Ron B.

Hi Tracie. Well, almost all of us here have have endured the passing of a family member. It's really not so easy for me to give advice, as I negotiated those first weeks of mourning with considerable difficulty. I was just so wound up it took months for me to calm down and regain good focus within my own life. Anyway, I agree with the general advice that mfh has offered. In short, treat yourself kindly! Have patience with yourself and others. Ease your burden of responsibilities when you can. And find time for yourself and the things you care about. A lot of us feel numb in those first days and weeks, but eventually we gather our thoughts and feelings into some sense of renewed purpose. Ron B.

Greetings. And wow, what a pile of trouble. I'm still trying to comprehend the reasons for so much tragedy and grief in life. I want to believe that good and bad breaks are supposed to balance out, but sometimes the run of misfortune is all black. Most of us here have lost family members; that's the worst of it. A huge wave of grief has already hit most of us, and we are still here. I hope you have opportunity to interact with other forum members; we all have our ways of struggling and coping, so we learn from each other. You mention that you are the go-to person for support in your family. So to whom do you go for support? Support from others got real scarce for me early in my own grief. I had to go in for psychological counseling; that helped upright my situation. Anyway, welcome to these forums. Ron B.

Hi Melina. I too have had some interesting dreams & feelings of unreality. 'Time-warp' may be a better description of what I experience. I dream a lot. Last night I dreamt of my Mom, but I dream and think of many things from many years ago. Somehow these things just pop into my head. I have been working intensively with family photo archives, and I think it may be the old photos that trigger some of these memories/dreams. What's remarkable is not just the details and scenes that meld into my dreams. It's the feeling I get from these dreams. It's like in some real way I've travelled back in time and am re-experiencing emotions connected to long-ago people and places. And when I occasionally bob back into consciousness, I feel bewildered about having reconnected with these feelings and moods. Somehow I suspect this upwelling of past memories and feeling is part of a larger healing process. I'm not much in control of my dreams, but that's ok. Melina, I hope you are ok with your dreams too. Ron B.

Hi Sadcandy. Glad you found this site. I'm not so sure that a deceased parent is really 'GONE'. My own mother may no longer be a living physical being, but she is strongly present in my life. She is there whenever I am in trouble and need moral guidance. Her character traits are enduring and still serve as a model for my own behavior. She still influences what I think, do, and say every single day. Other members of my family are also linked into her 'continuing presence'; I don't know how else to describe it. My mother's existence now is more than mere 'memories'. It's a living-legacy that still exercises a strong influence on both family and friends. So 'dead' no longer means 'gone' for me. I have been able to rethink some of my root convictions about life and death. I now choose to believe strongly in the concept of a parent's 'living legacy'; this helps guide me through grief. I don't mean to pick at your words; I'm just saying that we can broaden our thinking about parental loss. In a thousand ways our parents are still with us. Ron B.

Hi RoRo. Both of my parents are gone. Cancer got them both, my dad in 2002, and my mom in 2009. Like you, I spent a lot of time with them in their last months. I did not grieve so much after losing my father; I don't quite know why. But when I lost my mom 2 years ago, the grief became completely crushing. I don't quite know how I got through the first months. I just somehow survived each day, and felt just as lost and broken as you feel now. Grief had to hit me like a truck before I did anything about it. To be honest about it, I did not cope so well in the first couple months. I too was beset with confusion, sadness, anger, impaired functionality, and lost sense of identity. It took a toll on me. I found these grief forums, which helped, but at month four I finally had to go in for professional psychological counseling. That helped a lot. At about month six I knew I'd be ok. It was like digging myself out of a hole. I don't have 'words of wisdom' for you, only a few observations from my own passage through grief. The rage of emotions you endure each day is familiar to me and everybody else here. Unresolved and intense emotions were the most troublesome thing for me. I had to calm myself down. It helped when I lowered expectations of what I could do in time available. Some days just getting out of bed and getting anything at all done was an accomplishment. I realized I was in a 'time out' phase of life, where I had to find shelter from normal stresses. So, I advise you to be patient and kind to yourself in any way that you can! Otherwise the grief can tear you up and wear you down. And you are right that many people in your life will not understand your grief, even after explaining it to them. So find support from others whereever you can get it, here, with select friends, or perhaps in a bereavement group. Two years on and I am still trying to forge my own identity without my parents; I think everyone here rethinks their lives and identity after such loss. From my perspective, you are pretty much in the normal orbit for grief. Nobody can expect to have normal days and good functioning in the first month after losing a parent. Somehow you/I/we learn to endure the difficulty of this time. And we grow and learn from our grief; it is not just negativity that we want to erase from our lives. Welcome to these forums. Ron B.

