Susie Q

Dear Anne Sometimes it all just overflows. I'm capable and confident in life, but as you said, there are days when I just don't want to be. I take a different approach to Dwayne.I think it's more than OK to have days that you are feeling and acting overwhelmed. At those times, I don't get dressed, I watch TV in bed all day, I don't answer the phone, I usually cry and eat and sleep a lot. Somehow I feel better after that and am ready to have another go at facing the world. They are my hideaway days, my time to wallow in this awful loss that I feel, to regroup. My husband died suddenly so I was not his caregiver - I was the one surrounded by loving arms and his strong and calm support for 32 years and especially at the times when the world was just too hard to face. I'm missing that so very much - and on the days when I feel really low I give myself permission to stop pretending to be the person that makes everyone else feel comfortable. I know now that the doldrums will pass, but I seem to need those down times, and I actually lean into them rather than fight it. One thing I've learned through this ordeal is that you just have to do, what you have to do, to survive...Susie Q

Mary I'm so sorry you had to endure this painful scene. I feel it with you because I KNOW what it feels like. I would rather sleep through all the happy/merry stuff coming up, that's for sure, but it's not going to happen. People in my life try to be extra cheerful around me to keep me going. I guess, they can't win whatever they try to do. For their sake, I am geared up for making it through each festive occasion this year trying to look 'happy' and then I will expect to have the inevitable meltdown alone. What I wish for most for 2012 is the capacity to just feel part of something again, and not to feel an outsider or an observer even when I'm with those that love me most.

Jeanie I know the total devastation and loss of your future that comes with the sudden death of the one that lights your world. My husband died of a cerebral haemmorhage in August 2009 - no previous illness history and he had been fit and active up till that time. All we can do is to keep trying to get through each day and the many challenges they present. It won't feel any better for a long time and you need to prepare yourself for that. Eventually, the raw pain becomes something more manageable for much, but not all of the time. This is a long and difficult path but take heart that others have been through it and you can survive too....Susie Q

Thinking of you as you head into the first Christmas abyss. I can't say that the third feels any easier for me, except that I know I will get through it, just as you will.

Thank you Curly for this topic and to Marty and Kay so very much for your replies. Your words have struck an important chord with me today. I have never processed it before as letting go of the pain, not the person. I've been struggling these last few months with guilt at whether I am 'leaving him behind' as my life starts to rebuild itself. Not in any relationship sense, but just that the activities and momentum of joining the human race again seem to be taking me out of the all consuming darkness of these last 30 months.I'm more of an observer to this process than an active participant but it is happening anyway. Much to think about, but already I feel some burdens lifted. Thank you, thank you, thank you....Susie Q

Take care Harry and know that it's OK to take some space to focus on your needs too, at this difficult time....Susie Q

Mary I understand the frustration and hurt that you feel from insensitive comments, and I have constantly wondered why we take them to heart so much, when I know I am surrounded by other caring and compassionate people. I even had someone, on the day of my husband's memorial service, tell me how well I was looking! I know I wasn't an hysterical wreck, more like a walking, talking zombie but I felt guilty for weeks after that thinking that I may have been perceived as not having been affected by his death. How crazy is it that I could seriously think that and worry about it for so long? To pick up on Kay's point about learning from this nightmare, I have come to the conclusion that I will only take on board the comments or advice that I value from people that I respect. I try to shut out the hurtful, negative and insensitive ones and excuse them as well intentioned or just moronic. Either way works for me. In the first year I would be insulted if people asked if I was OK? HOW COULD I BE OK? I wanted to yell. Now after two and a half years, my general answer is Yes I'm OK, because it's true - not great, not even good, but I'll own up to OK sometimes. It's the same question but I've changed. I feel I am coping better with the fury I felt inside for so very long - the anger at the world, that just seemed to go on as normal when nothing about my life would ever be normal again. Now the anger has changed into a deep ache, just like somewhere along the line, my easy laughter has become just a wry smile. All outcomes of how much we are changed... and regaining the person we once were is just another challenge on this rocky path, I guess.

