BellaRosa

Cowboy daughter, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. My mom passed in November from a 5 month battle with lung cancer. It was awful. I can totally relate to what you said about feeling ok one minute and then falling apart the next -- just happened to me an hour ago at work actually. Please continue to come here and share your grief if you have no one else to discuss it with. Coming to this website was one of the best things I've done to get through this loss. Everyone is so understanding and no matter what you're feeling, there is always at least one other person who will say, "me too!" It's nice to know we're not alone. BellaRosa

Hello123, How annoying. I have a friend who compared her husband cheating on her (she has chosen to stay with him )to my mom dying. Umm, that's not quite the same thing! I think most of the time, people don't know how to react or what to say. In this case, I wonder if your friend is trying to relate to you and is actually making you feel worse because her "help" isn't working. I'd suggest really talking to her seriously and pointing out that although she and her mom went through quite an ordeal and that it was very difficult, she is blessed to still have her mom here. Your situation is very different as you are grieving the loss of your dad. Unfortunately, she may not understand as it seems most people don't until they've lost someone as well.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I lost my mom this past November to lung cancer and I think I'm still in shock. Everything you said makes perfect sense, and I don't think any of it is weird. I think back to those first few weeks, and at the time I didn't really feel like I was in shock, but looking back on it I realize how truly out of it I was. Be patient with yourself and face the pain head on. Cry as much as you need to. Maybe try keeping a journal? I write to my mom and it helps me to get things out of my head.

AlmostErin, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I too am grieving for my mom, who passed in November from lung cancer complications. You are not a failure. You took great care of your mom and I know she appreciates and loves you very much. You've got a lot going on right now. Is it possible to lessen the number of classes you're taking? That might ease your stress level and also give you more free time to focus on yourself and your loss. I'm new to this site, but already I feel some relief knowing other people are dealing with the same issues I am. Please keep reading and posting here as it may help to get things out of your head. I also started a journal and write to my mom every couple of days or whenever I need to. It's hard, but I also think it helps to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

Chantilly, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom to lung cancer in November, and I know how you feel in terms of will the pain ever end. Some days I am able to function somewhat normally, and other days make me want to just stay in bed and cry all day. From what others have said, the pain will become less intense over time and we will learn to live with it. Please keep posting and letting your feelings out.

SHeiss, I could not agree MORE with you about those stupid cancer commercials. They feel like a huge slap in the face to me every time I see them. I feel like screaming at the tv sometimes! It feels so unfair that someone else got a miracle cure and my mom didn't. I also know exactly what you mean about being jealous when other people talk about their dads. When I hear my friends or coworkers complain about their moms, I just can't take it. First of all, I feel like, how dare they talk about their mom in front of me! Don't they know I'm grieving? And then I get angry because they HAVE their moms and have the audacity to COMPLAIN about them! I know this is all totally irrational on my part, but I can't help feeling that way.

Mageestarr, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom in November, and I have asked myself all of the same questions many times. Reading your story brought me right back to the day she passed. Please keep posting and venting with us here. I'm new, but already I feel better knowing that there are people here who understand and will listen no matter what I have to say. I bought a book a couple of weeks ago that I haven't started yet, called Motherless Daughters. I don't feel like I'm ready to read it quite yet, but I know I will be one day.

When I'm having a bad day, I find it's best if I just let it out and cry as much as I need to. I tend to do this mostly when I'm alone and in the car. I also keep a journal and write letters to my mom to get all my feelings out. I, too, don't want to burden my husband with my sadness, but sometimes I have no choice and feel better once I've talked to him. Sorry you're having a bad day today. We're all here to listen if you need to vent.

Eren, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My mom passed in November and we still haven't gone through her things really. My dad and I have sorted through some stuff that was obviously garbage, but her clothes and other things are still where she left them. We don't feel ready to even begin to go through them, so we'll wait until we do. I think it's a very personal decision and what's right for someone else may not be right for you.

Princesspeanut, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I just lost my mom two months ago and I swear I could have written your post myself. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, and I feel like people should just KNOW that I'm falling apart and just a shadow of the person I used to be. I'm discovering that no one understands unless they, too, have lost a parent. I find myself going through the motions, just getting through the day, but not really living or experiencing anything. I have no desire to go out with friends or do much of anything. I have a terrible time focusing and concentrating. I love to read, but it's taking me forever to finish books lately because I have to keep reading the same parts over and over. I also keep replaying my mom's last moments (and the week leading up to them) in my head like a loop. The images faded a bit over the last couple of weeks, but now they're back haunting me. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice as I'm still very new to this journey like you, but I wanted you to know there's someone else who understands and feels the same way.

I lost my mom this past November, which I know is different than losing a spouse, but I have been having the same feelings about time and moving forward. I, too, feel that each day that passes is taking me farther and farther away from her. For the first few weeks, I was staying up very late, hoping to prolong the day I suppose. Now all I want to do is sleep so that I don't have to deal with anything. Melina, I love how you put it, that it's not taking us further away from our loved ones, but instead further away from our pain.

I don't think it's crazy at all. I've had very clear communication from both of my grandparents and from one of my husband's friends who have passed. I'm waiting for something from my mom, but I think it is still too soon (she passed on 11/17) and I want it too badly. All of the other signs and communication have come at unexpected times.

