Susie Q

What Marty has written is oh so true. I would walk around shaking my head for months every time I 'remembered' my husband was gone. I would chant 'it can't be true - how can it be true?'. It was just too awful to contemplate yet I clearly knew it was fact. My denial really was protection against the incomprehensible. I think I would have imploded if I had been forced to admit to myself that it was true in the early days. After six months I am still struck by the enormity of my loss and still have those feelings of being in some nightmare fantasy, but rarely, and with much less emotional trauma. I guess I am starting to be able to deal with it.

John I've realised too that not everything can be planned for and managed well. I can't find the elusive formula/thing/activity or words that will make me or keep me alright with the fact that he's never going to be here with me again. My turning point came when a grief counsellor asked 'what if these horrible feelings never go away?'. I thought long and hard and realised I may have to accept the downs and the 'down furthers' as just the way it is for however long it takes. I don't like it, I don't want it but fighting it made me worse. Accepting that the awful times will come back made me stronger somehow. I take the good times when they arrive , and although I protest the bad times that come without warning, I just let them have their way. I'm still in survival mode after 6 months.

Dear Billhare I am so sorry that you have lost the love of your life. This little community has shared an experience just like yours - so we know.. I have spent the last 6 months without the person who made my life worthwhile and I am only now just starting to feel some relief from the overwhelming grief and pain. It's still horrendous but I am starting to understand what people have been telling me - that I will feel better able to cope with time. Keep telling us about how you feel and keep reading. This site has helped me greatly. My thought are with you...Susie Q

Hello RJ I also miss the caring and sharing. the laughs and the conversation on any and every topic imagineable that we had for 40 years, 32 married. It's been the longest, saddest and hardest 6 months of my life. Today I am just aching to see him. I find it all so unbearable, but then I realise I have been able to bear the last 6 months, so maybe there is some hope. I just try to get through every day the best i can in the way I know he would want me to. I draw strength from him still but still can't believe he's gone. Come back here often - it helps....Susie Q

Dear Sue You have found a good place to just help you get through the darkest times. I lost my husband of 32 years suddenly in August so I know what you mean. I have found tremendous wisdom and support from this group. My thoughts are with you Susie Q

Dear Linda I feel that my being able to 'fake it' among family and friends is some measure of a little adjustment to this new life. I certainly couldn't do that two months ago. Being able to park my raw hurt somewhere else for a short time has allowed me to go to a few family parties and go back at work (with tears flowing in the bathroom or while I'm making a coffee but not in meetings etc). I remain sad and lonely. Who wouldn't after all that we've lost? I think that people have to go on with their lives. I don't blame them for talking about their activities - what choice do they have? I'd hate for all conversation to stop when I come into the room and in reality, it's not just talk of vacations or celebrations that can upset me - what they're cooking for dinner can make me feel desolate. I'm at the 'getting through each hour' stage of grieving. Just hang in there too.

Laurie Of course you feel sad and are hurting. We are all struggling through as best we can, so no need to apologise for that. My friend said to me recently that the people close to me, the ones that know how we felt about each other, expect me to be having a hard time of making this new world a reasonable place to be in, after only six months without him. She said she'd be really worried if I was hitting the town and having a fine time. That helped a lot to put my ongoing feelings in perspective. I know, like everyone here, I miss my husband deeply every minute of every day. I try to say to myself that other people can label the day 'Valentines Day' or it might be his birthday or our anniversary coming up, but I can't miss him any more on those days than I do already. It helps me to have a little mantra like that when I feel the tears building. Don't stay away from here - it's somewhere to feel not so alone.

Thank you. It's been 6 months and I was wondering just last night why I have such an attachment to his things when he is gone. If he came home today he would be able to access all of his belongings and get dressed just as before. I can't bear to clean them out and they really do give me comfort. I'm reassured by your input that I'm doing OK holding onto them and that when the right time comes, I'll know.

