ipswitch

Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, other people, who *haven't lost a spouse* feel like going back to normal. It isn't that they don't care about YOU: their loss wasn't like yours. Many people until they lose a life partner to death, don't get it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep posting, we'll do what we can. Did your boyfriend have a will? Did you two live together? How long were you together?

On another forum, someone lamented that the lover went through a life change and left the poster. He or she wondered if it was all a lie. Another person replied that it was probably not all a lie, but that, "Some people don't drive the tent stakes in very far."

I had a boyfriend who cheated on me. He made no effort to hide his actions, and told his friends. It was very hurtful. I certainly understand things aren't black and white. Owing to how I had been treated I guess I figured my husband deserved not to be hurt or humiliated by my indiscretions. Some of my friends would have been disappointed. One of them had just found out his partner of two decades had never been faithful, at all. For those who feel it's a deal-breaker, I certainly would have understood if we'd parted ways.

Grieving can be lonely, no matter what. Since you're in a long-term relationship, (and you make no mention of leaving) I would suggest extreme discretion in who you confide in, if anyone. Not judging here, as I had an affair during my marriage. I own the fact that I betrayed my marriage vows. It lasted about two years. I don't think my husband knew. If he did, he never said anything. When it ended, I was very sad, but there was nothing I could do, and no one really I could confide in. That would only increase the chances my husband could have found out. I didn't want to hurt him (even as angry as I was with him at the time.) In time, the pain evolved into a more manageable form. We stayed in contact. He contracted cancer, was 'cured' and it recurred. We contact one another every now and then, but I am mindful of several things: It's very easy to love someone you don't live with, and hard to stay in love with one you do. My affair man and I met owing to a shared hobby. We only had fun together, we met for a few hours a month. We didn't have time or opportunity to get irritated with one another. When my husband died, the man I had an affair with expressed his condolences, but there was no offer to leave his own partner and move forward with me. We actually were intimate a few times after my husband's passing, but that was a mistake. My affection for a man who wasn't available was keeping me from giving my all to establishing myself as a single, available person. A part-time man-friend was not what I wanted. So, I ended the intimate relationship - again. I think about him probably daily. The cancer will get him, eventually, and I will be sad for his passing. The sadness will be one that I can't fully share with my current man-friend, as infidelity in marriage would be something he couldn't see past, even if it wasn't with him.

Missy, my husband was an alcoholic, too. He didn't die from alcohol or related issues. He had lung cancer. (You can't smoke two packs a day for forty years and not expect to see something like that.) I had come to grips with his addiction, and the fact that I had no control over it, long before he passed away. I was not perfect, and I did things that hurt his feelings, and added stress to our marriage. I can't change the past. I CAN remember the things that hurt his feelings, and not say those sorts of things to my current partner. I CAN remember my deceased mother's calm, kind, thoughtful demeanor, and channel that rather than my own habitual sarcasm. I would suggest you may benefit from a forum dedicated to family and friends of alcoholics. Here is a link: ttps://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/ My husband never tried to quit drinking, at least not that I know of. When I expressed my sadness and bitterness that he never even *tried* another member of the forum wrote, "he couldn't." So true. At some point, he no longer had a choice.

Awww, Hon. He was 17. They don't get much older than that, and sometimes things...just happen. I had one that age, and he was fine...until about two weeks before his euthanasia. He was 'throwing clots' whatever that was, and in pain. I could blame chemotherapy for my husband's death. He was fine until then (but - he had cancer!) His treatment was more uncomfortable than his cancer had been. I had another cat treated for cancer - I regret it to this day. Her cancer wasn't painful - her treatment made her last six weeks mostly miserable.

It's painful watching someone self-destruct. I tried Al-anon. I never got much out of meetings: it just seemed like so much repetition of trite sayings and slogans. The philosophy worked, just not the meetings. Actually, the philosophy works, even spilled over into other things. I found this forum helpful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/ Pretty much everyone there is going through the same thing.

