Susie Q

John I understand your feeling and fear that you may be 'getting worse'. For me, overwheming despair comes in cycles and just when I think I'm making some progress and dealing better with it, it slams me down again. All that I have read, tells me to expect it and give it the attention it demands. So that is what I do. When the loneliness and depression is at its peak, and sometimes it visits for quite a while, I retreat and do whatever makes me most comfortable. In my case, being at home or being with the few people that make me feel most secure, is my treatment. I also manage better at those times if I find a reason to go out for some part of the day or the evening, however short. Perhaps that's what progress will be for me for a long time - just taking on the day, no matter what it brings. At the moment it's being out there and trying to rejoin the world when I can, and being down and in my cave when I need to be. I wish you some comfort in the days ahead....Susie Q

Hi All This topic is so important and timely. My husband certainly was my handyman (in fact everyone's handyman in our family/friends circle/neighbourhood). I've done nothing mechanical, technical, maintenance or building related that required physical skill for the whole 32 years of our marriage. I was more the colour consultant, the interior decorator, the shopper, the garden waterer and the inspector of what need to be fixed etc. It worked so well. He took great pleasure in building and fixing and nothing was ever a bother. So since August I've repaired, planted, replaced,fixed,hired tradesmen,supervised work and generally stepped up wherever possible. Other people have also helped with either advice or practical asistance when the task was beyond me. I'm lucky to live in a beautiful new home that he built mostly with his own hands so the things left to do and any repair woes are small, compared to what others here are dealing with. It's also summer here so my tasks are easier, I'm sure. Even so, I am taking great pride in tackling these new things alone, and keeping our home in the state he felt important. It's really another way that I try to pay tribute to him. And I know he would be sure I can do it, but I still want my handyman back! I really admire you all for having the will and determination to go on so boldly,in the face of such incredible personal losses - it's so much harder than other people know. This site gives me strength and encouragement because I don't feel so alone in my struggle. Your posts about the deeply personal nature of your loss and your words about coping with even the mundane effects have a profound and positive influence on me. Thank you.

Congratulations Debbie. I return to work next week - haven't been back since August 18th. Your post has given me more courage to believe I can press forward through this difficult step. I'm not concerned about the people who I know, will be wonderful. It's all the other things. He won't be waiting for me downstairs to see if I need anything carried to the car, no kiss and smile on the way out, no phone call ever again during the day to see if he could start dinner in some way or to tell me some news. I never took any of those caring ways for granted. I just want him back! I know there'll be lots of tears at work but if they want me, the tears are part of the package.

Babs There are people that just have no idea. And sometimes black humour is the only response. You made me laugh too. Thank you. I watched a women's panel on grieving that was referred to in another post on this site. One of the panel members said 'Nobody would ask a leg amputee after a few months " Are you over that leg thing yet?" My most insensitive comment came three weeks after my husband's stroke when an acquaintance said to me "At least you are young enough to find somebody else". My response was "Do you think it would be too soon to move someone in next week?" She avoids me now - and I'm fine with that. Our loss is invisible and insensitive people have moved on because their life is totally unaffected. What they don't understand is that as well as missing our loved one's presence, we are missing our whole life as we knew it. Every single aspect of it. I didn't fully grasp the magnitude of despair that you feel before it happened to me. Having said that, I at least have had enough common sense and compassion in the past to be there for the long haul for others who had lost someone.

Dear All I wanted to share a shining moment in my day today- and there haven't been many of these since August. I came home to find a thank you letter, passed on by the Organ and Tissue Donation Society, from the recipient of my husband's liver. All I know is that he is a young man with small children. He was sensitive to my feelings and acknowledged my great loss, observing that someone generous enough to be listed as an organ donor must have been a wonderful person who will always be very greatly missed. He spoke of 'having been given his life back' through this great gift and how it had affecteded his immediate and extended family. He wrote about the wonder he experienced this Christmas and how their family celebrations were filled with hope for the future and abounded with love. He told me that his mother had set an extra plate, and put a lighted candle on it, as a tangible reminder of the donor and their family and in recognition of the pain we would be feeling forever. He said it was the start of a new and important tradition that would remain in their family. I'm highly emotional about this correspondence. I know from some of your posts that there are people here on this site because your loved ones did not get the transplant they needed in time. To have saved this family (and seven others) from also feeling our great pain is something for me to cling to. Nothing could have prevented my husband's death from such a massive cerebral haemorrhage - I know that. This letter comforts me by providing 'proof' that significant good, in fact, good beyond measure, has accompanied it. Lots of tears flowing, but at least today they seem to be of a different variety. Susie Q

