DoubleJo

Welcome Dusty to this site. Thanks for sharing how you also feel. Looks like we all have to roll with the weather. I'm sorry you have so much emptiness to feel right now. It's a weird feeling, something new and strange. I also lost my parents in these past 3 years, besides 2 husbands. It gets better. It really does. My best- DoubleJo

DesertBob; As you know people needs answers, simple ones to make life orderly and understandable. This kind of 2 way feeling about someone is very confusing. I had the same thing. Then I learned ( and it finally sunk in, again 2 different things ) that its' okay to feel both ways about someone because that's how they were, how the situation was. We don't have to try to pigeonhole ourselves into a neat clean package. It's okay to be mad at the crap stuff and pleased with the good. I was lucky? in that my childhood prepared me for all types of people. You can rack your brain until it falls out trying to place everything somewhere. Its' too late. It already was placed. It was placed by the actions of the people who did it. The confusion lies in trying to put it elsewhere. The concept of multiple feelings about someone feels unacceptable for the reasons stated above. We shouldn't feel guilt over feeling poorly about things others did just because they are deceased. Afterall, it was we who tried to help them . Lyn- How are feeling today? DoubleJo

DesertBob: People very often aren't obviously damaged. But by being with them thru a lot of circumstances you can see how someone behaves. My first husband had a lot of problems, but he acknowledged that. We worked together to change and by doing so we became very close partners in all that we did. It all depends on what kind of problems people have and the kind of person they are. My second husband always said. "Timing is everything." He was right. Luck and timing plays a great part in how your life turns out. However, there is more "luck" and better timing out there than many realize, and they pass by them oblivious or too hurt to see them, and so they lose out on what they wanted. You had 2 very bad experiences that ate up your time. But out of millions of people 2 people are not enough to judge them all. You have every right to be bitter and feel burned. I had anger and great sadness for the things I missed in my life because of my childhood. I have memories of terror from then and bad memories from my first marriage. But if I had let that eat me up and stop me for the rest of my life I would have missed out on a hell of a lot. I feel similar to you, however, in that I don't want anymore aggravation. I recently stopped seeing someone who wanted to marry me because he had too many problems that kept surfacing over time. I gave it a lot of time (one year) precisely because I wanted to see what would surface. And it sure did. It takes time to get to know someone. I don't believe you spent much time with Linda before deciding to get married. Was it 6 weeks? Caution never hurts, and you have a lot of feelings to deal with. Coping with all you had to deal with and making sense of it all will comsume your time. It did for me, it did and does for most of us. It is amazing what kind of scars people may have hidden underneath from dealing with life. Some use them as guides to learn what to avoid, what they may need or not. Some can toss them off as "that's life." Right now you are raw from what you dealt with. How could you expect to feel any other way? DoubleJo

Lyn: you hold the gift of promise and happiness, to want to love like you have never been hurt. Curt and I knew he would die very early. We lived each day so fully, so filled with each other that our 3 1/2 years was a span of 10. My best- DoubleJo

There ARE people who don't deceive. Who turn to their mate in times of need. Men who cry in the arms of their women and women who grow more proud and in love with their men as time goes on. Not only have I met many couples that have grown closer over time, but I am one of those who experienced this twice. Perhaps it comes from having sharper eyes from life experience, but avoiding the many "characters" with heavy problems was something I could recognize. Then there is the luck of meeting a man who appreciated the calmness that came after the storm and was perseptive enough to recognize a safe haven. If you try you may succeed. If you give up you automatically fail. If you quit while the rains still pour, you'll never know what came after. Sadly there are lots of people with very big emotional problems. They have no idea they have them. Avoidance is the only option. We can allow ourselves to be bitter when the bitter taste is still in our mouths. But someday our hunger for the fruit of life will return. When it does it will be a sad person indeed who has shut the doors to his heart, because that heart aches even now to be fulfilled. That's why the bitterness. That's why the anger. That is frustration speaking for not receiving your hopes of love and stability. DoubleJo