Novi, Almost all of us here know the grief of losing a family member. And it's natural that you feel 'numb' now. But in time you will be able to gather your thoughts and feelings. We are here for you in the weeks and months ahead. Ron. B.

Hi Angelles, OK, here is what I think. Practice forgiveness! In any way you can. I say this because in the wake of my mother's death, my own family almost fractured into pieces because of personal conflicts and anger. And I know your anger is real. My anger at the time consumed me; it was disrupting my life. I had to go to a psychologist to dig my way out. And it worked. Took 1 year to sort out the issues and repair a damaged relationship with my sister. Anger is such a complex emotion, sometimes I don't know what to make of it. Anger is good when it spurs us to correct something. Anger tends to be bad when it impels us towards doing things we might regret. If it was possible to 'nicely' communicate your feelings to your daughter-in-law, then I'd say go for it. You may handle anger better than I do. But for me a mountain of anger is like a coming train-wreck. So I try to forgive, and this has worked out well for me. Good luck! Ron B.

Greetings to you Nobody's Sweetie. As you've noticed, these forums can be really slow. And I agree that can be difficult. Just when you need the support, nobody's there. But we are here. Often it just takes a couple days for reply posts to come through. I do not understand why some posts here get a lot of attention, while others go almost unread. Somebody will be in the worst kind of emotional agony, and nobody says a thing. And then there will be a flood of replies to somebody who has posted a pretty photo. It doesn't make sense. My best explanation is that human nature is faulted. People here seem to prefer making simple posts and getting easy replies. Maybe that's why it's difficult for newcomers posting about several issues. They want to tell some of their life story, and they deserve to be heard! It just requires more effort to read, think, and respond to a complex post. About the situation with your husband, you've said a lot and I'm still thinking. I too had a lot of lead time before my mother died, almost two years. And I made good use of that time, spending much of it with my mom. Like you, I had a lot of caregiving responsibilities. But my mom, unlike your husband, wasn't neglected by other family members. The neglect toward your husband seems like pretty rotten stuff, I agree. It's almost enough to sour any good feelings you might have had towards other family members. You will find that people here talk a lot about family relationships that have become difficult. In my own case, my sister got openly nasty with me for months. My relationship with my sister has been repaired, but that was an extremely difficult ordeal. I don't think anybody is prepared for the loss of a loved one. I have no good explanation for why there is so much pain. Yet we learn from it and adapt. And it's not so easy to give advice. Words are cheap, while the emotion and pain is almost off the scale. So I'll just stumble along with everybody else here who is grieving. Welcome to these forums. Ron B.

I'm finally learning how to grieve. Just something that works for me. 2 years ago today my dear Mother passed away. The first months were all raw pain, but at month six I got a handle on grief. I started going through my Mom's stuff, first her recipe box, and now her family photos. For five days now I've been scanning photos, many of my Mom. I've been emailing the photos to other family. And I cry as I work on photos. Some are beautiful. There is some kind of healing going on. I feel it. Well, I've reposted a smaller version of the photo. Works fine on my web browser. Or do I need to shrink it again?

4 hours from now marks exactly 2 years since my Mom passed away (Nov. 1st., 2 AM). The way I get through it? I am working with my Mother's photos. I start with old scratched dusty photos. Then I clean up everything with Photoshop. Picking off a thousand bits of debris. And in an hour I have a clean photo of my Mother, a snapshot of her life from 60 years ago. I email these photos to my siblings and to my Mother's brother. Going strong on this for 4 days now, to mark the occasion of my Mother's passing. Preserving her legacy is the only way I know to cope. Somehow you will find ways to dignify your life and your son's life. Ron B.