I wouldn't change my phone number, but I'd stop responding. I think he's casting about for a booty call. I was in a kind of 'friends with benefits' relationship at one point. I can tell you what someone told me: the person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power. Your sweetie seems to take the path of least resistance: look what he did: maintained a relationship with one of his three exes. With that many exes, did it occur to you that he didn't spend any time between relationships to examine what had gone wrong? Then he got involved with a married woman. (Imagine Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, snidely commenting, "Isn't that convenient?") You had children, a husband, a home of your own, you hadn't filed or discussed separating, so of course you weren't as available as a single woman. It's a perfect situation for a fellow who never drives the tent stakes in very far. He didn't have to be 'all in' because you weren't. You weren't, because you were married. I'm not judging, because I've been where you were - and honestly - my consort at the time said we could never plan a future together because we started out relationship cheating on our partners and trust would always be an issue. I'm not sure your sweetie is ill-intended. If he isn't that, he sounds sort of emotionally lazy. Maybe he has some value as a friend that isn't obvious is your story about him here. Retaining you as a friend would be good for HIS self esteem as he could tell himself he didn't hurt you that badly if you forgave him. You can forgive him (that's good for YOU) but you don't have to continue to engage with him.

I brought my kitty to the vet and we got him past the immediate crisis, but two or three months later he began to decline. We never did find out what was really wrong, but he was clearly uncomfortable, and at his age, (12-14, shelter didn't really know when they placed him with me) poking and prodding and more tests would have only prolonged his discomfort. He'd stopped eating, and there's not much to do after that. The pain med probably was the right course of action, you wouldn't have wanted him to suffer. You and the vet did the best you could. Do you pay attention to the warnings on tv for side effects on human medication? If we believed the worst, we'd never take anything at all.

I've always gotten my pets through the shelter. I never thought a new pet as a replacement. I always thought, "There's no reason for a cat to spend it's life in a shelter, when it could have a home with me. I can't give every cat a home, but I can give one a home."

My husband came close to doing the same thing, and he was in his 40s at the time. What prevented it was his mother and I pretty much leaving him no choice. I have to guess that he was in denial, too. I suspect, in his head, going to see his dad would somehow be 'bad luck', in some convoluted way. None of us are perfect. You were very young, and I suspect your Mom would have made you go if she thought it would have been useful / necessary / expected. Sometimes, too, people go downhill pretty quickly. If she was already exhausted from the effort of your visit, it's possible she was only conscious a small portion of the time.

Oh, local superstore has free service to order 0nline/pick up at store / if you order at least $30. It's a 20-30 minute wait to go into the store, so why not? It's actually pretty slick. I can see people could save a lot of money, being able to look through your pantry and plan instead of standing in the aisle wondering "I didn't put it on the list, do I have coffee?" Unfortunately, scheduling the pickup is troublesome, as I guess they're overwhelmed. Still kind of works, though. I saw a video of people in one of the pools in question. My thought was "Ugh. Human stew."

Mom has helped me greatly during COVID, and she's been gone seven years. I was tasked with sewing cotton masks. Mom had given me numerous cutting mats and rotary cutters over the years, which make the process much easier. Then, somehow, I misplaced my cutters. I remembered I was handed all of Mom's scissors after her apartment was cleaned out - we both sewed and both left-handed. I found the box and inside were MORE rotary cutters, and extra blades. I realized with work to do today, the first thing I had to do was to tidy up the sewing room (Mom would *never* let hers get this disorganized) and there were MY tools, and the voice in my head reminding me if I put things back in the same place every time [sigh] i wouldn't spend so much time looking for them. I'm kind of glad she and Dad didn't have to deal with this, but I still miss her.