Lyn: The pain you feel is the love not lost. Feel your pain wrapping you like a cushion. It is making sure that even though your heart is breaking the pieces will never fall. Your tears are glue that hold you together. It is bending you but in it tightness it is bracing you to face today and tomorrow. Consider this pain the preciousness of what you had and proof it will always be with you in its' many more wonderful forms. DoubleJo

Lyn: you are so kind to remember me. You all are making it hard to stay feeling rotten. For you to inquire about me touches me deeply. Bob: The past year I was very busy, traveling, going to shows, etc. and the time was filled. When the whirlwind stops the force can throw you off. Thats' what happens when things slow way down and the weather creeps in. All of us are so fatigued, dealing with the hundreds of daily adaptations that we get thrown at us almost constantly. Shell: as usual you are so right. You can't fight against the tide. Sometimes it's best to let go and just swim with the tide until you land naturally on a bank. So guess what I'm doing? I'm gonna let the water cleanse me and carry me ashore to where my next natural landing is meant to be. G-d bless you all- I feel your hugs and real concern. DoubleJo

Rosanne: Thank you. Maybe I can wash away my feelings of despair with my tears. I am trying to empty myself of these awful feelings that I haven't had for a very very long time. I am using the strength you and Lyn gave me to push myself forward. DoubleJo

Lyn: Thanks. Your kind words help and by sharing my load you made it lighter. DoubleJo

Hi: This week I'm feeling a heavy load. Other than paying off the mortgage the only thing changing is the weather, which for us in the Arizona desert doesn't happen often. But I'm feeling the shorter darker days. Although its' a relief from all the hot sunny ones, it's making the house feel empty. Making me feel the lack of another presence. I've come to terms with my first husbands death and both my parents, so I now have "room" to realize my second husband is gone too. This weather change is bringing it home. I'm crying and just feel too tired to do much. I've always been admired for "being so full of life" by people. But I suddenly feel life becoming dull to me. It scares me because I know it is only when I decide to give up and let myself feel old that I WILL become old and wither away alone. When I aroused my dying husband I said " wake up" and he told me "I can't wake up now, I have to go back to sleep". Then he died. I'm scared of the force of that suction, that vacuum. Giving up is pulling me for the first time. I am telling myself this will pass. As I approach being 58 I believe I'll start to look too old for anyone to want to care about me again. And the realization of floating all alone overwhelms me. It makes me feel faint. When I was putting all the death certificates in a folder last year I blacked out. It became too much. Just a few weeks ago I felt so differently. I'm trying to roll with the punch. I wish I had a friend to see just to clear out the dark blot of time in my house. I'm feeling like you, Stallyn, and like everyone else probably. Time is moving forward beyond my control and it is scaring me. I need to cry on someones' shoulder so badly but there aren't any. I have to be "stoic" around my friends. Ah well. I am discomforted by the unseen. DoubleJo

Starkiss: Well, that hurts. I'll tell you why I think that's happening. I could be wrong of course, but after getting feedback years later on similiar things that happened, I'll pass it on to you. Often people in a group see someone "unattached" as a "fifth wheel". They don't see you fitting in with a group of people who have the same attachments as they do. They are oblivious to how you might feel. The family is a group like them. There may be nothing you can do as you are not a GROUP. But you can let you feelings of "surprise that you were perhaps forgotten?" be known, gently, not accusatory . It may just wake them up that this bothered you. I'll bet they never gave it thought that you felt slighted. Being by yourself they also may have thought you wouldn't have wanted to come, having other interests. Take care- DoubleJo

Shelley: No problem. We all get frustrated by events and need to let them out somewhere. My love- DoubleJo

