BellaRosa

Raindrop, I am so sorry to hear about your mom and the other issues you're dealing with. While I can't relate to everything you wrote, I can tell you that I lost my mom in November to lung cancer, I have suffered from social anxiety and depression for many years, and I too feel ignored by some people. Because of my anxiety, going to an in-person support group is kind of out of the question. I'm not sure it would work for me. I've found great support here and on other grief support message boards. It's reassuring to be able to come here and post something and know that SOMEONE out there understands. I encourage you to keep posting here (your post was not long at all!) and discussing what you're going through. Someone will relate and hopefully that will make you feel a little bit less alone. I don't really have any family aside from my dad and my husband. My mom was an only child and her parents are both dead, and I've never met anyone on my dad's side of the family, so I feel very alone sometimes. My husband tries to understand, but I've learned that unless you've experienced a terrible loss, you just can't possibly truly understand. I have one friend who lost her dad when she was 19, so she and I talk quite a bit and it's nice to have someone who truly "gets it" -- but other than that, I have friends who aren't overly interested in talking about my mom, my grief, or anything related to it. If I bring it up, everyone gets quiet and uncomfortable so I've just stopped. It's not worth it. I also know what you mean about your faith. At first, I clung to my faith like crazy and used that to get me through. Now I find myself questioning lots of things and wondering where exactly my mother is. Before she passed away, I didn't have an ounce of doubt about the afterlife -- now I seem to have more doubt than faith. I'm glad you found this community and I hope that it helps you on your journey. Erin

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mom in November and I can't imagine losing my dad, too. It is one of my biggest fears now. I'm glad you were able to honor both of them at the same service -- as you said, I'm sure it was very beautiful and touching. Erin

I feel exactly the same. It's been just over 8 months since I lost my mom, and although I'm not crying all the time anymore, I'm just generally BLAH all the time. My temper is almost non-existent, I don't care about much of anything, and I find that the few things that do actually excite me, I obsess over. I'm almost always in a bad mood, and although I try to hide it, some days I just can't. At first, I liked being at my parents' house because I felt close to my mom there. Now it makes me anxious most of the time. It feels so empty and like a huge reminder that she's gone. Erin

Drock, it's funny you mentioned being at a concert and feeling the need to cry. The same thing happened to me! Except I didn't even have the excuse of a ballad or anything -- it was right before the show started and it hit me that I wouldn't be able to go home and tell my mom about it. I was just overwhelmed and almost lost it right then and there. I forced myself to stay composed because I didn't want to be the weirdo crying, but it was hard. Erin

Good to hear from you, Niamh! I too have been reading but not posting too much lately. I know what you mean about struggling with not having that person who thought of you as number one. My mom was that way, and I miss not being able to just complain and talk to her and have her agree with me! Like you said about your dad, my mom is the one person who would have been able to help me deal with this. Ironic, isn't it? I still can't talk about her really without crying. It depends on the day. It seemed like I was having a good couple of weeks, but the past two days have just been awful again. It's like my brain and heart know when an anniversary is coming up, even if I'm not consciously aware of it. I don't count the days anymore, but whenever the 11th or the 17th come around, I find myself more depressed and fragile than other days. I really want to believe that she is still here with me in a different way, and that I will see her again one day, but sometimes it is so, so hard. Erin

Drock, it has been 8 months since my mom passed. For a first few months, I had bad days and "less bad" days. Then the "less bad" days turned into OK days. Now I find that I have OK days and days that are almost good. I do definitely have good moments and bad moments everyday. At first, it was very difficult to do ANYTHING at all. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep and ignore the world. My husband and a couple friends have forced me into social situations and I find that it helped. There are still times I just can't deal with being around people, and there are certain events I just haven't been able to go to (my sister-in-law's baby shower, my in-laws' Mother's Day celebration), but I find that I can get through the more mundane tasks. Everyone is different. Take your time and don't beat yourself up about it. It's OK to have trouble dealing with even the simplest things. The best advice I've received from this board is: be kind to yourself. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to stay inside and veg on the couch, do it. If you feel up to going out, go out. Erin

