Susie Q

Becky I understand the dilemma. I have just been through stepping up for a friend in a similar situation. I managed to find an important role that helped out that no-one else wanted but which worked for me without too much stress. Like you, I didn't see any other option as leaving her hanging just wasn't something I could do. I don't regret being there when she needed me most. Harry - for the Aussie, please explain to me 'the camel' advice...Susie Q

Hi Deb I think you have started 'the process' because you are starting to look foward. I had six months off work after my husband died suddenly in 2009 and it took me all that time to even just get a foot back into life again. For me, I made a plan with small goals based on what I know he would be saying to me if he was here and I was trying to recover from some serious illness. I started with going back to the things I had always enjoyed - work, a hobby and community work. At first I hated every minute of them, found it incredibly difficult to be around people and cried all the way there and all the way home - usually followed by straight to bed to cry more. But you know, after a while that got to be my routine and over time I relaxed back into life. I go to things now, I can have some fun and I manage without all the tears - except the coming home to an empty house part. This year I've added the goal of getting fitter and it has made an incrediblw difference to how I feel (and how I look!) Being happy again - now that's a different story. Those of us on this site who have loved deeply and cherished the person that's now gone probably have a higher expectation of happiness. I guess I'm happy on the outside but I'm sure that I'll never feel again the complete contentment and joy I once had every day. At least I have had that and wouldn't have missed ur 40 years together (32 married)for the world. I'm also old enough and capable enough to look out for myself - I just need to find the will to WANT to do it. I think I can now and that's really a sign of 'moving forward' for me....Susie Q

It's not the coooking that's the problem - it's the sheer magnitude of sitting down alone to a meal. As I've said before, I'm an expert at 'bowl food' now which can be eaten in front of the TV and I am also a signed up member of the 'sandwich while standing at the kitchen bench' club. Food is so much more than nourishment and just a vivid reminder of what's gone. Trying to navigate a meal alone puts me into a terrible state - so, for me, it's best avoided as an activity.

A close friend of mine has just lost a close friend of hers who suffered a sudden heart attack. I hadn't met the lady in question but had heard about all the ups and downs of her life and her family over many years through my friend. I realise now that I have truly learned and acquired empathy for all those who lose someone dear - all I can think about is what her husband will be going through in these early days, and what is yet to come for him and his adult children. The funeral is tomorrow. I will write to him at some point soon with gentle words of encouragement. Before I would have thought I knew how he would be feeling - and would have underestimated his pain by a zillion percent, as we all know!!! I guess, this also qualifies in the 'positives' thread..Susie Q

I offer my congratulations too, Brian. You will be an asset to the company. Good luck...Susie Q

Di I know these feelings well. I would also give anything to be able to have a quiet cup of tea and a talk or laugh together. My husband would only eat meat with a steak knife and some times, just in a mad panic to get dinner happening after work, I would set the table with ordinary cutlery. He would quietly get up and get a steak knife - never a reminder or a sarcastic comment, and when I apologised he would say "It's OK I have legs". Yesterday I saw the steak knives in the drawer and burst into tears - just hating and admonishing myself for ever forgetting that he preferred to use them. I abandoned my unexciting dinner and went to bed in a sad and teary fog. Today I put the steak knives away - but it's probably not possible to hide from these triggers. I've seen those knives at least daily in the last 20 months, so why last night did they send me in a tailspin and who knows what the cause of the next one is going to be?...Susie Q

Dear Sad You know, it's hard to imagine that any of us could get on with our life without the huge suffering we are feeling. We loved someone deeply and they are gone. We miss them and what they brought into our life. It has helped me immensely to be given the advice to take the smiles and 'happy times' when they come and accept the sad and down times as a long-lasting but normal part of missing him. I want the pain to end too, but I know it's not going to lessen any time soon. Fighting the hurt didn't make it go away so now I'm trying to accept it. I find that the times that it is at its worst, are the times that I feel closest to him. These meltdowns seem to give me the strength to have another go tomorrow. I wish you some better times soon...Susie Q

Kay What's special is that when all others have forgotten his birthday, it will always be an important day to you. I hope your many memories of past celebrations will give you some cause to smile today and the good memories will see you through....Susie Q remember.