Starkiss: Hi, Shelley: I am dealing with a special sad reminder right now and have been away from the boards. When I read this about Bailey I had to respond because I had the same situation a number of years back. I had a "special" springer spaniel. You know, a dog that you and he really communicate with, feel and love in a super special way. My vet at the time told me heartworm was going around, but never prescribed any preventative and what did I know of this years ago? The jerk also told me once they get it it very expensive and almost impossible to treat. Well, we had no money, not even enough to pay all our monthly bills. and so you know what happened- My sweetheart started walking in circle, then a worm came out his ear. What was I to do with what I had been told? I had to make the decision to keep him warm and as well as possible hoping he'd go quickly. He lived another 1 1/2. years. I put blankets on him to stop the chills. When I called my vet to put him to sleep he was surprised at his condition. Did I tell why he was this way? No. I needed him to put my springer to sleep. It was already too late. I still feel terrible. My stomach cringes everytime I relive this, which I do often and it has been probably 8 years. I feel HORRIBLE yet at the time this is what I had to do. I torture myself over this . He depended on me and this was what I had to work with to make him feel as well as I could humanly do. It was a decision I knew I'd have to live with. At the time I could deal with it. Looking back on it kills me. BUT He was already 11 years old when he got ill. He knew I loved him. I did the best I could do under the circumstances I had. Baily has the love and care of people for a relatively long time. A good life. Better than one without all this concern. I am no one to speak, as you can see, of how to deal with this well. But truly, its' not like we threw our guys into the street, or harmed them. It is PRECISLEY because we feel love and compassion and want to do more than we can that this bothers us so much. This concern on our part means we aren't bad people. Its' just that as humans we have limits. We ALL have limits, for people too. I know it hurts- DoubleJo

Dusky: Yes: the "sounds of silence" can be loud enough to burst a heart. It is correct to say they can also bring the sounds of soft memories and caresses. Love is a miracle. It is a divine shield that circles and protects you. The pain of being left with only this essence of the person who so loved you is what becomes unbearable. We are but fragile human beings lighted within by a divine spark that eventually must return home. DoubleJo

Thank you- you have all filled me up while I am feeling a bit empty floating alone. Karenb and Stallyn, it IS amazing that after 28 years it is at this time I see John's engraving. Kayc, I am always hoping that our Mulberry and Pine Trees of 22 years keep going until I'm gone. Everywhere around me is my second late husband Curts' remodeling and repairs. He'll be dead 2 years this February. My dogs are 9 & 10 and I thank G-d they're not older. Yes. Maylissa, they stay with us forever in some way. We need some continuity, some stable hold to a past that is a part of who were are so we don't feel like we're swinging in the wind. Desert Bob, grief IS exhausting. It wears on you. I am so grateful for having the love of these 2 men. I can only hope that a new wind blows another my way. I find comfort in knowing how huge G-ds' hands are. They are able to cradle us all. My love- DoubleJo

Thank you everyone for your wonderful, caring posts. They made me feel so much better. With support like yours I am going to try and celebrate the day to honor the hard work John did and our life together, tears and all. And what a surprise I had! I have been working in my backyard which is quite large, planting, laying patio stones, etc. I finally got to the last area I hadn't fininshed yet. Part of the flagstone patio John had laid with me many years ago is still left. I bought a metal trellis for the area and started to hose off a part covered with dirt. Our date of laying it with our initials was carved into the cement by John- J & J '79. It made me smile and I felt so blessed to have gotten this present right after I wrote my post here. Thanks for your immediate replies - they filled my heart. DoubleJo

This month I'll be paying off my mortgage. You know, the time you're supposed to be happy. The man who made this house our home has been dead now for 5 years (where does the time go)? . He worked so very hard for us. He had epilepsy and so his recent memory was poor. He had to travel back to customers because he'd forgotten his toolcase or something, working twice as hard for twice the time and never complaining, just excepting the situation, happy to do what he did. He never let anything stop him or stand in his way. He was an inspiration to me. John was 10 days shy of his 58th birthday. He had a stroke. After 27 1/2 years together he died holding my hand in bed.It was frozen cold. I'd paid off the second mortgage with his life insurance money. I paid down the refinancing with my second husbands' life insurance. Now I'll receive the statement this week for the very last payment. It breaks my heart he won't see the fruit of his labors. Many of you know how the things that should be "happy" are sad. I'll cry big time. This is one of those realities that hits very hard. So- I decided to write to you instead of replying this time. Well-that's it. This ends something I don't want to completely end. It cuts me off a little more from our past and closes a door. It is harder to pretend that someone is not really really gone. But they are. DoubleJo

