grace10

I made it through Christmas. I supposed this should be in another forum, but it seems to fit here. Hope its OK. I went to church on Christmas eve, and then headed down to San Diego to spend Christmas with a friend. It was different not calling mother, and I had almost made plans to go to PA shortly before she passed on to be with her during the Christmas holidays. Kept busy. Played a lot of Christmas music. The most amazing thing happened on Christmas day. I was exchanging presents with my friend on Christmas day in the afternoon. I had brought some items of my mother's for her as presents. They have the same shoe size, and there was a beautiful sweater that I knew my friend would love, and some other items. I talked about how these are gifts from my mother. My friend had talked with my mother many times on the phone, but they never met personally. So, right after exchanging gifts, the doorbell rang. There was no one there, and it is not the kind of front door that one can easily access, or ring as a prank. Simply, the doorbell rang without any explanation, and it never rang again for the rest of the day or the next day. I just decided it was dear mother stopping in to let us know she is with us in spirit. I am so touched just writing this today, and I feel like she is smiling on me too. Whatever happens up there, or wherever it is, I really was so glad my mother had the chance to "meet" my good friend of 20 years as well and remind us of her presence. Just made my day special.

LisaN, I am so sorry for your loss. You certainly love your mother very much and did the best for her. You had no way of knowing things would unfold the way they did. You offered her day care for positive reasons, and she accepted. It would not have made sense for you to have her at your home before you had things set up. Setting up home care takes time. I hope this helps, at least, a little. There are many real stories here of regretful feelings of what we think we should or should not have done, but I think we all do the best we can do with the best information we have at the time, and make decisions that we think are the best for our loved ones. Take care.

Kathy, What a sweet thing that happened! The timing was just so perfect too.

Carol Ann, That sounds like a great plan. As a musician too, there is something so uplifting and special about Christmas music, and I am glad you created an opportunity for playing and sharing it with others. I am going to a caroling event for two nursing homes tonight and singing. I just know the folks there are going to appreciate this so much! Even with memory loss, the ability to recall music and lyrics seems to still be there strongly with many! I do not know how old you are, but here is an encouraging website for older adults who are playing music: www.musicafter50.com. I really have nice Christmas plans as well!

I am sensitive to goodbyes as well right now. Last week I was reading a story about a Chicago Cubs catcher who was active in the 1960s who passed away. I was not even a Cubs fan, but the whole story brought up a lot of old feelings about how my long-deceased father and I used to talk about baseball and watch the games and there was a longing for wanting to be there with my father as a kid again, and sadness that another great player has moved on. Really surprised me. Also, a few weeks ago, I ended a temporary situation of working with some elderly people. I was at a total loss for words and could not bring myself to say goodbye to any of them. I just said I will try to stop on by later. It has only been a little over two months since my mother passed on.

Dear Nancy, Going over every minute of the last day or night is not really helpful, although we all probably to this. How could we know? There are just so many things we did not know. We are not doctors or nurses. We do not have a crystal ball to look into. In fact, one thing I did not mention before is that part of my conversations with the dear nurses at the nursing home early that morning was: should I get out there or book a flight now? There was not even an urgency, although I made the decision to get out there asap. There really was no prediction or whatever from the wonderful nursing staff that this was my mother's last day. They did not see that. They were thinking hospitalization or wait for the doctor. That's all. Even the nurse who knew her best on the day shift did not think that she was going to pass on. She was surprised. I do not even know if she was there at the exact moment. I did not ask. If professionals cannot see it, how could I? Her and my friend who showed up shortly after she passed (and I had to convince her to get over there now as she did not get that she was fading fast) felt it was right that she passed by herself. Many people, I think, prefer to die without others around, especially if they are private people, like my mother. I just think back that everything unfolded the way if was supposed to. It was all under arms of the prayer requests I submitted as well on behalf of y mother for her greatest good. I think we just do the best we can. You did your best. If you are sad, you are being offered the chance to heal a little more.

Hi Nancy, Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. Massive GI bleeding is what caused my mother's passing at age 96. For a few weeks, there were problems with her Coumadin level not being right. It just seemed that anything they tried did not work. I got a call around 3:30 AM, would have been 6:30 AM east coast time. She had a serious GI bleed. The nurse was asking me whether she should go to the hospital for tests. I felt so helpless. I did not know how to answer this, so I said this has to be up to her doctor, but she was DNR, and probably would not want hospitalization,and to be put through tests. I had to get on a plane and out there. She passed around noon. Just reading your story brought this all back. I think remembering and flashbacks are healthy, as they help us to grieve.

