grace10

Kaye, I am so so sorry to know this is happening to you. It brings up sadness in me too, because I was in a relationship that was supposed to last my lifetime. One day we are talking about being together in rocking chairs when we are old, the next evening we are going to a concert together and I am meeting new work friends, and the next day, after weekly shopping, my ex is gone forever. No explanation, no contact, no response, nothing. I honestly did not know there was a problem. No contact ever again in the last 10 years. No one, absolutely no one deserves this. One has to be out of their mind and/or have no conscience to act like this. Being in grief right now has brought back this chunk of my life. But, as time passed, I really began to understand the depth of the mental problems of ex, and how even a seemingly good relationship cannot fix those kinds of problems. After the fact, I learned through a mutual friend that this kind of behavior was a pattern. I think your statement "he's not relationship material" speaks volumes and states the truth. I think you have come a long way in understanding. Yes, this is a deep hurt because it erodes trust, but give yourself credit for how you have taken care of yourself.

Lostdaughter, What is most helpful to me is taking care of myself, choosing what I talk about and with whom, staying busy with school, homework, and work (no problem there, I really am still on overload, but it is time limited), making time to play musical instruments and play in ensembles, saying 'no' the certain people and requests to be involved in their activities, exercise (I try), eat (not usually that hungry), and prayer. I am also going to a grief group at my church next week and making plans to deal with Christmas. I just do not worry about "them." They have their stuff, and if they were healthy human being they would be sensitive to your loss. The comments you received are really really rude. We are not running a marathon to "get over" anything. The goal is not to get over anything anyway. .

Thank you, Marty, for having a candle to light here. I just did this powerful exercise a few minutes ago. My mother's obituary is posted on legacy.com with the guestbook. This came about by the newspaper that published her obituary. I added another candle and message to that site over Thanksgiving about the gratefulness I feel towards my mother for how she was always of support to me and always reminded me that "I Can Do It." Precious.

I went to see a medium shortly after my uncle died a horrible death from Alzheimer's. This is not why I went, but the medium, who is attuned to how negative entities (energy) attach to our souls and can cause a lot of negative emotional and physical symptoms felt is necessary to remove this bad energy. We did a clearing exercise. When I think of my uncle now, it is about the nice few days we spent together in his later life. This woman charged me about $100 and was really sensitive to being respectful of the energies she was contacting. This is never a dog and pony show, and there is always the possibility that maybe the deceased does not want contact. My mother contacted me in various ways shortly after she left this planet, but after a few weeks, I really sensed that she was somewhere else and not accessible in the same way. I think there is always the question to ask: does this person want contact, and would it cause undue burden to them, do the deceased want to be solving your problems on earth? If she wants to contact me again, she will. There's no negative energy surrounding my mother and she left this planet peacefully. But maybe its different than someone who lived with a lot of negativity, was not really ready to leave this planet, had a horrible death and left here with many unresolved issues.

Lostdaughter, thanks for your acknowledgement of my post about dissing ex-friend. I am beginning to think that many people just do not have the ability to know what to do and/or how to talk to someone who has lost someone. The one person who talks with me most readily is more a coworker, not a close friend. Yes she, like me, is a trained social worker who has learned many skills in order to work with people in difficult situations in a healthy way. She has experienced a loss recently too, and is not afraid of this. Really, the phone does not ring much these days, part my fault as I am too busy with work and school, but I think it is their fear. No, this does not excuse bad behavior, but maybe it can put things into perspective that it is more about them than you. My only suggestion is to choose carefully who you want to talk to about this, otherwise just teel people you are doing OK and leave it at that.

Hi Becka, We all go through our grieving process in our own way. It does not mean that we are crazy because we are questioning so much and feeling so lost and anxious. I would honor and accept whatever feelings are coming up for you and try to do things for yourself that resonate with self care. Even when one has anxiety, there are usually some periods of calm between the anxiety. This is all a process that we go through at our own pace. Take care!

My Thanksgiving story... My so-called good friend of 20 years, one of first I called last month when mother passed on, said, yes, come on down for Thanksgiving, we'll do something. A week before, she mentioned so and so was taking her to the Black Angus for dinner, and she was squirreling about me joining them, said she would call back. We have spent many Thanksgivings together, her mother died several years ago. She never called, and I decided to be done with this drama. Hurts some, but I have to close the door on this longstanding friendship because I end up being treated like garbage. Sorry she has physical problems, but that's no excuse for never calling. I actually did more healthy things on Thanksgiving vs. sitting and listening to her poor me stories about her enabling behavior. But, yes, it feels bad, but I am done.