Hi Hudson's Mom, and welcome to these grief forums. Your post communicates raw grief very well. Your love for your child also comes through clearly. As does the sense that something is horribly wrong and not fixable. Your words made me cry. Expressing your grief, as you've just done, is exactly the sort of thing that will help you heal. But your loss, unlike many here, is clearly tragic. The loss of your child shouldn't have happened. It is wrong for a thousand reasons. And it sounds like you have absolutely no recourse at all, even though the childcare center may have been negligent. Perhaps all you can do now is work on healing yourself. I don't quite understand trauma, but I know we can get psychologically stuck when bad stuff happens to us. For such a caring person like yourself in the bloom of young motherhood, it would be doubly tragic if you gave up on the idea of having more children. You don't have to develop a fixated worry that a SIDS death might happen again. From what I just read about SIDS, just over 2 thousand fatalities occur in the USA each year. A child's odds of getting in a fatal traffic accident are more than 10 times higher, with 30 thousand auto fatalities in the USA per year. Yet the statistics don't ease our mind; we fixate on what happened and worry terribly about it happening again. Even if it's highly improbable! This is the nature of trauma; somehow we get psychologically stuck, and may need help extricating ourselves from our own fears and anxieties. Many of us here have gone in for professional psychological counseling. It helped me. You may have good support from friends and family; that will also ease your grief. There are so many other ways to work through grief; I hope you have time and opportunity to interact with some of the other people who post here. I pray for your healing! And please keep an open mind and heart about having more children. Ron B.

Lostheart, I'll try to help. There is no way I know of to get around grief. Can't ditch it. It's just keeps comes back and the pain can be horrible. But there are healthy ways of coping. You just have to go through grief. You need to mourn. And that can be hard to do! Sometimes we are stuck, feel numb, and just can't emote on demand. So the question is, how can I, we, you go about a healthy kind of grieving? OK, here is my answer: 'legacy'. Your parents may be gone, but their legacy lives on. You are, literally, your parents' legacy. And you may have legacy memorabilia, photos, documents, and other physical things from your parents. I encourage you to honor your parents in any way you can. Just putting a photo of parents on a desk or a wall is a great start. I lost my Dad 10 year ago, and my Mom 2 years ago. All I've got now to connect me to them are photos and other small things. So these things from my parents have become important to me. Here's an example of my own 'grief-work'. My uncle, who lives in Vancouver BC, has no family photos at all. I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area, and I have all the family photos. So, I am currently digging out photos for him. Some of these photos are of my mother. And I spend a lot of time with these photos, cleaning them up in Photoshop. And I cry as I work. And the crying is cathartic. It helps me heal. Everybody has different things that they do to work through their grief. This grieving forum can be a great help. Just talking about grief, as you've done in your post, is exactly the right thing to do. Discovering that others here have been clobbered by grief helps us know we are not alone. And you'll see how others here negotiate their way through grief. Many of us have gone in for professional psychological counseling. That can be particularly effective for the most difficult grief. Perhaps because I am older, creeping up on 60, I realize that my time is limited. If I don't face my grief now, when will I? So I've waded deeply into family photo collections. Helps me answer the question, Who am I? And it's that connection to my parents and other family that tells me most strongly who I am. I don't want to minimize any of the pain and trauma of your grief. There is tragedy in your grief, particularly in the loss of your father. I can not begin to fathom that. And yet we all have no choice but to somehow accept the loss of our parents and move forward with our lives. Perhaps you can reorient your thinking a bit, by focusing on healing. Find a healing activity, something that addresses your grief. Healing is just as much a force of nature as is the grief and pain. Healing happens. You can foster it. I suggest that you can find something, anything, that connects you with your parents. Eventually you will be able to memorialize your parents in your own mind as they deserve to be remembered. Some of the trauma and pain just lifts away. And eventually all the good of your parents, their values and their cares, will come forward to guide you as you move forward through your own life. I hope some of this makes sense. Ron B.