Starkiss: Things that happened are never actually over. How we feel about them is what changes. Its' ok to feel sad again. It means you had something really nice, otherwise you wouldn't care. That's special. Death is a really big thing to handle. Take care- DoubleJo

Shell: You have got it. There are many things that happen to us that we don't have to like, and may never forgive. But that doesn't mean we can't accept the fact that they happened and in some way affected us and we CAN"T go back and change it or fix it. It is then up to us to accept this fact and decide what to do with it. Do we live in a past world of hurt? Or do we accept the FACT that we have hurt but it will not cloud our vision or stop us from doing what we need to do. We can choose to use whatever it was that happened to us as some insight gained, just a life experience or a realization about ourselves that strengthens us somehow for the next turn in life. Once we have "accepted" that it happened and we hurt it is easier to move forward carrying whatever load remains but its' weight has been made lighter. Time evaporates a lot of the rest. Take care- DoubleJo

Rykersmom: With my chihuahua on my lap supervising me as I type this, my step-cocker at my feet and the springer spaniel sleeping on the couch ( and the cockatiels singing in the kitchen) I am flabbergasted at the cruelty of your niece's remarks. Sounded like a snotty dig. After all, even if SHE isn't personally effected by his passing, she could be concerned how YOU feel. Even just for simple courtesys' sake. Something else is at work here. (resentment/jealousy?) A beloved pet becomes part of the family, like an adopted child. It truly is very hard to say goodbye. When they live with us for a long time the empty spot is so noticeable. I am glad your nieces' children are not like their mom. So there's hope yet. I think one never really gets over losing someone special, but the pain mellows and softens. There ARE people who know what you are feeling, unfortunatley you haven't heard much from them yet. My best- DoubleJo

Shell: I find the change of seasons, especially the fall, to always give me odd feelings. Although its nice to have cooler weather here in hot Arizona it always make the realization of life changes feel bigger with it. And with it of course comes the holidays riding on its' tail. You always miss people who are special to you ( and animals). After all they just are not there anymore. Many triggers, many longings. Take care- DoubleJo

Corrine: it is so hard when we have to make this decision, but as your beloved friend relied on you to make the best choices for him you can rest assured you did. Sometimes people prolong nature's natural path and make an animal suffer because THEY need them, not really thinking about the poor pet in pain. You were wise to be strong and face his reality. There are just some things out of our hands, and your hands were warm and caring for him. You made his life gentler in his last months. DoubleJo

