Susie Q

It's a real dilemma. I don't want to be alone for ever and I don't want anyone else....Susie Q

Kay I know what you mean about acceptance. Just one example, I used to burst into tears everytime I walked through the door, day or night, because I felt his absence so very strongly and in a real physical sense. Now I don't expect him to be there. I still long for him to be there but it's just the action of coming in the door now. I cry when I realise for the millionth time that he's not there for me to share the day/event with, but at least I'm ten steps inside by the time that happens. I think you just adjust to the different circumstance slowly over time. I've gotten ten steps further along in two years.....but it's something.

I have also been absent of late for the same reasons although I hope that those with strong religious beliefs are not offended by my view. I am pleased that for some,their faith offers great comfort but for my part I would like to see us return to more focus on practical support and discussion so that this forum appeals to a wider audience....Susie Q

Suzanne All I can say is yes to all you've said. Every day and night is a constant battle to just get through without him. People care deeply about me but no-one really understands and I truly believe no-one can do anything to help me. Nothing feels right anymore, but all I can do is keep trying and hope that something will change for the better eventually. I won't give up that hope because then what...? You are not alone...Sue

Beth My experience is that you will know when (and if) you are ready to dispose of or delete things you have kept. If you are not sure, then it's probably not the time to do anything with them. As for bringing this on yourself, again for me, I sometimes have the need to retrace these bad times. At first I thought it was a thing to be avoided. Now, it's been 2 years, it seems that those really hard and emotional times help me to process the pain and somehow afterwards I feel a little stronger. You can't stop your mind from going there but at least I know that eventually I'll get back to a better place again. That's what time has done for me - not healed, made it easier or made me forget, but it has just given me the confidence to get through tough times a little easier...Susie Q

Cheryl Thank you, I was enthralled with your writing. Two years for me just gone on 22 August and you could have written the post about me except that I didn't have the energy, just the wish for a long time, to do something about not being here any more. I don't know how I have survived two years without him but I have. That's the lesson that I had to learn - you can and will get through it. I know he would expect me to make something worthwhile of this time I have left - so I am trying (but still failing) daily. But there's always tomorrow - so I'll give it another go then. Life is sad but bearable most of the time now. I'm looking forward to OK and my hope is that maybe happy-ish will be around the corner sometime for all of us...Susie Q

Di Regardless of peoples' views on religion, afterlife or spirituality, and whether they are shared or kept private, what we are all dealing with here together is the effects on those of us left behind. That's the common denominator and for me, the value of this site. I hope you'll return to share your insights and also receive some comfort in your pain from others who truly understand....Susie Q

Marty Sending you back all the love and comfort you always give to others. I know how much you will miss this bundle of love - I hope your broken heart gives way to wonderful memories over time.....Susie Q

Dear Beth All the questions that you ask yourself are shared by all of us. How to go on alone? What am I going to do for the rest of the day, or the rest of my life without them? What about the future we planned? It took me six months off work and mostly time spent just staring into space and crying while thinking about these questions before I had enough resolve to even begin the process of building some semblance of a life again. I'll think of you on 22nd August - also a sad day for me, as it's the two year anniversary of my husband's sudden death.Just know that you will miss him, like every other day, and that eventually the day will be over and somehow you'll have gotten through it. As for re-creating yourself as a single person - it's hard because every facet of your life is woven with shared memories that make 'a new you' pretty hard to find. Yesterday I had a really bad crying time for an hour because a doorknob had come loose. It made me remember how, when we were building the house, that he had waited patiently while I looked at hundreds of doorknobs and then had laughed at me for choosing a plain white classic ceramic style. I laughed at the memory and cried at the loss of sharing even those simple and fun things with him. I've found it helpful to give myself lots of time (without pressure) to just be able to get through the day and do the normal things in life - friends/family/go out/look after the things that weren't my jobs before etc. It took me a year of solid effort to even get close to that - no enjoyment but I did them. Nights were terrible but I survived. This year, I have concentrated on looking after myself, getting fitter and going back to the things we liked to do as a couple and to my own interests. I'm making good progress and even enjoy aspects of some days. Nights are mostly OK and the really bad times stay for shorter periods of time. All I'm trying to say is that in reality, it may take a long time to get to a place where life can be regarded as good again. The important thing is wanting to get there - because from what you've written of Rich, I can see that he would want that for you too, just as my husband would for me.... Susie Q

Is Sydney too far for you all?...Susie Q

Mary - re thankyou cards In a few weeks time it will be two years since my husband died. I have tried a number of times to do thank you cards but find it just unbearable. Instead, I've written about five letters/notes to significant people without whom I just would not have made it this far. A couple I included in Christmas cards last year and the rest with a birthday card as they rolled around. It seemed much easier as a one-off task. I mentioned to a friend not long ago that I still felt really badly that I hadn't responded to some many wonderful people. He said "The people that matter don't care, and the people that care don't matter'. That simple line has released me from all the guilt I felt and strangely, I even seem a little more disposed to start the process slowly. Funny isn't it, how a shift in mindset affects the soul?