I keep my social distance, but wearing a mask makes me feel truly unwell. I had to wear one for a meeting last Friday for an hour. I noticed I wasn't the only one struggling. Colleague across the room kept unhooking one side behind her ear to breathe. I've ordered a face shield, on the recommendation of a cashier in a store who found it preferable to a mask. I don't wear a mask when I go out, which means I am barred from certain stores. I'm really okay with that, because management has a right to run their business as they wish. Plus, I'm not shopping for fun these days, just getting food and occasionally a sack of bark mulch. Living in a sparsely populated state has it's advantages. Pool parties? Good Lord, what are people thinking? COVID and impetigo and herpes and who knows what can be passed around with close contact and horseplay. smh.

"Some just grow up quicker than others. I don't exclude myself from this. I had a lot to learn and I still do." It comes with time and experience. My first marriage ended with my husband's death, but coincidentally, I was making plans to leave him at the time. I still loved him a lot, but living with an alcoholic is hard, and not good for one's mental health. I've met someone else. We live together. There are disagreements and frustrations. There are times when I think, "When will he learn not to slam the door / pick up his clothes / insert annoying habit here?" And then I remind myself that he has cancer - the kind doctors were careful to describe as one that could be 'managed,' not cured or controlled. "Managed" is what they said. And I realize now what never would have occurred to me at your age: There will come a day when I will wish he was here to leave clothes heaped on the blanket chest or slam a door.

It's hard breaking up with people, even when one has a thought in the back one's head that it's for the best, long term. I think, in many cases, we know the end is near, but never pin point, intellectually, why. But in our gut we just know. I think, in many cases, it's not personal. There's a deal-breaker in there, and it may be a while before we see it for what it is. Painting with a broad brush, I suspect many women see potential in *every man they date* even when the deal-breaking items have come to life, and are waving red flags in the distance. So, you were dealing with depression? It's not fun. I have depression, and I'm an acquired taste on a good day. But - darling - his self esteem is just that: his SELF esteem hasn't anything to do with you. Once you get old enough to date seriously, you shouldn't even be blaming that stuff on your Mom/ dad / high school drama coach / kid that bullied you in fifth grade. If one's self esteem is that fragile, start working on that before you get involved in a romantic relationship. He was not playing fair with you on that one.. I saw a video by Nora McInerny about losing her husband to cancer, and finding a new love later. She has something like this to say about love and loss; the life and love of her first husband, and the love she has for her current husband, are not competing forces. They're strands of the same thread. I wouldn't diminish anyone's loss to a death by comparing it to the end of a relationship, but the concept is still true: That relationship you had changed you. It's part of who you are. No matter where you go, who you end up with, you learned things about life, about yourself, in those two years. And it sounds like he was an okay fellow, he's just on a different path. I remember the first guy I really fell for. the timing just stunk. We were both too young. Then I moved, and had another boyfriend. Then he had a girlfriend. After the initial fireworks, we just never seemed to connect as real adults. I lost track of how many wives he had. Very attractive, very charismatic, but in any relationship he had, just never "drove the tent stakes in very far." Just got married again last Christmas.

I don't know how old your Dad was. I do know some people know their time is limited, and don't wish to have a lot of fussing, emotion, and pity at the end. It happened to a woman I know. Her father-in-law had an inoperable brain tumor. He made a decision not to tell his children until he figured he only had a month or so left. Maybe your dad was one of those people, and miscalculated how much time was available for last conversations and amends. Perhaps he was in denial about how sick he was. Sometimes people don't want to face the fact they're going to die. I know a man who was in that situation: his spouse was terminally ill, and refused to talk about it or make any decisions about cremation / no cremation, burial, memorial service - no decisions about anything, because that would mean acknowledging mortality. I know a woman whose dad was in kidney failure. He had a medical issue, went to the hospital, and told his kids that he was through with dialysis. He was reminded that without it, he'd die, but he was tired, and tired of feeling sick. He made his decision, and doctors counseled him to expect the end in about two weeks, maybe a little longer. They figured he'd be more comfortable, at least for the night, in the hospital He was over the immediate crisis, and his admittance into the hospital was listed, "for observation." He went to sleep, and when nurses came in to check on him a few hours later, he had died. Sometimes things like that happen. I'm so sorry, but maybe it will help to consider this wasn't something your father did *to* you.

