Susie Q

Dear Suzanne As I read your post I can see myself in your words - crying alone and wondering how I will bear the unbearable for one more hour. The first few months are a blur of pain and confusion, and after that the pain and confusion stay but are mixed with the awful dawning truth that this loss is real and forever. That's where you are now. I ask myself many times a day - how can this have happened to us? In my case we had dinner one night, he went to the garage to finish something for an hour, came back inside showing the first signs of a cerebral haemmorrhage and died three days later. Fit, healthy, active, no medical problems and full of life - and then just gone. I don't know how, but I have survived the eight months since I lost him. I've hated every minute of that time, but now am back at work after six months and seem to be 'coping' to the outside world. What I'm really doing is just filling in the days. You will gradually be able to do more of what you have to do but take it at your pace. The crying, fear, despair and sadness are all attempts by your mind to assimilate the unthinkable. No wonder it makes us feel so horrible for such a long time. Over the next few months the fog will start to lift and although the pain stays you will start to manage it better. I couldn't see it happening either, but here I am - full of longing to just talk to him but strong enough to try to try again tomorrow to carve some sort of life for myself. Wishing you some comfort in your sorrow...Susie Q

Lainey I guess you were better - for a short time - because you had some control of the overwhelming feelings of despair, panic, and loss that we all still feel deeply. That's a good sign even though they came back with a vengeance. I find that for me it's a constant battle of who's in charge. I've started to accept that there will be times when these feelings are just too strong and they will win. For many, many months they were the boss of me. What I can do now, eight months on, is pick the time that I'll give in to them. That's when I let myself have the really bad nights with lots of crying and usually no sleep, mostly followed by a day or two of peace. I put my faith in Kay C, and others, who tell us that eventually the time between these bad spells gets longer. I am hanging out for that time too....Susie Q

Dear Suzanne I totally agree with what you have said about this situation and eight months later, I'm still in the deepest, darkest place on the inside and feeling that 'recovery' is pretty impossible. I miss the feeling of just being happy in life. I didn't take it for granted and we cherished our time together and with family and friends(32 years married) but that makes me even sadder. What I struggle with is, if I'm going to be here for 2, 10, or 20 years more, what can I do to make my life better. He had such a positive view on life and I know he would expect me to try to make a life without him. And I am trying to work towards that, because frankly, and as you clearly know, it's almost unbearable like this. No answers so far - I'm just filling in time and hoping, but I do know that I am now back at work, am doing things that were impossible months ago and starting to be a bit more forward thinking, even if I don't look forward to anything anymore! It is so very hard when it seems like everything that made me the person I was, went with him. I won't ever be the same but I have come to the conclusion lately that I have to try to find some place in life that's OK for me. I guess that means I am slowly starting to fall into the 'willing to try to make my life at least bearable' category. What other choice is there?

Eight months for me and starting to have some reasonable hours/days but this week was the worst it has been for many months. I took one week's leave - still incredibly tired so I thought a 'break' during our downtime would help. I turned out to be very wrong - waking up at home 'on holidays' in an empty bed and an emptier house set the scene for two days of crying and desolation. Had things planned with friends and managed to get through them but as soon as I returned home it was on again. Thought I was going back to how I was after I lost him last year. Then on the third morning I woke up still really sad but OK and the week improved from there. I try to learn something from these trials - not sure what this lesson was. Maybe just to expect setbacks knowing I'll get through it. I've yet to do birthdays and anniversaries but they are looming too so maybe this was a rehearsal. Don't think I'll ever get over it - one year Furkid isn't long, even though we all know each day seems like an eternity without them. A little late but Happy Birthday from me too...Susie Q