John I agree with how you feel. I need the solitude to keep me on track and get me through the next day. After the first week or two I had to fight to send loving and caring people home. They wanted to stay with me in an effort to shelter me from loneliness. But I needed to have the choice of when to be with others. I am back at work now after five months off and I have returned to some of my interests. I now look forward to the times I can be at home alone (or with him and my thoughts, might be more accurate). It's six months today since I lost him. I intend to stay in our home by myself. It's where I feel safest and most settled and where I feel some healing beginning. I sense a glimmer of some healing in your words too.

All of the posts here demonstrate how resilient we are in the face of these overwhelming odds. Just being here on this site is an example of how we are trying to make the best sense of this horror time in our lives. Yesterday I was told (in a nice way) that I would find out as a result of this tremendous loss that I could do more and be more than I ever thought possible. My relative said that the reality is that when you are down the best person to help you get up is yourself. He hastened to add that others want to help but don't know how, so making a start (or having a go at something) lets others see ways they can contribute. I thought they were wise words. Maybe that's the difference John, between feeling like a victim in our bad times, and I wouldn't blame any of us for that, and acting like a victim all of the time.

Dear John I admire your positive spirit even though you may not see it in yourself at the moment. And I wish you strength to help you through the dark times.

I too am overwhelmed and humbled by how much I didn't understand over the years about the effect that losing a partner had on family members and friends. I felt their pain and shared their losses but didn't really comprehend the feelings of utter despair that can surface at any time and the struggle they must have had, every day, just to find a way in this life without the one closest to their heart. I fully understand now where their soft smiles came from, how they accepted minor irritations with a shrug and how they knew when to hold me when I needed it most. Personal growth - yes, but I long for the ignorant days.

My patience, tolerance and willingness to accept advice has been sorely tested over the last 5 horrible months. I have wanted to lash out and respond with a sharp tongue every day. This is not the norm for me and I have been less than gracious on a few occasions (in my defence - due to extreme provocation). I am grateful for my family and friends who see through my hurt and recognise that on these occasions it is my tiredness, fragile emotional state, anger and despair talking and that the 'old me' is still struggling to make a comeback. I feel sorry for Ron B's pain that leads him to so much anger and I admire Marty for her heartfelt response to him. He has reflected on the reactions of others and come back with an apology. This is a sign of character, self-awareness and some inner healing. This site is a truly remarkable 'place'. I'm glad I found it.

And Kath - thank you too. Hearing someone say 'I'm proud of you' has been missing from my life in recent times....Susie Q

Dear John Thank you - your post has now made MY day.I have had you in my thoughts often of late, hoping for some better times for you soon. Your feedback demonstrates the incredible power of words and the importance of sharing feelings in places you feel safe to do so. The great benefit of this site is that others 'know'. I'm surrounded by people who care deeply about me, but they don't really understand the depth of my loss and the despair it has caused me. With best wishes...Susie Q

Maybe you could think of how to phrase it in a positive way if you are worried about being too open with a big group eg Having the support of my extended family at Christmas following my mother's recent passing. People will understand what you mean. Hope it helps.

I worry from time to time about the extreme up and down nature of 'my progress' through this nightmare called grief. After 5 months it's still less up than down. On some days I feel the pain in other posts and feel exactly how the writer is feeling. Other days, I feel better than they describe. I am realising that the times when I am stronger and able to make some attempt at being a functional person again for a short time (things like being with people, returning to work, going back to my previous interests etc)are followed or preceded by really bad times. This was a revelation for me and helps me understand that I seem to draw strength from my meltdowns, which happen now mostly when I am alone or in the company of people I trust. So the good hour/s come at a real cost, but the bad times help me have more good times. Weird perhaps, but it explains a lot and helps me accept that feeling overwhelmed and drowning in despair is not going to last forever. For me, understanding myself in this new world, is coming slowly. And it is helping.