Dear Kat New Year was harder than Christmas for me and I'm feeling pretty low at the moment too. I'll never let go of one minute of the 40 years in total that I spent with my husband. He gave me a card some years back that said 'Love is when a lifetime isn't enough'. How true. A recent reply by Marty on this issue, which included quotes from others, really helped me. The essence of what I took from these words was that 'letting go' refers not to losing any precious memories or feelings, but more about finding a way (and a time) to be free of the intense pain I feel and to be ready and able to choose to live in the world with him incorporated into who I have to become now - not by choice, but because that's just the way it has to be. I'm not there yet and after only four months without him, I can't even imagine being there. I protest this situation with sadness every minute of every day, but I have a deep trust that it's possible to go forward and get some pleasure out of life again. I know it's what he would want for me and how he would tackle this situation if it was me who was gone. I continue to draw strength from what I know of how he lived his life, and his thoughts and feelings about things. So he is still my guide, my strongest supporter and my anchor. It's only natural that none of us would want to let go of the precious gift of having shared time and love with a special person. I say cherish 2009! I hope some parts of the days ahead are brighter for you soon...Susie Q

Thank you Sharon I like that thought very much. From it I take that that just being me, quietly, is probably good enough at this unbearable time. Susie Q

Hello All I made it through Christmas and so did you. The sense of shock that I felt in August when my life suddenly changed forever returned and I think it was a good thing - possibly a sort of protective mechanism that made me more of an observer than a participant during the festivities. At some level I was able to cope with that and deal better with my emotions and the feelings of others who were also desperately missing the wonderful man who should have been there with us. And now New Year looms large - the night he proposed to me 33 years ago; the night we always laughed at things from the past year; the time we planned the priorities for the year ahead and the absolute deadline for deciding on a holiday destination (sometimes exotic, sometimes mundane)for the coming year after months of discussion. We thought NYE was just another fun night, but now, on reflection, it was such an important and wonderful night because it celebrated us as a couple - so very much attached yet independent, and looking forward to the future. I have no life plans now and feel like I have nothing of importance to look forward to - so not me! And inevitably another NYE is coming.... Two very wonderful female friends, both divorced, who also loved him dearly, have organised tickets for dinner and then a show. They want to fill in the time for us all because they say a 'Happy New Year' at home waiting for midnight isn't going to be the way it is. I guess I'll go and just let it wash over me. I've decided to wish myself 'happy memories' this year and just get through it as best I can. It's early days I know, and the saying 'great love, great loss' is so painfully true. So my wish for you is that you also find some comfort from your happy memories amongst your sadness at midnight. And for us all, I hope for a 2010 filled with small but positive steps towards recovering some balance and joy in our lives. I know that this would be his New Year wish for me, and from all that you've written about your loved ones, I know they wish that for you too.....Susie Q

Dear All It's early Christmas morning here - I'm not feeling too merry but I still send everyone lots of affection and my hopes that you will have a day with family and friends that will help sustain you through the incredible sadness. Thank you for your replies and words of encouragement and support. I have needed them. This is the first Christmas morning that I won't see him for nearly 40 years - and 32 years without Christmas presents opened on the bed. It's a lifetime really, and it's been one filled with love and happiness. It was not supposed to be like this, but here I am. Here we all are, I guess. I know that eight families somewhere are laughing and celebrating with hugs and kisses (and good health and sight) because of his commitment to organ donation. I am sure that many people in their family circle are also thinking of the wonderful person who gave their loved one this great gift. That's a nice thought. Not looking forward to the Christmas lunch or dinner - I'll be surrounded by people who are also desperately missing him - is that comforting or adding to my misery? Not sure! But it's what I need to do because sleeping through it all is just not an option. I'll have him in my heart and will keep him close beside me today as I ry to enjoy the blessings of family love and support. With all my good wishes for this Christmas day...Susie Q