I would add: (Marty, happy to include anything you consider of value) 1. No matter how devasted you feel on any given day or at any given hour, you WILL feel better 2. You need the meltdowns to exhaust you and to somehow give you renewed strength to start again the next day 3. You have to do things the first time, as hard as they are, for there ever to be a 'better' second time eg going to family occasions alone, restarting shared interests, returning to hobbies 4. What changes over time is that you learn to build a new relationship that has your loved one in it 5. Feeling more able to cope DOES NOT mean you are moving away from the memories or love you shared 6. You will never be able to predict the triggers that will upset you 7. The anticipation of an upcoming event, anniversary or holiday will nearly always be worse than the actual occasion 8. People who have not been through grief don't understand how all-pervasive it is - so treat them with some understanding the first time; explain to them the second time and then just stay away if they still don't get it. 9. In the early days always have an escape route planned - take your own car; go with a sympathetic friend who will leave when you are ready; indicate on arrival that you can only stay an hour 10. Listen to the little voice inside your head. If it's telling you "no, or I'm not sure" then it's usually correct.

Yes, I'm struggling to regain myself and to manage a home that he built that is perfect for us but not so friendly for one pretty useless handywoman. I don't think the strong independent women we were have gone anywhere - we just need to give them time to surface again. I have to believe they will...Susie Q

Cheryl Thank you for this post. In a few weeks it will be two years since I also lost my husband - it happened suddenly so the shock was enormous. I am finally starting to believe and feel that I can have a life of sorts - with happy times in it but I know I will never again feel 'fulfilled and happy' like I had. This time last year I was a walking and talking cardboard cutout of myself. People thought I was doing OK but it was all just putting on a show that I could only manage to maintain for short periods of time before the meltdowns in private. Now, I can function pretty much for the whole day - still have the meltdowns but I have the confidence and experience to know that those feelings of intense pain and panic will pass with some sleep (eventually). My feeling is that I am finding a way to incorporate him into my life so that he is here with me still. I am slowly starting to understand what the books say about building a different kind of relationship and feeling his presence rather than his absence. I don't like it and I don't want it to be this way, but stabbing myself in the heart every minute of every day wasn't working for me either and I'm guessing the survival instinct, with different mental processes, just starts to kick in with time. I know he would desperately want me to find a way through this nightmare, so I am trying. I was the last person that thought any real recovery would ever be possible but kind people on this site kept telling me in the early days that healing, in its own time, could start and that I needed to keep an open mind on that. It was good advice. Looking back has made me realise the struggles that I continue to have and I too am overwhelmed by the prospect of the years ahead without him...but I am oh so very much better than last year. Thank you for reminding me to assess my progress from time to time so that I might see how much better I am feeling and to give me continued hope for the future....Susie Q

Cheryl So good to hear that you are doing things with your kids and for yourself despite the sadness. I set a few goals for this year and am amazed how much better it has made me feel to be acomplishing something again. And I agree, I feel a sense of being bulletproof now - the worst that could happen to me has already happened and I seem to be living through it (after a fashion)so there's nothing to be afraid of losing now. I have a holiday booked for Feb 2012 with some friends and you give me hope that I might actually enjoy it. Still waiting for the day when I feel a sense of happiness again and tears are not my primary activity when alone but my mother used to say that the best person to help you up when you fall down is yourself. I'm trying Mum!....Susie Q

Dear Pam It's the sweet things in life, like a new baby, that bring home so much that has been lost to us. We don't think we can get through the pain for one more minute but just hold on and believe that somehow you will. You know, sometimes you just have to let your feelings be what they are with those closest to you....Susie Q

Hi Suzanne I'm about the same age and understand how you feel. I lost my husband in four days from fit and healthy to being on life support. I guess now that it's been nearly two years without him I am slowly coming to realise and accept he's gone. Never far away and never, ever forgotten but certainly not here with me. I also accept that the happiness and contentment I felt from having such a long and loving relationship is over. I miss that so very much - just talking with him and laughing about anything and everything, feeling safe and enjoying whatever the day might bring to share. I am trying to regain a life of sorts, because I need to feel that the time I have left here is worth something. I have moved from just breathing, to tolerating the day and now have set one or two goals that I hope will give me something positive to focus on. I never expect to be truly happy again in the same sense but I want to feel OK. I can smile when I think of him (a million times every 24hrs)and I often cry at the same time. For me, the smiling times bring me a feeling of deep love and gratitude for all he was in my life. I'm a long way from the wise and knowing old lady that sees these things through the eyes of experience as the natural ebb and flow of life. I still rant and rave at the injustice of his loss and the pain - but remembering him softly will never mean I have moved away from him. Each of us, in our own time, will get where we are meant to be....Susie Q

