BellaRosa

Amy, I'll be facing my first Mother's Day without my mom this year and I'm dreading it. I don't know what to do either, but I'm going to do whatever feels right to me. Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision.

I was just wondering how everyone copes with work (and other responsibilities) on especially difficult days. For example, I know that Thursday is going to be difficult for me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Do I ask to use a vacation day so that I can stay home? Do I call in "sick" that morning? Do I come to work and see how it goes and leave early if I need to? I work in a very small office, and although they were understanding about me needing time off while my mom was in the hospital and right after the funeral, they're not the type of people to understand "having a bad day" -- people get talked about behind their backs (by the bosses!) when they're out with legitimate illnesses! I guess I don't know if it's better to stay home and be alone, or to force myself to stick to a normal routine and push through it. What works best for you?

Aquarius7, I have trouble sleeping sometimes, too. It's weird because sometimes all I want to do is sleep, and other times I'm tossing and turning until the early hours of the morning. Just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one!

Thanks, Niamh. It was an awful day. My anxiety was almost unbearable and everything just felt kind of "off," you know? We ended up going out for dinner to a new place -- I don't think any of us could bear to do something that we had done with my mom. It would have been too hard and too obvious that she wasn't there. And now this week I have to deal with St. Patrick's Day without her as well as the four month mark -- both on the same day. It just never ends, does it?

Today is my dad's birthday. It's the first one since my mom passed in November. I feel absolutely awful for him, but even more so today. I told him that we can do whatever he wants: if he wants to go out then we'll go out, if he wants to stay home then we'll stay home, if he wants to ignore it completely then we'll do that. He said the other day that he wants to acknowledge the day in some way because he knows that's the right thing to do, but he doesn't know what he can handle. I told him to wait and see how he's feeling later. My heart is just breaking for him. My mom should be here with him. He shouldn't be alone. He's only 58 and now has to live the rest of his life without her. It's just all so unfair.

Princesspeanut, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this while you're grieving your dad as well. I'm disappointed in people as well. They seemed to care for the first couple of weeks after my mom passed, but now no one at all asks how I'm doing. I don't know if they think I should be over it by now, or if it makes them uncomfortable, or if they just don't know what to say. You're definitely not the only one being let down by people you expected to be there for you during a time like this.

Nicholas, I'm so sorry that the answer to your inquiry is bringing you more pain. I have struggled with wanting some answers from the doctors about my mom, but I'm also very scared to find out that there could have been something done and that she may still be here now. I've resisted asking because I know that no matter what the answer is, it won't bring her back. Just know that we are all here for you and understand how devastated you are.

I'm terrified of forgetting my mom's voice. After she passed in November, I frantically checked my phone to see if I had a random saved voicemail message from her. I didn't. And she didn't use a personalized messag on her cell phone's voicemail or on her answering machine. We never had a video camera growing up, but I think my best friend may have one video we made together when we were younger and my mom may be on it. I find that when I get upset about it and actively TRY to recall her voice, I can't. When I'm calm and just thinking about her, I can hear it almost perfectly.

I can relate to just about everything that you all have said above. Since my mom passed, I've been in a horrible depression. I don't want to do anything except be at home, unless I'm with my husband or my dad. I don't want to go out with friends, and the times that I've tried, I've just felt awkward and anxious to get home and feel safe. I guess I feel like at home, I don't have to pretend to be happy or even just OK -- I can be depressed and sad and no one will judge me. Plus, at home, I don't have to deal with overly happy people who just drive me nuts. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to move ahead and have children and give them a good life like my mom gave me, but I don't know how to go back to who I was before. I feel like that person died along with my mother and now I'm this bitter, depressed, and angry person.

Cat Lady, Today is 15 weeks exactly since I lost my mom and I still cry uncontrollably at times, and feel depressed and lonely almost continually. The time between break downs is lengthening, but sometimes I will have 3-4 days at a time that are almost too much to bear. It still takes all of my strength and energy to go to work everyday and be around other people. I keep thinking that if my mom was here, she would know exactly what to say to make it all better, but it's ironic that I need her to help me get over the loss of her.

Eren, what a hard thing to do, scattering the ashes on your birthday. Maybe it will give you some closure. My mom's ashes are in an urn in my parents' living room. My dad and I have talked about getting some mausoleum space at some point, but I don't know if/when we'll be ready to do that. It does feel final, as you said.

Melina, I don't think there is a "normal" for dealing with any of this. When my mom first passed 3 months ago, I had no problem looking at photos of her. It did make me cry, but I could handle it. Now? I can't stand to look at them and see her smiling. It's just too much -- almost like proof that she was once here and now she's gone.