Dear All People say it takes time, but time is my enemy. Seventeen weeks after his sudden death and I still don't believe it. When reading your posts I just want to reply ditto to them all - difficulty with shopping, Christmas decorations yes/no, the cards addressed to only me, waking up on Christmas morning alone, no sleep, the empty bed, the constant feeling of despair, wanting to see and share with him so desperately, bouts of crying, up and down moods, the lack of meaning in anything previously important, the withdrawal from life ......etc It seems that if we all loved deeply and we are all experiencing these things then they must be a natural part of loss and deep attachment but I wonder how/if I can get through it. I don't have thoughts of harming myself but the thought of being in this place long term is equally terrifying. I just seem to be one big contradiction - I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be with people. He thought I was strong - but I don't feel it. I'm trying to keep a positive spirit because that is what he would want, but sometimes I just don't see how I'll get through a life without him. This forum always helps me. Thanks for being there. I feel close to you all even though you are across the Atlantic. I hope for better times for all of us soon... Susie Q

I'm also dreading NYE more. It was the night he proposed by telephone - I was in London. We sometimes went out but preferred the New Years we are able to spend at home. Nice meal, snuggled, laughing and remembering. I'll be home, snuggled and remembering but so alone. My first of many, I predict. Hard to find some positive in that thought. At the moment the memories just aren't enough!

Mrs B You are not alone. I can't bring myself to send Christmas cards this year, receiving them addressed to just me is distressing (but what else can people who care do?). I will buy a few gifts if I can stay in the shops long enough to purchase them. I have tried a couple of times to do thank you cards/notes but it just hurts too much. I was worrying about all of these issues last week and discussed it with a friend. He passed on an old saying of his mother's: 'the people who matter won't mind, and anyone who minds doesn't matter'. That put it all into perspective for me. Some things are just too hard at this time and I feel like I need to move into self-protection mode to get through Christmas/New Year. I think that's OK.

Dear Linda While I never know what's happening to me (it is 4 months yesterday since I lost my wonderful husband of 32 yrs) I can see clearly from your wrds that you are in a 'down trough'. The person I am seeing described grief as a wave of emotions but said that you can still be moving forward even in the down times. Christmas and New Year are going to be tough - no way around that. I can feel the anxiety and overwhelming despair building also. Experiencing Christmas morning alone and missing the happiness, laughter and sharing before going to see family and friends for a wonderful day, seems incomprehensible to me too. Ditto for every other significant event/holiday to come. Someone on this site who is a bit further along the track said that the anticipation and feelings of dread in the lead up to Christmas time were actually worse than the actual day for her. Maybe that is a defence mechanism for us and a positive from all that you are going through now. You sound like you are trying 'to be strong' all the time. For me, I don't think that will help in the long run. I am strong when I am on the upside of the 'wave' or when I sense that someone else who is also sharing this devastating loss needs that from me. When I am on the 'down side' I am learning to relax and accept it more. There always seems to be somebody/something that comes along to help me resurface. I wish you some calm times and smiles over the weeks ahead. I wish that for all of us. With much affection from one who knows...Susie Q

Dear Laurie My heart aches when reading your post because you are describing me too. I know that we all want the same thing - the only thing not possible to have. I have no answers. I only hope that we can all find some meaning for the future, one that will never be the the way it was supposed to be, without our loved ones in it. In my darkest times, I ask myself if I would rather suffer this heartbreak at losing him or never have met him? The answer is always the same - anything is worth having known him for 40 years and having had 32 years of a full and loving marriage. Doesn't take away my sadness or loneliness but helps me accept the pain a little better....Susie Q

Thank you John I am one of the 'newies' on this site that you write about. One of those with a heart heavy filled with pain and dread at the thought of the weeks ahead. Your letter has much to ponder and speaks to me of the now and of how I might better frame my future. Thank you. I needed these words. I will re-read them many times. I appreciate your very meaningful gift...Susie Q

Dear Vickie Thank you for thinking of others in your plea for people to consider organ donation. My husband signed his five year driving licence consent with a flourish three weeks before he was suddenly taken from me by a cerebral haemorrhage. He was always a supporter and I was able to honour his beliefs when all hope for any recovery had gone. With Christmas approaching I know that five families will be having the best holiday celebration of their lives because of his unselfish gesture. I wish them well, and in years to come that may bring me some comfort, but if I'm being honest, at the moment I miss him too much to take joy from their happiness. Where I live, our legal system does not allow for donor families and recipients to know each other but I am sure they think every day of the wonderful person who gave them this gift of life. This is the only good thing possible from this devastating loss.