DLynn, I'm so sorry. I lost my mom almost 8 months ago (I can't believe it's been that long already) and the pain does definitely lessen with time. I remember having a really hard time getting all of the awful images out of my head in the very beginning -- it was all I could think about! Now those images come less and less, and they're not as vivid. I too was there holding my mom's hand as she passed away, and I don't think I will ever forget that moment, but I'm glad it's not all-consuming now like it was before. It's cliche, but there are good days and bad days. I've learned not to beat myself up about the bad days. It's OK to cry and be sad. People who haven't experienced a loss like this will probably not understand, but that's OK too. I try to ignore those people because they usually just make me more upset. Erin

The monthly anniversaries are so hard. Thank you for sharing so much about your grandma. She sounds like an amazing woman and a wonderful role model for you! Erin

Melina, I have been in almost constant pain since my mom passed, mostly in my neck and shoulders. I know I should try yoga (I have a DVD that I used to do everyday) but I've had a hard time getting motivated. I would definitely recommend buying a DVD to do at home if you can't get to a class. I have one called Candlelight Yoga and it is put out by a company called Crunch (they have studios and offer classes in NYC). Erin

My dad put my mom's brush and comb into a Ziploc bag and have kept them as they were, with a few strands of hair. I'm glad to have those few physical reminders of her.

I still have many moments throughout the day where I think to myself that I should call my mom and tell her (fill in the blank). It's almost like living in two worlds at once, because I realize as I'm thinking it that she's no longer here and I can't call her. It's a very unsettling feeling to think both things at once.

This is the thought that bothers me the most about my mom: she doesn't EXIST anymore. She was cremated and I can't stop thinking about the fact that she's not here at all -- she's a pile of ashes in an urn in the living room. When she first passed and my dad and I were doing all the necessary paperwork, it was disturbing to me how easily it is to erase someone from existence. Erin

I'm glad you were able to put your mind at ease by meeting with the doctor. I've thought about doing this myself, but it's been almost 8 months since my mom passed and I worry that it's "too late."

Eren, The six month mark is very hard. It's been just over 7 months since I lost my mom, and I still feel like I'm just drifting through life most days. I've noticed that I'm starting to have more OK days than bad ones lately, but I feel that changing soon since it was this time last year (June 29th) that my mom was diagnosed. Being closer to the one year anniversary than the day she died is a very weird feeling. Erin

I'm angry, too, but for different reasons. My mom passed away due to lung cancer and complications from the chemo. What makes me angry is that no one EVER suggested hospice to us or her despite the fact that she was SO ill and had lost SO much weight (She only weighed 68 pounds! That is not OK!). When she collapsed at home and ended up in the ER, the ER doctor was astonished that she wasn't on hospice. I'm angry because I feel like the doctors dropped the ball and my mother suffered more than she should have. Had they been paying better attention, they would have seen how badly she was doing and helped to ease her pain. I can definitely understand why you're so angry and sick that your poor grandma survived so much hardship only to be taken away by something that could have been treated. It's terrible.

I'm not a doctor and everyone is different, so all I can do is tell you that they worked for me to get me through a couple of months. Remember that there are many many different medications, too. The best thing to do is talk honestly with your doctor and I'm sure he/she will tell you what they think is best for you. Other things that have helped me are keeping a journal (I write letters to my mom and tell her what's going on, how much I miss her, etc.), this board, and talking to other people who have lost a parent. Oh, and I'm still working on it, but the book Motherless Daughters has helped me to feel not so alone and crazy as well. It's incredibly difficult to deal with. I cry when I need to and don't beat myself up about it. People here reminded me to be kind to myself when I first arrived on the board, and they're right. You're going through an emotionally draining time right now and it's ok to NOT feel ok.