Dear Suzanne Over the last eight months going to family and special events without my husband has been one of the hardest things I've had to endure. I didn't return to work for five months, I stayed away from my interests and community fundraising because it was just all too much to bear but I knew that by not going to 'special' events I would hurt a lot of people who cared about me, and like you, that has been the only reason I've attended. I was anxious for weeks before the first couple and I cried at how I would cope. It's not about being there alone, but more that he won't be there with me. I also didn't want the attention from big groups and it was a fear of how I would react. A counsellor told me that this is a common trauma faced during grief. She suggested that as soon as I arrive, I say to the host or family members, 'I'll probably only stay a little while - it's still really hard for me.' So that's what I did at the first one and although it took me a couple of stops on the way there to compose myself and I arrived an hour late, I made it to my niece's 21st and I stayed two hours. I wanted to run away every minute but I didn't. When the tears started to really build I said my goodbyes and people were caring and understanding. Since then I've been to about five other big things and I've used the same tactic, and do you know what, it does get easier. Last night I went to another family birthday party and I stayed for four hours and drove straight there - no crying stops on the way. I did cry all the way home, but at least that's some progress to be proud of. Also I find that there are some small but wonderful moments at each of these functions - a caring word or a remembrance of him that warms my heart. One last thing - it might look like people just get on with their lives after they lose someone, and I too questioned how they could, and knew that for me I would never recover from such a loss. What I know very clearly now, is that it's all a mask. You struggle to present yourself to the world in a certain way but it's not how you feeling on the inside. I can't say I've enjoyed any of these events and that's another huge loss we suffer - just the joy of being part of an extended family group and loving the time we share together. Every day will continue to be a trial but I think that maintaining past relationships is very important at this time. I also feel he would want me to keep family connnections strong. Go for a little while - and keep going even though it will be so very hard. I wish you well...Susie Q

Dear Closs There's nothing to say except I am so very sorry this has happened to you. My husband died after a cerebral haemmorhage last August - no warning and no medical problems previously. I have lost my whole life too but I'm still trying every day to make him proud of me. It's all I have to cling to and all that keeps me going. Sometimes I can see the possibility of better times ahead and I guess that is slow healing at work, but I know I won't ever feel the same joy and happiness we had of simple pleasures and big decisions shared. You will go through much extreme heartache in the next few months and it will hurt more than words can describe - no point saying it won't. I believe that's the cost of having loved someone so dearly and of having been loved that way in return. But the people here can really help, especially in the very early days when you feel like you are the only person on the planet who really knows what it's like. Come back often....Susie Q

Dear Chrissie I lost my wonderful husband of 32 years suddenly in August last year - fit, strong, active and healthy so there was no warning. Traumatic and disabling are the only two words to describe these last eight months but I have survived them even though some days I didn't think I could. Everything you describe is familiar to everyone here so just go with the flow and don't put (or let anyone else) give you expectations or deadlines of how you should be feeling.It's up and down, hour by hour at first, and then it's like that day by day. It's a long road that you are on, and a very hard one as you know. I was told by a counsellor that these awful feelings demand to be acknowledged and a path to getting back into the world is to make a definite time in your day/night when you are alone, to let them have their way. I was sceptical but gave it a try. I found it took away my fear of being a mess in public and it's still is a way for me to control myself when I feel the need to run away from a gathering or when I want to scream at people - yes, eight months on it's still like that! I found it really helps to just give myself permission to have a great cry at night. I still feel the full brunt of the tension, despair and heartache but evenings at home I can control what happens during the day now nnd how I resact to people. Strangley, the breakdowns give me some peace and strength to start again the next day and helps me get through bumps at work or with friends. This site and the regulars who post here are a godsend and help me understand much about what I am experiencing. I come back often to ground myself - and read and learn about this heartbreaking process. I hope you will too...Susie Q

I don't know officially, but I certainly feel married. I hated the term 'widow' but when I said that to an older lady friend of mine, she smiled knowingly and said you should tick the box proudly because it is an acknowledgement of your wedding vow ....when you said 'till death do you part'. I liked that.