Squirrel, Almost everybody here has been devastated by grief. The feelings of despair, shock, anger, and sadness are all real; you are not imagining any of it. The death of a parent is a staggering loss, and it takes time and effort to recover. I lost my Mom two years ago, and the grief is still with me. But I have healed and so will you. You may need to make an assessment about your grief and your ability to function. If your grief has impaired your ability to meet your responsibilities and you feel close to break-down, then collect your wits and go get professional psychological counseling. I made the mistake of waiting until the 4th month before I got help. At month 4 I was wound up, highly emotional, and very angry. A half dozen sessions with a good psychologist somehow brought back some calm into my life, enough so I could manage my affairs. Even basic things like eating, sleeping, and maintaining personal relationships can can be extraordinarily difficult during grief. I couldn't sleep normal hours, sometimes not at all. No interest in food. Personal relationships got stormy too. Many people here talk of taking things day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute in an effort to cope. And it's not any easier when you've got responsibilities, such as managing your father's estate. I too ran into serious difficulties with my mother's estate. My sister was the executor, and she was just brutal. She locked me out of my mother's house, threw out my belongings, and got nasty and angry when I tried to participate in estate decisions. The whole thing was a nightmare. It took 18 months to settle the estate, and then I had to repair the relationship with my sister. Everything is OK now, but it was an ordeal. I do have more general advice. Friends and family can be a lifeline through grief; consult with them and spend time with them when you can. Sometimes it's hard to know who will be there for you and who won't. Having some kind of structure to your day can also help, though it's easy just to crumple up and do nothing. A daily routine with some variety of activity is helpful; usually we can work toward modest goals when we plan forward just a bit. List-keeping was particularly helpful for me, otherwise things in my life wouldn't get done. I'd put stars by things that absolutely had to get done, and to my amazement, it worked. So long as i made an honest effort, I was able to cope with my responsibilities. One more thing that helps many of us is regular exercise. I did bike-riding and swimming, and found out that getting out and doing these things was the most uplifting part of my day. I don't want to give you an overdose of advice, so I'll stop here. Just know that this community is always here for you. Ron B.

Hi Bob. I didn't lose a spouse, rather I lost my Mother. But that was a 50+ year relationship too. When I first read your post this morning, I didn't quite get what you meant by deeper grief. Now several hours later, I realize I've experienced something similar. In the first months my grief was raw; I could hardly sort out my emotions for all the pain. Mostly i would just be upset, and then that would pass. Now, two years on, my emotions are different, much calmer, without the confusion of those first months. I still feel my grief, but its a different kind of grief. I feel a clarity or depth of sadness. Before I just got upset all the time. Now I'm feeling an almost contemplative kind of sadness. And I am not sure how to face it. And it hurts sometimes as much in those early months. I'm struggling to understand this emotion. Sometimes the memory of my Mother will trigger tears. Other times the sadness just hovers about me, and then leaves me with feelings of despair. Mostly all I can do is endure these feelings. Or are there more active ways of uprighting ourselves when we get clobbered by sadness? I just don't know. Thank you for your post; it helps me think through my own grief. Ron B.

Hi Rachel, Glad you are able to tell your story. I'm two years into grief and I remember how raw I felt in those first weeks. It'll get better for you. You mention loneliness. I hardly notice being alone now when I stay busy. But sometimes I get emotionally upset. And lonely. Then I try to distract myself with eating, sleeping, or time out-of-doors. And when that doesn't work I have small break-downs. My mind goes into over-drive trying to figure things out. Some of the thinking is productive. Other times the mental chatter isn't doing me any good. Particularly when I have resentments, going over that stuff in my mind just stirs up more anger. Sadness can also derail me, leaving me with despairing thoughts. I don't think there is an easy passage through stormy emotions. We can do small things to calm or distract ourselves. But eventually we have to confront the things that are upsetting us. That's part of how we heal and how we grow. Gradually your thinking and feeling will evolve towards solutions; be patient. Grief can impair normal functionality, so be forgiving of yourself, keep expectations low, and try to roll with the mood swings. About reintegrating your social life, can't that wait? You are still sorting out a lot of stuff. Eventually your emotions will settle and your thinking will gain clarity. Grief is a kind of time out from normal life. Give yourself the time you need to recover. Sorry for such dense advice! I hope some of it makes sense. Ron B.

Kim, You've written a lot, and it must be a relief to put your feelings into words. Sorry to hear you've been put through so much ordeal. My own circumstances are more fortunate. I lost my Mom too, but she lived a long life. And the rest of my family is more or less intact. All most of us want is a kind and caring world, but some of us just get buried in adversity. It's not fair, but that's life. I hope you can keep some kind of faith or belief through all of the difficulty. Maybe a simple heart will lead us through most trouble? Anyway, most of us here have had plenty of grief too, so you are in good company. Welcome to our community. Ron B.

Dear sadloser, Welcome to our club. About incomprehensible pain, that's what the rest of us are stuck on. No easy answers, agreed. Ron B.