Janie, I'm glad you're going to talk to your doctor. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life, but I had been off of any meds for almost 6 months when my mom passed. I tried to cope with it on my own, but I ended up having to go back on them for a couple of months. They helped take the really extreme emotions away so that I could still go to work and function. Erin

Nicholas, I'm dealing with a different loss (my mom) but I know what you mean about not being able to see past the darkness of this moment. Today makes 29 weeks for me, and although it's gotten slightly easier, I can't see an end to the pain and sadness. I'm so sorry you're going through this -- no one should ever have to lose a child. I know too many people who have and they all say it's something they've never "gotten over" -- they've simply learned to live with it and move forward WITH the pain. Erin

Congratulations! You should be very proud of yourself! I felt this way this morning actually. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of being sad. I want to be happy, but at the same time I don't want to be happy in this new life. I want my mom back and I want everything to go back to normal.

Thanks, Niamh. I am going to check out this song as soon as I get home tonight! I also like "When I Look to the Sky" by Train.

Hi Janie, I lost my mom almost 7 months ago and I can relate with everything you said. I'm angry, I feel alone (even though I'm not), and I don't want to do anything but sleep and wallow in my sadness. However, I force myself to go to work everyday and to get out with my husband, my dad, or my friends. It's not always easy -- in fact, yesterday I had a huge meltdown at work and ended up crying uncontrollably in the bathroom. Like you and your mom, I was very close with mine as well and my life feels empty without her. My dad and I have a great relationship, but it's just not the same. I have a friend who lost her dad 10 years ago, so we talk a lot and it's nice to have someone who truly understands what I'm feeling and going through. I find that other people mean well, but they don't truly "get it" and it just ends up being awkward when I try to talk to them about my mom or my grief. So I don't. I come on here and another private message board and talk to others who are going through the same things I am. This board has helped me tremendously -- it's made me realize that I'm NOT going crazy, what I'm experiencing IS normal, and I WILL get through it. An acquaintance of mine lost her mom when she was 16 and she told me from the beginning that this is not something one "gets over" -- we just learn to live with the pain. Some days are easier than others, and at 7 months out, I still have some really bad days, but they are getting more spread out. I've been told by many people that the grief might tend to get worse around the 6 month mark, so maybe that is what you're experiencing? Erin

YES! I feel the same way. I know my husband and my dad love me very much, but it's just not the same way my mother did. I'm going to check out the book you mentioned. The one that is helping me is Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman. I bought it a couple of weeks after my mom passed, but I wasn't able to open it until a couple of months later. I've been reading it slowly -- it stirs up a lot of emotion and I can't take more than a chapter at a time.

Melina, i've been on and off anti-dress ants for the past 10 years. I was off it for about 6 months when my mom passed away and I didn't want to go back on anything. After 2 months I couldn't take the intense anxiety and breakdowns anymore so I talked to my doctor and he put me back on the lowest dose of Lexapro. I ended up not liking how numb it made me feel so I stopped it again and am trying to deal without it. We all need to do what's best for us. I think it's normal to feel a rush of emotions when you're tapering off because everything is coming up to the surface. Have you mentioned this to your doctor? I avoided alcohol for about 5 months because I know I have an addictive personality and it would have been easy to just have a few drinks and forget everything. I won't deny that i've done that a few times, but I know it's not the answer. Don't feel embarrassed -- we've all done crazy stuff in the midst of grief. Erin

Ashleybatt, I lost my mom in November to lung cancer and everything you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel so lost and alone, even though I have a wonderful husband, friends, and my dad. Even thinking about having kids now makes me incredibly depressed because she won't be here to experience it with me, and my children will never truly know her. I replay the last year or so in my head and go over all the things we could have done differently, thinking that maybe there's a chance she might still be here. Unfortunately I don't have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that there is someone out there who can relate to what you're going through. I'm glad you found this site because it has been SO helpful to me these past 6 months and hopefully it will be for you, too. Erin

Babypod, this breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that your family is acting this way and giving you a hard time about how you're grieving. I see nothing wrong with doing things your Grandma would have done -- in fact, I think it's great! I try to do the same thing with my Mom. I find myself doing things the way she used to, just as a sign of respect for her and a way to keep her involved in our lives. I know what you mean about wanting to keep the house a shrine. It was hard for me to see my dad change little things around the house after my mom passed -- he didn't change much at all, but I would have preferred to keep everything EXACTLY as she left it! I know that's not healthy, but it's hard not to feel that way. Erin