This really, really works. Also, if you are thinking of finding a therapist, try to find a therapist who is trained in EMDR, which is similar to EFT. EFT is easy to learn and you can do this on your own. These processes do not take away the memories, they take away the emotional charge of what happened so you can begin to heal in a deeper way. They work fast too! Take care!

About a week or so before mother passed on in October, I almost pushed the tab to make plans to visit her over Christmas. I had two years ago, but not last year, and regretted it. But something told me to wait. So, now I am essentially without any family and dreading Christmas. But, I am already doing something about this. First of all, I love the spirit of Christmas. I signed myself up to participate in the choir at my church and will be part of the group at the Christmas eve service. I started attending this church a week or so before mother died. I am not going to turn down any invitations. I usually spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with a good friend and her friend etc. but because of her physical problems, I have no guarantees. If Thanksgiving is not a go, I made plans to go to the movies with a group in the afternoon, and I think I will take a walk at the beach in the morning. That's the beginning of dealing with this.

A few weeks before my mother passed on, I adopted a kitten to keep my other cat company. My kitten is very outgoing, loves to snuggle, reminds me I need to play, often will not leave me alone. He is really a blessing. He is really good for me. My other shy kittie is crawling out of her shell too with the kitten in the house. I totally believe in the power of music. I am a musician and I try to play music as much as possible and listen to music as well. Research has really shown the value of music to elevate our spirits, help us to express what we cannot otherwise, bring out the sadness, and much, much more. But, I am too busy right now. It is the end of the school semester and work is piling up. Also, part time work and much else to take care of. Please, leave me alone to enjoy music. I am so tired of all this stuff I have to do!

When my mother died (a little over a month ago), I was filled with images of her being in a place where the colors were brighter and where she was at peace and so excited about everything. My mother was an artist and saw the world very visually (unlike me, the musician who sometimes does not even notice obvious things in front of me). She had eyes so sharp she was reading books in regular print through her mid 90's up until months before her passing and never had the need for any cataract surgery. I also had an experience of shining her love, almost overworldly it was so complete, on me when I was home alone at a friend's house. But, after a few days I really sensed she went somewhere else. My mother always believed that when you die, that's it, but, I am so happy that she showed me in her own way that there is so much more after so-called death.

Thank you, Niamh. No, I do not know how to describe this love, except that it is a whole, complete, and unconditional love. I was actually playing a computer game called Bouncing Balls. So, now I when play this game and it reminds me of good things. My mother truly was a loving person who always encouraged me. When I think of her, I think of her saying 'You can do it.' Not that our relationship was perfect; far from it, but many things were healed in the course of time. And, of course, I am going through the wishing I could have been there more thought scenarios, but, I realize that's a normal part of grief.

Charlotte, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother mid-October, and I totally understand the feeling of having more peace, but also sadness, knowing she is free of pain. For years I was in a state of anticipatory grieving. A month before she died (because I really knew it was close, even if the nursing staff did not), my concentration was about zero, I forgot some important commitments (not like me), and was consumed with endless thoughts of what I should and should not do for her. Mother is gone somewhere else, she is at peace, I feel sad, but the discomfort she was in, even with pain meds, was just too much for her, and, in many ways, too much for me to deal with. Take care.

Lostdaugher... Thank you for your kind words. Lack of energy to write? Yes, I understand that. I am a mid-life university student, so I have no choice but to write a lot, plus writing at work, but, at times, it is difficult to get it done. I had about two weeks of mostly "down time" from school after the loss. Its not easy, but it does get done.

My mother, age 96, passed on mid October. She had been in a lot of pain due to a shoulder fracture, and really had gone into a decline after a pelvic fracture earlier this year. She was at a really good nursing home. It all happened rather fast. I am surprised how well I am taking this, but have periodic tearfulness. I realize now how much anticipatory grieving really affected my life for years with her mild dementia and decline. My mother never believed in an after life, but, one evening I was at my computer and felt this most awesome feeling of love that felt like it was coming from her. Much comfort, but she has gone on now to wherever they go. So, now I am without a biological family, except in memories. More later. There's no more room here. Glad to have found this forum!