grace10

Thanks for posting this, Deb. I am sorry the show has ended, but what a fascinating show and interesting ending. This just touches on so much. I suggest everyone watch it. Brought up a lot of emotions for me. It is available at www.cbs.com. A reminder that life is eternal and others wait for us. What is also interesting it that it is based on the life of a real person Allison DuBois, who lives in Arizona with her husband Joe, and has her own website. Just caught the last show at their website this Sunday morning.

Thank you, Gail, for sharing the info about ADC forums. I especially loved the song story. I was thinking about a song I wrote many years ago this morning before I even came to this site, and realized, in many ways, it is a type of grief song that reminds us of how our loved ones are always with us, and love always exists. I think many songs are channeled. I have been thinking of updating it, and getting it out there. It was copyrighted in 1976, Here's a few of the lyrics: For You Your love is all around me Be it morning, noon, or night The shadows have all lifted This world seems a little more right I have to say, I want to tell you now If you ever go away, ever go away You'll always be a part of me You've given so much love to me You'll always be a part of me, forever

Di, If you are asking that question: am I doing too much?, maybe you are. Only you know the answer to this deep down. Yesterday I posted in the losing a parent area about letting go of belongings of my mother and I realized how this has had to be a years-long process. There is still work to be done about this too. Her clothing has been such a sensitive topic for me. Income tax. Oh, I would not be able to do that. The estate attorney's tax person did her taxes for the estate for last year. It was a very, very complicated thing that could never have been done without experts. Please be gentle with yourself. There is no rush, no timetable. I am the kind of person who always seems to need to get things done now, but with things about mother, it is a different timetable for sure.

Nanasbaby, Oh, I understand. I think you just need to do what feels right for you. No rules here. And, the meaning of mother's things will probably change over time. I do not think I would want to wear my mother's clothing though. I do keep a white sweater of hers in my drawer. It was something I bought her. She wore it frequently. It was my favorite. But, its nice having it there, just as it is nice having some of her furniture in my home along with her paintings and other things. But, some of these things have been with me for years. I even keep the CD that was playing when she passed on in a special place. I had just given it to her. Have not been able to play that again yet, but I will sometime. I think you just need to do what feels right for you.

Hello Eren, I am sorry about the loss of your mom. No, please take your time with your mother's belongings. This could take years. But, really, do what feels best, and, if it doubt, do not be hasty in tossing anything. Here's my quick story: Mother moved into assisted living about four years ago. We had to do a painful two weeks of sorting things out, some things stayed, some went to her assisted living room, some went to my house, some went to my storage. Then, a few years later, when she went to skilled care, we scaled down more, some more was donated, some more went to storage, I kept a few items. As the years went by, I gradually let go of some things. At first I could not let go of furniture, but I found much of it just did not work in my house. I saved the best of the best, the rest donated. But, it took a few years. Then the clothes. These were mainly her own handmade clothing. I really struggled, but, because they would not fit me right anyway, I either gave to friends or donated. Its really a gradual process. If you do not have enough room, maybe some can go to storage. This probably will take years. After four plus years, I still do not know what to do with her mink jacket and I still have some things in storage at a friend's house. Now that she has passed, I have some of her paintings on my walls, and other items on display. I also have a nice piece of her furniture on loan in a friend's house, mainly because it fits perfectly. Take care, no rush.

Carol Ann, I am so sorry. That sounds so difficult and so painful. Maybe you can just keep it around for awhile? We do let go step by step. Not sure if there is such a thing as a final letting go. Take care.

Becka, I do not think your anxieties are "stupid", as you mentioned. You, like I did, lost our mother and there is just that void that was always filled with knowing that mother was there. Its not easy at all. Of course we are more sensitive than usual to things like people going on plane trips. I sometimes feel incredibly alone. One thing that does help me is my faith. Not really anything formal, but just quiet time and reading positive spiritual things. If that took a nosedive for you too, that makes it more difficult and anxiety provoking. Maybe there is a way to reconcile that for you. I just do not see a God as causing anything and see my conception of God as something to go to for connecting with somewhat greater than myself and finding some peace. But, we all have our beliefs. I also have had benefit from relaxation CDs, walking, yoga, and other exercise. Whatever your faith is, I hope you can find some answers and not feel separated from your spirituality and your religion. Take care!

Nice poem, and so true. Rebuilding is not easy, but we are not alone. Today, of all days, with the beautiful southern California weather bringing sunshine, clear skies, and temps in the high 70's, I really miss my mother today more than usual. Maybe it is the kind of day she would have liked too. Maybe it is because I feel such a lack of family. But, it is part of the process of rebuilding and moving forward in life.