So many insensitive people around. I had someone showing me pictures of their family on their camera at my husband's memorial service. Sure, I wanted to see her happy snaps while 200 people waited to see me! I'll concentrate on the others who have shown me incredible support and I'll be involved in their lives. That's what makes for friendship and love. Certainly not looking forward to the inevitable single name on Christmas cards now but will try to accept it as loved ones letting me know they care. With much affection and thoughts for you all...Susie Q

Dear Rochel I am trying to 'kid myself' very deliberately in an effort to survive the next few weeks. I saw a counsellor this week for the first time since my husband died suddenly in August. In response to my plea, she suggested some strategies that I might use to redirect my thinking when the going gets really tough. One of these has worked for me alreay when I didn't want to 'be on display' with people I didn't know very well. She said I could take the idea that 'he'll always be with me' one step further and actually imagine him physically present when I needed some extra support. At this particular function, when I felt my resolve weakening,the tears starting and the need to run home building up, I imagined him right there beside me, holding my hand and giving me all the emotional comfort I've enjoyed for so many years. I found it a powerful way to settle myself on two occasions and I actually got through the whole night - a first! The counsellor did say however, that this was a 'relaxation strategy' only, to be used sparingly, because my feelings of grief WILL demand my attention and WILL need to be acknowledged and experienced. Of course I have wonderful memories, like everyone here, of Christmas' together - 40 years of them to be exact, all good but some magical. This year my aim is to get through the main functions by relying on his presence, rather than feeling his absence. I'll talk silently to him and laugh with him at the children's antics and admire the presents and share the meal with the family. That's the plan anyway - and I'm hoping that 'kidding myself' will help. I personally like the idea - it is giving me great comfort and some sense that I might just be able to make it through... with his help. Susie Q

Dear Lea I feel your loss in your words and I truly understand because I too was deeply loved and protected by my husband, despite being a fully independent woman. I have missed his love, wise counsel, the feeling of security he gave me and his wonderful hugs every second since he died suddenly in August. One thing I do know (first heard on Dr Phil many years ago)is that we teach people how to treat us. I believe that if I don't show the world, including kids and family when I am hurting, feeling overwhelmed, in need of support and missing the love of my life, they will make assumptions about my 'state of coping' that are usually wrong. In the last three months, in the hours or days when I am finding things intolerable or I am too upset to go on, someone in my life seems to appear and fill that gap by supporting me through the rough patches. Incredibly, it has been a range of people who have been able to console me in those darkest times - a child, a neighbour, a relative, a friend - you'd be surprised where support comes from. Sometimes it just takes the right words, some practical help or a shoulder to cry on and an understanding look to make me feel a bit better and less alone. I can do the same for others in my life who are also suffering this nightmare loss when my emotional energy level is higher than theirs or their visible pain calls for my support. This sharing of the burden of 'being the strong one' even for a few hours has made it possible for me to get up every morning and at least try to face the day without him. It really is OK to show that we are vulnerable, and if I'm having a bad day, the world doesn't fall apart. Try to share your grief with others - you certainly have that right. I wish you well and hope you find some peace and comfort in the times ahead...Susie Q

