BellaRosa

Babypod, I had a breakdown last night at my parents' house. My dad is out of town, so I stop by to feed the cats, and it's so hard being there alone. It's so quiet and empty without my mom. I just sat on the couch and cried and talked to her, out loud. I told her I was sorry for not appreciating her more when she was here and for taking her for granted. I would give anything just to tell her face-to-face how much I love her and miss her. That's all I want -- I just want her to KNOW. I know deep down that she did (and does), but it's still so hard now that she's gone. Erin

Becky, I lost my mom to lung cancer last November after a 5-month battle. She was diagnosed at the end of June with stage 3b, but no one ever mentioned the words "terminal" or "hospice" or anything. I knew what her prognosis was from researching it myself, but we still never talked about it. There was lots of talk about "when you get better" and "everything will go back to normal once the treatment is over." We had plans for this summer. I never asked her if she was scared, or if she knew exactly how close to the end she was. I regret that deeply. I wish we would have talked about it because I'm sure that it was going through her mind. Only after she passed did my dad and I find out that she told someone that she had cancer and "you won't be seeing me again." She never spoke that way with us. I assume she was trying to be strong, but I would give anything to go back and at least TALK to her about what she was really thinking. She also didn't have a living will, so when she ended up in the ER and then the ICU, my dad and I had to search through fragments of old conversations to figure out what she would have wanted. We just never imagined this could have happened to her or us, and "preparations" seemed so unnecessary. Erin

Babypod, I completely agree! It should be constantly raining and dreary outside to match my mood. It's nice that summer's coming, but I hate it at the same time because the sunshine just seems so inappropriate. I remember the day of my best friend's accident, almost 6 years ago. I was standing at her bedside in the ICU, not knowing whether she would live or die (she has lived paralyzed from the neck down ever since) and the sun was shining through the window. I distinctly remember standing there looking out of the window and wondering how it could possibly be a nice day when something so horrible had happened. I feel the same way now that the weather is getting nicer and I'm missing my mom. Erin

I hate that we all feel like we can't talk to people about this. It shouldn't be that way, but it seems like everyone gets so uncomfortable and just wants to change the subject. I was having an especially bad week last week because it was 6 months since my mom passed, and my husband said to me that it's ok to be happy about things. Well, yes, obviously it's ok to be happy about certain things, but isn't it also ok for me NOT to be happy around the 6 month anniversary? Or isn't it ok for any of us NOT to be happy just because we miss the person? It's like people expect us to bounce back to our old selves and forget about the loss. What they don't understand is that it affects us constantly and it's impossible to forget. 2sweetgirls, I'm sorry you felt you couldn't really talk about your mom's birthday. I felt the same way on my mom's last month. It just seems like no one wants to hear about these difficult days.

I think it's great that you went and did this for her!

I keep telling myself (and other people who have kids have told me) that parents always know their children love them, no matter whether it is said or not. My mom and I told each other all the time, and in fact the last words we said to each other when she was fully conscious were just that: I love you. I know your dad loves you very much and is watching you with pride, just as I know my mom is watching me. It's hard not to slip into guilt sometimes during this process -- I think it probably happens to everyone. All we can do is be the best people we can be and do things to make our loved ones proud of us. Reading your post made me sigh with relief knowing that someone else is havIng the same thoughts I am. I don't feel nearly as crazy since finding this board.

Tee, I only lost my mom 6 months ago (she lost a 5 month battle with lung cancer), but I think I can understand where you're coming from. I thought about participating in Relay for Life this year, for her, but I don't know that I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I ever will. I know I'm still very new to this journey of grief, but it seems like the smallest things will set me right back into that raw feeling from the beginning. Just today at lunch, I was reading something about veterans. No big deal, right? My mom was hospitalized on Veterans' Day last November and just reading the word immediately put me back into the ER with her and all of those feelings came back without warning. I suppose things like that will always happen, but those who haven't lost someone very close don't know what it's like to be doing fine and then all of a sudden, not very well at all. Erin