Maylissa: Suzanne is right when she says don't give up, because the person you snub might be "the one." Besides, we know we did the right thing,and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I would rather do the right thing and feel the fool than behave in like manner and feel ashamed. It was really hard for me to come to terms with the way a lot of people are. I was like you and it frustrated me to no end. When my first husband died only one person came by with flowers, all the rest ignored it not even a card. By the rest I mean our store was in a small center for 9 years with these same people, some John had even repaired their office machines for them. Thinking about it hurt until I stopped and realized these people were always snotty or dense. Yet neighbors I did not know surrounded me and wanted to help. (He died at home with me).John and I did everything together with no help for our 27 years. Same for our birthdays, etc. I felt cheated because we were helpful and friendly. After many years of feeling bitter I "got it" after John died. That same year my elderly dad and mom had issues I also had to deal with. I had the business to run. I gained a new perspective on things. I suddenly felt everything melting away. The depth of dealing with death so personally gave me a new understanding about life. I realized I would never be part of a crowd because my life has been so different and like you I have always seen things very clearly and straight to the point. No clutter, no screens, no fog. It IS lonely and it still amazes me but it doesn't HURT me anymore when people behave the way they do because I have realized that is who THEY are. They are screened off even with each other at times. Nothing I do will make some people get it because they just don't have the capacity or life experiences to. I'm not the only one they behave this way to. It really isn't anything personal. When I backed off and took the personal out of the equation I could see more clearly it wasn't just ME. This is who they are. I realized I may feel bad but why need them so much? Let them need me for a change. Backing off has done wonders for me. In social settings I am still friendly but if someone wants my friendship I let them make the first move. Even at hospice meetings after I tell about myself, being completely alone, no one offers me a phone number, or wants mine though they express amazement how I carry on and say how bad they feel for me. Yet those who are in very similar stages will stand there and exchange numbers with each other and socialize in front of me. They have big families and friends. They are louder people than me. I am just not seen as their type, even though we are all supposed to be" compatriots "in our similiar grief. This is superficial (phony?)compassion . It hurts everytime. If you didn't get your furbabies you would never have experienced what you had with them. By not getting other "kids" or involved in something you always wanted to do you are denying yourself some possible happiness. I don't think the thought of not having had them to enrich your life and comfort you is one you would want to have. Why deny yourself these things now? One has to let go when what one is keeping is hurting oneself. The same thoughts become a habit, hard to break. My second husband died last year. I have no family left, no husbands. I know what you want. It is something all people want and need. We are social animals. But sometimes you have to put yourself out there and "float"- see what you attract, while accepting what you have now. In my new circumstances I have found new, different people. And while because of age differences, etc. we are not personal friends, I have very pleasant company now at my clubs. I can come home refreshed and happy. ( and of course greeted by my dogs and birds). I am lucky or blessed because when I tried this years ago the people available were characters and unpleasant. I like to think that since I had a special husband in my life I didn't really need others for support. But now that I'm so alone I am getting it by the grace of G-d. A short story to a long reply: I wrote this to someone on this site. I paraphrase: A rabbi is walking down the road. Samuel runs up to him. Rabbi:" How is everything going, Samuel?" "Terrible. My field won't grow , my cow died and I don't feel good. If things were better it couldn't hurt." Rabbi: " How do you know?" Let some of it go. It isn't worth it. Float and let things find you. They will if they are meant to. Your friend, Doublejo

Maylissa: I had to share this with you. There is an elderly woman I am an acquaintance with. She is lonely and is always asking me to go to lunch with her when I call her.( She needs someone to talk to). She keeps saying she would pick me up, how proud she is of her driving skills, (I'm not driving now) and she'd drive us to a restaurant. I'm not that thrilled about it, but figured I would make a day for it. She called and left a message for me last night to tell me about a meeting at a "senior center" if I want to go. I called her today. Said I would love to go ( I'm too young for this group, I'm only 57), and to make her feel good I said that I would enjoy her company as we would ride over together. "Oh- you live so far away from me "(when she wanted to pick me up for a lunch we 'were so close'), "I get lost easily, um um... Maybe I can find someone else to pick you up". I have gotten this nonsense so many times my spit would fill a bathtub. I go out of my way to be nice and do something I really don't want to do to make someone feel better and THEY brush me off ! I will tell you I usually never go out of my way or do something I really don't want to do anymore because people are amazing. They do not hear themselves. I do not take people seriously anymore until time proves itself. I'm laughing over this but I am annoyed too, because I was going to put myself in an uncomfortable situation to help this woman. My kinder feelings let my guard down. I had every reason to believe she'd pick me up. What can you say? This isn't about pets or death. It is about human nature. Unlike animals which are more predictable and constant, people are truly amazing. Sadly they amaze in a disappointing way (I didn't call HER to go, she called ME) more often than they amaze in happier ways. You have to laugh- seeing people as entertainment or a lesson in sociology is easier than taking them too seriously. DoubleJo

Maylissa: As a former business owner who personally dealt with customers all the time, I have this to say: Just for the simple reason that you were a good customer, you should have gotten at least an oh, I'm so sorry. After all, her business was directly involved with the subject of your pet. It was stupid businesswise and foolish personwise. I AM surprised at her response, because it was so cold and she turned you off. She could have felt a small kinship with you because of her daughter and your Nissa that would have led to that discussion about her. The cancer did not just happen, she had been dealing with it for awhile. It was making natural conversation over what you both had mutually in common- your pet. Casual catching up conversation is a nice social thing that keeps things pleasant when you run into someone. You don't ignore them, then THEY"D be offended!~You are right. Marty misses the point. It was a meeting, it led to informal discussion that went needlessly callous. I must say, Maylissa, you are on a run of stupid people. Take care- Doublejo