Dear Alone 27 The pain of missing someone is like nothing else. I also had no warning that my husband would die. You'll find that you do bear the unbearable - don't ask me how! At eight months on, I cry and feel the physical agony of his loss every minute, but then to most of the outside world - I'm coping. It took me 6 months to be able to seem 'normal' - I look forward to a day when it feels even a tiny bit that way. I'm so sorry that you too are hurting like this. This site is a great help to me - return ofen...Susie Q

Yes Suzanne - it all seems so meaningless and grey now. And I fear it will be like that for me for a long, long time. Accepting that it was going to be that way has made it just a little easier for me and it lets me use what little inner strength I have to do something positive each day. I hope you too find some solace over time..Susie Q

Dear Suzanne I am so very sorry that you are feeling this pain because I know what it feels like too. It is probably one of the hardest things to go through because you really are alone, even when you are surrounded by loving and caring people. In the very early months all you can do are those things that feel right to you - things that bring you some short reprieves from the agony or at least give you the chance to let the agony wash over you without any added pressures to 'be strong' or 'buck up because that's what Danny would have wanted'. If you have no medical problems involved then everything you describe can be part of this awful road - the emotional ups and downs, the feelings of bewilderment, the belief that you'll never be well again, the inability to see a future and the absolute physical pain of grief that ends in exhaustion. A counsellor helped me see that these feelings are the 'cost' of having loved someone so deeply and that I should expect to feel this way when he, and all that he was to me, is now gone(love/security/company/laughter/sharing/ care/support etc etc to name just a few). She really helped me to understand that I wasn't being hysterical, losing my mind, or being indulgent. She said I had a right to feel lost and disoriented and only had a 'problem' if this persisted indefinitely. For me, I got most comfort for many months from being at home alone, seeing people for short periods of time every day at places where I could make a quick getaway when I needed to, and just generally giving myself space and time to comprehend and somehow come to terms with what had just happened and what it meant for my life now. It takes many months for any sense of equilibrium to return and even then it's shaky. It's nearly eight months since I lost the one who made my life shine. I'm existing and functioning in public but not really living. When I'm alone it's a different story - I revert to the tears and tantrums and continue to protest this terible loss, but every day I get up to try again. I still can't believe on an emotional level that he is gone, even though I clearly know it's true. It's going to take me a long time to accept his loss and be grateful for having been loved by him so deeply for many years. At the moment, like you and everyone else here, I just want him back. Come back to this site often to read and post - it will help you understand that although you feel helpless now, there are others who are struggling through - and this will give you some strength to continue trying too. Take care...Susie Q

Dear all I was with my husband for most of the four days he was in hospital after a massive and sudden cerebral haemorrhage. I held him while our family and friends said goodbye in the final hours and then I held adults and children while they cried unconsolably.And I was with him for the 16 hours after they pronounced him brain dead until the time they came and took him to the operating theatre to become an organ donor. I watched them wheel him away as he just disappeared from my life for ever. I don't think I 'said' anything to him on the last day but every ounce of my being was with him. He had my love, my care, my respect, my gratitude and my heart. He knew he had those things when he was alive and I believe he could feel them from me at the end. If you showed your loved one how much you cared in life, and I know you did because you hurt so much now without them, you didn't need to say anything at the end. They just knew......That's what I believe, anyway. I guarantee that if we could ask any one of them, they would say that they knew how much they were loved and nothing else mattered. I wish you some peace on this one....Susie Q

Dear Jeannine I'm sorry that you have recently lost the person who made your life complete. My husband died suddenly nearly 8 months ago and I still feel numb and just an observer in my own life. I don't have the family issues you describe but I know that everything that is happening to you and around you now, is intensified. It helped me to know from caring people here that these high levels of emotion, the ups and downs from one hour to the next and the feelings of disorientation and being overwhelmed are 'normal' and they will eventually ease a little. I struggle every day to get up and try to refashion something like a day that he would want for me, but to keep trying is important. I too feel sometimes like the only person on the planet, even when I'm in a crowd of familiar faces. You need to lean on those that give you what you need at this time - sometimes it's family; sometimes it's friends and sometimes help comes from unlikely places. Trust what you think is best for you. Putting one foot in front of the other without placing unrealistic demands on yourself is also important. I had six months off work and did a lot of staring at walls during that time, but that's what I needed to do at first. Having said that I accepted good advice and went out somewhere every day, even on the days I had to force myself to do it, but it helped give me a routine. Auto-pilot was the state I was in for months. Come back often to read and talk about how you feel, especially when you feel like no-one else understands. It's sad, but everyone here does know. With my best wishes...Susie Q