Daughter2010, Though you posted this topic 2 months ago, I have been stuck thinking about it. Stuck because I had an answer. And did not post it. When do we start smiling instead of crying? Well, like you, I'm 2 years into the loss of a parent. The pain, as we all know, is overwhelming at first. With the passage of time some of the pain diminishes, sure. But it doesn't go away. We, I, you, will always feel the pain of having lost a parent. My answer is that there is more to grief than just raw pain. Along with my pain came a flood of recollections of my Mother. Of all the things we'd done together, of the places we'd been, of the things that were said. I began to realize these recollections were not something to block out like they were only pain. There was beauty in these memories. There was my Mom in these memories. Her character, her thinking, her emotions, her dignity, and so many other things. And these memories kept flooding through me as I processed through my grief. All the good, all the caring, all the integrity of my Mom still exists within my memory. That's her legacy. It is precious to me, as is the legacy of your father to you. Much of who we are comes directly from our parents, and though they may have passed on, we still look to them for guidance. I am compelled to preserve the legacy of my mother; it brings meaning and positive emotion into my life. My mother is still is a force of good! And I will honor her memory in any way that I can. Now, the dilemma is how to balance the horrible pain of loss against the incredible good that was our parent. My answer is that we have to open ourselves up to a little pain, for example, just to look at their photos. There is a reservoir of good in our parents that we can tap into. Somehow we have to get past the pain of loss, and recover good feeling when we remember our parent. How to do that? Well.... For my mother's memorial service I had to go through our family's entire photo archive, in order to put together several poster-sized collages of my mother; the collages were displayed at her memorial service. After the memorial service I took possession of one of the poster-sized photo collages. It got stuffed away for months, but at about 6 months I felt brave and put it up on my kitchen wall. For many weeks it was not easy walking past the photo-collage, it nagged me, and I had to summon courage to look honestly at the various photos. And then there would be occasions when I'd find something new in one of the photos, or my Mom just reached out and looked at me! That was the beginning of positive emotion. Now, 2 years on, it's not so hard to face those photos. Other things helped. I was so distraught in the first months, that I was compelled to do something to honor the legacy of my mother. So I put together a cook book of all her recipes, over 300 altogether. I printed out about 50 copies, and now all my family and relatives have access to my Mom's recipies. And she was a good cook! I did other 'legacy-work', if I can coin that term. I ended up with all of the family photos, and there are many thousand. Not just of my mother's generation, but of earlier generations of my family going back to about 1900. So I got together with my oldest relatives, and they identified all the people and all the places in the old photos. I learned so much family history! And I put together a family history on compact disc, with over 400 photos and many text documents. It really helped foster the process of healing that was going on within me. That's my story of healing through grief. I do not believe at all that grief is only about pain. We can also discover the powerful message of our parents legacy; that will give you strength, if you only seek it out. I suggest that you can dig out a single photo of your Dad. Pick and choose the one you want. Find a good place to put it. And then each day, you will have to face a bit of pain, but also you will begin to gain strength, because that photo communicates the legacy of your parent, which is a powerful force of good. Whew. I'm glad I got all that out; it had been stuck inside me for 2 months. Ron B.

I just watched a http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA. He talks at some length about facing death, as he had to when diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. From that speech: "For the past 33 years I've looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? And whenever the answer has been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." and "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition; they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Ron B.

Miri, Well, I think you have accomplished something that was actually quite difficult. It took a lot of courage for you to face your former man-friend. And you got through it well enough. Bravo to you! You mentioned 'closure'. Though you don't have all the answers now, you seem more settled in your own mind about the break-up. It's natural that you are still sorting things out, but at least you are no longer psychologically stuck. You've done the grief-work, your thoughts and feelings have evolved, and you are stronger now for having endured the difficulty. Everybody who passes through grief experiences a great deal of pain. Everybody here knows that. What may not be equally obvious is that grief can educate us, strengthen our character, and foster our personal growth. I am in my 50's now, and I have never changed so much in such a short period of time, except perhaps as a child and adolescent. The passing of my mother brought on a sudden maturity. I wouldn't take away any of the pain of my own grief experience. Facing the pain is what helps me grow. Likewise, I hope you feel stronger for having made a successful passage through your own grief. Ron B.