My husband died of a brain aneurysm - no warning and gone in four days. I agreed to organ donation because I know that is what he wanted. One of the emotions I have not felt is guilt. I have questioned everything I did, just like we all do. But I decided very early on in this nightmare called grief that because we loved each other so much, and knew each other so well that he would trust and believe ,100%, that anything I did, agreed to, or allowed, always had only his best interests at heart. Just as I trusted him 100%. I think that love motivated each of you in every action you took too, pure love. We all had options but decisions needed to be made and all we can ever do is act with the best ntent on the knowledge we have at the time. It has helped me greatly to remind myself of this when the questioning voices come into my head. I miss him so very much, long to have him here with me every minute and will always carry a broken heart - but guilty..no. Sometimes you have to stand up and defend yourself against your own thoughts - this is an example of what we all mean when we say 'be kind to yourself'. It takes some practice but it has helped me over some really rough patches, especially in the dark of night....Susie Q

Congratulations Carol Ann. It does the soul good to realise that we still do have inner strength, even though it goes missing at times during this nightmare of loss. I admire your conviction to see this matter through...Susie Q

I ahare these feelings too. Sometimes I ask myself over and over 'did I dream him and all those years together?' It's like it is so very far in the past that I can't hold onto that life, yet it's what I cry for every day, and sometimes for hours. It's been 22 months yet sometimes it fells like a lifetime ago. I don't know what the explanation is, but it's good to know I'm not alone with feeling that way....Susie Q

Dave I don't remember much of the first six months which I had off from work. The ups and downs continue for me, so take the good times when they are there, however fleeting, and lean into the bad times and let them come over you - in their own way they give you the strength to get up and start the battle all over again. No-one expects you to be in control all of the time - least of all the kind people of the world who just want to do something to help but don't really know what. My best wishes for some comfort for you at this terrible, terrible time in the very early days...Susie Q

This week I started on leave pending retirement in 2012. It's not how we planned it to be and I have been 'underwhelmed' over the last few months by the prospect of all that time - because without him, although I know I will be busy, it is hard to see the meaning in this life I have left! But yesterday I had the most wonderful surprise work - I had insisted on no functions because I didn't know how I would be emotionally when the time came. They hadn't listened to me, of course, and I found myself surrounded by wonderful colleagues with kind and generous words and some lovely gifts. I spoke from the heart about how much my work, and they, had meant to me, especially in the last 22 months. I was pretty emotional but held it together (mostly), but it was right for the occasion. I also work in education, so it was fulfilling to hear what other people thought my contribution to students had been over the various roles I have undertaken throughout my career. Today, I am grateful to be reminded that despite our grief we can still make a difference to others, and in return, feel somewhat uplifted. PS Perkins and Hap - I am heavily involved in a Relay for Life type event that we hold annually for our local cancer centres. I am just starting to update our website after another highly successful year in 2010. $1.2 million raised in 6 years by the local community all with a volunteer committee. Another special thing that keeps me sane. Would love to know how your event went. www.24hrfight.org.au .....Susie Q

Yes, so alone even in a crowd of people who love me. The family things are the hardest yet I need to be there. I still make an early get away because it just gets too much to bear and I don't want to spoil the day for them. I have two weddings coming up and I dread missing them, I dread going alone but yet can't bear the thought of 'taking someone' even a girlfriend. No answers to this one....and it makes me so very sad for us all. Yes, I am grateful for the relationship we had, but no, not ready to say 'Well I've had my quota of love, so I didn't deserve to have more'. You are right, kind meaning words can be very hollow and even hurtful but I accept them in the spirit they are meant. Sooner or later everyone will understand..Susie Q

