DoubleJo

Kayc: After John was gone my mind was so tired and stressed my memory was shot. Yet, when I had to fix something I remembered how John did it, even if it was something I never did myself. I still find that amazing. It was like I had absorbed all of my John into me and I carried him with me. After my second husband , Curt died last year, I at first panicked when I needed to fix something he had done. Then, instead of saying to myself, "Curt would fix this !" I started saying to myself, "now, how would Curt do this?". I drew upon Curt. Truly, when you live with someone and become one, you do not separate upon death. The body goes but the person stays within you somehow. You never know what the next day brings. Change can be hard work but can bring wonderful new things too. Tak care- Doublejo

Kayc: There are times "that tries mens' souls." Everything goes wrong, people are demanding things you don't have to give and instead of little things going the way they should even they backfire and screw up. Before my first husband died we had to declare reorganization bankruptcy. People from banks called my business, my husband put himself and others in danger with eplipsy blank outs that started to happen while driving. (He crashed into a gas station!)I was working a second job while running the business and got calls all the time from him because he couldn't remember things, etc, etc. My dog had to be put to sleep 2 monthe before John died, she started bleeding internally. My mom had a stroke, my dad was getting dementia and couldn't remember all the help we were giving them and became influenced by a cousin who suddenly entered the picture. My dad started to hate me and pushed me away. I had terrible stress palpations. Finally one day after a nasty phonecall from a creditor I threw up my hands. I knew I was backed up against the wall with no more options anywhere for anything. I felt this sudden rush of relief, because it was just plain out of my hands at that point. I started laughing. I told my DH John, "This is so stupid. This is actually ridiculous at this point. It is actually funny !". I was amazed. When it overflowed on its' own it left me. I was able to sit down and tackle each thing one at a time clearly and decidely. I must have been fighting against the tide with false hopes. When I gave up trying to swim upstream I saw everything so clearly and the fear left. Things just were and that was what I had to deal with. I could let them get to me or not. From feeling totally powerless I suddenly felt empowered. When I accepted the reality of each thing there was a clear answer to each one (not that they were happy ones,to be sure, but they were answers that solved the problems and would make life better for me later). What a time ! That was several years ago, and now my life is better. You never know what lies before you. Today sucks, and in time it can be so different. Hang on. Let it run through you and out of you. Sometimes there is nothing you can do for awhile. If you accept it for what it is RIGHT NOW you may not feel as stressed fighting something that just has to run its' stupid, ridiculous course. During that time and afterwards I said, " well, maybe its' better to get all the s--t over with in a huge clump, then there won't be anything left to deal with for a really really long time." Letting it all out is good- afterall, why keep it? Take care- Doublejo

Shell: After going through this with 2 husbands and both parents fairly recently, I've found that there is a pause no matter what your reply. I say "thank you, I appreciate that" when they express their sympathy. Then I change the subject by asking them about something else. I've found the person I'm speaking to doesn't know what is expected of them and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable with me. They are concerned about my reaction to such a sensative subject, like I might cry, etc. They feel relieved the awkwardness is over. It works for me and keeps the situation on a lighter tone from then on, and keeps the person from wanting to avoid me later on. I hope this gives you an idea for yourself. Doublejo

Shelley: Shell is right. You can never exactly replace what you lost but you can fill the hole with bits and pieces here and there just as a start. Staying in the house gets to you and makes it worse. We dwell over and over on the same stuff here. Take a walk, go to a store, a movie. Rent them and have them sent by mail to you if you cannot get out. I don't drive, but I forced myself to make new connections. A lot fell flat, some give me a day/night out occasionally. It changes my perspective. That is the key. Getting a different perspective. I got Netflix and watch the movies I'm really interested in. If I lose concentration I don't miss the plot, I rerun it. I stop it when I want to. That feeling of control over my life helps too, because I can take it at my pace. Start anywhere. It doesn't make a difference where. You'll do it. Don't be hard on yourself. This is very very difficult. Doublejo

Your moms' family can do the picnic if they want one that much. They don't seem to be thinking of your feelings. You are not obligated to do anything you feel you are not able to do. After all, you count too. my best- Doublejo

Sounds like you have a good plan. I'm glad things are going back to some sense of "normal" routine. We need that. I feel the same way as you and Shell regarding keeping our grief inside in our own special place. When the anguish has poured out it seems to make room for a "pocket" to hold thoughts and feelings that are personal only to us so the need to talk seems almost irrelevent. The general grief people can sympathize with, but the relating usually can't go any further. Have a good week to you both- Doublejo

LoriS; I'm so happy for you. Isn't it interesting how without outside feedback we think we're still going in the same circle? Just goes to show how important it is to get ourselves out and about even if we feel yucky. You must be some good nail artist to be so fondly thought of. ( not to mention a really nice person). doublejo

I can understand a place being too upsetting to revisit. I had a bad childhood with a dysfunctional family. I have no desire to go back to where I grew up. Sometimes it takes time to find out where you feel comfortable. Take care- Doublejo