I think the addiction community people would say that when people start using substances to deal with emotions there is a problem. An additional problem is that, because of using alcohol or whatever, the person stop emotionally maturing right at the point they use substances to soothe their pain. Using alcohol, or any other drug, specifically to "numb pain" is a way to make the grief last forever. It solves nothing. I think this is going past a glass of wine. I also would not take your brother's word for how much he drinks. People who are using alcohol in this way can be less than truthful about how much they drink, if not downright sneaky. I hope you can find a balance, in addition to everything else going on, and set some boundaries about what you are and are not going to say or do about his drinking. This just sounds like too much to deal with. I hope you and/or your brother can get some help from some professionals and/or support groups.

Marty, Thank you for posting this link. I found it enlightening.

I just want to acknowledge here the great sadness I, and I sure, everyone here feels over the loss of lives in Tuscon yesterday. My heart goes out to those who lost their lives, acts of heroism, those recovering, family members, those who observed this, and the unstable condition of Rep. Giffords who is now in a medically-induced coma. Just so senseless. The real heart breaker is reading the stories of each of the individuals who passed on. The older gentleman who jumped on top of his wife, who had leg injuries and died while saving his wife. The nine-year-old girl who was elected student council president. And, acknowledging all the other losses, just cannot remember the details right now. Just brings me to tears. Of course, so sensitive to anything having to do with loss and I have been following this very closely. One mentally unstable person can wreck such tragedy. My prayers go out to all those recovering, those in heaven, and those families who are grieving and all of you. I did not realize the depth of my sadness and grief until I wrote this.

Melina, It really is good that you are feeling better! A while ago I was reading something about a grief group for parents who had lost their children. What one of the parents wrote has really stayed with me over the years. He came to this conclusion after years of misery: would my deceased son want me to spend the rest of my life being in pain and misery over his death, or would my deceased son want me to to find happiness for myself for the rest of my life? This thought has been very helpful for any kind of loss I have experienced, and the answer for me is to try to live my life with the highest degree of happiness and contentment possible. Oh course there will be difficult days, but I think my mother would be happy knowing that I am pursuing my dreams while keeping her presence in my thoughts and with her photos, her paintings, and other items. Disloyal?? I do not think so. Happiness is allowed!!

This thing of a person leaving a relationship for no good reason is something I am having great difficulty getting past and wish I could. Have been in a kind of lock down on starting a relationship for years. Additionally, someone I know had a similar experience of one day they are there, in a seemingly good relationship, then gone. In my case, we were talking about us growing old together, and a few days later ex (living together, not married) is walking out the door with no explanation after a pleasant Saturday morning doing some errands and a nice evening the day before going to a concert and meeting new people. Never makes much sense, even after all these years. And there never was any contact in the years since that day. I wonder what secrets these two had.

Dimci, I am sorry you feel such a loss. Maybe you could join a book club, and/or some other kind of special interest group, go to lectures, or take a class at an adult ed center, etc. Would not be the same as with Glenn, but at least you would have some intellectual stimulation and might meet some other folks with similar interests. Here in the US we have all kinds of meetup groups for all kinds of special interests at www.meetup.com . For the 55 and over group, we have the Osher Centers at many universities and other place that provide interesting classes for older adults. Maybe there is something similar in Canada. I am in my late 50's and just completed another bachelor's degree at a top notch university. I really like being intellectually stimulated, although I do not have anyone to consistently share this with. Different people for different topics with me. Take care.

I thought of this beautiful song. This was sung by Eva Cassidy, an exceptional vocalist who died at age 33 of melanoma and received most of her recognition after she left this planet with this being a hit. Although I felt so sad listening to this, I think of my mother and other loved ones as being Somewhere Over the Rainbow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccCnL8hArW8

Carol Ann, I am not sure what to say, but I want to acknowledge your post and all the grieving and endless hurt you have been through. You are very brave to go to this hearing despite having to re-live some awful things. I hope you find your measure of peace, healing, and acceptance about Melissa. My heart goes out to you, and you are in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare to do this difficult impact statement.

Anthony, I think it is great that you are doing this. I really think you are on the right track. I think of my mother as being in a state of happiness and enjoyment on the other side, that I am always able to communicate, and that we will be together again at the right time. I never thought of saying goodbye. When I am ready, I think I am going to work on communication with others who are on the other side as well.

Niamh, This week I was drawn to go over to Borders and ended up looking at books related to the topic of "the other side." I was looking for some kind of validation of thinking my mother had let her presence be known in various ways over the past few months. I really found some interesting books that left me feeling good. I do take this simply as someone's interpretation, but a lot of what I read made sense to me. I really liked the book Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne. One thing that was mentioned in the section on reincarnation was that our loved ones wait for us to come home before they reincarnate. This was actually discussed in this book that I found of much comfort. I think we all will see, and be with, our loved ones when we leave this planet. And, yes, of course, you will be with your dad again, and I would believe he understands your struggles as well.

