DoubleJo

Kayc: I appreciate your quick response. Yes, you clarified this so well. We have to plan, look for, seek out, and then work to make the efforts that once were so simple and natural. It's a helpless feeling being so caught, so stuck in a situation without the help, support or comfort of someone you knew you could depend on. There was no concern about trust or believing a person. That alone was so comforting. The two of you could see all the problems life brings together, halving the burdens' load, making the difficult times bearable. It does overwhelm. I try to get a larger perspective. I make myself aware of how common this situation is. All us women left alone. Add to this is our closer touch to death, the other side, because we experienced the slip from here to there in our loved ones' death. This is a very big thing to deal with. A common reality we ourselves got closed to. And of course it makes you aware of how close we ourselves are getting to the same destination. I hope in your aloneness you rarely feel lonely. doublejo

I'm so into what everyone has written right now when someone asked about posters not posting, and the replies given. I've had 2 husbands and both parents die in the past 4 1/2 years. My last husband died this Feb. one month after getting married. My mom 2 months after that. Have no family or kids. Started working really hard last month to get out and make all new connections. Had no outside friends for many of the same reasons you guys gave- worked with spouse, spouse best friend etc. Well, I've laughed some, felt good at times. This last week was very stressful as I had a lot of places I committed to to meet new people. All very nice and warm people. But today I am so drained, so very very exhausted. Someone I'm paying to repair my house was supposed to show up early in the week. When they didn't I felt anxiety. Why? I figured because it made me feel very vulnerable and ALONE. Without my loving supporter. Because it was another reality kick that my guy is dead. I can say dead. I cannot yet say either one of my husbands are gone forever. That kills me to say. When I mention that I'm too tired to do this or that people are so surprised. So many people are busy running around filling up their time. To us here time is precious and meaningful. Then these same people get analytical and say I must be depressed. But I'm not. I like life. I was blessed to find a second wonderful man wonderful in his own way. I'm only 56 so who knows what else is out there for me? But gee-grief, sadness, the occassional crying jags, or the weepy moments- they're tireing. Awfully so. I have many new things with many new people I've thrown myself into. So many things to say but too tired to post. Perhaps weary is the best word for me. Yes, I am tired and very weary. I say hello and wish you all the best. Doublejo

Maylissa; The continueing back pain on your left side you are describing is probably a pinched nerve in your lower back causing inflammation. That puts pressure on the nerves that are all connected down and up your left side. You might have lifted or pushed a heavy object. Although mental/emotional factors do take a heavy toll on a person,the also have their limits. I write this out of concern because this is something that can be taken care of easily for you. Sometimes the "simple global" answers people write books on may not always apply for everything that occurs. Take care, doublejo, a widow twice .

Derek; I lost two husbands and I'm only 56. 4 1/2 years ago my husband of 27 years died. Feb my second husband of one month died. We lived together for 3 1/2 years and met at hospice. I saw them both die. They died in my arms at home. I knew they were dead. Death is a mental reality like the word "beach", but we can't quite associate with it. We know it exists as a reality. We don't often experience it up close and personal. It is too huge. Death is actually a moment. The experience of death is forever. It is barely comprehensible so we construct religions around it, trying to get a handle on it. We cannot see it past that moment. We experience it's reality in the everyday loss of something not there, not happening, not being seen, not being heard. It is the opposite of other traumas because there something tangible occurred with a seen result. Thie absence of presence is very hard to deal with because we get touched by it all the time every day in a million ways, yet our surroundings are the same. How to deal with this anomolie? I too was very busy, very practical. It's the routine that carries us through. As time passes it will hit you, and hit you hard. The passing of time makes the event more real as it becomes impossible for this person to be gone so long under normal circumstances. It creeps up and into you. Your heart will face it because you can't avoid it. Altho it seems like forever, very little time has actully passed for you. Even now I say to myself, he's only be gone 14 weeks! Such a big thing happened, it seems like way more time was involved. Death is enormous in it's vacancy. Go with flow of things. It will all happen naturally.Your feelings will happen as they are prepared to happen. You have your son and he has you. That is a blessing. My best to you both, Doublejo.