It is a compliment that you feel able to come here and open your heart. That is what it's for. I know I would miss you and worry if you disappeared. Doublejo

I also had so much background info I felt overwhelmed where to start,especially since there are time constraints, but it's needed because it gives understanding to our feelings now. Here's what I learned to do: I give a brief overview of a few highlights that connect to my feelings now. I explain that I realize there are time constraints, but this might help you to understand how I feel now. Then I talk about the biggest feelings I'm having right now, so immediate counseling to help me can start. I think they know things are complicated. You can go back to the background that connects to more feelings next time. Break it down into smaller parts. I've learned in life that breaking anything down into smaller parts makes things managable, whether its' cleaning a house , doing paper work, or managing your life. Each time you get a part done is one part less to do. Before you know it, its' all done or is on a managable track. Don't expect what you can't get from your sister. If her responses can't give you what you need at this time, call your counselor and explain your situation on the phone. Something may be able to be worked out. What have you got to lose? Take care, because we do. Doublejo

Maylissa: The pain of losing your little ones is one that I think many of us can share but find it hard to express. When we connect in a special way with the ones who love us and greet us and know us perhaps better and deeper than many humans do it is terribly hard to fill that void. I still miss my springer so very much. He was a special friend with a special personality, even though I have other dogs. He has been gone now for quite awhile, maybe 7 years. Animals have a deeper and clearer sense of things. They aren't boggled up in their minds with all sorts of trivial crap, looking for hidden motives, or having mood swings. They are purer in their being and ther expressions are always sincere and up front. They make a complicated life behave in a rational way. Each of my pets brings me a warmth and joy that is different from each other. Even my step-cockatiels ( from my second departed husband) brings such uniquness and joy. They each have their own personalities. I will probably never find an exact replacement for my springer, so I cherish the extra closeness and love I get from one of my other guys. They are all unique. I know I will feel horrible when my special one goes someday, and of course he will. People have a hard time knowing what to say when your husband dies, let alone a pet. They can't handle the thought because it could happen to them. It disorders them, so they avoid the issue. They sometimes avoid the people too. Yeah- Peoples' coldness can make missing their warmth even harder. I thank G-od He put these wonderful creatures here for us to appreciate. And we do. Doublejo

You are under no obligation to understand or to talk to G-d. You need only deal with what you can. When more anwers come over time then you will be able to take those on . Try not to make it harder for yourself than it already is. Images fade, sometimes better ones appear. Things do change. Each moment of peace can grow into minutes then hours. Grab them when you can. I hope tonight you will find peace in the quiet. my very very best- doublejo

I don't know if this will help, but I can tell you a little something about time. When my first husband of 27 years died I cried and felt terrible. The first 3 years were the hardest. I was so used to him being a part of my life. We ran our business together, etc. Even after I met someone else I cried out of grief for John, but the anguish quieted. I stopped feeling grief after 4 years. Now it is 5 1/2 years and I still feel sadness and will shed tears for my John, but it is now a sadness mixed with happiness for him. It does take a lot of time. Two years is not long at all. I keep moving forward with my life but the love and bond never dies. My inner feelings have changed and I am so glad that I have 27 years that were not wasted by being without someone who cared about me and I him. Please hold on. It is so very painful but as time moves slowly along perspectives can change and hurts mellow. Though I of cause still think of him and my second late husband, (who died last year) I smile more now at the wonderful thoughts of them. I think of them in a different way, like: John knew how to use this tool, let me see if I can remember how he did it, instead of: I wish John was here to help me. Hang on- you are important too. Doublejo

Kayc; I did not realize your late husband also had serious issues. I apologize for my error. All my best. Doublejo

Dearest Shelley. I suppose things could always be different. Would different be better? This reminds me of a story: A man greets a Rabbi. Rabbi asks, "How's things going?" The man, Ben, says: "Well, Rabbi, yesterday my horse died, my wife ran off with another man and I don't feel so good. Things could be better". The rabbi replied: "How do you know?" In other words, we don't know if they could be better if different, they could be worse in another way. Sometimes in our pain we are spared more or worse grief that could have occurred . There are so many "differents" but none of them count. All our lives have "could haves" but only one occurs at a time and that is the one we deal with. Sometimes I think how I would feel right now if I did not know all the people gone from my life. ( I lost both parents and 2 husbands in the span of 4 years) I would have nothing to miss because I never knew them. If I never knew them my life would have been terribly empty and sad. Maybe we need to try and stop comparing our past fulls with todays empties. We must try to refill ourselves with new (and perhaps different) pieces of paste and glue to settle and harden over time rebuilding our strength so we can look back on this period many years from now with the same feelings of fullness and contentment. This really really hurts. But if we have the capacity to carry so much hurt then we can use this capacity to feel comfort in that we knew them and look forward to feeling happiness and peace again. As long as we feel we are open to feeling good things too. Don't let your burdens crush your soul. It is too precious. Doublejo

