Ron B.

Hi Bec123. My story is similar except that I'm 20+ years older. I lost my dad 10 years ago. And my mom 3 years ago. Then my life completely crashed and burned. I had already lost my job in 2009 due to the financial crash. Nobody was hiring in my field. And for my grief, I had no solid support from anyone. I am single. I had no friends I could regularly talk to. And I had one very hostile sibling that held brutal control over my mother's estate. I just sank into despair and depression. I became neglectful and contrary. I refused to turn the heat on during winter, and that was sufficient to bring on pneumonia. Could not focus or get any useful work done. Was upset and angry almost all of the time. And I had a serious panic attack. I was a complete mess. That's the 'before' picture. My recovery began at about month 3 to 4 when I started seeing a psychologist. I don't know how, but the person I saw was able to calm me. My therapy was a kind of methodical discussion of issues related to grief, anger, and forgiveness. I started reading all kinds of literature on these subjects. And I posted a lot to this forum. My situation improved when my mother's estate got somewhat resolved. And I started getting daily exercise, either bike riding or swimming at a local pool. That helped relieve some the general physical tension within me. Another thing which greatly helped my recovery was getting actively involved with my parents' legacy. At month 5 or 6 I put out a booklet of all my mother's kitchen recipes. Doing this mattered to me a great deal. It was a way of honoring my mother. Since that time I have inherited most of the family photos, and I have been actively involved in various family history projects ever since. I dig out, scan, and share photos with other family members. And I'm learning who I am through my parents' legacy. The last thing I'll mention is that I started a business, which was tiny at first, but now after 3 years I sometimes think I might have to turn away customers. The money isn't great but at least I'm supporting myself. I like my independence. That's the 'after' picture. It's really hard for me to give advice to the newly bereaved. Mostly because I didn't handle those first months well at all. I hope you do better. Counseling, physical exercise, support from this grief site, and finding my parents' legacy were probably the most therapeutic things that I did. But everybody is different. As you read other people's grief stories here, you will get ideas about things that will work for you. And strange as it may sound, grief can be an avenue for personal growth. A warm welcome to you; glad you found us. Ron B.

Hi Aquarius7. Glad to see you posting again. Almost 3 years on and I am still working through grief. Hope you are finding some healing through your grief too. I hope Kim and Rona eventually revisit this thread; neither has returned after posting their replies. I need to acknowledge the importance of what Rona has written. While I ranted on about repairing relationships, Rona makes clear than not every relationship can be repaired. Posts like hers have a searing authenticity. Much of her story is worse than my own. Likewise with your story, Kim's story, and that of ONEofSEVEN. I am humbled just reading through such ordeal. The indignities, offences, and injustices that have occured in our families are very real. I agree that any 'heal all wounds' rant is far too simplistic. There's just no way you, I, or anybody else can know someone else's trauma or pain. Some things may not be forgiveable. And it's understandable when relationships break; that's part of life. But the main reason I reversed course on my own anger was not charitable feeling or a heal-all-wounds mentality. I finally recognized that my anger was driving me to extreme levels of stress. Preserving my own sanity eventually became more important than any issue I had with other family members. So I forgave in order to extinguish the anger. I didn't do it for love. I did it for self preservation. My mindset has become altruistic only as my forgiveness progresses over months and now years. And though I still feel resentments, I can keep good company with these same family members if I work at it. I can't say what's right for anybody else. Just what has worked for me. Take care and god bless. Ron B.

Sherryann, I agree with you. When someone takes the effort to post about their grief here, it's only basic courtesy for this community to give you some kind of response. There are a couple reasons why some posts get neglected. Some of the forums, like the Loss of a Sibling or Twin forum, are quite slow. Frequently weeks will pass by in this forum before something new gets posted. And then, sometimes, the new post is ignored. Yup, the larger community here, me included, ignored your post. This online grieving community in total numbers of active posters is quite small. Probably less than a hundred people post here with any regularity. But there is also a benefit to being small. Once you connect with people here, you will probably find the strong support you are looking for. It just takes a some patience and effort to take root within our community. The only forum that has a lot of traffic is the Loss of a Spouse forum. It may seem ridiculous for you to start posting over there, because you didn't lose your spouse! But that's where people get a lot of feedback here. There are some super posters over there, most notably Kayc and mfh, whose reply posts run into the thousands. They are gifted in counseling others, and most everybody else also tries to help when they can. I was more trouble than help when I came to this community 3 years ago. I was pretty hostile and angry after losing my mother. I argued with people, and probably said a few things that were less than supportive. Despite my negativity, others here somehow found patience to deal with me. Thinking back, why did people here help me when I was such a brat? Yet that support from others did help dissolve some of my dark emotion. Turned me around, my anger diffused after feeling the care was very real. Knowing that others cared made all the difference. All of us here struggle, often intensely, with our own grief issues. We get overwhelmed and are sometimes very self-centered. I am so sorry we let your initial post go without response. I hope you can find the support you need. Here or elsewhere. We are good people, just sometimes a bit neglectful. Apologies for that. Ron B.