This is a hard one. Music really sends me spiralling downwards sometimes, but that's because the memories that go with the song are so wonderful. I went to a Ronan Keating concert last week fully expecting to hear him sing a popular song of his that my husband loved. And sure enough it was Song No 2. I cried all the way through the song, for the rest of the show and have been teary ever since. He did do so many things every day for 32 years to let me know how much he loved me - and I cling to that fact every minute. Here's the web address and the words: "If Tomorrow Never Comes" Sometimes late at night I lie awake and watch her sleeping She's lost in peaceful dreams So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark And the thought crosses my mind If I never wake up in the morning Would she ever doubt the way I feel About her in my heart If tomorrow never comes Will she know how much I loved her Did I try in every way to show her every day That she's my only one And if my time on earth were through And she must face this world without me Is the love I gave her in the past Gonna be enough to last If tomorrow never comes 'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life Who never knew how much I loved them Now I live with the regret That my true feelings for them never were revealed So I made a promise to myself To say each day how much she means to me And avoid that circumstance Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel If tomorrow never comes Will she know how much I loved her Did I try in every way to show her every day That she's my only one And if my time on earth were through And she must face this world without me Is the love I gave her in the past Gonna be enough to last If tomorrow never comes So tell that someone that you love Just what you're thinking of If tomorrow never comes

Dear John Please take heart from what everyone is telling you. This site keeps me sane and on track in my very worst moments and I have drawn comfort from what I read here. I know that how you are feeling is unbearable and you can see no way of getting through it. But you will. After 5 months I am just starting to feel some small elief from the overwhelming burden and pain of my raw grief and I didn't believe it was ever going to be possible. You should feel reassured that if so many of us can associate with how you are feeling, it's part of his horrific nightmare world we find ourselves in, but obviously it is also part of the slow recovery process. I'll be truthful and say that things aren't even close to be marginally OK even now. The pain is still there in a big way but some times it's manageable and I feel the beginning of some confidence that I will be able to claw my way back to something close to being a functioning person. The best way I can describe it is that my days are starting to feel dark grey while my nights are still totally black, but at least it's better than 24 hours of 'all black'. Please let the pain come - just surrendering to it whenever it demanded my attention helped me more than I can tell you. With all my best wishes for some hours of peace for you...Susie Q

Oh John, I'm so sorry. I understand the feelings you describe because I have many times like that too, but after 5 months, I don't feel that way every minute of every day anymore. I know it's tough and the despair can be overwhelming. I believe I hit rock bottom at about three months after my husband died. I turned a major corner in my grieving just a few weeks ago when I decided not to rail against the pain and wish it away. I decided just to accept it because really I have no other choice. Somehow not fighting myself makes me feel more settled and has given me back some inner strength. I've gone through the motions of living every horrible day since August but here it is in January and although I didn't think it would be possible, I am starting to feel a bit more in control. I don't miss him any less, think of him any less or cry any less, but what is different is that the gaping and raw wound in soul has started to heal over just a little bit. It feels good. Hang on and just keep doing the ordinary things of life, even though they bring you no pleasure at the moment so that your mind and body can do what they have to do to start to heal. All good wishes to you, today and every day...Susie Q

When people look at how I'm doing, they do it from their perspective, from within their world that really hasn't changed much at all. While they may care, most people can park their concern for me any time they like and just get on with their own life. For us, we have to find our place in a world that is now profoundly different. And not for the better! It's pretty easy to understand why we are not acting the same or seem as resilient as we were before. I always thought that there was me, and there was him, and together, as a couple, we were one great team. We had individual interests and friends and also many shared interests and shared friends. A great life. What I'm finding now, is that the 'ME' side of things seems to have gone into hiding but I believe it's still there. Yes, I'm struggling to create (and cope with) a life without him, just as you are. But I am making some progress. That's a pretty good indicator of our inner strength in the face of this great loss we are dealing with. Trust yourself....Susie Q

I am feling like you are all writing my reply for me. I returned to week last week after 5 months off and I associate with everything you say. Work is the same but I find it hard to get through leaving in the morning- missing the breakfast routines of many years and the goodbye kiss at the car and then finding my anxiety building in the early afternoon when I think about going home without him there. I had the opportunity to go home one day last week because of maintenance problems on site. Everyone else left in ten minutes but I lingered at work for a few more hours, alone and in tears, becuase home isn't the wonderful place it used to be. Just another set of things to go through and get over, I guess.