Hi Susan. I lost my Mom almost two years ago. I still grieve, but it's not the raw grief of those first couple of months. And while the loss of my Mom still hurts aplenty, I found a couple things that have helped me heal. At about 7 months I acquired my Mom's kitchen recipe box and put together a 60 page booklet of her recipes. Then I passed out the booklet to family members at a reunion. At about 16 months I acquired my Mom's photo albums, and put together a CD with over 400 images of family history. I distributed that CD at the next family reunion. I tell you this because I believe there are constructive and useful ways to heal over grief. While I worked with all my Mom's legacy things like recipes and photos, I felt connected to her, almost like she was there with me. I don't know how else to explain. At six weeks your grief is probably too raw to be pulling out your Mom's legacy stuff, but months down the line it may help you too. As for receiving 'signs' from my Mom, I get plenty of that sort of thing, but not in a supernatural or spooky way. I do occasionally dream of my Mom, but that's not where I feel her strength. Whenever I trouble over the right thing to do, I get this feeling that my Mom is standing beside me and guiding me. And though she can't be physically present to help me, her legacy gives me strength to do the right things. She is part of me and I feel it. I don't know how else to explain. What surprises me now after almost 2 years is that I've had an ongoing flood of recollections of my mother, of all the places and things we did over the years. It's like a tap has been opened up inside me, and I feel connected with my Mom this way. And while some of the memories are still painful, they are also soulful and healing. So have patience! Grieving and healing work at their own pace; we can't force our way through any of it. As time passes, you will start to feel the healing strength of your Mom, and not just all the pain of loss. Ron B.

Raindrop, Most everyone going through grief has run up against this problem: grossly insensitive and uncaring humanity. You convey this thought so convincingly, it's almost satirical, as a novelist might describe it. I can picture the very people you write about, and it makes me cringe inside. In this respect, I am both mildly horrified and humored by the people you describe in your post. My own mother passed away just under two years ago, and the curious thing is that for all the grief it brought on, I've been propelled forward into a new life and have changed substantially. I too see people in a different light. I look for kindness in others, and like you am appalled when I run across so many self-absorbed yahoos. My own explanation for this broad fault of humanity is that the world is packed with morons, and it's my job to steer past them to find the occasional remaining few caring souls. I know this is not a fair description, but sometimes that's how I feel. And the worst part of it is when I see my own inconsiderate behaviors clearly; then I turn to jello and want to fall through the cracks in the floor. I think we are all faulted, and that it's caring and considerate behaviors that redeem us. I suppose the right thing to do is to practice extraordinary patience. I try daily to grow more tolerant and humored by it all, but sometimes it drains me to complete frustration. In broader perspective, I think it's my mother's passing that has broadened my sensitivity. Weird that life tragedies can propel our own humanity into a positive trajectory. Thanks for your post. It gives me renewed confidence that I can face the petty, thoughtless, and and self-abosorbed glut of humanity that surrounds me every day. Ron B.

Miri, You wrote: "In some ways I do love him unconditionally and don't want to just walk away. I want to be compassionate and let him know that I'm there to support him. But I can't keep extending myself and letting him hurt me if he doesn't want to accept my help and won't even talk to me." About loving unconditionally, there is no contradiction between that and walking away. You walk away, not just to avoid hurt, but because it's the right thing to do for him. Walking away is, in its own way, an act of love. Ron B.