Dear Nats When the loss is so very recent it's natural to believe that the incredible physical, mental and emotional pain of missing your loved one won't ever go away, even for a minute. I survived the first four months by just letting the overwhelming grief happen whenever. I can't say the pain is any less now but I can function in the world and do things, like be at work, that I never thought would be possible again. The deep hurt is always close to the surface but I seem to be able to decide now (most of the time) when I will let it engulf me. From those awful times I seem to draw strength enough to get up and have another go tomorrow. It's now seven months since I lost my husband.I don't know where the time has gone, but by the same token I know I've lived every minute of it. I ache just to talk to him and hold him , but somehow I am finding the strength to recover just a little. I so miss being happy and feeling fulfilled but will try over time to build some kind of a life without him - he would want for me to do that. You shouldn't feel disappointed that you can't do 'normal' things for yourself. I accepted, with lots of help from people here who knew more than me, that my life was a long way from normal now, that I was dreadfully wounded, and that it was OK to take some time to just find myself again. We know your pain only too well but we can reassure you that some better hours will eventually come. Susie Q

Dear IM Blessed I hope to move someday to a sense that I am at peace with having had my husband in my life for nearly 40 years rather than feeling his complete physical absence from me every minute of every day. If you are functioning in the real world and finding the inner strength to do that through your religion then it's a good thing. I know that the initial few weeks/months for me were a blur of pain and people coming and going. I got through what I had to and was a mess most of the time. Then just when I thought I was over the worst of it and feeling OK, a big crash occurred. I think that was when the protective mode that I had been in, started to wear off. I started to really understand the finality of this huge loss - I knew it, but I hadn't really been able to comprehend the full weight of 'forever gone'. I still shake my head in disbelief many times a day that this has happened to us even though I've been without him for 6 months. It's important to stay positive but just be prepared for the possibility of a change in the way you are feeling. Most people on this site talk about the ups and downs of grief....Susie Q

Dear Linda G I know what you mean about getting outside questions about your future. It isn't as easy as making a plan, is it? It is six months since my husband died. I had the final five months of last year off work because I didn't see how I could function. I was walking and talking - probably coping according to the outside world - but still a complete mess inside. I felt the need to regroup from such a devasting blow. I came to the conclusion over that time that I didn't have to 'get my life back together', find the 'new me' or 'make plans' to anybody's standard or timetable. The new me is just what they see on a daily basis, and sometimes it's good and other times I'm not feeling as strong. I can't turn my life back into what it was like before - and I don't want to make up a new one, so for now my life is just unfolding daily. I'm in it but not planning, directing or shaping it, like I was before for us, because frankly I don't see any point just yet. I wouldn't know which way to head even if I had the energy or the inclination. I can't imagine living in another home even though this one is big. He's with me here everywhere, so until I feel like I want to move, this will be where I'll stay. I can afford that option, but others may not be so lucky. I made the decision to go back to work in January. It seemed like the right step at the time and didn't involve me doing anything new. You are right, you don't have the energy or drive to take on huge challenges when daily living is such an emotional effort. For me, work is OK, full of wonderful people, but it's coming home that gives me the heartache. I thought I was through that, but apparently not. My 'plan' or goal is to try to regain some interest in or happiness from life. I'll do things as and when I need to and try to get back to some semblance of the positive, fun loving and fulfilled person I was, only a few months ago. At the moment I don't see that happening ever without him in my life, but then again I am bearing (with great difficulty) what I thought was going to be unbearable, so I feel there could be hope for me. My advice would be to trust your inner voice and work on the parts of your life that are ocupying your thoughts the most. They are there for a reason. You have my deepest understandings and all my good wishes...Susie Q