I am happy to see this topic being discussed. On another thread, I talked about my experience shortly after my mother passed on. I was sitting at my friend's computer, and I felt this wave of such consuming unconditional love. It lasted for several minutes. I am sure it was my mother's way of saying she is fine, she is happy, and I (meaning me) am right. There is such joy when you pass on from your worldly existence. My mother would say that when you die, that's it. I had experienced this feeling of non-describable love before when I worked in a hospital and I was around patients who were in the process of leaving this planet. It was an experience that changed me forever because the experience showed me that, at least on one level, there is nothing but absolute love as a reality. People I know who had left and come back tell me similar things too. I was so happy to know, because of this experience of her presence after she died, that my mother had experienced that after she passed and was sending that energy back to me. I think it helps so much to know our loved ones are in a good place, and they will be there when it is our time. Maybe it does not help up not miss our loved ones, but it helps us deal with all of this a lot better.

Suzzer, I am sorry for your loss. I cannot speak for now, because my loss was in October, but maybe it helps to look back and think of past losses and how we did get through the process and, although we never forgot the person, we went on with our life, our sadness diminished, and our life went on, sometimes in better and different ways.

Redwind, I understand. I feel very alone. Too busy with schoolwork and work to really feel lonely, but I feel so all alone. Mother is recently gone, and I will not be visiting her for the holidays of course. That was the plan, though. Friends have their own lives, and I feel just like a peripheral part. I am not family, and at this time of year, they are focused on family. My longstanding good friend, who I have spent many holidays with, bailed on me for Thanksgiving, and just sent me a how are you card? That card brought me to a meltdown of sorts, being so insensitive to my needs and never acknowledging her bad behavior over Thanksgiving. I wrote her back and acknowledged her being such a flake. My only family now is a first cousin who lives thousands of miles away. Today, though, I am getting out to a wonderful concert. An angel friend is picking me up. Tonight I am meeting someone at a coffee place about a new music project. Does not solve the problem of how to deal with the holidays, but I am sure I will catch some Christmas spirit at the concert today and maybe there will be some solutions. I guess we all have to take this one day at a time, especially this time of year. I wish the holiday season would disappear, but that is not going to happen, and I have to make plans on my own to get involved in new situations at a time when I do not feel 100% about it. I wish old friends would step to the plate and be there for me, but that is not forthcoming and really disappointing.

Melina, Congratulations! You did it!

Bleu-Berry, It sure seems like you went to your medium for all the right reasons. Losing my mother has not made me question my faith, but I can understand the anger that others may feel. Sounds like you find a very good, reputable medium as well and that this has been of great value. Maybe part of the value of spending time with a medium is "knowing" our parent is are still there. Shortly after my mother passed on in October, I was sitting at a computer in my friend's house playing a game, and there was this big big wave of love that permeated me. I think that was my mother's way of saying I am still here a, I love you, and I am OK. I will never forget that experience. No, it does not heal all of the grief, but it helps.

Thanks for bringing up this topic! In the last year or so of my mother's life, I just struggled to get anything done. Yes, it got done, but not with the usual organization that is normally a part of me. Documents, paperwork, and bills for her were in disarray. Getting it done, whatever it was, was an anxious struggle. Now that mother has passed, and acknowledging that my loss is also part relief that she is in a better place, I am finally getting organized. I think it was the years of her decline and anticipatory grief that stood in the way of my being productive. And, my procrastination was the absolute worst the last month of her life. Maybe I just 'knew' she was leaving soon. What I have learned from all of this is that these problems have been all about grief. This is grief manifesting itself, whether it is anticipatory grief or the grief of the loss, or both. As I am picking up the pieces and grieving my loss, my life is becoming more like it used to be.