Chrissy: I find it interesting that you are counting the weeks. When I watched Curt die in my arms I thought; "he is here now, but soon all will be empty, that strange moment between here and gone is occuring." Each week I have said to myself, " now I am 3 weeks-- etc. further from when he was still alive. The longer the time goes on the further away he's taken from me. Yet I cannot stop time. 4 1/2 years ago my first husband of 27 years died quickly in bed while holding his hand. So what happened was not new but this time Curt was on the floor and dying before my eyes. This time I was more conscious of the situation, feeling each second and thinking these thoughts. Time pulls us away from their lives, that full living breathing time. I feel afraid as he gets further and further from me. I feel my losing him more. I believe that's why it gets harder as time goes on, the reality hits. Death is so big, empty and far away while yet it is around every corner. Both my husbands are cremated and in the home I shared with both. Curt died 11 weeks ago. Your daughter may not have her father in physical presence right now, but she has the tremendous love and protection of you. My very very best to you in this strange ethereal period . Doublejo

Tara; As a loser of 2 husbands, and both parents in 4 1/2 years I can understand the overwhelmed feelings that hit us. When my first husband died some strange relative cozied up to my parents and suddenly he was on their checkbook, and all the instructions and wills they gave me were changed. Not that they had much, but the final insult is of course, they did it to me when I became alone. I have no children and only in my 50's. Truly the things people do can be incomprehensible. But I have a stubborn streak. I refuse to let it get to me.I learned many years ago that instead of turnng that anger inward towards myself, that anger can actually be a good thing if it helps you realize and direct it at the appropiate places. You have a right to be angry. Do these things hurt? You betcha. Please don't feel depressed and scared. Try not to let yourself hurt anymore than you have to. I now refuse to let anyone get to me because I have enough of life's things that cannot be controlled to deal with as we all do. I will not let other people ruin my life. You are so right- you count too. I think it would be tragic to lose not only our loved ones but ourselves too. You are very important. We need to grab out of life what joys we can. Might as well, we are here.

Dear friend: That is the most beautiful touching and wise movie. Thank you for sharing it with us. You've got a super mom. doublejo

Marty, Marty, Marty. What did you do? (only kidding) I am pleased that you maintain your site with a keen eye. As you saw I was not at a loss for words, so I'll try to remember todays' reply to Novice. You wondered if you were wrong in trying to find or maintain some grieving order. If you should do something specific. My reply; You ARE doing something. Your feelings and thought cannot be stopped, just managed. I too work in my garden. I am finishing the patio myself that Curt was laying for me. Putting in plants that we would have together. He knew how long I waited to get it done, he wanted to make me happy. I feel productive. I AM productive. I try to be busy for a few hours each day. It gives me respite and a normalcy,a recognizable pattern. I also go on day trips to nature areas in Arizona with little groups that can pick me up as I barely drive. I cry alot on those, even tho I am used to traveling far away by myself. It's the contrast I suppose, I am not sure why. Perhaps i'm more exposed. At times the grief and realization of my loss hits me and I feel overwhelmed . But when I get out of the tornado I feel whirling around me and blocking all light, I have found myself to be stronger and relieved. Letting the reality hit full force is too much, too big. Letting it appear for awhile and letting out all the pain is a torment, but one I try to control. It lasts maybe 2 days, 3 or only one, and may not come for weeks. But I have built upon each one and grow, change for the better. What I mean to say is it is there. No matter what you do it is behind and sometimes in front of you. We feel we must do something because something wrong happened. We want to rectify it.I welcome your sharing from your grief sessions. All help is always appreciated. My very best yo you- Doublejo

I found my soulmate at hospice. He lost his wife and me my husband. Turns out we were living through the same things with our spouses. We had the same outlook, the same personality, values, you name it. We thought the same thoughts. Unfortunately he had a bad liver. After 31/2 years of living together we married in Jan. He died Feb. His liver started to fail very fast. He was moved up to number 1 at the Mayo Clinic. Actually he was sick when I met him but still could work and function. His legs were always swelled with edema, his abdomen swelled with fluid. But until our honeymoon he could still function.You kid yourself that ALL you need is the transplant. But the liver failure effects everything else in your system and so it eventually shuts down. He was dying slowly all that time. Now he is gone. Like you I resigned myself to life with him disabled for the rest of our lives as long as I had him with me, I didn't care if I took care of him. I loved him, he loved me deeply. But also it was not to be. I look at it(because I have to) that I was lucky that we found each other. How else can you deal with it? To wish the person to be still alive you also have to wish that he was also always well. That's a lot to wish for. Our people had sickness working inside for some time. He was only 57, my John was only 56. Doublejo