I think his loss precipitated something that may have happened anyway. Maintaining friendships isn't like maintaining a love relationship, and when push came to shove, he just didn't have anything to give at this point. Maybe better now than five year from now, you're legally committed to one another, and he emotionally bails out of the relationship. Your trust issues are yours to work out. What you're describing though, is not that. If what you described is accurate, I don't think you were being selfish at all. In some ways, the why doesn't matter so much. He has emotionally withdrawn. The two of you are in different places. You are ready, willing and able (it sounds like!) to make a life with someone. He's not.

I've felt sad and lonely in the past. Maybe with the lock down and restrictions and such, I'm just testy. But this year, I'm actually irritated by Mother's Day. Dad died in 2005, and Mom in 2013, so it's not making a lot of sense. This is the first time I actually feel resentful when I see a commercial for anything relating to Mother's Day.

Uhh, yup. think we're getting a UV wand to scan over our keypad, but most credit cards don't require a pin, but I don't work the cash/wrap, so not my problem. Or, wearing gloves. Sorry peeps, but the gloves are no cleaner than your hands would be. The virus doesn't burrow through one's skin. I do get why cashiers would do it, though, and not because cash is dirty: I found my skin really dried and cracked after handling money, really uncomfortably dry and cracked. Now they'd have a good excuse to wear them. But Boss doesn't want to even take cash. I don't know how many sales that will cause us to lose. We do have several really good customers who always pay in cash. My manager, (who I've like up to now) is freaked about contagion, and wanted us to wear masks with each other...which wouldn't be an issue except she has her favorite co-worker living with her and her spouse, so the way she presented this in the last Zoom meeting kind of made it feel like the rest of us were lepers. And...we don't even treat people who have Hansen's disease like lepers any more. With her anxiety about those of us who are the Great Unwashed, I'm wondering: there's the sales floor, and the back room. No cafeteria. How are we supposed to eat through a mask? I think our elected officials are going to require customer-facing personnel to wear masks, anyway, but her attitude sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm guessing if I offer to work from home, maybe just in the store Saturdays, she will probably jump at that.

My man-friend and I are starting to get on one another's nerves. Fortunately for me, he's traveling for a day or two for work. I needed the break.

You know, it seems like some local TV station should be made aware of that and do a report on it. - But Cynical Ipswitch wonders if that would just create an opportunity for some lonely person to be preyed upon, somehow.

I just took a walk out back and stopped by my personal pet cemetery. Then I realized the timeline the deceased pets represent. In the 18 years I've lived here, aside from the five cats, (they were all pre-owned and of undetermined age, I really do take care of them) I've lost my Dad, my husband, and my Mom. I lost a job I liked, and got hired back. I've found a new man-friend but sadly decided we can never marry because our outlooks on money are just not compatible. We really need to have and remain separate financial entities. I don't watch Dr. Phil as a rule. A few months ago I thought his program had devolved into sensationalism, but I suspect we agree on the effect this is having on society in general. There's rumors already that a man nearby who completed suicide did so over financial strain this is causing. I don't know if the business I work for will ever recover, and I can't afford to retire. If my hours are cut back, it's going to be hard, although at present the owner is paying us for our regular hours even though the store is closed. All the retirement accounts took a hit, one quite badly. I agree with the King of Jordan who said something like "Mother Nature just kicked us in the behind." It's nobody's fault, we couldn't have predicted this, and every country, heck every state has got a different take on how to work it out. There's a couple hundred experiments going on in the world about how to deal with this. What's right for one place may not be the best thing for another. I managed to arrange a perennial plant swap with my neighbors. (Our tiny town has a Facebook page!) Mostly I 'gave away' but maybe next year we'll do better. Bosses have had Zoom meetings to talk about how we'll re-open. The boss taking the lead on this is really anxious about the spread of the disease. The plan as it stands is to require every customer entering the business to wear a mask and put on gloves. If I was a customer coming in, I'd feel that was a little hostile, but it's not my decision to make.The plan is for us to wear masks all day, every day. I pointed out that masks lose there effectiveness once your breath creates condensation inside them, and need to be changed every 15 or 20 minutes. That comes to 24 masks, per person, per day. I've tried wearing the masks I've made, and I feel claustrophobic in them, but again, not my decision. The serenity prayer, trite and over-utilized as it sometimes is, is what I'm falling back on now: accepting the things I can't change, and doing my best to change what I can. I'm pretty good on "the wisdom to know the difference" but feeling impotent kind of sucks.