Melina I can feel the pain in your words. I'm sorry it has been a bad time for you. Yes, I'm still grieving deeply 20 months later and I don't expect that to change either. But I decided about 3 months ago that SOMETHING needed to change and so I started a bit of a fitness program. I can control my physical body at least! I've found that it has helped me a whole lot to have something positive to focus on. All the heartache is the same but I'm tired after the sessions and am sleeping better which is a blessing.It was hard at first to maintain the motivation to go but now I look forward to it. I needed an organised program that required some commitment. I'm certainly looking better and that is a start. It's hard to find something that will work for you but you have to keep trying and over time, you will start to feel the way you have been acting. Don't give up - accept the sad and bad times as a break to regroup and get back a little of that inner strength that we have (just not all the time). Thinking of you....Susie Q

Harry I've said it before here, that sometimes 'coping' is just so over-rated. My body seems to needs the meltdowns and the crying times to muster the strength to have another go after a good exhausted sleep. Let it come and try to embrace it - you'll feel better for not fighting those terribly painful and sad times, I guarantee it. I have also made the decision to retire and have one month to go. It's not the way we imagined it either. It would have been the biggest celebration but now I'm ambivalent but still sticking to the plan we hatched many years ago. No other plan to replace it at this stage o it seems the right thing to do! We did everything we wanted to do throughout our many years together and yet I still feel cheated out of the wonderful future we should have together - it doesn't matter when the loss happens you never have had enough time together when you cherished the person you were with. I think those of us left here are entitled to feel sorry for ourselves from time to time - great love, great loss. Show yourself the same kindness and understanding that I think you would have for others. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you...Susie Q

Dear Sad The pain of losing a close friend is hard to bear. I've watched my best friend struggle with the loss of my husband - they were very close too and it's like a double whammy for her, with her own grief and mine to console. The bonds with close and good friends are often stronger than some family bonds. You need to keep trying every day to just get through the hours. In time, you'll be able to get through the days. Unfortunately, I can't tell you it will get better quickly. I try to think about what they would be telling us to do and in some crazy way, that gives me the strength to get up every day. Lots of stumbles , but I know what he would expect of me. Your friend will have good advice for you too - it's the way I have been surviving for 20 months and now I'm starting to feel that he's here with me still. It is small comfort but it works for me. I wish you some peace in these hard days ahead...Susie Q

Dear Pinkpony So very sorry that you've lost someone so dear to your heart. It's a hard and long road ahead but you can survive. At 20 months without my husband I am starting to see a way ahead - still cry everyday and miss him so very much but am finding the strength to go on. Keep in touch even if you only feel like reading - this group and their wise counsel to each other and to me has kept me sane. Susie Q

Dear Rachael I am sorry that you have to face the job isue on top of everything else. Your posts tell me you will make it through. I have come to realise that after what we've lost already and what we deal with every day just to survive - nothing is now 'impossible' to overcome. Hang in there till better times...Susie Q.

Dear Where'dSheGo I am so sorry that you both went through so very much and I know the agonising hurt you are feeling now. Although it doesn't seem possible at this time you will find a way to live with your great loss and the loss of the future you worked so hard to achieve together. All of us here on this site have stood in your shoes and know that it takes a long time to find your way out of the overwhelming despair. For me it took 6 months at home to think through the past and to even see the posibility of a future and 12 months after that to start to believe that I just might be able to survive his loss and continue in some functioning way. Do what you have to do to get through each hour and the days will eventually take care of themselves. I wish you some comfort in the times ahead...Susie Q