Angie I understand how you feel. After a few weeks I had to ask my friends and family to resume their life. They didn't want me to be alone, but I craved the freedom to cry when I wanted and sit and stare at walls when I needed that too. I diidn't want to watch TV, sit down for meals or behave as if everything was the way it had been before. At two weeks it is all so raw for you. Socialising even with loved ones can be beyond bearable, I found. I felt like a caged lion under those circumstances and that was with people just staying over not living there. Maybe you could state what you need and how you are feeling and just ask for their advice. Alternatively, are there quiet places you can escape to for a few days at a time - other children, sisters? Just let me say that it's 6 months since my husband died - I still have no idea what the 'new normal' for me is. You may need to give yourself much more time before you can work this out. Best wishes ...Susie Q

Men often feel the need to cope differently. I used 6 months of sick leave to help me through the loss of my husband. And I felt sick. I'm back at work and just barely hanging in there now. Maybe he's worried that you are slipping into a state that's serious, and just expressed that harshly. A day in bed to recharge your batteries, regain some inner strength and maybe just help with the physical exhaustion is good sense if that's what you feel you need. It's not 'dysfunctional'. Talk to him about what you need and why it helped.

Dear Sharon You honour your husband every day by thinking of him as lovingly as you do. I have just reached the six months mark of my great loss. Having got here I feel that I will be OK at sometime in the future, and so will you. I'm guessing that like me, at the start you couldn't see how you could possibly live without him for six months or a year. So while the time passes slowly and the joy of life is missing, we (and all here on this site) are struggling to make the best of it. That's an achievement and another milestone of a different type. I wish you some comfort and happier times ahead...Susie Q

I am so sorry that you are feeling the depths of despair that I also didn't know existed until I lost my husband of 32 years (40 together)in August 09. I hope you will return as often as you need to. This site has helpe dthrough some very dark patches. Susie Q

Lucia It seems like a sensible plan - to try before you do something more permanent. Your Ben would want you to do what feels right for you - that's what true love means and I know from your posts that's what you had. How wonderful that your daughter's in-laws have offered you this opportunity. You sound excited at the prospect and that is something that we lack (and miss greatly) when our life has been devastated by a terrible loss - the days can seem endless and the future bleak. You asked for opinions so I would say - trust your instincts, make no promises to anyone, keep your own counsel for a while and decide in the end what will be best for you. Looking forward to hearing how it goes. Best wishes...Susie Q

Dear Gary Today is 6 months since the day my husband died after a cerebral haemmorhage only 3 days before. I know for me that the black hole is always just one step away. Sometimes I avoid it, other days, well, I guess I just surrender to all the nasty things it brings my way. My worst cries and depressions (which I can now hide from most people) seem to give me strength to pick myself up and start again the next day. Just getting through the day is what is important to me now. What I do know is that clawing out of the black time for the first time, is by far the hardest. So you know that you can do it again. My hope is that your feelings of inner strength make a comeback soon. And come back here to 'talk'.

Dear Korina and others This is so strange. I have my seen my husband twice in 6 months in my dreams but he just smiled his wonderful smile at me. Why don't they talk? I long to talk with him, even in a dream.

Dear Sharon I hope you have a birthday where you are able to remember some good times amidst the overwhelming loss you will be feeling. As for your friend, it's pretty inconcevable that she would not know, or at least have the sensitivity not to ask. Real friends get over bumps, mistakes and hard times. If you can do that it will show you how your really feel about her.

Dear Lucia and Sharon I'm thinking of you both as you struggle up to these hard days. My hope is that you both will be able to find some part of the day when you also get some comfort from the wonderful times you shared with your loved one. Memories will never be enough, but it's all we have now to cling to.