Hi, OneofSeven. I am one of four. A lot of us here have been through an ordeal with our siblings. I can identify with everything you have written. Here is my own story, and I'll try to be brief with it. When my father died ten years ago, my sister became extraordinarily abusive. Obscenity. Name calling. Anything to hurt or hit a nerve. She was at war with me. So I severed contact for 7 years. I regret having done that now. Then, when my mother died three years ago, my younger brother decided it was okay to fly into temper tantrums, throw things about, and scream at other people. He has a rage problem, and he's caused a lot of damage. Now, a few years have passed, and we all have changed. Instead of harboring resentments and fighting with one another, we are trying instead to preserve family relationships. We all know that we were difficult, bratty, or at times hurtful back then. Now we are doing our best to repair the damage to our relationships. And for the most part, we are kind and considerate, and make effort to have family gatherings when we are able. But it's been such an ordeal. The difference between your situation and mine, I think, is that I've had a few years to cope with my siblings. Lookiing back, I can hardly believe how wound up I was after each parent's passing. My levels of anger towards various of my siblings were pretty extreme, and it began to affect my mental health. I had to see a psychologist two years ago to help with that. And I did regain some sense of calm. My anxiety began to lift. And my anger began to diffuse. I started feeling 'normal' again. But it took a lot of time to get the healing underway. You, on the other hand, are still in the thick of grief, not just coping with the passing of your father, but also shouldering most of the responsibility for caring for your mom. Not to mention taking flak from your siblings. I wish I could just give you peace and some rest, but that's not the way grief works. Each of us has to pass through grief on our own terms. Probably it does help to know that others have walked the same paths. I too was a target of accusation. My sister made an effort to make me feel guilty; told me that I had abandoned my mother. I knew she was just reaching for anything hurtful to say. But it still upset me, and I had to do some soul-searching to clear my conscience. Oddly, it was my sister who offered the best explanation I've heard about sibling conflict during parental loss. She'd been seeing a psychiatrist, and he explained that siblings who haven't interacted much in adult life are suddenly thrown together by the ordeal of dying parents. The theory goes that we revert to old sibling rivalries we had as children and adolescents. That's how the bratty and hurtful things we did as kids come back into our adult life. Makes some sort of sense. I don't know how else to explain the broad lack of civility and lack of respect that occurred within my own family. I admit that I had a few collisions with other family members, and that I might have been occasionally at fault. And feelings of resentment did sometimes overwhelm me. Somehow the passage of time (3 years) has helped lift me out of those difficult family circumstances, and I'm very glad for it. I never want to go back to warring with my siblings. I too was a care-giver to my parents during their last months of life. But not like you. I'd stay for weeks at a time, not anything like the 8 years that you have devoted to the care of your own parents. You have also endured financial hardship, by putting your parents first. So, I think you are above the criticism inflicted by your siblings. Hold your head high, as you know you have done and are doing the right things. It's extremely difficult sometimes not to feel resentment. When demeaned by the critical comments of other siblings, just how are we supposed to bounce back like things are normal? I'm still learning basic things about retracting my own anger, and about not feeding resentment. I usually get in trouble when I start acting out and getting demonstrative with my anger. If there's one thing I do that helps, it's to walk away for a while, and minimize contact with the person who's hurt me. I feel so lost in the meantime, and it's a god-send to find good support from people who really understand my ordeal. Eventually, I recover and am able to face whomever hurt me, without resentment. Somehow the death of both my parents has humbled me. I think we all experience a storm of emotions at first when going through grief. Later, my grief has turned into a persistent sadness, but also a thoughtfulness that runs pretty deep. My parents legacy matters a lot to me now and gives me some sense of purpose. Perhaps I am beginning to feel my own mortality. I just want to be at peace with others and to do a little good before I am gone. I'm not so sure that we can take our siblings to task for neglecting parents. I too feel they have an obligation to do their share. And not be critical of our efforts, particularly when they've done so little. But my brothers and sisters have their own lives. It's not up to me to say what they should do or how they should comport themselves. It's true that I'd like to throttle them sometimes for their callous, stupid, and hateful behaviors, but that's just my petty and temporary resentment. My brothers and sister have their good sides too; I've come to appreciate that. I've got to accept them 'as is', with all of their faults. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to change my brothers or sister by reprimanding them. My best chance of influencing them is by being kind to them; sometimes that shocks them into being a bit more considerate. For example, I inherited the family photos, so you can probably guess what I do. I send them photos of mom and dad. That plucks their heart strings, and issues they have about me just mostly dissolve. And the effort is coming from all sides, not just from me. They are trying to upright their sibling relationships too. It's just taken a couple years for us to figure it out. We all want to preserve what's left of our family. I hope you can work constructively to deal with your own sibling issues. No doubt, the ordeal of grief and your mom's care is weighing pretty heavily upon you now, so it's a difficult time in all respects. If there's any advice I can give, other than sharing sibling issues, it's this: Stay as healthy as you can. Eat well, Sleep well. Keep doing those things that feed you some positive emotion, whether it's your music, your dogs, your child, or whatever. Somehow you will be able to find friends or family who understand your issues; that kind of support is precious. Find time for yourself too, when you need it. I had to get counseling; maybe that will help you too. I appreciate when people here tell their grief stories at some length. For me it's like a banquet of ideas, and I particularly value how people give verbal expression to their emotions. This helps me think through and feel my own grief in a systematic way. I know most others here tend toward brevity in their posting, which is more conversational and easier to reply to. I hope you don't mind my wordy response; I really appreciate what you have posted. Stay healthy! Ron B.