Butterfly, Thank you so much for posting this. The things mentioned in this letter ring true for me, and I can even imagine my mother writing something like this to me. I have been doing some reading this weekend on this topic, and taking a look at what psychics and mediums say about this, and there just seem to be common threads in what they all say that resonate with what the letter said. On the other side, there is no illness, colors are brighter, and they are busy doing many of the same things they did here. They do see us and intuit what we are thinking, see the big picture. They do not judge and/or hover constantly, as they are busy too. They feel sorry for leaving us, but, they wait for us to return when it is our time, and not sooner. They know we came here to this planet for good reasons and that things can get very difficult here. We can elevate ourselves through prayer and meditation as well to connect with more of what this is and live the best life we can here on this planet. I am excited about the New Year, as it is a time for rethink my goals and do more of what inspires me in this new year, which is being more of the musician and creative self I am. I think this would please my mother too. And, yes, I do believe it does get better, and we can play a part in making it so.

I think the New Year's time is just a tough time for everyone. I do not know how to answer the question about it getting better, but I think we do heal as we continue to allow ourselves to feel the sadness and pain, grieve, mourn, and talk about it. I feel a little raw today, because this is the anniversary of my getting a call early in the morning that my mother had a pelvic fracture. I remember feeling shaky as I answered the phone that morning. It was the beginning of her real decline, going to live in a skilled nursing home facility, and a really tough year of anticipatory grieving for the next 10 months. I guess I knew, on one level, that this was a serious injury, and that things would never be the same with her. Last night, the media was rattling off all the well-known people who left this planet. Sad. Brought me to tears. Then this morning, as I awoke, with the radio on, someone was listing the names of musicians who have left this planet in the past year. Just, a sad day today.

Thank you, Carol Ann. Your feedback is much appreciated!!

I have been thinking a lot about my after death communications from my mother in the last two-and-a-half months. These have included an overwhelming out-of-this-world feeling of love permeating my being, while I was in the middle of a computer game, the scent of mint coming through the heating vents at night with no explanation (I know drink a lot of mint tea), feeling the presence of mother (and father) dancing when I did a jazz gig with a big band (they loved going dancing in the 1940's at this huge dance place in PA), and the recent Christmas Day doorbell ringing experience when I was giving a friend some of my mother's belongings as gifts. I think a lot of people have these kinds of experiences, some do not. They are a little overwhelming to me, so I really asked my mother to not give me these experiences when I am alone, and so the last two were in the presence of others. A registered nurse, her website is http://maryshannonbell.com discusses her after death communication experiences and also has written a a book about her almost daily experiences. Maybe this book would be helpful for anyone who would like communication like this. I think its great that someone with some credentials has written a book. It does not sound like she was even looking for these experiences, they just happened. My grounding is in the practice of social work, and I work part time in this field as a consultant, so I hope I am not presenting myself as being out of my mind. Its funny too, because I work with a lot of older people from other cultures, where seeing the dead is pretty much a cultural norm. My mother was always a very intuitive and creative/artistic person, and I think she would have great joy in doing this kind of communication. She had this adventurous spirit most of her life, liked to try new things, and always seemed to be lucky and in the right place at the right time, often winning the raffle, etc., for what its worth. I also sense that she really hung on to life, perhaps longer than she needed to, because she felt that I would be so alone in the world after her passing without a family. True, only one family member left who I communicate with, but I have created my family of friends, and have a busy life. But really, what a gift it is to know that they are there, and may be trying to ease our grief by letting us know in their own way that they are doing well on the other side and make contact every once in a while. It has been very healing for me, and I thank my mother for doing this! If you are looking for signs, maybe this book will help. There is also interesting info on the internet if you google things like communication from the dead, etc. Hope this helps!

Dear Sweetpea, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. My mother has been gone less than three months now. How does one cope? Nothing is easy. Allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling does help. Crying really is healing. Its messy, but having your family to cry with will help all of your heal the pain. Thinking how your mother is at peace now and with loved ones on the other side helps. Maybe she was in pain before she passed on. Just keep coming here and writing and responding. It really helps. You are not alone. Take care.

I am so sorry for another loss with you having to put your cat down. I feel sad for you, and know how painful this can be. I lost Lacey, beautiful cat, over three years ago without warning. Just disappeared one day. She was 13, and could have been hiding some illness, although the last time I saw her alive, she was playing in the backyard. However, a few years later I adopted a new young cat. And, less than a month before my mother passed on in October, I adopted a three month old kitten. I have to say that sometimes wild, sometimes very affectionate kitten has really helped me through the loss. The timing of this adoption was perfect. Even though she ate half of a plant I really liked today, I have to say kitten brings a lot of joy at this time in my life, and has also been good for my older shy calico cat. Maybe considering another pet is the last thing on your mind, but this may be something to consider in the near future. Take care, Grace

Carol Ann, That is so wonderful that you gave by playing the piano on Christmas. Yes, music really does bring out a lot of emotions with the elderly in homes, and it is heartwarming when someone who normally does not talk or sing starts to do this. I had the opportunity to join a strolling singing group last week. We went to two nursing homes in the evening, and went from room to room. I think just about everyone's eyes lighted up. I am sorry the rest of the day was so difficult. I hope you continue playing piano at the nursing home too.