Hi 2sweetgirls, I've read bits and pieces of your story in various threads on here. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and your dad. I can't imagine having to deal with two huge losses like that in such a short period of time. I know what you mean about hindsight being 20/20. My mom mentioned a couple of times that she wasn't going to continue treatment, and my dad and I pushed her. I just couldn't believe that she was going to "give up" -- I really thought that she was going to get better and have much longer than just 5 lousy months. Had I known that, I think I would have agreed with her and told her to just try to enjoy the short time she had left. But of course that's easier to say now. At the time, fighting seemed like the only obvious choice since she was only 61 years old. I think deep down she knew that she wasn't going to be around much longer. She knew that she was much worse off than what she told us. I do believe that she's still around, watching over us, and that she'll be here to see her grandkids, but it's not the same and I'm not ready to accept this compromise. I want her physically here and nothing else is good enough right now, you know? I'm sure that feeling will lessen in time and I'll be able to have kids and enjoy them, knowing that she is right there with me even if I can't see her. I'm just so caught up in the unfairness of it all right now. It feels like there are so many horrible people in the world and they're all still here. Why? My mom was such a good person, so why did she have to die so young? Why did she have to suffer so much? It's frustrating because there are no answers to those questions.

Hi Jodi, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like you went through something very similar and it's just awful. I am working and it's very hard, I have to admit. I was out from November 11-29 while my mom was in the hospital and then for a week or so after she passed. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work because it's so draining trying to be "normal" here, but sometimes I'm grateful I have a reason to leave the house. Yesterday was rough and I ended up spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom crying, but then I went back to my desk and pressed on. I'm not in a support group, but I do have a good support system if that makes sense! My dad and I talk openly and cry together, and I do have a couple of friends my age who have lost one of their parents. I'm only 29, so it's hard to find peers who truly understand what I'm going through. I've debated seeing a grief counselor or even just calling the bereavement hotline we have access to, but I don't know that I'm ready to speak to a stranger about all this. It feels more comforting to come on here and read other people's stories and find a connection that way.

Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now, but just finally felt the need to post. Today is two months since my mom passed away and I'm having a rough time dealing with it. To give you a little background, she was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer at the end of last June. She had health problems throughout her life, but never anything so serious as that. She was a smoker for many years and we all tried to get her to quit, but she didn't until about 2 years ago. She had started feeling really ill at the beginning of 2010 and gradually got worse until they admitted her to the hospital in June and ran all of the tests that eventually led to the diagnosis. Her oncologist and team of doctors wanted to be "aggressive" in their treatments, and it seemed to make sense at the time, despite the fact that she only weighed about 90 pounds (she had always been thin, but that was low even for her). She did two rounds of chemo and completed 45 radiation sessions. After the second round of chemo (mid-September), she ended up back in the hospital. She was down to 68 pounds and was just horribly ill from the treatments. She was in the hospital for a week and was then sent home, with treatment being on hold indefinitely. She seemed to get a little better once she was home and the chemo worked it's way out of her system. She still wasn't eating much, both because she felt sick and couldn't keep it down and also because the radiation did so much damage to her throat. She had several blood transfusions during all this as well. Then, on November 11th, I got a call from my dad while I was at work. He told me that the neighbor called him because my mom was "throwing up blood" and that 911 had been called. He asked me to go over there because I could get to the house quicker than he could. I really don't know what I expected, but it was not what I found. My mom was collapsed, unconscious, on the floor in the living room and there was blood everywhere. It was horrific. Everyone seemed calm, so I tried not to worry too much. The EMTs didn't seem in much of a rush at all so I didn't think things were that bad. We finally got to the ER and the doctor started asking about hospice and telling us there was nothing they could do for her, except make her comfortable. Over the next 6 days, she gradually got worse and worse. She had regained consciousness in the ER, but then the pain kept increasing so they essentially put her into a coma with all of the pain medication and anti-anxiety medicines. She had a heart attack in the ICU (and they think she may have had one at the house as well), they couldn't stabilize her blood pressure, they couldn't stop the bleeding in her lung, the tumor had apparently not shrunk at all despite all the treatments, she refused a feeding tube, and then the real kicker was that they discovered an antibiotic-resistant infection in her lung. There was one antibiotic that could cure it, and my mother was allergic to it. After many discussions with various doctors and hospice workers, we had to make the decision to take her off of life support. We removed the blood pressure medication first, and when there was no change, we had to remove the ventilator. She breathed on her own for around 20 minutes and then went very peacefully with me, my husband, and my father at her side. It all still feels so unreal. I can't believe she's gone and not coming back. I started some anti-anxiety meds a couple of weeks ago because I felt myself slipping further and further into a depression, but I don't like how numb they're making me feel. I'd rather feel the pain and the hurt and be able to deal with it, than feel distanced and weird like I do now. I don't know what to do for my dad. It kills me that he's all alone in the house and that he wakes up alone and comes home to no one. I'm an only child and my husband and I only live about 15 minutes away, so we try to spend as much time together with him as possible. He seems to be doing ok -- better than I am anyway! It also tears me apart that my husband and I haven't had kids yet. Now my kids will never know their nana and I just can't deal with that. She never pressured me at all to have kids, but I know she was just itching to have grandchildren. I know that she's still here watching over all of us, but I'm selfish and I want her REALLY here, to talk to and hug and experience things with me/us. Thanks for letting me vent. Just reading through other people's experiences has really helped me to realize that I'm not going crazy and other people feel the same way I do.