- Who else COULD you be true to? G-d is with you whether you're in a church or not. Take care- DoubleJo

Keep those good feelings ! We all pass and we all leave to those we love our spirit, our strengths. love, DoubleJo

Lyn- You are so very right. In my life a man came to me who taught me to never give up or let anything stand in my way: to be strong and unafraid. When his job was done he died. Another man entered my life to bring me joy and comfort, and make my life easy and complete. When his job was gone, he died. I gave to each what they needed: undivided love, care, comfort, support and the recognition each so desparately needed. When they felt whole and completed and all their issues were resolved, they died. I take with me all they gave me. It keeps me whole, warm and loved. I wait for the next corner to turn, the next correct path to flow on. There I will find the next proper one to bring myself to, and to receive my next lessons from.

Maury: Bob is correct. I lost 2 husbands, both parents, a set of inlaws and a dog all in the span of 4 years. Since my second husband knew he wasn't well when we met, he wanted me to keep the house I've been living in for 27 years, and he sold his. He consciously didn't want to disrupt my life with more changes than necessary. We both understood what change could do . Any change can throw you. If the computer wasn't up to par or something broke it used to throw me. I heard my nextdoor neighbor was going to move and I hoped that wouldn't happen because it meant new people and their lifestyles to get used to. The one thing we all need after a massive change in our lives is some feeling of security, stability. Something familiar. This is normal and to be expected since your world turned upside down and you're adjusting to a million new things eveyday. You open the refrigerator as usual, but the reason and things inside have changed; you answer the phone but the callers and the reasons for the calls have changed; the supermarket is still the same but the shopping can be heartbreaking 'cause the purchases have changed. You are continually adjusting to hundreds of little tiny changes all the time. Give yourself a break. Go easy on yourself. Death is a huge thing that probably was never experienced before. Eventually your past relationships become intergrated into yourself. You never lose the love. But they are placed comfortably inside where they fill you up with comfort, and give proof that there are more wonderful things that can come, just as they did. Take care DoubleJo

You need to be careful giving some dogs meat. Some dogs have had the "natural" bred out of them. Some are actually allergic to meat, so look for rashes and other signs. I had several like that and tracking down the source was interesting to say the least. Then I learned this. There isn't any set rule to go by. Like us, they're all different. Take care- DoubleJo