I just wanted to share this car dealership story. I went with a friend to the local Toyota dealer. She was looking for a nice, used Corolla. The salesman took us out to the lot and we looked at some. I was commenting/asking why used cars are almost as expensive as new ones. (Toyotas do hold their value, but just to act like the skeptic). So we looked at a few. I then told the salesman 'she's looking for a white car.' The salesman showed us the car and named the price. Ouch, too much. I said to my friend, let's go, let's leave, that's too much, leave now with me. So, we started walking out the door. The salesman ran over to us and said, wait, and my friend ended up getting a really good deal. Take your time, and do not hesitate in walking away if you do not like the price. And always try to talk them down a few notches in the price. Men, in general have no poblem with this. I think this is because they do not take negotiating personally, and neither should you. Just, know the price you want to pay, and ask.

Hi Melina, I have generally made all my car decisions on my own and always got good deals at dealerships by negotiating which has a lot to do with being able to walk away if you do not like their deal, the way they are treating you, etc. I would suggest getting the consumer reports car buying guide or subscribing online or find the magazine that had the 2011 cars in it (library?). I like their unbiased information. . Its usually at bookstores, and/or online. I made all my decision based on their reports and especially on the cars that were rated highest for reliability. I always chose highly rated reliable cars. Reliability is top priority with me and you can search consumer reports to find these vehicles in this category. They also rate used vehicles. My current vehicle is a 2003 Toyota Matrix (kind of a station wagon) and still going strong after 100K. One factor is choosing it was high ratings on reliability. Has never let me down. I have done nothing to it repair wise in the last year or so except new tires, I carry all kinds of large musical equipment in it, plenty of space for loading stuff, easy to drive, and its a real workhorse. Would buy a Toyota again, despite their recent problems and they sure are offering great deals, along with other manufacturers. http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/cars/new-cars/cr-recommended/best-worst-in-car-reliability-1005/reliability-findings/reliability-findings.htm

Sharla, I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I also understand the feeling of relief that also comes with their passing. I felt a lot of relief when my mother passed seven weeks ago, and this helped me through all the things I had to do. I imagined how happy my mother was reuniting with those people and pets from her life that she loved so much and being free of the endless pain and exhaustion she lived with. This past Saturday I was playing in a jazz group at a private party, and I looked out at the lawn and noticed few people were dancing. And I kind of sensed the spirit of my mother and father, looking beautiful, happy, and young, dancing away to Moonlight Serenade, old jazz standard, and having a blast. Who knows, maybe they were, and I was playing their music. I felt so tearful, but so glad that they are both in a place free of pain now. Take care. Peace.

Hi Melinda, I have not even been thinking of stages of grief. I know that was a popular topic many years ago, especially with the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I did take a class recently that had a section on grief and loss, and I found that the latest research pretty much puts to rest any ideas about stages. Grief is such an individual thing. We grieve differently. Women often grieve differently than men. It is difficult enough without starting to get involved in worrying after whether you are doing the stages in the "right" way.

Lostdaughter, I am so sorry you had to to through this. As I was reading your post, I was really hoping that the end of the paragraph said you blocked him. This hate and anger surrounding people who are dead borders on childishness and craziness. As times like this, it is so important for all of us to be self-protective. I just keep an awareness of who has disappeared, who is supportive, who does not want to talk about it, and who is trying to be of help but does not seem to know how. You expressed it so well by posting a reminder that there are those who are just incapable of being there. It says a lot about the other person, and it says a lot for those who have stepped up to be there. And, silence is not the worse thing either. And, for me, it is really time to reevaluate the people in my life and rebuild in new ways. I hope things are easier now that you have removed this negativity from your life.

Not "sick" at all. Honoring my mother online has been so valuable to me and others. Of course, at 96, she was not on Facebook, but she has a site on legacy.com where there are pictures posted, and people have written comments in the guestbook. Same idea!

I had a friend about 7 years ago who I met online. We used to talk about and do healing work. We talked on the phone and communicated online as well. She talked about her daughter, her husband, where she lived. She asked me to visit her, and I was seriously thinking of doing this. She was a social worker, did energy healing work, and also had a part time job at a hospice. I did not hear from her for awhile and I thought it was odd. I thought maybe her email/website had changed, so I did a search. What I found was her obituary. I never knew who to respond to this, except to feel sad and feel the loss. Her daughter was just getting ready to go to college. I never knew her husband and I felt odd calling him and asking what happened. They did not have the greatest relationship, from what she said, so I felt uncomfortable, but wish I had called. I think I just made up my own story, from the info I had about her, of how she died. She probably was ill and never told me. There were no accident reports found, so I assumed it was illness. No clue in the obituary either. Sometimes when people ask for donations to, for example, the Cancer Society, that is a big clue. I think you have to grieve someone you never met just like you grieve anyone else. Maybe write a letter, talk to them in spirit, whatever it takes. I know I thought about her for many years, and I know we will meet again, as we had a strong connection. She also was my age. I felt like I grieved her loss.