Kim, I wanted to make sure that you get sufficient feedback regarding your own anger. I am not a counselor. I'm just giving a personal testamonial. I hope I can pass on to you a few clues about what helps heal anger and what does not. There is one other person here I know of who has been through your and my kind of anger, and that's Aquarius7. He last posted in late November and he has not provided an email link. No doubt there are others here with anger issues, but our levels of anger may be somewhat uncommon. Anger has disrupted our lives and our families. My way out was through counseling, education, and the practice of forgiveness. I'd like to get an update on how Aquarius7 is doing; hope he comes around. Here is the worst of what happened in my own family and how it got fixed. My sister gained control of my mother's estate, locked me out of my mother's house, threw out my my belongings, would not consult with me in matters of estate business, and was deliberately hurtful on occasions when I did speak with her. It was brutal. To settle the estate my sister summoned the 4 of us siblings to a dozen estate meetings held on alternate weekends. The plan was to empty my mother's house and prepare it for sale. My sister did not give consideration to the fact that two of us live in Northern California. I and my brother had to fly or drive down to Southern California, mostly just to clean house. The cost of flights and hotel bills exceeded several thousand dollars. This was a minor hardship. My sister, on the other hand, lived minutes away from my Mother's house, so she was not inconvenienced at all. I could have come down for a full month and done work. Nope. She had to keep the weekend schedule. But the worst of it was how she handled issues of inheritance. This was done in the manner of a public auction. We had one hour to view my mother's possessions, and then we were to take turns in choosing what we wanted. If any of us exceeded one minute in taking a turn, we would lose that turn. These arrangments horrified me. I was not familiar with my mother's possessions. Besides furniture and electronics, she had crystal, china, silver, art, and a great variety of personal items; it would take me hours to give it a good looking over. Now, it's quite easy for me to blame my sister for handling inheritance like a public auction. But that would not be entirely fair. It was actually the estate lawyer who suggested the one-hour-view and one-minute-per-turn business. Lawyers just want to get estate business done and settled. They do not understand family dynamics, and they often end up brutalizing families, sometimes unknowingly. So the trouble over family inheritance wasn't entirely my sister's fault. I could blame the lawyer too! Funny how my sister also did some things very well, that I myself may not have been capable of doing. She took exceptionally good care of the medical needs of my mother for several years. Her efforts probably extended my mother's life for a year or perhaps more. My sister also suffered; she had anxiety issues that were severe, requiring medication for many months. All of this makes my sister less deserving of my wrath. So a bit of my anger eroded. And my own behavior came up as a subject of review before other members of my family. Everybody told me I was "too intense". I couldn't really figure out what they were talking about at the time. In retrospect I can see that I was wound up and highly emotional. There were a few times I came into collision with other family members. I made a few public scenes, vented, got crabby, or was just generally disagreeable. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. So how can I fault everybody else when my own conduct was sometimes in question? It's a lot like the pot calling the kettle black. If the rest of my family is up for criticism, well then so am I. All of us siblings were grumpy and difficult with one other. At times it felt like a war zone; everybody had different opinions, everybody became offended or angry, siblings would gang up and take sides, exclusion of family members from this or that event happened, and we had every other kind of conflict. Watch us now 2+ years later, and the change is stark. We just held our first family reunion, and everybody attended. Yea! We were so solicitious of one another that it was comical. We all know we behaved very badly back then. But none of us want to talk about it. No rehash. It's like we have this unspoken agreement. Can we please move on? Nobody wants more war. We were all on our best manners and even kind to one another. But my younger brother's issues are still ongoing. A year ago all of us siblings gathered at his house to sort through my mother's papers. A disagreement arose about one item, and I thought we were discussing the matter with good civility. Instead my younger brother leaped up from his couch. Pushed me. Started screaming at me as loud as he could. "Get out of my house!" "Get out of my house!" A dozen times. For a full minute. I was completely stunned by what happened. For weeks I couldn't make any sense of it. So I started to search the internet for literature about people who have rage issues. And I found the web site of the American Psychological Association; they offer some very good resources for controlling anger. See the link below this paragraph. As it turns out, people with rage issues have a very hard time retracting their anger. Once they start to smolder just a little bit, they become prone to flare. Some event will trigger their rage, and they lose control. This explanation of the mechanisms of anger gave me insight into my brother's explosive behavior. I realized his behavior wasn't deliberately hurtful. It was just my brother breaking down. And though I still feel hurt by his screaming, I can forgive him now. I had even considered severing relations, but a little education saved me from that mistake. I'm so glad I walked away from that incident without taking rash action. http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx# This above link to the APA's page on controlling anger also helped me to understand myself. I do not fit the profile of someone with a rage problem; rather I internalize my anger. I never strike anyone, scream, or throw things about. I just generally avoid confrontation, walk away from any difficulty, and then brood about lingering issues. Sometimes I get completely stuck and I don't know what to do. That's when I reread the content from the APA website; it helps me develop coping strategies. It may help you too. The other thing that really helped with my anger was psychological counseling. I went to my psychologist at about month 3 after my mother passed. I was in full crisis mode at the time. I had a bad case of pneumonia, and I was being pressed to attend family estate meetings. I was worried sick about everything, and close to nervous break-down. So what this psychologist did first was to calm me. He was good at that. He had a 'tool-box' approach to my therapy. The first tool he gave me was a 'mantra'. He told me that I could compose a simple sentence, and then repeat it to myself through portions of the day or when I had difficulty. For example, I could say, "I am going to get through this with my dignity intact". I thought the mantra idea was a bit stupid, but I tried it. And after several hundred repetitions over several days, I realized that it had some effect. Then I figured out that it was possible to plant other positive thinking within my psyche and help it grow. I needed to create some counter-force to all the negative thinking that was going on in my head. And the negative thinking was systematic; every time I thought about my sister I'd jolt into higher levels of anger. So I tried rather aggressively to cram in the positive stuff. The forgiveness thing really helped with that. So for weeks I just read literature about anger, grief, and forgiveness. Fresh ideas filled my mind. And I could feel a change start to happen. Another tool my psychologist gave me was insight into how we rehearse our personal stories. If I think of the rotton things my sister did, I link directly to emotions of anger. If I think that my entire family had issues at that time, there is much less reason for anger. Likewise, I can be humiliated by brother's screaming. Or I can realize that my brother has has a life-long rage problem. The point is that we can choose how to frame our own narrative. Some of your own narratives are already very good. You took great care of your father! That should produce positive emotion and raise your morale. It's the other narratives you've got going about other family members that carry so much negative emotion. And it's not so easy to slough off anger. It'll take you plenty of time to figure it out. My psychologist also gave me an indication of how long it takes to get better. He works with people who have been remanded into anger management programs. He told me that people need to be in these programs at least three weeks, or else there is no positive effect. After 3 weeks, the effectiveness of the programs become clear; people with anger problems start to improve. And that's just the first signs of change. A more complete time frame for change gets into months. Likewise with the rest of us; it takes not just weeks but a couple months of effort to change our behaviors. I'm finished now explaining my own ordeal with anger, and now I'd like to address your issues. You wrote: "I have a lot of siblings (6) that have done so many things that were hateful and hurtful that will take a long time for that to heal and it will definitely not be overnight. My mother as well, how do you forgive her when I feel she was the one that may have caused his death at least to expedite it? " Okay, I will try to answer your question about forgiving the hateful and hurtful things. Please be patient with my answer (the rest of my post). My best one sentence answer is that you yourself, your thinking, and your feelings will have to change. You have little or no control over how your siblings or your mother behave. The only thing you can change is yourself. That's how things will get better for you. As you change and your anger diminishes, your capacity for forgiveness will grow. Now, the main problem seems to be that you have suffered humiliations, offenses, disrespect, and injustices from family members. Think for a minute about humiliation. No one likes to be humiliated. It's a power trip, and it's very unkind. But how serious of an injury is humiliation really? Well, my sister's nastiness and my brother's aggression really bothered me for a long time. But the pain has receded over months. I've been able to rethink the story of how these things happened. Likewise with the various offenses or disrespect that occurred within my family. Everybody felt deeply offended or disrespected by someone else. None of us were saints. More like brats. But two years has been enough time for hard feelings to soften. Now we are okay with each other. Polite! Time does have a way of healing. Most of your frayed emotions will heal too. You do have one issue that's particularly difficult. You suggest that your mother may have had a clear role in bringing about your fathers demise. If this is true, then the injustice is great, and forgiveness will be difficult. I will try to help you with this. When someone takes deliberate actions that lead to another's death, this is plainly a criminal offense. So it's important to get the facts straight, so someone doesn't stand falsely accused. Now I'm not going to challenge any of the evidence (because I don't know what happened). I'm just going to try to construct alternative explanations, and I'm okay if you shoot them down. Could it have been uncaring or slightly neglectful behavior, rather than criminally malicious behavior? What if your mother was herself depressed and was having a difficult time coping? Or maybe you have misread some of her behaviors? All I am saying is that you don't want to jump to hasty conclusions. Everybody now and then gets pretty certain of their own convictions. My younger brother is the perfect example. He absolutely positively knows he is right. He'll get bent out of shape about someting, and think his anger is righteous! Until, that is, he learns that he's wrong. And then it's crushing for him. Because he was so sure. And he's taken some sort of stand that turns out to be all wrong. Likewise with everybody else. We know we are right! Our own views are front row center. And we become blind to to the views of people who don't see things our way. Here's is another way to think about it. Could you stand inside your mother's shoes and faithfully present her side of the story? Not so easy! There are always two sides to every story. Sometimes we misread other people's motives or don't get their story straight. All I'm suggesting is that there are ways to completely rethink your anger. Your thinking and your feelings will evolve. Over months, the anger you feel now will probably dissipate, and you'll no longer feel so stuck. Now in my late 50s, I'm done with free-falling through anger. My siblings, excepting my younger brother, have all figured out that anger has been a damaging force in our lives. Now my family life has been restored. I hang out with with my family when they are pleasant. And I get scarce when they become difficult. It's not a complete picture of family harmony. But at least my family is intact. My best suggestion is that you let your feelings cool off for a couple months. Why rush anything? Concentrate on your own recovery. Stay as healthy as you can. Sleep well. Eat well. Get good social support wherever you can find it. See a counselor if you are able. And don't worry so much about having to patch family relationships. Probably your siblings and mother will also benefit from letting a little time go by. If you do decide to forgive them, you do not have to tell them directly, it can be something you do within your own heart. And don't expect anyone to admit any wrong; the best you'll probably get is a willingness to move on. You said only one thing that I will dispute. You wrote: "Ron [...] you are definitely stronger then I am." I've rarely read such complete nonsense. My story is one of stumbling my way through grief and anger with plenty of breakdowns. I lived estranged from my sister for seven years. That's not a success. It's been two years since my mother passed and ten years since my father passed. I've been glacially slow in finding good solutions. But things are good for me now. It just took me a long time to figure things out. It's going to be hard work for you. You will have to find your own solutions; nobody can pass through grief and anger for you. Forgiveness worked real well for me. Try it! Otherwise work on restoring a little peace and calm back into your life, any way you can go about doing that. End of rant. Ron B.

