BellaRosa

Pinkpony, I can relate with this so well: I have no patience for peoples problems now I want to scream & say "at least you can still fight w/ him & make up". Ever since my mom passed, I have had very little patience for other people and their problems. It especially irks me when my friends -- or anyone really -- complains about their mom. I just want to scream at them to be grateful that they still have one! I'm sure you feel the same way about other women and their husbands. I think it's good to take time and focus on ourselves. After a loss, our entire world has changed and I think it's natural that we would need to do some soul-searching and rediscover who we are and what we want. Erin

Oh, Cat_Lady, I so feel your pain. This is also my first Mother's Day without my mom and I just want to scream. I am so tired of seeing all the commercials and store displays. Yesterday at lunch, one of my coworkers (and a good friend!) brought up the topic as if it was nothing. I wanted to stand up on the table and just yell at everyone that my mother is dead so can we please not discuss this? I know that's irrational. I know that people forget and think that after the funeral, everything goes back to normal. But it doesn't! It almost seems to get worse because now we all have to get through the everyday normal stuff and it's awful. I just wish people were more considerate and aware of those around them. I really just want to ignore the day completely, but I don't know if that's possible. I'm sure we'll have to go to my in-laws' but I would love to just stay in bed all day and do nothing. Erin

I feel your pain. Most days I'd like to just stay in bed and ignore everyone, but I force myself to get up and go to work and do "normal" things. Some days are much harder to get through than others. I don't want to be in a world without my mom, nor do I know how to get through life without her. I just keeping one foot in front of the other because time continues on whether I want it to or not. I know that my mom would not want to be to be depressed and stuck in grief over her. She would want me to be happy and live my life, as I'm sure your grandma wants for you and your family. My mom's death was not unexpected either, but that doesn't mean it still wasn't a huge shock. Almost six months later and I still catch myself thinking about calling her, or wanting to show her something. Then I remember that she's gone, and the pain hits all over again. It has gotten better and I don't break down as much as I did in the beginning, and the fog is beginning to lift a bit, but it still hurts and it still feels unfair. I try to focus on the fact that she isn't suffering anymore. Her last year was just awful and the cancer did horrific things to her. Sometimes that isn't good enough because I just want her back here with me, but I wouldn't want her to suffer for another second. Keep coming here and posting. There are many wonderful people on this site that are more than willing to listen and will be able to relate to what you're feeling and going through.

I hate the silence. I would feel so much better with just some kind of a sign that my mom is OK now and happy.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's hard for me to see other people in the same situation as her (or worse) with much more positive attitudes. It makes me angry that she can't be like them, but I know that's not fair because everyone is different and has different coping skills. She is speaking to her lawyer this week to update her living will. She is adding a DNR and also refusal of antibiotics for any future UTIs or respiratory infections. She already has stated that she does not want to be on a vent again or have another feeding tube or any IV medications. She gets UTIs all the time because of her catheter, so if she will now not be treating them... I don't know how much time she has left here. It's all just too much for me to wrap my head around and I find myself unable to even think about it -- like my brain can't handle anymore and won't let me process it.

I think we all feel some kind of guilt after a loss. You are definitely not loony! I think it was nice that you finished up all of the house projects, and I'm sure that's what your husband would have wanted you to do. I know it's hard not being able to enjoy it with him, but I'm sure he is proud of you for getting it done.

I feel the same way, about never being able to truly celebrate another happy occasion. I miss her constantly, and even more so on special days. There is a huge void that will never be filled, and it's just so much more pronounced on what are supposed to be "happy" days. Even when I am in a good mood, it's still only a fraction of how happy I used to be.

I feel the same as all of you. Angry, but not sure why. Depressed, confused, scared, abandoned. I know my mom didn't leave me on purpose, but I can't help but feel abandoned. I don't understand it. I'm married, but I feel so alone and empty without my mom.

I just lost my mom in November from lung cancer, and now I think I may lose my best friend of 23 years very soon. To give you some background, she had a diving accident when she was 24 and broke her neck leaving her paralyzed from the chest down for the past 6 years. She depends entirely on other people for everything and cannot do anything by herself. She has been experiencing more and more pain and illness the past couple of years and is now bed-bound just about everyday. The days that she can handle being out of bed still only allow her a couple of hours maximum of sitting up before she feels too sick. She has seen countless doctors and has had every test imaginable done to pinpoint the cause of these symptoms, but there is nothing technically wrong with her aside from the paralysis. The doctors all blame her broken spine and unfortunately there is nothing they can do to alleviate any of these daily symptoms (dizziness, cold sweats, fevers, intense chest pressure, etc.). She has been saying for awhile now that she's not sure how much longer she can live like this, but she's only recently begun exploring her options as far as refusing nutrition. She has spoken to hospices, her primary doctor, her nurses, and various human rights organizations, who have all told her that she is within her rights to refuse food/water/medication and she would qualify for hospice care should she decide to exercise this right. Obviously I don't want to see her suffer, and it breaks my heart that she is so unhappy and in so much physical and emotional pain, but I also don't know if I can stand another close loss this soon. I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to lose her. She has been a sister to me all these years and I don't know how I would get by without her, although I know I would find a way. It's hard because I thought I had prepared myself for losing my mom, but now I realize it's impossible to be truly ready when the time comes. Having to anticipate another loss just seems like too much. Thanks for listening. Erin

I can relate to you all so much! I would give just about anything to be able to talk to my mom. There are some days where the pain is just excruciating. I started a journal and was writing to her frequently, but I haven't picked it up in a while. I got frustrated with the fact that I was writing letters that she would never read and I would never get a response from her.