Dwayne I admire your commitment and your resolve. Well done. You deserve 100% on those finals for all the work you have put into this course....Susie Q

I'm sorry that this new thought is causing you so much pain. My husband also died of a massive brain haemmorrage -it was devastating in its severity and struck with no warning. He was conscious for some of the next day, off and on, and then he became progressively unresponsive as the bleeding continued. I am reminded of the difficult conversation with the consulting specialist neurosurgeon who was gently explaining to me on the 4th day that there was no hope of recovery because my husband had permanently lost the ability to control even the most automatic of functions like breathing and blood pressure control. He was not in a coma, he was brain dead. The doctor said that there was no way to know exactly when 'death of the mind' had occurred, but from what he had seen of the time we had been together in the ICU, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that my husband's last thoughts, whenever that was, would have been of how much he loved us, an understanding of how much he was loved and an appreciation of how lucky he had been in life. He told me to remember this whenever I think of the last hours because the time ahead was about body death, not last thoughts or feelings. It was a great gift to me to have heard those words and I have held onto them tightly ever since. I can understand the views held by many about a person's spirit at death but the words of this kind doctor have helped me to believe that my husband's last thoughts were positive ones about the love, given and received, in his life. I hope this might bring you some comfort as well..Susie Q

Congratulations Dwayne on your goal setting, determination and commitment. I hope the course is everything you hope it to be and I know you'll give it your all...Susie Q

Yes, this is a hard one. It will be my third Christmas and I know it will be better only because I have survived two before. My advice is to only do/go to what you think you can handle -not what you think you should. Stay only as long as you can stand - and let people know when you arrive that it may only be a short visit. Understand that when we were happy we celebrated and did not mean any hurt to anyone else. I try to keep telling myself that it is only one more day without him, just like every other day. The name that we give it won't make me miss him any more or less.It helps me get through those functions when things get really tough. I know I'll still have the tears in the shopping centre; hate buying gifts; cringe when people tell me to have a great Christmas, wish the family/friend get togethers over ASAP etc etc. No way around it, but we will make it through...Susie Q

Melina I'm not big on interpreting dreams or deriving important messages from them. I certainly don't think it means you have accepted anything about this life we have been delivered. I am grateful for the few dreams I have had because it is nice to have him with me in any sense at all. My husband of 32 wonderful years (+8 fun years before we were married) died suddenly in Aug 2009. I cry every day. I have long, sad awake nights, I have times when I question how this could be happening, I sometimes wonder if he was real at all... They all seem to be recurring themes that people express on this site and in some ways it gives me confidence that they are just a part of intense grieving. People also say here that you will find a way to go on with life. I have held on to their wisdom and experience tightly. I am managing to get through most days OK now. Not enjoying the days much or life at all, in the sense that I once did, but slowly I can see the possibility of surviving this nightmare. I am always sad inside but am able to participate and laugh on the outside, so that's a small step forward. Somehow the days become weeks/months/years and you do get through them. I try, because I know that's what he'd want. Accept his loss - never! Be able to cope with it - maybe....Susie Q

I'm really pleased for you Deb. Tonight I especially ache for some colour back in my life. Maybe tomorrow or the next day or the next...Susie Q

I think it depends on the situation. If they should know better because they know me and what I am going through, I make a dignified but noticeable departure from the table/group. If there's a comment made to me about it I just say that it's hard to sit there and listen without getting upset. The point is made without the need to offend. If they don't know me I don't feel that it's inconsiderate. I was hurt last week when a woman in a social group situation went on about how much she had enjoyed the day with her daughter recently. That's fine of course. But the next comment that 'if you don't have family, you don't have anything' cut into my soul. The tears filled my eyes but I agree with her totally!! A friend covered the gaffe by asking me about something unrelated immediately and the others changed the subject. Melina, I put these situations down to just another trial that I have to go through. I don't need the aggravation but it is going to happen from time to time. The hurt shows on my face - I don't need to say anything to them...Susie Q