Kim, I am working on a reply post. It's rather long, so give me a day and I'll get back to you. Ron B.

Dear jesjniles, All of us here have experienced serious grief. But your grief is particularly difficult. The shortened life of an innocent child, and the desperate act of a teenager taking his own life... These deaths have an element of tragedy or wrongness about them. Compare the passing of my mother two years ago. She lived 78 years! And lived a full life! So I can make peace with her passing. Making peace with a tragic death has got to be more difficult. To be honest about it, I can not comprehend the depth of your pain. But I am trying. You will probably find others here who have been through a grief very similar to your own. And you'll see all the other kinds of grief as well. Though each person's grief is unique, there are many common issues that we share. The strength of our community is in providing a network of social support for everybody who grieves. And we can probably help you with specific suggestions about how to alleviate and heal some of the pain. To try to help you now, I'll just briefly mention what helped me in the early weeks. Somehow something compelled me to take bike rides for an hour every day. The fresh air, the exercise, and the natural world about me somehow gave me some relief. In the subsequent months I started swimming at a local city pool, and that definitely helped calm me. In the 3rd month I decided to go in for psychological counseling, and though I wasn't optimistic at the time, in retrospect I am convinced it was quite helpful. In later months I started working with family photo albums. Focusing on family history helped give me some sense of purpose. Those things that help with grief we call 'grief work'. Almost everybody here has found some activity that helps them get through the rough time. Mostly these are simple things that have some intrinsic interest, like gardening, music, pets, painting, friends, exercise, and so forth. These activities focus our thoughts and feelings on something else besides grief, pain, and loss. More ambitious grief work in subsequent months can include working with the legacy of our deceased family member. One particularly difficult thing about grief is a feeling of impairment. We are often so constantly upset, that we are not able to focus our attention for any length of time to get work done. On some days just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Fortunately, that feeling of impairment does lift with the passing weeks. You will feel better and more able after a month or two rolls by; please be patient. Sometimes there are specific issues that need more immediate attention. You mentioned you were not sleeping. Many of us have had trouble sleeping. I started daily exercise to cope with this problem, and it helped. For more serious sleep issues a physician can prescribe medications. Another red-flag issue is anxiety. I had one serious anxiety attack that had me sprawled out on my bed, breathless and grasping my chest for a couple minutes. I thought it was a heart attack, but then my physician was able to identify it as anxiety. After a couple months my anxiety dissipated. If your claustrophobia anxiety is severe or persistent, you can probably get a physician to prescribe appropriate medication. The beginning of a grief journey is the most difficult time. I hope our community can help you find your way. Welcome to our forums. Ron B.

Greetings, and welcome to our grief forums. I was hoping to address you by first name, but "Missing My Dad Everyday" works well enough. I've read and reread your post. It's very interesting for me, because I've been through a similar ordeal with my own family members. I hope you don't mind my long reply to your post; as I try to understand your issues this helps me resolve some of my issues. Many of us here are walking similar paths. The first thing I want to address is the issue of anger. I've dealt with a lot of anger through the passing of both of my parents, and I'd like to think I've learned something from the experience. I'm not quite sure why so much anger often surfaces after the passing of parents. It seems that we get swamped with a flood of emotions during grief; besides anger there's plenty of despair, deep sadness, and anxiety too. Most of us are unprepared for the flood of intense emotions; our levels of distress rocket off the scale at times, and break-downs become pretty normal for those of us who grieve. Eventually healing and recovery does happen, but in the mean time we are left with learning how to honestly feel our way through these intense emotions. Perhaps my own story of anger with my family will give you some perspective: When my father died ten years ago, my sister and I had unresolved issues. Regretably, my sister targeted a lot of anger at me, and I'm still not sure why. She had this habit of being demonstrative when angry, subjecting others to obscenity and other verbal abuse, so long as it hit a nerve, hurt, or humiliated. It was horrible stuff. After the several occasions of her verbal assaults, I just cut her off. I refused to see her or speak to her for 7 years. My mother made an effort to repair the broken relationship, just a year before her own death. She asked my sister and I to forgive each other. And we did! But I'll tell you it wasn't an easy or immediate forgiveness. We see each other a couple times a year now, talk a bit, and we exchange emails. And I will tell you directly, that it's vastly better to have a working relationship with a sibling than an estranged relationship. My estrangement from my sister was horrible, regretable, and I would never let such a thing happen again. I think I've learned that much. More reasons why my anger was wrong: 1) I couldn't find the peace of mind I needed to digest my father's passing. I was too busy being angry with my sister. 2) The split between me and my sister had collateral damage; it screwed up my relationship with my mother. I ended up not seeing my mom much at all for 7 years. And when she died, I realized that I had lost all that time I could have spent with her. 3) The split upset other family members. 4) Anger left me constantly upset and this was wrong for my temperament. I need to live at peace with other people without harboring resentment. I can not and will not live in anger. 5) My anger was futile, because it did not permanently solve any problem. It's just postponed all the difficulty for later. Okay, I see that you have plenty of reason to be angry too: 1) That your mom was callous towards your father. 2) That your siblings neglected your father. 3) That it was an indignity when family members pressed your father to sign various documents on his death bed. 4) That your mother may deny you any inheritance or keepsakes from your father. And there are plenty of other things that appear to be wrong. But set all that aside for a second. Think for a moment on what YOU did right. You were there for your father, when there was no one else for him. For that alone, your dignity should be completely intact. Now, the issue is what to do with all your anger. From my own ordeal with anger, I'll tell you, those first months are unrelentingly difficult. My anger only subsided noticeably when I went in for psychological counseling at about month 4 after my mother died. I should have started earlier. Besides talking about my feelings with my therapist, I read a lot of literature about grief, anger, and forgiveness. Into the second month with my counselor, I distinctly felt less wound up, like I suddenly gained a calmed perspective. It's rare when I see myself clearly changed for the better, so I am now a strong believer in the benefits of counseling. That's just what I did. And many if not most of us here have experienced anger with family, relatives, and friends during grief. Which is to say, your emotions are within the normal range. Mood swings and emotional crashes are just part of the territory of grief, so you will learn coping skills as you go. One almost weird thing that really helped me with anger were ordinary people who remained kind to me, even when I was crabby and difficult. Kindness has a way of lifting away anger. Maybe that's the cure. I think we need to learn to forgive family for even the very worst things that they do. Else we will hold onto resentments, and preserving family relationships becomes all the more difficult. I think it might also help you to let a little time pass just to let your thinking and feelings evolve. The hardness of feeling should slip away just a bit. It took me until about month 6 before I felt sociable at all, and a full year before my family was able to be together for several days of the holiday season. To be honest with you, I no longer trust my own anger. It has caused me real grief. So now when I back down from anger, I feel proud! It's when I get demonstrative with my anger that things go south for me. I hope my ordeal with anger provides some sort of mirror for your own. Glad that you found your way to these forums! Ron B.