Deb, I am so sorry for your loss of Funky. I love the thought of Funky reuniting with your mom. When my mother passed on, it brought some comfort to think that she was reuniting with her beloved cats -- Crissie, Skipper, and Willie, who was with her towards the end of her life. May have been others too. I have heard psychics talk about this happening. It is also a comforting thought for us too. Take care.

Deb, Hoping for a miracle! And, I understand your idea that your mom lives inside Funky. Peace!

I have no idea if this will be helpful to anyone, but I just wanted to tell the story of Lacey. Beautiful Lacey, 13 year old Russian blue type of kittie. Could even jump six foot fences at age 13 and was the perfect indoor/outdoor kittie. I named her Lacey because when i picked her up from the cat adoption person, there was a shoelace in the box. Lacey sure liked to play too. The last time I saw Lacey was on a December morning playing in the backyard. I had to take a trip to LA that day. On the way home, I remember I stopped at Burlington Coat Factory and bought my mother some sweaters for Christmas. I was so filled with joy doing this. I still have one of those sweaters in my drawer. When I arrived home, Lacey was nowhere to be found. To make a long story short, never found. I do not know if it was foul play or a fight with another animal. A psychic I trusted said she did battle with another animal. She was always skittish about other cats and any animal. Now, four years later, I have two young cats in my home. One is Gracie, a beautiful Calico scaredy kittie almost two years old who was rescued from hanging with the feral cats and very pregnant at the time. After Gracie settled in, I thought she needed a companion. Less than a month before my mother passed on, Ollie, three month old kitten arrived in my life. Amazingly, the two now get along with each other. I am just telling this story, because, just as it hurts so deeply to lose a beloved pet, and I feel sad telling the story of Lacey, we do heal on many levels, and there will be room in your heart at the right time for new pets to love. Ollie, especially, has been such a comfort and blessing with his affection his insistence for me to play. The kitties have helped me as I grieve the October loss of my mother.

Kaye, Thank you for your response. You seem like a wise woman and you will get through this. I just do not think anyone really knows exactly what they are getting into with any relationship, anyway. As for me, I am starting to wind down my midlife adventure back at the university and now have a lot to consider about my future. I am even considering relocating. Somehow, with an important friend falling out of my life, its easier to consider this too. Take care!

Kay, I do think you will get past this to the point that you can open the door for new love in your life. I feel mentally and emotionally ready, and have for awhile, but the circumstances of my life are about busyness and building a new career for myself. The way it stands now is this deep understanding that these mental disorders, and yes, Asperger's, at whatever degree it may be, is technically a mental disorder, and not a lot, if anything, changes with these folks. Yes, there are treatments, medications, programs, etc., but the disorder remains a big part of who they are. After all this time, there is something in me that "clicked" in that I almost look at all of this as having little, if anything to do with me, but having everything to do with ex's mental disorders. They are patterns. They happened before I ever become involved. From the little info I have, I understand ex is living with friends (one who has a lot of problems as well), is on disability, and nothing much has changed. Do we engage in these relationships expecting that our love and involvement will change their essential personality and life patterns of bailing on relationships? Was there some denial going to as to the extent of the mental disorder? Do mental disorders cause an individual's ability to be compassionate and have empathy for others go out the window and not exist? I have had to ask myself these questions myself. Do we have some dificultly feeling we deserve a healthy relationship vs. engaging with a broken person who may or may not be invested in helping themselves? Maybe these are harsh questions, and I have basically answered yes to the above, but I had to ask myself these kinds of questions early on and do a lot of self-healing. What I like about what you are writing is that I really think, in your mind, and in reality, that it is over. And, it should be over. Maybe this is a trite comment, but the best prediction for current behavior is the history of past behavior. I would delve into reading more about Asperger's if you are doubting yourself, and ask some of these questions when the time is right. Peace.