OK, Miri, I'll try to help. It's sometimes difficult to offer advice to help people grow through adversity, because people get so completely stuck on a firm set of beliefs. We tend to think about stressful things in habitual ways, and breaking through habitual thinking can be difficult. At one time you thought your former male friend was just great! Now he's looking rather inconsiderate and a bit brutish. His own grief makes it complicated; it's hard to know what he thinks or feels. But at least you are actively trying to think your own way through the difficulty, and that is a real kind of progress. For any of us to really change, our feelings need to co-evolve with our thinking. When a love-relationhip get severed, there is generally a whole rage of emotions that emerge from one or both individuals in the relationship. Few things in life are so brutal. The grief from all this can be overshelming; I too have had a love-relationship suddenly severed. Twice. It happens to a lot of people, so you are not unique in this. And just like we need to 'rethink' things, we need to rework on our feelings in similar ways. Instead of continually rehashing the same feelings of anger and abandonment, we do a lot better when can gather fresh feelings. By reworking our thoughts and feelings, we can change and grow. Here are my specific suggestions. First, the very best solution I know of for people who have been psychological traumatized is to get professional counseling. That will work vastly better than anything I have to say here, but do shop around for the right counselor if you choose this option. After my mother passed away, I waited 4 months before seeking counseling, and that was a mistake. Once I went in for counseling it took about 4 sesssions before my raging thoughts and feelings settled out, and then I was better able to navigate through the difficulty. I had a good counselor. Other than counseling, the things that helped me most through grief, were physical exercise (!), support of family, and venting in this forum. OK, here is my specific advice about your man-friend in 3 words: LET HIM GO. And several hundred words as to why: Let him go, because your feelings are trampled. Here is where the 'rethinking' comes in. You feel mistreated, because you think he has an obligation to treat you well, or at least kindly. Now I'm suggesting to you something pretty raw. Ditch that expectation that he has any obligation to you at all. I'm not saying it's ok for him to reject or cut off communication with you. I'm just saying it's reality that he has for the time being abandoned you, and you've got to face rejection squarely, as hard as that may be. Let him go, because he has lost both parents now, and is probably swallowed whole by his own grief. Now he has to establish his own independence without being tethered in any way. He can't handle a relationship now, and it's a mistake to try to engage him if he is not able. The fact that he doesn't write or communicate, except to to write a dear-Jane letter, should clue you in. So, just leave him alone for now. If it helps, think of it like he gets 6 months time to recover from grief, before he comes back into normal circulation again. Let him go, because he appears to be quite ambivalent about women. You mentioned he had a love-hate relationship with his mother, and now it looks like that scenario is being thrust upon you. Duck out of it! His issues with women are his problem, and not yours. You had mentioned that the guy was a loner before he met you, so that's his longer-term life pattern. The relationship he had with you was a fortunate exception for him. Months down the road he will come around to 'rethinking' what he had with you. So let him have those months to figure it out. If you pester him at all now, he's likely to continue to resent you just like he did his mother. Let him go, because as an independent woman you will be stronger. If your need for acceptance depends upon him, you will be buried in abandonment issues for many months to come. To cling to a guy that continually rejects you is just too humiliating. If you make an active effort to move on, then you will gradually get unstuck, and grow into an independent woman who can choose her own relationhips. So learn about letting go and moving on in any way that you can. Find support though friends, counselors, and family. You will survive this and you know it. There are many caring and sensitive men in need of a kind and devoted woman like you. Date a few of them if you can; pull yourself out of the abandoned-woman mind-set. I do have advice about answering his dear-Jane email and retrieving your belongings. I would write back very briefly and say: "Dear [name goes here], It's all ok with me, but I need to pick up my things in your apartment. Can we please arrange a time?" And, if you are able, go to his apartment and be very business-like. I would not engage him in conversation, and would only do so if he initiated it. I would not utter one word about relationship break-up issues at all. Don't try to be cold to him either. For your own dignity, you want to go through the experience with warmth and kindness in your heart if you can. Call it 'silent love' if you like. You may or may not be ready to collect your belongings from him, I don't know. If you can do it, go for it. That is what will bring to you some closure. Remember, I'm just a ordinary guy posting to this grief forum. I am probably a very different person than you, and my solutions might not fit your problems at all. Take my advice only when it feels right, and ignore the rest. Ron B.

Babypod, My own grandmother passed away in 2002. At the time I did not actively deal with the grief of losing her. Then, just this last year, I inherited all of my grandmother's photo albums. So I got together with an old relative, who identified almost everybody in the photos. I then scanned selected photos, put in captions, and burned it all to a CD. At a family reunion in May of this year, I distributed the CD to about 50 other extended family members. I mention this photo project, because it helped me understand and appreciate my grandmother's life. Sifting through the many photos and documents was like walking in her shoes so many decades ago. My grandmother's legacy is close to me now. My mind is at ease. I've given my grandmother the respect she deserved. I am not recommending that you or anybody else here immediately dive into family photo collections. The emotions of grief are still too raw. But sometime, when the feeling is right, perhaps years from now, you will find legacy that matters to you. Legacy doesn't have to consist of physical things. Legacy is also about how we remember someone. In a literal sense, we are our grandparents' legacy. For now just let the grief pass through you. There will be plenty of time to gather your thoughts and feelings. Just know that your grandmother, like mine, will be a continuing source of strength and good character in your life. Ron B.