Cat-Lady, Even though I am surrounded by people, I feel so alone. I've noticed that the relationship my mom and I had is unlike any other and no one else seems good enough to fill in for her now that she's gone. I didn't fully appreciate her while she was here, and I regret that deeply. It's not that my husband and my dad and my friends don't care about me... I know they do. It's just that none of them can offer that same unconditional love that my mom gave me. She supported me in everything and thought that anything I did or said was wonderful -- it was nice having that constant "cheerleader" behind me all the time. It's just not the same without her. I'm angry, too... mostly at the situation, rather than at specific people, although I've lost a lot of my patience since my mom passed and I do get angry a lot easier than I did before. It's good that you have your counselor to talk to. I find that it's very difficult to talk about anything related to my mom or my grief with any of my friends or my husband -- they just don't understand, and it seems uncomfortable if I ever bring her up. This board has been wonderful for finding people who can relate to what I'm going through. Erin

PrincessPeanut, I can SO relate to what you're saying. I have the same thoughts about my mom: why didn't I appreciate her more, why didn't we spend more time together, why did I get annoyed at all the little things, why didn't I hug her more, etc. etc. I see my dad all the time now (both to keep him company and because I'm scared of having regrets should something happen to him too) and as much as I enjoy spending time with him, I beat myself about it because why did it take my mom dying for me to do it?? It's not like my mom and I had a bad relationship, we had a great one, but it could have been BETTER. I know she wanted more and I kept my distance and didn't give her the relationship she really wanted. I feel like such a bad daughter, even though I know that I'm not. I worry about her looking over me now and seeing me spend so much time with my dad and being jealous or wondering why I didn't do that with both of them before. I know that's crazy. She would be thrilled to know that we're all taking care of each other. Erin

YES! Exactly. When my mom first passed, I had no problem going through photos for her service and I think now that it was because everything was still so fresh and I had JUST seen her a couple of days ago. Now that she's forever gone and it's been so long since I've seen her live and in person, it's hard to even look at her. It's almost easier to just pretend that she's still here or that she never was... I know that sounds awful, but it's all that gets me through some days.

I have a hard time looking at pictures of my mom because it's a reminder that she was here and now she's not. I have a very hard time (especially lately) with the fact that she doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes it feels as if she never did, even though I know that's not true because I have all these memories of her. I worry all the time that I'll forget her. I don't ever want to forget her voice or her mannerisms or any of her characteristics. I'm terrified that one day I will, no matter how hard I try not to.

I do the same thing - distract myself so I won't have to think about it, but it always comes back. It works for a little while, but then the pain is there again when I'm no longer occupied. It makes me feel guilty -- I shouldn't be pushing the pain away, I should be experiencing it. I'm just so tired and want all the pain to be over. I want things to go back to normal. Erin

Today marks six months since my mom passed. I didn't think I would ever make it to six months. It's funny, because it feels like so long that I last saw her, but it also feels like yesterday. Six months feels like forever, but at the same time it feels like nothing when I think about all the years ahead that I'm going to have to spend without her. I'm definitely not crying as much as I was in the beginning, but the pain is still there. I still think about her all the time and miss her every single second of every day. I still catch myself wanting to call her or waiting for her to appear. It's a disappointment every time she doesn't. Everything just feels so empty without her. Erin

I have dreams of my mom from time to time. Sometimes they're upsetting, but mostly I find them comforting. In fact, I wish I would dream of her more often since it's the only way I can see her now. Erin

Hi Linda, I don't know if I have any advice, but I can tell you that I feel really alone too. I'm an only child, as was my mom, and I've never met anyone on my dad's side of the family (due to some argument when my parents got married). I feel like I have no family, even though I have my husband and my dad. I have my in-laws, but they're not MY family and it's just not the same. I have friends, but none of them really want to listen to me talk about my mom so I've kind of pulled away from most of them. The only ones I really talk to are the two who have lost parents as well because they understand how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. This has made me realize what a great relationship my mom and I had. No one else can provide the unconditional love and support that she did. My dad is great and we get along wonderfully, but it's not the same. I don't know how we keep moving forward through the darkness, but we will. We have to. Life goes on, and I know our moms wouldn't want us to get stuck in grief over them. They would want us to be happy and continue on with our lives as best we can. Coming here helps to get things off my chest and I usually feel a little better after reading/posting. Erin

Babypod, I'm so sorry. I think we all go through this guilt part of the process. I beat myself up for not going to visit my mom during my lunch breaks -- I'm only 10 minutes away from my parents' house and I hate my job, so why didn't I go over there and eat lunch with her? She would have loved the company. I told myself I didn't want to impose and bother her if she was sleeping (which she usually was), but I can't let it go now. I feel like a "bad" daughter for not going to see her more -- even though I went every day after work! It's irrational, but we all do irrational things when we're grieving. Erin