Pam I'm so very sorry that you have lost the one that made your life shine. My husband also died suddenly so I know the all consuming shock and disbelief as you struggle to even accept that this nightmare can be real. I won't lie to you and say that everything will be OK - it's a long and hard road with so very many sad and empty days and endless, difficult nights. But you will get through it somehow - and you have to hold on to that thought. I found it important to accept the wishes of people for what they were - well meaning attempts to help. Some will be wonderfully supportive words and actions. Others will be trite, ignorant or even worse, very hurtful. I tried to preserve relationships by holding my tongue in the latter case, and it's hard because you are raw and not yourself.What we all come to know is that you can never understand the depth of the pain and disorientation until you have been there yourself. Just do whatever feels right for you and seek out people that are comfortable with your emotions - they will be the ones who can help you the most. It will be 2 years in July since my husband died and I am just starting now to see that I can go on in some fashion without him... My best wishes to you and I hope that you find some comfort for short times with family and friends...Susie Q

Dear Lynne I'm sorry for all that you are going through, facing the loss of someone so dear to you and your family. People here share their experiences because it helps to know that there are others who truly feel what you feel. Please come back for help. comfort or just to have a place where you can say things that maybe can't be shared with others who haven't been down this road. I wish you all the comfort and support possible at this most difficult time...Susie Q

Best wishes Dwayne for a speedy recovery. I hope we see you online very soon. It's amazing how similar our collective feelings are. I am totally bulletproof these days to past worries/fears. Turbulent flying - not a problem; alone in a big house - so what. I don't take unnecessary risks but I feel now that I really can get through anything. If only it were that easy with emotionally-laden tasks. Looking at photos - a blubbering wreck; birthdays or anniversaries - so hard.

Kay i admire your graciousness. I would not wish him ill but would not be there if he wanted to talk....Sue

Harry I struggle every day now with the question 'what I am here for'- when it was always so very clear before. My life path has had a massive landslide put in it and I want to get to the other side to see where it might take me next, I really do, but I need time to work out the best plan of attack. Over the last 2 years I have learned that it's OK to move forward slowly and that taking the time to look after your soul, is not time wasted. Nor is it self indulgent to really let yourself feel the hurt, after being so deeply wounded. Great love...great loss. For me, I seem to need the really tumultuous private and painful meltdowns which come from time to time to somehow drain me then give me the courage to go on again tomorrow. Marty's advice is always spot on - you need to give yourself a chance to slowly think through this great upheaval at a deeper level- if you don't hasten slowly now, it will catch up with you later. Unfortunately stopping and letting the pain in exposes us to all kinds of emotions, but it also gives us some insight to how we are truly feeling on the inside. Keeping busy masks it but not for long. Jane would want you to survive her loss in the best possible physical and mental shape. You can't do that if your focus is always on the needs of others and making a contribution at the expense of YOU....Susie Q

I hope you have a day filled with remembering what he brought to your lives...Susie Q

Mary I agree that being sick magnifies the loss - so alone when our defences are down, even when friends are family are around. Nearly finished Year 2 myself and although I have some feeling of needing to get on with some kind of life somehow, I don't really know how to achieve that. At least it's a big improvement on where I was last July. Today we should be celebrating my husband's birthday - I decided not to let a major slide happen so I've been out with friends. I didn't mention it and nor did they. Facing the evening alone now and feeling the tears building. Didn't really think I'd get away with it. I hope you are feel better soon. I guess we just have to keep trying to make something worthwhile out of the time we have left - the only way to do that is to get up tomorrow and try again....Susie Q

Dear Cheryl I'm sorry that you are in such pain. Maybe you are back feeling the incredible raw hurt that huge losses bring to us - empathy for her pain and vivid recollection of yours. I never 'forget' how bad I feel but somedays now it is more muted and not so very in my face and then out of nowhere it's back and almost uncontrollable in it's severity. It was triggered for me just yesterday by a friend reminding me that in our house Sunday night dinner was always home made soup and toasted sandwiches that he made for us to eat in front of the TV. My friend had joined us for so many of these laughter filled nights and she was remembering how good it was. I laughed with her but then went home and have been so very sad and crying since - happy memories can also be a burden. You are probably also feeling the injustice of your wonderful man gone and such a rotten sod still around to cause upset and mayhem in the life of someone you care about. It's not logical, I know, but that doesn't stop the anger when you make these comparisons. I hope you'll be able to find some comfort soon from knowing how much loved you were - and some inner strength to be there for your friend through this trying time. My best wishes to you both...Susie Q