Salley, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and everything the two of you are going through. Since you're out "in the boonies" and far away from hospice, have you considered an online support group? I found a great one at cancercare.org. Once you apply and are accepted, you have access to a private board run by an oncology social worker. They also offer phone counseling sessions, and online counseling sessions -- all for free. It has all been very helpful for me, and I hope that maybe it can be for you, too.

Hi Cat_Lady, I'm a little late in responding, but I don't think anything is wrong with you. I go through periods where I seem to be doing fine, and then sometimes I feel like I'm right back to the first week or so after my mom passed. I think it's normal for us to go through emotions this way, although it is disconcerting when it comes out of nowhere! I can understand not wanting to do anything on your birthday this year. I know I will feel the same way when my birthday comes around. Last year, it was my birthday weekend when I realized just how ill my mother was, so I'm sure I'm going to revisit all of those feelings as well and I'm just not looking forward to it. I always thought I would have a big party for my 30th, but now I just want to sleep through the day and ignore it. Erin

Thank you all for your replies and helpful suggestions. So far, the day has been ok. It's depressing, but I haven't cried and I'm pretty much just going about my business as usual. I did go to my parents' house for lunch and ate with the cats . My husband, dad and I are going to have dinner in and probably just watch a movie.

That's wonderful news that he gets to come back to the States and home for a month! Please let him know how much we all appreciate his service.

Hi all. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday -- the first since she passed in November. I was expecting to feel worse, but all I feel is kind of numb about it. I had thought about taking the day off from work, but now I'm thinking that it will be better to be distracted and busy than just sitting around the house and thinking. I talked to my dad about it yesterday and we're going to get together and have dinner, but that's about it. I feel like I should be marking the day in some other way, but I don't know what to do. She was cremated, so it's not like I have a cemetery to visit or anything. How have you all handled the first birthday after your loved one's passing?

Frannie, I read your initial post the other day and my heart just broke for you. The "what ifs" are just horrific, aren't they? I felt the same way when my dad and I had to make the decision to remove life support for my mom. We knew she wouldn't have wanted to stay on it, but since she wasn't conscious to make the decision, it fell on us. What if we made the wrong choice? What if the doctors were wrong and she could have pulled through? Rationally, I know that even if she would have been able to breathe on her own, she still had lung cancer that had not improved at all with the chemo/radiation she endured. I know now that we made the right decision, but those 6 days in the ICU were the worst of my life. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this loss, but I'm glad you found your way here. There are many wonderful people on this site, and there is always someone will "get it" and be able to relate. It's been comforting to me to know that there are other people out there dealing with the same feelings that I am. It makes me feel less crazy and alone. Erin

Hello123, I do that too! I don't think it's morbid at all. I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only person suffering.

I cry until I feel a bit better and then usually watch something on TV or a movie to distract myself. It works for a bit. Reading helps, too.

mom2jared, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of your mom's passing. I know what you mean about needing your dad now more than ever. Since my mom passed, I've gotten very protective of my dad and I'm terrified that something will happen to him. We spend a lot of time together now. Maybe talking to him about how uncomfortable you are with him bringing his girlfriend will do some good. At the very least, you'll know that you were honest with your feelings and didn't hold back. If he chooses to bring her anyway, then at least you know you tried.

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day today. My mom's birthday is next week and I'm dreading it. As MartyT said, even though your dad isn't here with you physically, I know that he is with you in spirit everyday. I know that's not good enough, especially today. Try to focus on the good memories and celebrate his life. Big hugs to you.

Please don't worry about it at all! No need to apologize. You've been so helpful and understanding, you can call me whatever you want!

Thanks, Niamh. You're right -- I need to do what's best for me. I'm actually feeling somewhat OK about the whole thing right now, but that could change in the morning. As I'm sure you know, emotions come and go so quickly during this journey!

Melina, I am grieving a different kind of loss, the loss of my mom, but I am also finding getting through all the "firsts" very difficult. Last week was my dad's first birthday since my mom passed, and as an only child, it was very hard. Tomorrow will be my first St. Patrick's Day without her, which may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it was probably her second favorite holiday after Christmas. It's mind-boggling to me that she won't be here tomorrow. We won't have the traditional dinner and listen to Irish music. I haven't received a card in the mail covered in shamrock stickers. It's not just the big things either. It's the everyday kinds of things that are just extraordinarily difficult -- like you said, going to the dentist. Sometimes just going to the supermarket will set me off. Why? It's not like my mother and I went grocery shopping together! It's almost as if some of the really mundane stuff affects me because it's a reminder that my life has to continue on without her here. I have to continue going to work, buying food, running errands, etc. It's all just so frustrating. Erin

Hi Becka, Congratulations on making it back to work! I went back about 2 weeks after my mom passed and wish I would have been able to take more time off. Even now, 4 months later, I have a lot of anxiety at work and it's very hard to get through the day sometimes. It has gotten better, but it's still a struggle. Best of luck to you and keep us posted on how you're feeling. Erin

I wish I could say that I am surprised that this woman asked you about being with a man, but sadly, I'm not. People really don't get it unless they've been there. I've heard people tell me I "don't quite seem like myself yet" (less than 3 weeks after my mom passed), they ask me why I seem so sad, and they will talk and complain about their own mothers in front of me. I think that one is the worst. It feels like a slap in the face because they are lucky enough to still have their mothers here, while I'll have to live the rest of my life without mine. I just wish people were more considerate and had more empathy for others, but then I try to remember what it was like before this happened to me. I didn't truly understand grief before my mother died. I try to be patient with people, but sometimes it's just very hard to endure their comments.