Dave and Pam

Mary - I struggle with this one. I have no wish to find anyone else because I really still feel very married and yet I don't like the prospect of lots of years alone. I guess that means for me it's a not now, maybe not ever. I have work friends that have remarried after their partner has died and I always felt that it was wonderful that they had found someone who could make them happy again. I never questioned their loyalty or felt that it demeaned their love or devotion to their first spouse, somehow however, I can't seem to apply that logic to my own situation. Life is meant to be full of love and if a special someone comes into our lives at some time in the future, I don't think it could be a bad thing but I ponder the practicalities: -could I take off my wedding ring? -could I put the pictures of us in the house away or relegate them to a lesser place? -would I endlessly compare and judge? -could I leave our home or invite someone else into it? It's all too hard. You shouldn't feel foolish at all. He was looking and liked what he saw. You tested the water and found that you weren't looking. That's OK...Susie Q

Kath I'm feeling the hurt for you and with you. Anniversaries and New Year are the hardest for me because they were all about the future together and so full of promise. I hope the day is OK...Susie Q

Marty is so right. The single most important thing I am learning is that I will be able to recover and go on tomorrow even if today was the worst. Just spent all of yesterday in bed/chair watching TV/doing nothing after a nice day surrounded by friends and family. Good days are usually followed by the realisation AGAIN that he isn't here to share them with and the inevitable meltdown. Tears and sleep used to make me feel guilty for wasting a day but now it makes me stronger for the weeks ahead. I figure it's a compromise that I have to learn to accept. Time to grieve will probably be necessary for me forever...Susie Q

Dave Where you are now is the period where it can all feel like it is going downhill. Reality and shock wearing off seem to let despair and hopelessness take hold in a big way all over again. My best advice is to just stop being and doing...take a step back from being there for everyone else and from doing things in a whirlwind panic. You don't have to have a PLAN right now and you don't need to be 'moving forward'. Do what feels right for you and nothing else. Adjusting to this huge loss in your life is enormous and it's not reasonable to expect that you can take it all in just because you think you should. Give yourself permission to have a break and see where it takes you. At 2 years, I still don't know what the future is but I'm comfortable now about waiting to find out. That's what time does - it let's us adjust to a new state of being (but I can't say it makes living it any easier - just less raw)....Susie Q

I can yes to most of those. No 1) lasted for 20 months. I'm now at No 2)and it's pretty much the same list but I seem to be able to handle them better. Just saying hang in there and see what happens. ..Susie Q

Dear Debbie I guess you can gather by the responses so far that you are not alone in finding the path ahead -without him - a seemingly impossible road to follow. I know that feeling well, as do so many others here. But what you can take away from this site is that each of us has somehow managed to see another hour and then a day out, and then another day until the days somehow make weeks and months and years. Two years for me. It's so very hard, every day, no question about that. But if we can do it, so can you. Your boy (no matter what age he is) needs you and you must hold on to that thought when all else fails. I wish you some comfort and encourage you to come online here when you need or want to. People who truly understand because they KNOW how you feel can keep you going ....Susie Q

Dear Kay Sending you intercontinental birthday wishes. We understand how much you miss him on this day but know that this 'family' also cares because you are special to us too. Susie Q

Dear Dave So happy that your dad is recovering well. Being able to empathise and intervene when appropriate for others is one of the few goods to have come out of this nightmare for me. I recently had the opportunity to explain quietly to someone that the strange reactions they were witnessing from an employee who had recently lost their husband could be part of the fog and disorientation of grief. It prompted the boss to talk quietly to the person and step back from asking for certain tasks to be done that the employee just couldn't face at that time. Good result all round. Glad you could help the young man -- he probably felt overwhelmed and powerless - and don't we know how that feels.

Go you ! You'll make it because you want it so badly...Susie Q

Dear LOH Finding the essence of yourself again is one of the hardest things - almost as hard as saying goodbye to the one who made it all worthwhile. I'm still struggling after two years to try to find a real meaning for getting up every day. For the moment, just getting up and getting through the day and keeping special people close in my life is my goal. I'm pretending to be the person I used to be - maybe that will help me 'come back'. Feeling broken is exactly the way to describe it - and all breaks take time to mend in some fashion. I hope you come back here often - it's not clinical therapy but sharing with others who really understand can be good for the soul...Susie Q