Hi, Lydiajane. I checked your profile, and I see that you are from Vancouver. I have family in Vancouver and have visited your city. I know about the tainted 'ecstasy' (MDMA) that killed about a dozen people in western Canada. This ecstasy was adulterated with PMMA, a kind of amphetamine with high toxicity. It was an underground drug lab that concocted this poisoned ecstasy. Organized criminal gangs run these labs, and they certainly don't care about you or me. It's all about money for them, and it's an extraordinarily lucrative business. They don't personally suffer when someone dies from their drugs; it's just a blip on the local news . Clearly, these criminal gangs and their ghastly drug labs are to blame for your friend's death. They created the poison, not you. They deliberately spread it to your community. I can't see how you are responsible for your friend's death in any substantial way. The thugs who created the poison killed her; not you. At the worst you engaged in a risky behavior by consuming street drugs. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a complicated kind of trauma. And I agree with Marty's suggestion that you get psychological counseling. These forums can also be a resource for you; our collective smarts and experience does help with the healing. Please let us know how your are doing as the weeks go by; I'm still a little worried for you. Ron B.

Hi Beth. I respect you for the tough decision you made about your father's end-of-life care. Please don't beat yourself up over these things; many of us have had to make very difficult decisions; we get it. You write: "I am shocked with the depth of my grief and how very out of control I feel with m[y] emotions." Before my mom died 2 years ago, I had absolutely no idea of how crushing grief could be. It was like discovering a new plane of reality; I could barely function day to day, and I was upset almost all the time. Everybody in this forum knows how wrenching grief can be; you are not alone in your feelings. The collective wisdom here seems to be that we can't control the grief, nor should we try. Rather we learn how to pass through grief, and let it flow through us. Eventually most of us find things to do on a daily basis that help us cope. In the first weeks I felt compelled to get outside and air my thoughts; I'd take bike rides for an hour each night, even when it was raining. I didn't care; the fresh air and rain on my face helped pull me out of my looping and grieving thoughts. When I was able to be in public, I started swimming at a city pool, and the exercise was helpful. I also kept a diary in the first weeks. I finally went in for psychological counseling at about month 4; I should have started sooner. I'm just suggesting that you can find regular activities of some kind that will help you through your grief. People here do a gazillion different things to cope; I'm sure you will get ideas by reading other people's posts. Glad you found our community; it has helped me greatly over the last two years. Ron B.

Greetings. I've lost both of my parents, but it was only when I lost my mom two years ago that my grief became emotionally overwhelming. When my father died, ten years ago, I was a lot like you are now. I can't remember crying at all. Like you, I just stayed busy. I started a new job at that time, and maybe that kept my mind away from thoughts of grief. Sometimes I think back to the loss of my father, and I wonder, did I really grieve at all? The grief of losing my mom is what prompted me to think more and more about my dad. I think back on the things he said, and the things we did together. Even his faults make more sense to me now. My appreciation of him as a parent has finally taken a strong hold. The memories are tinged with sadness too; not always easy to bear. But I also gain strength when I think of my dad or my mom. Their good character and the things that they taught me are still guiding me. I'm saying that it has taken me ten years for me to grieve the loss of my father. I don't know why I didn't cry, get sad, get angry, or rant out my feelings. Somehow, I just needed a decade to figure things out. Maybe it will help you to take a longer term view of parental loss. 3 months is just too brief a time to digest it all. And in some ways you may be fortunate to have avoided the early and most upsetting time of grief; many of us here can barely function in the first months. People just grieve to very different time frames, and there's no reason to fault yourself for not pouring out emotion now. I agree with you completely that it's not right to coerce our emotions into expressions of grief. The feeling has to well up naturally on its own. And though you may feel emotionally 'detached' now, you can gain on that by using this forum, reading grief literature, seeing a counselor, or doing whatever grief-work you choose. As you focus on grief issues, your thoughts and feelings will evolve. In coming months you will probably gain good clarity about what helps you heal and what doesn't. These are just my opinions; take what seems right and chuck the rest. And thank you for your post; it has helped me understand my own grief. Ron B.

Hi Shelly. I've seen a bunch of therapists over a couple decades. More than a dozen, I'm pretty sure. Some for single sessions, others for therapy running several months. With most I did give some relevant background about my personal history. But that wasn't the main thing. At any one time I was trying to solve specific psychological difficulties. Issues I had when in college, are different from the issues I had in the workplace, which are different from my issues with grief. Sometimes the therapy is about fixing current problems, and not about regurgitating personal history. Like you, each time I tell my story, it gets a little worn. And I don't like feeling stuck in my own past. I prefer to believe that my story is evolving, and that I have choices that can influence how my life develops. So I think it's OK sometimes to bury old stuff if it hurts. There are a lot of things from my past that I don't want to replay or rehash. Like you and like everyone else here, I don't need more emotional ordeal than I'm already carrying. So I go light on my past issues when I can. I like the idea that I have fresh choices, that I can move on, that I am free, that I am not stuck. But I understand your predicament. Somehow you have to clue in a new therapist about your issues. My stomach used to go into knots in those situations. But now I'm getting too old for that! Somehow I am learning to be simple and honest in what I say. I don't know if this will make sense to you, but sometimes it really helps me to be blunt. Otherwise I keep beating around the bush with my feelings and with what I am trying to say. Probably your feelings and thoughts will evolve as you work to find a new therapist. Why rush things, if your motivation is on empty? Think it over! Gather your thoughts. Give it the time it needs. When you've got to move forward on the issue, you will know. Trust yourself to make the right decisions! Ron B.