Emptyinside, you described perfectly what I haven't been able to put into words. I also experience these "episodes" pretty frequently. Anything can trigger one, or sometimes they just happen for no reason at all. I'll be sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden I'll have a thought about calling my mom at lunch or after work, and it's like you said: I'm living in the past and the present all at once. It's very unsettling because my mind knows that she's gone, but it's like my heart won't believe it. In that split second when I think of calling her, I feel like she's still alive, but at the same time I experience the crushing sadness of knowing she's not. It's awful. I also have other flashbacks of her last few days, when she was at her worst. Those have gotten better and don't come as frequently now, but they do pop up every so often. Erin

Babypod, when I first came to this site someone told me that we never "move on" or "get over" a loss. We simply learn to live with it. It's almost 6 months that my mom has been gone, and I'm starting to understand what that means. I will never, ever get over the loss of my mother. I will never be the same person I was before. However, the pain isn't as extreme (at least not constantly) and I can function slightly better than I could in the beginning. I have a feeling that these people telling you to move on have never experienced a really close loss. Ignore them and take care of yourself. The loss of your grandma is still so very new and fresh -- you're probably still in shock from it all. Cry as much as you need to and keep coming here because we all understand what you're going through. I've found that there are certain people I just can't be truly honest with. They may ask how I'm doing, but they don't want to really hear the answer. I tell them I'm hanging in there and then move on in the conversation. There's no point in talking to them only to be told that I need to "get over" it or that they're surprised I'm "still" grieving. Erin

I can very much relate to the anger/jealousy/bitterness. I can't stand to watch those American Cancer Society commercials about "more birthdays." I hate them. My mom didn't get another birthday. She went through hell with chemo and radiation (which I think is ultimately what got her) and for what? She died anyway. I can't stand seeing women with their moms, especially if they're older than my mom was. I also get angry seeing elderly couples together because it makes me feel bad for my dad. It's only been 5.5 months, so I'm hoping these feelings subside eventually. Erin

Lilac, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Losing a parent is absolutely horrible (I lost my mom in November) and this is a time when you need love and support from your friends, not judgement and criticism. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of us on this site have experienced disappointment in terms of how our closest friends have acted following our losses. I don't know what it is that makes people act this way, but it's not right. Your family's decision on how to handle things is your own personal business. If none of you have a problem with it, then your friends shouldn't bother you about it. Just because THEY think that you should have put your life further on hold doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do for YOU and YOUR mom. It's clear from your post that you love and care about your mother and sister very much, and you wouldn't have left if either of them truly needed you there. And you're right, you lost your dad. You need time to grieve as well. Please keep posting and venting here. There is always someone who will understand and listen. Erin

Now that the day is so close, I'm not feeling much of anything. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, but I'm just not reacting the way I thought I would.

I feel absolutely exhausted almost constantly. I sleep a lot on the weekends. I know that it's part of the grieving process, and my doctor said it's the depression as well that is draining me.

Lilac -- I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Unfortunately, I can relate to what you said. I'm a people-pleaser and a doormat, too. Ever since my mom passed I've noticed this changing as I have less patience for other people. I also have little desire to spend time with people, even friends, because I feel like no one can really relate or even cares what I'm going through. My "friends" never ask me how I'm doing. The only people that do ask are those who have also lost a parent and know what it feels like. Erin

Niamh -- I also have moments where I don't want to talk to anyone at all, even close friends and family. Like you said, who cares about the weather? I don't want to chit chat, I want to talk about my mom and how I'm feeling, but sometimes it seems like it's not worth the effort. I find it hard to really make myself understood to people who haven't experienced a loss like this, so it's easier to just NOT talk about it at all. At least I know I can come here and "say" just about anything and at least one person will understand exactly what I mean! Erin

I hate that there are so many of us dealing with loss, but I'm glad we all have each other to get through this. Becka -- My mom would be furious to know how depressed I am. She was sick for years before the cancer, and she always felt horrible when we had to change plans or anything on her account. She never wanted to be a "burden" on us, and I know she would be so sad to see me like this. I'm trying, but it's just so hard without her. Erin