Chai, Yes! People drive me absolutely nuts! I can't stand to listen to them complain about their petty problems, nor can I bear to listen to them get excited about things that normally I would enjoy too. The weather is getting a bit nicer here and everyone is just so thrilled about it. I wish they would all just shut up. Not only do I not care about the weather, but the seasons changing is just a huge reminder to me that time is marching forward and my mom isn't here anymore. It makes me furious to hear other women my age complain about their moms. Don't they realize how lucky they are to still have their moms here? I know I used to be one of those people, but everything is so different on this side. No one really asks how I am. I have to bring it up and that just feels awkward. If I am having an especially bad day and someone notices, it's like they're surprised to hear I'm still sad and depressed. It hasn't even been four months. How is that enough time to "get over" a 29-year relationship with the woman who gave me life and raised me?

I was just wondering if anyone had received any signs from their loved ones recently? I think I may have received one from my mother last night, in a dream. It definitely wasn't a "visit" per se, as I didn't see her at all or even hear her voice. In my dream, I was at some kind of hotel and I was apparently waiting for her to come pick me up. I had waited all day, and the sun was starting to go down, so it occurred to me that I should check my cell phone to see if she had tried calling me. My phone distinctly showed I had 5 missed calls. The number 5 really stood out to me. I called her back and said something along the lines of, "I figured if I was waiting for you, then you must have been waiting for me, too." I was happy when I was talking to her and I hung up the phone knowing that she would come get me. When I woke up, I couldn't get that number 5 out of my mind, so I Googled it as soon as I got to work. Among other things, apparently 5 is a link between Heaven and Earth: Five represents your persuasiveness, spontaneity, boldness, daring nature, action, and humanity. The number five represents the five human senses and thus may be telling you to be more "sensitive" and be more in tune to your senses. Alternatively, the number five may reflect a change in your path or that you need to alter your course. It is also the link between heaven and earth. Now, I may be reaching here, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when I read that. I've been waiting for the past 3 months for some kind of communication from her, but maybe she's been waiting for me to move out of this dark hole of grief that I've been in. I don't know if it really was a sign from her or not, but it made me feel better.

Wiseserenity, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I lost my mom 3 months ago and I also feel like a part of me is gone forever. I feel like a completely different person and like I will never truly be myself again. I try to pretend like I'm OK when I'm at work, but it takes so much energy and most of the time I can't even be bothered to fake it. I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm still very new to this journey, so all I can tell you is that I can relate to some of what you said. Keep posting and letting it out here. There is always someone who will relate to you and understand where you're coming from.

Shelley, I have become very self-centered since my mother passed. I think this is probably normal and a survival instinct. I care about my husband and my father, and I do still care about other people, but I find that I place myself above other people I'm not as close with. I guess I feel like I'm the only who knows exactly what I'm feeling and going through, so I have to take care of myself. Most other people have unrealistic expectations and don't fully understand how the grieving process works. I also have very little patience for other people and their problems. I feel bad about this, but I can't help it.

Mystic, I am so very sorry about the loss of your mother. I, too, lost my mother (last November) and can relate to so much of what you said. I am 29 and my mom was 61. She passed from lung cancer complications, and it was very difficult to watch her decline. I know what you mean about reading stories online and finding hope that things will get better. I held on to slivers of hope right up until the end. I can see why you feel like you lied to your mom, but you really didn't. You had every intention of going to see her, but unfortunately other circumstances prevented you from doing so. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong or that you didn't care. Clearly, you loved her very much and wouldn't have done something to intentionally hurt her. I'm sure she knew that. In the early weeks of my mom's passing, I questioned many things that we did and didn't do for her. Maybe we could have taken her to a different hospital. Maybe there was a better doctor/treatment/test/something out there that would have worked and cured her. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20 and beating ourselves up about things that happened in the past is pointless. It won't make us feel better and it certainly won't bring our mothers back to us. I'm glad you found us, although I'm sad as well. Post as much as you need to. The good thing about this site is there is always someone who can relate, and we never tire of hearing how everyone is feeling and what they're going through.

Brody, I think a card at any time is a lovely idea. I lost my mother only 3 months ago, and I can tell you that I would absolutely love to receive a card or some kind of acknowledgment from anyone. Most people tend to think that grieving ends shortly after the funeral and that we should all be back to "normal" by now. Your work friend is very blessed to have someone like you who cares enough to realize that she is still very much in pain.

Again, I thought I was doing OK the past few days, but then last night I just lost it again. I know logically what happened and that my mom is not coming back, but HOW is this possible? How could this have possibly happened to my family? How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without my mother? Everything just feels so wrong. Now it's just me, my husband, and my dad. Three of us. It feels so unbalanced. I thought about that even when my mom was still in the hospital. We were in the cafeteria getting something to eat, and I realized that it was just going to be the three of us from now on. It just feels like there are so many obstacles coming up so quickly. We just passed the three month mark, but next month will be four months AND it happens to land on St. Patrick's Day -- my mother's second favorite holiday after Christmas. Next month is also my dad's birthday. Then in April is what should be my mom's 62nd birthday. Then May is Mother's Day. As if day to day living isn't hard enough, there are all these HUGE events (at least it feels that way) all coming up so quickly. The worst part about this is that it feels like there is no end to the pain. The only way for me to feel better is for my mom to come back, and that's not possible. I feel like we've all suffered so much for too long already and it should be over. She should come back and everything should go back to normal, like it was before. I know that it will get easier in time. I know that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just feel like I'm so DONE with all of this and I want it to just go away. I want my normal life back, the life that includes my mother.