Dear Cherrie I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. My heart aches when I read your post because I can see so much of me in it. Today I picked up the ashes of my wonderful husband of 32 years who died on 22 August this year after just a few days of illness. So I too know the pain and despair you are feeling at your tremendous loss. Ours was a secure, full and loving relationship, with so much planned for so many more years. Every day I wonder if I will ever have a future that I can tolerate without him. I know he would want me to do my best to get through this, just as your husband would wish that for you. That is why we hurt so much, because their love for us was so strong and selfless. I'm fragile at the moment but with the help of my family and friends I'm trying to honour that love by being a testament to it. And to do that I have to be here and somehow become a part again of what was 'our wonderful world'. I know he would gently insist on it but I need to do it slowly and in my own way. I'm also helped greatly by this site, even though I live on the other side of the world. I read and sometimes reply, but it gives me strength to know that what I am feeling is all part of this hard road. I hate the hurt and emptiness I feel and I miss him every second, but I take hope from the wise words of people here who tell me it will eventually get better. I wish you, and all of us, peace and comfort and some better hours and days ahead. Susie Q

Dear Steely Our circumstances are similar. My wonderful, loving and gentle yet strong husband died three months ago today from a cerebral haemorrhage. He was in the ICU for three days before they told me that all cognitive functioning had ceased. i still can't believe it and am finding it impossible to live any kind of 'happy' life without him. Like all the people here, I find comfort in sharing with others who understand. I am now crying less through the day and am able for the most part to manage my grief some of the time, maybe for two hours before it washes over me again. I guess that signals some kind of improvement. I try to think of what he would be saying to help me and then try to follow that advice. It's like a communication between us and it helps me. I wish you well on this hard road. Susie Q

Kat I also know and feel the pain of the 'lost future' and the promise of just 'tomorrow' doing ordinary things together. But I am not going to go down the 'why' track because there is no answer that will ever satisfy me. That doesn't mean I have accepted it or come to terms with it, by any means. I simply still can't believe he is gone forever - my head knows it but I don't want it to be true. I don't feel the need to apologise for feeling like I do. When we love someone and they are taken from us, we are truly a victim of horrendous circumstances and I know I'll be in a crisis and until I can find some way to move this raw hurt to a place where I can deal with it better. Not sure when that will be but I really look forward to it happening. My thoughts are with you.

Hello I have been reading a lot of posts that have helped me greatly. Not responding but getting lots of good advice and support. Thank you all so much. But today, this topic was meaningful and I wanted to share a lovely moment - we have so few these days!! It's now nine weeks since my husband died suddenly. I've been really struggling greatly, but going OK by my measure given the circumstances. I've learned from you all to be kind in my judgement of myself. I've been forcing myself to go out every day or have visits from the wonderful family and friends that have kept me sane. I prefer to be at home alone at night because our house is the only place I can find some peace and comfort but last night, for some reason, was very bad. A downward spiral with lots of tears and hurt late into the night. Fixated on photos of all that we've shared and the future that I feel is now lost. Finally slept and just before waking up early, my dream had me enter a room to find him there. We hugged and I held onto to him so tightly. He just smiled in his wonderful way. I woke up feeling his arms holding me safely and yes,I think of it as a sign. He has supported and helped me when I needed it most - like he did for all our life together.

Today it's six weeks since I was told that my husband's sudden illness was going to be fatal. He died the next day. It's the Friday before a long weekend and I feel at my lowest point. I have invitations that I don't want to accept, I can't bear company yet don't want to be myself, I know ao many people care about me but I feel totally alone. I can tell from reading your posts that this misery is not short lived. I question whether I have the inner strength to go through this long term. I just want him back and I know it's not possible. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of months/years of this acute pain. How did you survive it?

Thank you all for your wonderful words. They make me cry and feel stronger at the same time. I am sorry that you too have experienced this pain and despair but your insight is a great help to me. I'm struggling through each day and mostly can keep the worst times for when I am alone - a little progress perhaps. I know what he would be telling me now: he'd be gently telling me to stay positive,rejoin the world and accept help when needed but without him I can't seem to find meaning in any of the things that filled our lives. I feel like I had the best of lives and now I have no life. I haven't said that to anyone because it would devalue them, but it is how I am feeling. So good to be able to share it. He was 10 yrs older than me but so fit and strong - such a shock for everyone. And like everyone on this site has said - I too just can't believe he's gone. His memorial service was a wonderful tribute that reflected a life filled with love, both given and reveived, and the dignity he afforded everyone. He was an organ donor as per his lifetime request and that has added another dimension that will be of comfort later, I'm sure. Thank you again. It's been helpful to have found you...Susie Q