When I first came on this site I found great strength from the messages of those who had been at this longer - although I couldn't see it happening for me, I so wanted to believe that progress towards some reasonable life was possible. Now, it's my turn to offer some possibility of hope to those just finding their way through this nightmare. Three months after my husband died I went (against my better judgement) on a two week trip to a nice quiet beach town with two friends. 'It will do you good' was the theory. It was a disaster for me - cried and was miserable most of the time but got through it with their love and support. I felt that every minute I missed him standing beside me - a physical emptiness. Twelve months after he died I went on a two week cruise with three firends. To my surprise I had some fun but still felt really uneasy and tense. I missed him being there to share it with me and cried lots in the quiet times or when I was alone - more a thought process than a physical feeling. Tomorrow it will be nineteen months since he died and I am going away for a week with some friends. I am actually lookinmg forward to it. I know he will be with me and I think I can take some comfort from that - I seem to have brought his presence with me this time. I'm sure there is a technical term to describe this process - but what I take from it is that you have to push yourself do things without your loved one, a few times, and go through the panic, tears, anxiety and need to run away when it becomes unbearable and keep doing it in order to rebuild your life. So far I've applied this thinking to family parties, weddings, holidays and social events. It's been so very hard and emotionally taxing but I'm starting to see some chance of recovery to a more stable level - not a shadow of my previous life but it is a start.

It's one of the most personal issues someone can ask about. It hasn't been said to me in the form of a question, but it's been the topic of conversation with friends who are divorced - and now I'm one of the 'single' group too. I just believe and say 'I can't imagine that I would ever meet anyone who measures up - and why would I want second best?' Having said that, I'm reminded that a few years ago I had a significant health scare and waiting for the results (which were OK) gave us the opportunity to discuss the possibility of me not being here in the future. I went to great lengths to explain that I didn't like to think of him being alone for the rest of his life and hoped he would find someone who could make him happy. I made him promise not to rule out the possibility. I know he would want that for me - my happiness was all he ever wanted but it's 18 months since he's been gone and there isn't a thought of mine that isn't for him. I don't want/need anyone else but I wouldn't consider it cheating. Bringing real love into your life from any source and at any age shouldn't be seen as a bad thing if that's what you want in your heart.

You know Deborah, I agree with everything you say, except that you are not a good example of how to grieve. You are going on, struggling to make some sense of this nightmare and trying to forge a life that is meaningful from the pain and despair you feel. To me, that's a wonderful role model. Last week, it was 18 months since I lost the one who made my life happy and fulfilling. His life ended with no warning - a cerebral haemmorrhage. Every minute of every day, I long for him and that life back, but it isn't going to happen and like you, I struggle to find any purpose or joy. I have tons of support and for their sake I try to look and act like things are getting better but only those here on this site would know the real situation. What makes me keep going is the thought that I can't expect to 'get over this loss' easily. Why would I, or you, when every part of our life that we loved can now bring us so much pain? There's no where to go for respite and I have no real interest in starting new things. Like the others that have replied, I want you to keep posting. I need to know that you and others have kept going on in the face of this long term test of your spirit and endurance. I'm happy that others can find new paths or friendships that bring them love and comfort but I also need to know that if that isn't for me, then I can still survive. Sharing that you are not feeling strong - but doing it anyway - gives me strength to also keep trying. I hope that you continue to draw some comfort from being here - I know I do...Susie Q

Bad time for me too. I have gone on leave pending retirement as per our grand plan. I would have been so thrilled today and smiling from ear to ear to have all day, everyday, from now on just to spend together. I feel so sad that those wonderful times will never happen and am feeling the shock of his death all over again. No previous medical problems,just gone in one week. Thankfully, we lived a very full life and from the last 32 years I have support from wonderful family and friends, and memories of amazing travels and special times. I am so very, very grateful for all of that and I know in my heart how lucky I am, but even so, today, I'm feeling cheated and that life is so very unfair. I am definitely a candidate for the pity party so sign me up. Eveyone here is struggling to get through this nightmare, but we are making an effort to heal in the end. I think that makes for a pretty special bunch of inspirational people who are entitled to feel down from time to time. I know I'll feel better soon - it's one of the learnings I've acquired with time. Kay C always gives us the longer term view and I appreciate it greatly....Susie Q