Niamh, I'm so glad to hear you went to the group on your own and gave it a try. I've been contemplating going to some counseling or group therapy myself, so it's nice to hear other people's experiences. Also, I can really relate to two things you mentioned above. The first is that you said the day of the week is lining up with the actual date for you right now. I'm dealing with that today, kind of. Today, the 17th, is 3 months since my mom passed. Today, Thursday, is the day she collapsed and went to the hospital. Wednesdays (Nov 17th was a Wednesday) and Thursdays are especially difficult for me because they will forever hold those memories, but today is proving to be even MORE trying because of the overlap. I didn't think anyone else felt that way. The second thing is how you said that having your mom away makes you realize what things will be like one day. My dad is away on business for the next week or so (he's been gone since last Saturday) and I had a complete breakdown the night before he left realizing how alone I am. Sure, I have my husband and his family, but it's not the same as my own parents. My mom is gone forever and my dad is gone for now, and I just feel lonely and kind of abandoned. It made me realize that one day my dad will be gone forever, too, and this is what it will be like.

trying2Cope, I could have written this myself. When people ask me how I'm doing (which is rare these days), I find myself saying OK even though I'm really not. I don't know what else to say, because I know they don't want all the gritty details. If I get through the day without crying, I feel guilty. If it's been more than a couple of days, I start to wonder what's wrong with me and why I'm not crying uncontrollably. I question if it means I don't love my mother as much as I thought I did, or if I'm a bad daughter. I beg both my mother and God to give me a sign that she's OK. I've had a few responses, but nothing clear-cut enough for me. One of my mom's friends claims to have had a visit from her, and although that makes me happy to know she's still out there somewhere, it makes me angry and jealous, too. I'm trying to be patient as I am a firm believer in signs and visits and whatnot (I've had several from other family and friends over the years), but I feel like it would really help me to know NOW. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me and I think it is all a normal reaction to what we're dealing with.

ColleenRE, I think guilt is a normal part of this whole process. I feel guilty because we never took my mom for a second opinion about her cancer or her treatment options. What if there was a doctor out there who knew of a better way? I also feel guilty for not thinking of hospice sooner. Clearly, she wasn't doing well and couldn't continue treatment, so why didn't we ask about hospice before it was too late? Maybe she could have spent her last weeks more comfortable than she did. Unfortunately we'll never get answers to any of these questions, and asking them will just continue to eat away at us. I ask them less lately, but they still pop into my head. I try not to dwell on them too much or else I will drive myself crazy.

I also feel guilty doing certain things -- things that aren't necessary, mostly. I have to get up and go to work, but I don't "have" to go out to lunch. Why should I enjoy a meal? My mom is gone and she can't do that. I'll never be able to go out to eat with ever again. It's weird how our minds work when we're grieving. Just like how you felt a twinge of guilt getting a haircut -- it has no relationship to your dad, but the feeling still comes. I try to just experience all of the feelings and not be too hard on myself. I also have broken down crying in the middle of stores. Three weeks after my mom passed, I had to travel for work. I was in the middle of a mall in Dublin with my coworker and lost it! I was embarrassed, but crying also makes me feel a teensy bit better.

Anne3, I also find that talking to other people who went through this helps me. It let's me see that they got through it, continued to live their lives, and are able to still be happy. Not that they don't have bad days or have gotten "over" it, but just that they've accepted it. It's just hard for me to think that far ahead right now. I'm 29, but I feel like I'm about 6 years old and just want my mommy. Cowboy daughter, I used to go visit my mom on Mondays and Wednesdays after work. Those times just feel empty now. I still go to the house (almost everyday now), to be with my dad, but it's not the same. I know what you mean about not having anyone to check on you anymore. Nicholas, the worst is coming into work on a Monday morning and everyone asks how your weekend was and what you did. I guess they're trying to be nice, but my mom is gone. Nothing is the same. I have no interest in going out and doing weekend "things" right now. And yes, I hate when people ask how I'm doing. They don't want a real answer. They want to hear that I'm doing fine and moving on.

it's like the grief will just hit me all of a sudden. Last night I was driving home from work, and I just felt this overwhelming emptiness and loneliness. My husband was at basketball practice (he coaches) and my dad was working late. I didn't want to go home and be alone. Normally I would have gone to visit my mom, but she's gone and now I can't do that. I'm sure I could have called a friend, but I wanted HER specifically. Then today at work, I had to work on a file that was started back in November. There are emails printed out in there from the morning of the day my mom collapsed, as well as from the morning of the day she passed. Just looking at the dates and times sent me back to those days and I had to go to the bathroom to cry because I just lost it. Up until about noon on November 11th, all was right in my world. Yes, my mom was sick, she had cancer, but she was HERE. I could talk to her and hug her and spend time with her. In a matter of seconds, my entire world was turned upside down and it doesn't feel like it will ever be right-side up again.