Shortly after being widowed, I dated a man who wanted to be in a relationship desperately. I think he genuinely saw the best of every woman he dated, but that doesn't mean each woman would have been a good match. He was talking about marriage after a month or two. We were no spring chickens, so I understand not wanting to waste a lot of time. But he didn't look at the differences that were really substantial and meaningful. For instance, he was an atheist and I'm a Christian. Nothing wrong with either position - but he did think people who believed in a deity were not very intellectual. This wasn't some vague feeling on my part - after a couple glasses of wine one night, he actually said, "You're really smart, for a theist." I knew at that moment we weren't destined for the long term. When I tried to talk to him about it, he insisted it didn't matter, but it did to me. I wanted a partner who shared my world view on this. (His comment actually clarified how important faith was to me) I didn't remind him of what he said - I'm sure he'd forgotten it immediately after saying it. But we ALL telegraph our true feeling eventually. He's a fine man. He did eventually find a partner. It wasn't me, obviously. But there was nothing he could have said or done to make the relationship work. He didn't share my world view and frankly his insistence that it wasn't an issue and that we could work through this wasn't reassuring. As lonely as we both were, I knew it was best to move on: the sooner the better. As a very young woman, I had tried to "make things work" with a young man who wanted very different things from life. He kept breaking up with me, I kept begging him to take me back. We were both pretty miserable at the end. I couldn't figure out what he wanted of me and I'm sure he was pretty tired of trying to make a breakup permanent. As miserable as I was, his friends were kind of pressuring him with their attitude of "Ipswitch is crazy about you! What is wrong with you that you treat her so awfully?" But it wasn't anybody's life but his own he was leading, and I wasn't "the one" for him. So I've been on both sides. No doubt, though being the one who ends a relationship is way, way easier than being the one who wants it to continue. There are different events that prompt re-examination; death of a loved one is a big one. We are reminded at that point that we don't have forever. No matter how nice or worthy or devoted we are, we may not be a good match. When I didn't fully realize or accept my boyfriend's choices, I was denying him his own valid desires.

Having lost both parents and a spouse I will say this: It sometimes put a new perspective on things. When faced with mortality (not even one's own) a person may start to reconsider the situation one is in. It may be that a person comes to the conclusion that a relationship isn't working, and nothing the other person can do will change that. The idea that "our relationship was perfect until" is an illusion. It wasn't perfect, Maybe people are stoic and don't complain, maybe he or she thought "It's just this one thing, but everything else is fine" and being hit upside the head with loss, realize it's not a little thing after all. It matters. Yeah, it can be a tough time, but it can also put into VERY clear focus that a relationship (or a job) or some life circumstance is taking more of a toll than you previously thought. Kirstk, it sounds like he's done with the relationship. I don't know what his mental process is, but it sounds like you want to talk things to death and he doesn't. He's said, "I can't give you what you want." I don't know how much clearer he can be. "I just need some advise if anyone out there can help me find my way back to him. I am sure about it." You wrote this, as if your lover ought not have any choice in the matter. That's a little unsettling for me, and I'm not your boyfriend.