Hi Amz. I've tried 3 times now to write an answer to your post, but each time I get stuck. I think the big questions are just very hard to answer. After losing a parent, most of us have an upwelling of raw emotion that's real hard to deal with. Most of us are able to cry. Expressing these emotions during grief better enables us to cope with the difficulty of bereavement. If in your grief you haven't cried or expressed your emotions openly, that's just a bit different than the norm is all. In one sense you are lucky not to have been clobbered by so much difficult emotion. In another sense you may have to make more effort to tune in to your feelings if they don't pop out on their own. Dealing with grief, for many of us, is done just by enduring the difficult emotions. But since you haven't been tossed about by rough emotions, you wonder whether you've dealt with grief at all. And you are probably right to have concern. But please also have some faith in the powers of healing. I believe you can get past any difficulty, just by connecting with your Mom and her legacy. If you really want to jump-start your own recovery from grief, then go in for professional grief counseling or psychotherapy. And don't feel bad if you can't do that, for whatever reason. Less intensive grief work is ok too; at least that's what I think. Posting your grief issues here is probably sufficient to get your thoughts and feelings in motion. Better still if you can find other active grief work. My own grief work has included: keeping a diary in the first months, reading psychological and self help literature, seeing a psychologist, getting exercise, posting to these forums, issuing a book of my Mom's kitchen recipies, and working with my Mom's photos. How do we know when we've dealt with grief? Well, the pain of losing a mother or father never goes away completely. That pain slowly diminishes, while at the same time our parents' legacy tends to grow. When you can put your Mom's portrait on your wall or your desk, you are acknowledging her place in your life. Our parents can still give us guidance, even though they are not physically alive. As you work to reclaim your Mom's legacy, you begin to own it. It becomes you. It will give you strength. This is what replaces the pain of grief. As you find your Mom's legacy, you'll have dealt with your grief. That's just how I see things. I hope this helps. Ron B.

Hi Amz, Well, I don't think a ton of bricks is going to fall on you any time soon. I think not dealing with grief just postpones it for later. Somehow we are able to bury difficult feelings, sometimes for years. We get swept up by events in our lives that make it difficult to openly grieve. So we grow a bit numb and become a bit mentally and emotionally stuck. Delayed grief can be very difficult! Active grieving, in contrast, is a direct expression of all the difficulty we feel. Actively grieving releases the difficult emotions, so our thinking and our feelings can evolve. In this sense grief is good! But learning how to grieve can be challenging. Almost everybody here does some sort of 'grief work'. Reading and posting to this forum definitely helps us express our grief. Breaking out photos or other memorabilia from your Mom would be another kind of grief work. Seeing a counselor would be a direct channel for you to face difficult emotions, that's another option. So long as you find some activity that regularly connects you to your Mom, then you will be actively grieving. Don't worry about having to emote or express difficult emotions; that will just happen. If you are able to cry at all, then you are also able to heal. Ron B.

Hi Blondie. Good video! I noticed that in all the photos Rachael is smiling. Wow, what a positive attitude when facing one's own demise. I also learned about Huntington's disease, thank you. I hope you can post a few more words here; your voice, your words, and your video help us all. Welcome to Hospice of the Valley grief forums. - Ron B.

Hi Naimh, A few thoughts for you: In the span of two years since my Mother passed away, my grief for her has changed from being lost in despair to finding strength in her legacy. Being true to my mother's legacy is everything for me now; this helps me find my way. Over the 5 decades of my life I've had my doubts about the human race, seeing so much conflict, selfish behavior, and neglect of those who need help. This grief forum has helped dispel my doubt. Finding people here that actually care, think, and work to help one another has been a revelation. My own healing has been fostered in no small way. Like parents, this community is a powerful force of good in a world that can sometimes be hostile. And a story from my Mom: In her last month she requested that we mark her passing not with solumn mourning, but rather with a "big party". So that's what we did, with a deluxe lay-out of food, drink, and live music; some 140 people came to celebrate her life. My mother's message always was to find the joys of life and not get stuck in woe or misfortune. Beauty and good feeling is everywhere, if only we look to find it. Ron B.

Missyme, I'm glad to see you posting again. Like you, I left this site for months, but then realized I still had grief issues that needed work. I have found some good ways to work on my grief; maybe what I do will give you some ideas. At about the six month mark, I photocopied all my Mother's kitchen recipes and put together a cook book. Now all my family and relatives have my Mom's recipes. It wasn't a big project, just a couple weeks, but it sure felt good having completed the book. It's part of preserving my Mom's legacy. I rant a lot about legacy; I think it's important. Then at the one year mark I inherited my family's photo collections. So I bought a scanner, and started digitizing some of the family photos. A relative prompted me to do a photo history of our family going back a hundred years. Over 400 photos went into that project. And recently, I've been scanning photos of my Mother, mostly from her childhood and years before she married my father. I email the photos to other family; this helps us keep in touch. OK, here is what I really like about my grief work. It's a structured activity; I just sit down at my computer, find photos of my Mom, and then clean up the photos with Photoshop software. I really don't have to think or plan much; I just do the work. And some of the photos make me cry; this helps me connect with my grief. Something else started to happen when I was working on the cook book and family photos. My memory opened up, and I started to recall all kinds of things about my Mom. Memories and feelings would flood into my mind, not just while I worked, but throughout each day and even when I dreamed. Sometimes the memories were slightly painful, other times I was just bewildered by my recollections. Felt like I was reliving things; I'd connect with moods and feelings of many years past. This memory flooding is part of the healing process, at least that's what I think. But your grief, Missyme, is substantially more difficult than my own. There is real tragedy in the loss of your brother at such young age. It'll probably be harder for you to face photos and memorabilia from your brother, than it is for me to look at my Mother's stuff. But facing the pain is what we need to do, if only in little doses. If you can look at photos of your brother, or talk about your brother's life, that's a good start. Crying, when you feel so inclined, definitely helps. You could also go in for counseling if you really want to tackle your grief more forcefully. But I think the basic goal is to stay actively engaged with the memory of your brother. Otherwise we can become inclined to ditch and bury painful memory. By doing the grief work we address the trauma, our thoughts and feelings evolve, and we set up good conditions for healing to begin. It's not like trauma just kills us dead psychologically; we can face it and gradually work through it. Hoping that your kids and your Mom are in good health, Ron B.