Hello Rochel and John Many similarities. I think I have also turned a corner in deciding that I have to find a way to go on. I catch a fleeting glimpse of a possible future from time to time when I realise that it's been a few hours since I was in tears, or that I've been inteacting with others and having a pleasant time. That's something that was impossible for me a little while ago and shows me that I am starting to recover a little from the trauma that this great and sudden loss imposed on me. It's been 5 months now and I am trying to fashion a life that is at least enjoyable without him, but I'm certainly not anywhere close yet. I walk and talk and do things like normal people, but at my core, everything is pretty much a grey colour. No highs and lows when I'm out because all I am doing is trying to fill in time. Perhaps enjoyment of those activities will take a long time to return but I am hopeful that it will. I've lowered my expectations and know that it will never be the wonderfully full and contented life that we enjoyed so much. I still feel safest and most comfortable at home and experience lots of incredibly sad times when I am alone. I don't feel guilty about hoping to have some fun in the future. I know that it's what he would want, indeed he would expect it of me. Good luck in your struggles too - I know how hard it is...Susie Q

Dear John When your life faces a crisis like this it's only natural that your inner strength is low or gone completely for some time. That makes all of us very vulnerable to other people's comments and assesments of how we should be 'coping' at any given point. I find that coping as a concept is greatly overrated and not having my husband here with me to put important things into persepctive is one of the greatest losses that I feel. I quickly found out that people react to me in a range of ways. Most people were well meaning but a few of them feel the need to give advice that is totally foreign to me - the stop moping around/he would want you to be strong/you can't hide away forever type of messages. All they do is make me feel a failure and cause me extra stress and burden that I don't need. Unfortunately their voices also seem to wipe out and overshadow all the wonderful support I get from many, many others. With the help of a counsellor, I have stood back and assessed what I feel I have lost without my husband here with us. The list is full of huge things that affect the core of who I am as an individual, and who we had become as a couple, as family members and as community members. The counsellor led me to a point where I understand that any functioning person would naturally be traumatised by such losses and also that it is reasonable that it will take me a lot of time to get over this and readjust my life back to some balanced place, where I feel even a little bit happy. What she has really helped me do is to regain some trust and confidence in my own assesment of how I am going, and take less notice of everyone else's reactions to me. She also talked to me about some possible strategies for handling others. As i become more in control of my outward emotional state I have started to open up only to those people whose opinions I value and whose reactions I can trust to make me feel better. I avoid where possible the other type of people, but not wanting to sever important relationships, I smile and accept the silly advice where I have to, shrugging them off and knowing they haven't got a clue. For me, it's less traumatic and personally damaging to modify my behaviour than to try and change theirs or to cause a family/friendship breakup. This course of action has given me some peace. I know we shouldn't have to do this, and it's hard, but it's not a perfect world out there. It is working for me. Seek out the few who have only your best interests at heart and stay close to them. They will be the ones who understand 'the fog' you are in and feel comfortable letting you stay there for as long or whenever you need to. And come to people on this site - they do understand. Good luck...Susie Q

Dear Bren I am so sorry that you need to be here but glad you are. My husband died 5 months ago suddenly and we had just celebrated 32 years of our wonderful marriage, so I, like many others here, totally understand how you are going. You will find much comfort and support from what is written here - the deeply personal and the mundane all get addressed. You'll also hear from people who have been where we are in the past and they will give you hope that there is a future waiting for you. I'm struggling - doing the best I can. Some days sad but OK, other days desperately unhappy and highly emotional. Everyday and every minute missing the happy and fulfilling life I once had. Keep writing about how you feel and you will receive lots of wonderful advice and support.....Susie Q