Kayc: I feel you are being put through things that are not of your making. It doesn't sound like John ever wanted the actual experience of marriage. He has no right to turn you on and off. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for another persons' instability. His behaviour will naturally make you stressed and depressed. Who treats someone that way? You need to find yourself again and feel better without someone who hurts you. A person who cares about you wants to be with you and show you off to his family. It sounds like his reason for marriage has little to do with you. Please don't blame yourself for anothers' disturbed behaviour. He is making you feel worthless because that is the way he is treating you. You are way better than is peculiar opinion. Things were better before because you were with someone better. Sometimes we have to realize its' not us, its' them. No one has the right to dangle you back and forth and hold your feelings hostage. It's nice to want to help people with problems but when their problems destroy us too it's time to rethink our plans. My very best- doublejo

Shelley: I just read this today, so forgive me for this late reply: If you deliberatly wanted and planned to hurt your parents then you could feel guilty. Did you tell the pilot to make the airplane flight extra bumpy? Make the wind extra windy? Did anyone know in advance that they would not be well? No. It was expected to be "a happy event". Would you have preferred to quit school rather than celebrate such a wonderful occasion? Do you not think you were deserving of a celebration for this achievment? Did your parents choose to go on this trip with you? Yes. It was THEIR gift to you. Did you have to go to work? Of course. If your parents were so weak that this trip caused their deaths, then anything they would have done on their own would have caused their deaths. Do you count too? Yes. Should you have stopped living your life because you had ill parents? No. Because they gave you life so that you could live it. Guilt is a too common feeling we trap ourselves in. We cannot be around another person 24 hours a day, nor can we anticipate what MIGHT happen. I am sure things happened to you when others were not there to help you, whether it was a fall from a bike growing up or a trip on the stairs. Whatever happened, it is over. Please try to not let it take your life too by eating you up. My very best- Doublejo

Shelley: Just a thought about Bowmanville: You can't fit in as before because time and events have changed. But if you feel more comfortable there, you can go about your life with the exciting thought that now you can make a new, more comfortable place for yourself, any way you want it to be. Change can be good. It is scary, but I personally have realized that "exciting" is a better way to look at it, for, after all, it really can be. Since you are familiar with Bowmanville, finding your new you and new acquantances is easier. Just by interacting with people regularly you meet people. Being around down people will bring you down and make you feel worse. They are depressing you and stressing you. Changing the environment also puts you in control of your life. The first steps are always the hardest, but they get you there. my best- doublejo

Shelley: Perhaps it's not a question of love or what we deserve. Perhaps it is just that we cannot see or understand for this moment want we need. Sometimes events now help us later on by giving us an understanding, or knowledge that prevents us from missing out on something we wouldn't see if the event/s hadn't happened: a special opportunity lost; a person we might turn aside that belongs in our future. We certainly need things to fill the feeling of emptiness in our hearts and souls. They may be fuller than we realize. The Creator of all things doesn't disappear because we feel a distance at this time. We don't know what we deserve. That is a huge judgement that we cannot make. We can only strive to be the best and most caring person we can be. It is in human nature to strive for more. That is good, because it contains hope and possiblity. One can feel Gods'presence and still need other people. After all, we're human. My very very best- doublejo

Kayc: My heart will be holding you. Doublejo

Shell; Please know that I am thinking of you and my heart goes to you. Take care - Doublejo

MartyT: You made the feelings of anger so much more understandable. The insight of death feeling "wrong" gets to the heart of the matter, I think. Religions certainly do provide various answers and comfort. People need to feel a sense of security and hope that religions can provide. It is encouraging to know that there are many ways for people to find solice. Doublejo

A thought about losing faith: If your loved one couldn't give you something you wanted, would you still love him/her? If your God didn't promise you everlasting happiness and immortalty, would you still worship It? True love and faith doesn't require a gift in return.

Once death is experienced close up, it makes a person think about something that was always very abstract. Death is more real now, but it is still something you must do to know it. The unknown is always scary, and since we cannot know death beforehand, our minds try to make sense of it without any actual knowledge of it. You can belief anything about after your dead without believing in a religion. Religions were created to fill voids in the minds of people, (and of course used to gain power and control). Religion is not G-d. If you believe in a God It will exist whether you acknowledge It or not. A death shakes eveyone up because it changes things. All that was once simple and linear becomes chaotic. It is very difficult for the mind to make sense of this. I suggest that you try to stop forcing yourself to get these answers at this time. Grief is grief. People die all the time and we really have no definitive reason as to why or when. The burden of sorrow is big enough for your shoulders right now and for a long time to come. Let yourself grieve your loss. In time sometimes answers do come. One thing at a time- and remember that this is the way you feel now, and you may not feel this way later. Doublejo (by the way, I had 4 major deaths in 4 years)

Karenb: Know what you mean. I suddenly got into heavy crying for 2 weeks. Sat through a stage show just silently weeping. I'm out of it now. Feel more refreshed and stronger. It is good to get it out, let some more sad go. It lightens the load. I am sorry that you feel sad. But I am glad you knew someone so special to cry over. There are old married couples who you see nitpick each other and make each other miserable. You know what a loving relationship is about. Perhaps we are lucky here that way. A strange thing to say perhaps. doublejo