Marty, I really thought the Internet Archive had saved most content from this forum. But on closer examination, it looks like I'm wrong. Only a portion got saved. Using their 'wayback machine', I've plugged in the the Hospice of the Valley URL (http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?), and the following web page comes up: http://wayback.archive.org/web/*/http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php? This page lists snapshots of our grief forum at various dates back to 2004. Here is their web crawl for August 8th, 2010: http://web.archive.org/web/20100808012610/http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php? Now here's what's wrong: The links only run about 2 levels deep. Yes, individual forums can be pulled up. Yes, the immediately visible posts within that forum will display. But most deeper links, like earlier posts in the forum, do not display. For fast moving forums like Loss of a Spouse, a dozen shallow web crawls a year doesn't begin to capture all content. For slow moving forums, most content is retrievable. So, the Internet Archive is not a good solution for retrieving old posts from this forum. It's a hit or miss kind of thing. Oh well. Looks like I'll be saving my old posts as you suggest; with lots of cutting and pasting. Ron B.

Marty, Well, you have less reason to worry about losing content. Most of the posts have been preserved at the Internet Archive. www.archive.org They actually download and preserve most internet content. They have their 'way-back machine', in which you post the URL for a web-site of interest. For example, here is what the Hospice of the Valley website looked like in August 2004: http://web.archive.org/web/20040818175451/http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/ It's not perfect; sometimes the site will replay with all links intact, other times the links won't follow through. Just pick a date when the links seem to work. This is not a complete solution, but with effort most of the old posts can probably be retrieved. Cheers! Ron B.

Miss Ngu, Hi. I am glad if my posts were helpful. But I was a complete brat when I came to this forum two years ago. I quarreled with people here, and gave our online counselor, Marty, a particularly hard time. I have a mountain of regret about that, and I'm still trying to spread a little good to make up for my earlier bad behavior. I have recovered from early grief, and I am OK now. Reading the posts in this thread, however, brings back all the feelings of early grief. I'm not so sure I'm any good for giving you advice, as I did not negotiate my way through early grief very well at all. Some things you wrote about: The change in family dynamics after a family member dies. This topic doesn't get the attention here that it deserves. Family members can be changed by the loss, acting strangely cold, uncaring, or even hostile. At the root of it must be their own grief; like the rest of us they are overwhelmed and less able to cope. My sister got nasty for an entire year, and now suddenly she is sociable and even warm towards me. I don't understand why this relationship went bad and then went good. But I'm not complaining. And my brother has an anger problem, where he just blows up at people without much warning. He blew up at me. And I don't understand any of it. You wrote: "I wish I asked my Mother more about her grief when her mother (my Grandmother) died." I remember my Mother when she went through grief after losing her mother (my grandmother). I was only 7 or 8 at the time, but now, 50 years later, I can piece together how she dealt with it. She put on a brave face in front of us kids; we didn't know about her grief, but it emerged in slightly disruptive ways; I remember my parents having arguments at that time. That root connection with a mother runs so deep, the loss is just not something that can be 'managed' or 'handled'. In her last day as my mother lay dying, she was semi-conscious and was calling out for her mother as she would have done as a child. "Mama!" Memories like this still overwhelm me and leave me in tears. You wrote about being overwhelmed with difficult emotions, while at the same time having to keep a pleasant demeanor before others. I think a partial solution is to find time, place, and people with whom you can share some of the difficult feelings. So long as you give yourself some opportunity to express the things you are feeling, then you'll better be able to swallow your grief and put on a public face when you need to. There is nothing phony or inauthentic about maintaining a public face; it's a necessity of life. Finding good ways to grieve is the real challenge. Keeping our composure in public is less important. Sometimes we are supposed to break down; that's the nature of grief. I really like what you said about suicide: "Suicide is not really a karmic option, in my opinion. Staying alive and touching other peoples lives (even in ways we don't realize), must be part of our life's process. Learning life's lesson of love, and the "do unto others..." is what it is all about." For those of us in despair, your words are a pretty good reason to side with life. About me: I am a librarian, and I have buried myself in books, papers, and words for most of my life. I haven't done the normal things, like marry and have kids. And for all the events in my life, the passing of my Mother has changed me the most. I wouldn't wish away any of the grief. Grief is a natural process that I respect; it has compelled me to learn and adapt. At year 2 since my Mom's passing, the wild swings of emotion are gone, but I know that I will grieve for years to come, and that this will help broaden my humanity. And thank you for your posts, (and thanks to Credu, Susan, and Aquarius too); I have much food for thought. I try to keep up with the various grief forums, but once threads get several replies I just get buried. So I pick and choose posts; mostly I prefer newbie posters, which makes me a kind of a welcome mat. It's OK to email me if you ever feel so inclined. Cheers! Ron B.

About family issues: 1) I didn't talk to my sister for 7 years. Why? Hard to say in a few words. In short, she got verbally abusive with me on several occasions; lots of obscene language. I was very angry and upset. Not just for months. But for years. I just withdrew. Didn't want to have anything to do with my sister. And that was a mistake. My Mom and my sister ran a business together, a coffee shop. They worked with each other for hours every day. If I wanted to see my Mom, I'd also have to face my sister. So I didn't visit with my Mother at her residence for 7 years, just to avoid my sister. And then my Mother was diagnosed with a fatal kind of leukemia. At my mother's prompting, my sister and I agreed to forgive each other. It was a rocky and rough kind of forgiveness for the first year, but now, weirdly enough, we actually enjoy each other's company when we do get to see each other. Both of us now realize that our anger issues were futile. Holding onto resentments and being estranged from another family member was the real hell of it. And it's kind of amazing that a relationship so broken was actually repaired. 2) My younger brother has anger-managment problems. Last time I saw him he exploded upon me, first with minor assault, and then with face to face screaming. He's had rage problems for years. Didn't know how bad though until his recent rage at me. And I'm clueless about how to fix this problem. Wanted to write him a letter. But then everybody in my family advised me against it. I don't want to see him. Wouldn't be comfortable around him. He might take offense at something and fly off into another rage. So that's my current family disaster. I'm completely stuck. Ron B.

Hummingbirds. After my father passed away in 2002, we sons and daughter converged on my father's house for a month to box everything up and sell the house. A hummingbird hovered and perched everywhere outside his house throughout the move. The thought came to us... That's Dad! Ron B.

Hi laureney. Sometimes it takes a couple of days to get replies to a post. Anyway, welcome to our grief forums. Your experience in grief is different than my own. My Mom passed away two years ago, and she lived to 78 years of age. Your Mom passed away in mid-life, and there is an element of tragedy to that. Grief seems to get more complicated when life is cut short. Somehow the grief and the mourning process gets delayed, probably because it's just too traumatic. Our online counselor, Marty, has posted content about 'delayed grief' on many occasions. I have limited understanding of the issues of delayed grief, but at least I can link to some of Marty's content: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=4771&st=0&p=37467&#entry37467 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=521&st=0&p=1628&#entry1628 And this third link you may have to cut and paste; wouldn't work as a direct link. Grab the text between the dollar signs. $http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/delayed_grief.shtml$ And though my parents divorced too, they remained friends for life, so both parents were always available to me. Now I think, what would have my life been like without one of my parents? Your description of how grief hit you years later in grad school is compelling. Sorry to hear that your siblings are not at peace with each other. I do have family support from my brothers and sisters, even though they are occasionally very difficult. I agree with you that we need those family roots. Can you at least talk with your siblings? Also sorry to hear that your marriage did not work. I've always felt pretty alone in that I've never married, but worse than loneliness would be a bad marriage. Your circumstances of grief are certainly more difficult than my own. But on one issue I feel that I can give you good advice. Not all counselors are going to be a good fit for you. You have to shop around. And most of them list their areas of specialization, so you can find someone who specializes in what you want. And if you don't feel that one counselor is addressing your needs, move on to another! And I like your idea of going to a grief group. Well, I'm short on advice, but glad for your post. I hope you have opportunity to interact with other members of our community. Ron B.

Hi Moku Nani. I've got some time to sort through the content of your post. You have said so much that it's kind of hard to address all your points, but I'll try to share my thoughts anyway. Being in your mid 20s and dealing with the loss of a parent is pretty raw. I'm in my late 50's and my Mom lived to 78; at least I feel my Mom lived a long life and I had many years with her. Like you, I spent a lot of time with my Mom after she was diagnosed with cancer. I'm so glad I had that time with her; likewise I think you are probably glad for that time with your Mom. It's clear that you were traumatized by the incident when the nurse sat on your Mom's breathing tube, putting her in a coma. Trauma is something that can be real hard to deal with. Telling your story with some detail of your trauma is really important, at least to my thinking. Once you find words and can express what you feel, then you are actively working to resolve the trauma. We can also bury trauma and not deal with it at all! That's when we get stuck with troubling thoughts and feelings. That's when we need help. The first year after my Mom died was a blur for me too. I think all of us here feel the same. I'm sorry to hear that your other family members have not been supportive. I had similar issues. In the first year after my Mother passed away, my sister got total control of my Mom's estate, and at times she was brutal and openly nasty. All that got repaired, but it took a lot of effort from both me and my sister. We both realized that our anger at one another was not helping anything, so we made effort to restore normal relations and it worked. My younger brother, on the other hand, completely flipped out. Last time I saw him, some six months ago, he had flown into a rage, and was screaming at me. He hasn't been able to deal with our Mom's passing very well at all. He's also raged out anger at my older brother. So you are not alone with family issues. The intensity of grief really shocked me; I had no idea my life could be plunged into such black despair. I've slowly crawled or clawed my way out of the darker sides or grief. At the beginning I had anger that was off the scale. I could hardly focus on my work. Slowly things got better for me. But some of my coping strategies were not so good. I tried mild intoxication in the first months, but then I started having anxiety attacks. So I ditched the intoxicants and that helped. Like you, I tried to upright my life as best I could, but my problems were in some ways bigger than me. I kept a journal, participated in this forum, read self help literature, but finally I had to go get professional psychological counseling. While I was in counseling, I was impatient and sometimes doubted that the psychologist was doing me much good. Now in retrospect, I think that psychologist helped a lot! It's funny how our thinking changes. Looking back, I can see how intensely wound up I was, and that the psychologist helped calm me down. About bitter, angry, hopeless, and empty feelings: I think most of us here have the hopeless and empty feelings in spades. About the bitter and angry feelings, I think maybe half of us here have had that. You say there is no place for you to grieve. I'll challenge you on that. You can grieve here. And get response. You can also get professional grief counseling. Somehow you need to find ways to face your grief and move through it. Our grief seems so complex and insurmountable sometimes, but there is one expression of grief that almost always helps: the simple act of crying. So cry if you can! I really like one thing you wrote: "I feel like there is a chicken bone stuck in my throat when I think of her or trying to deal with the loss of her." That feeling of being blocked in expressing grief is familiar to most of us here. The best remedy I know for that is to get counseling. Just by verbalizing stuff, our thoughts and feelings begin to evolve. The scariest thing for me was being stuck in desperate thoughts and feelings; my psychologist helped pull me out of that. You write: "There is a man who has loved me thru all of this, he has dealt with my ups and downs for almost 6 years." So there is someone that cares for you! You do have some real support. And since you asked for suggestions, I will say just a bit more. Every generation that has ever been born has had to deal with the passing of their parents. It's part of life. There is no reason to get permanently derailed by this loss. Otherwise we would never form new relationships and become parents ourselves. There is a time for everything; growing up in a family, losing parents, becoming parents ourselves, and facing our own final mortality. Life is short! If you are miserable and feel stuck, then actively work at those things that help get you unstuck. It helps if you have a stable living situation and time to devote to grief related issues. Probably you did not expect a long a detailed reply to your post. But there it is. It will probably do you some good to connect with others who are working through their own grief issues. This is a warm community and a good place for support; we are bonded in helping each other. Sometimes it's like the blind leading the blind, but it seems to work pretty well. From one broken soul to another, Ron B.

Hi Amz. I'm distinctly uncomfortable with telling anybody how they should feel. Feelings are just there, and it's hard to put on on a face when we don't really feel it. You ask a big question with your last sentence: "Can something be so painful that you don't want to face the emotions and feelings of that pain?" Well, I'm no expert on 'pain' or 'human emotion', but I will hazard an answer. Yes indeed, I think people can develop avoidance behaviors when it comes to the matter of emotional pain. Probably it's better to face pain when we can, in some way dealing with it and settling the matter in small ways. But when the pain is overwhelming, it's just real hard to collect and compose ourselves to face it all squarely. I think we can learn to handle the pain better if we digest it in smaller doses. For example, some of us here can't look at photographs of departed family members, because of a sudden rush of painful emotion. And that's OK; we can't force ourselves to digest painful stuff on command. On the other hand, looking at the photos now and then is a way of dealing with the emotional pain. We memorialize our lost family members in this way, gradually changing the photo from being about pain into a ritual of honoring a family member. If we don't make an effort to face the things that cause us emotional pain, then all the 'hurt' just stays unprocessed and can emerge in disruptive ways. If we face just a little of the emotional pain, then slowly we whittle away the rough edges of feeling, so that the pain we do feel is more manageable. So long as we express our feelings honestly, then I think we become unstuck, and the healing process begins. I'll stop my blathering on about pain now. Beautiful Thanksgiving day here in the San Francisco Bay Area. Glad to exchange thoughts with you today, Amz. Ron B.