Anne E

Oh gosh. You have to be thinking.....will any of this ever end. It has to seem like it's just one thing after another to you. If you have not been able to tell, I am a huge dog person. We have three and I can't even begin to imagine what I would do without a furry child. (Noticed your daughters name, Sophia. I have a Parson's Jack Russell Terrier named---HRH Miss Sophie. Hope your daughter does not share the same attitude!!! ) I have been tested for allergies and of course the only thing I tested a bit allergic to was dogs. I take an over the counter antihistamine daily and do just fine. I hope your daughter can find relief as easily as I have. Hopefully, the doctor will be able to find a way for you to be able to manage the child and the pets. Let us know!

Bless your heart. Sadness can be so incredibly overwhelming and can rob you of your self-confidence and certainly your peace of mind. Not feeling well certainly makes it more difficult to handle the incredible stress. It's been 4 years and I still talk to Dick. I have his ashes in my closet, I have not been able to purchase an urn, so he is still in the black plastic box, sitting on the shelf in my closet. On a really bad day, I open the closet door and tell him all about what is bothering me, just like I used to when he was alive and well. When I have managed to take another baby step forward in my grief, I sit on the bed and tell him all about what I have accomplished and how good it feels. My dogs sit at my feet and look at me like I'm looney. Guess it's quite a sight???? It does get better, honest. We just have to try to be patient and let time work it's magic.

Oh Lordy! Sign me up!!! I love it!

Hello! I got back from the Alaska Cruise last Saturday and immediately came down with a really bad headcold. Yuck! However, the cold can not diminish the experience of the cruise. I do believe I should live on a cruise ship! The pampering is awesome. I did the things Dick and I dreamed about. I saw the Mendenhaul Glacier; went whale watching and saw Humpback whales and babies; saw harbor seals and pups and much, much more. It was wonderful! There were a few things that honestly really surprised me. Standing looking at the Mendenhall Glacier gave me such peace. Dick and I wanted to see that sight so badly. I was a bit fearful getting off the bus, I didn't want to crumble into a pile of soggy kleenex and make an ugly scene. The calmness and peace I felt standing there was almost overpowering. I now know Dick is OK and I am going to be OK too. I had taken some business cards of Dick's with the intention of leaving them in Alaska, but found myself unable to leave one. I just couldn't, I don't know, leave part of him there alone, leave part of him uncared for? I don't know what, I just couldn't do it and I'm fine with that. So, I went, I saw and I conquered!

I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband died 4 years ago and I still have times that are very difficult for me. Grief is not a short walk, but a very long journey. It sounds like you cared for your husband for a time before his death. I too was the care provider for my husband for several years before and after his double lung transplant surgery. After his death, I was so tired, physically, mentally and emotionally. It took me months and months to regain my strength. I doubt that I will ever be able to sleep through the night again. You need time to rest and recover. You need to give yourself time and acknowledge that you are going to be in pain, you are going to cry often and at the strangest times, you are not going to be able to sleep and you are going to be so lonely. It's what grief is. We need to learn to accept the fact that grief is grief and we all have no choice but to work our way through the worst of the grief. At first, I refused to even consider attending a grief support group. That was a big mistake. I would encourage you to try to find a group. It is so comforting to find a group of people who are experiencing the same thing you are experiencing. It was so supportive for me to find a group of women who understood when I talked about being lonely, being depressed, being angry, etc., etc. This is a great place to share your feeling. There is no judgement here and no one telling you what you have to do, should be doing and all that stuff people who have not suffered the loss of a spouse or partner are so quick to share. Hang in there. Let us know how you are doing.

You are so very young to have suffered such a terrible loss, I'm sure everything is so overwhelming, frightening and the rest of your life looms huge. I think we devote ourselves to others and do not spend enough time discovering who we are. After our "other half" is gone, we are adrift. I know I never spent time thinking about what I would do if I was alone. I spent my life enjoying my "married" life and doing things to enrich our lives as a family. I guess I never thought I would be alone. At the last meeting of my support group, we talked about this very subject. What do we do with the rest of our lives....what do we do next....how do we discover who we are now.....how do we plan for the future when we honestly aren't very interested in the future? Wish I could report that there was a simple, doable, quick fix answer. But unfortunately, we couldn't find one. Here are some things we did agree on: begin thinking about ourselves as single boldly take one step at a time try not to over analyze every move we make accept baby steps be willing to fail and keep on trying give ourselves time, there are very, very few decisions that have to be made immediately try different things to see if "they are you" decide that for a while, the only person we really "need" to please is ourselves accept that time is our friend and to just allow ourselves time I know there are many, many more things that others could add to the list. It has been four years since Dick's death and I am just beginning to discover things that please me. At first, it seemed disloyal or something to accept the fact that I actually have different interests and that my situation has changed, therefore, I will be doing things differently. None of us are assured a picture perfect future, we are given one day at a time and it is our day to fill. Sometimes we will fill that day with happy, fun, positive events and sometimes we may fill the day with sadness and doubt. The day will be our day to do with what we wish. Your grief is so new, your mind is in such a jumble....give yourself a break and accept time. Hang in there, it just marches on. Am so glad you talk to us. It keeps us connected as well as giving us the opportunity to consider where we are in our journey. Hugs..........Anne

Kay, I love the sentence about George being proud of you, I know Dick is proud of me also because he too was always proud of me not matter what. I miss that look in his eyes when he looked at me with such pride. It's a look a treasure! I promise to take tons of pictures and share them when I can figure out how to do it!

Should clarify a point. I am not going on the cruise alone. I will be going with three other gals from my knitting group. We plan to knit, sight see, knit, eat, knit, force walk around the decks, knit, take pictures and knit some more! I will be sharing a room with another Ann. She is also a widow who encouraged me to start attending the Women's Support Group. We have become very good friends. We plan to support each other every step of the way!

Dick and I always dreamed of taking the inside passage of Alaska cruise. About the time we had the son raised, all the bills paid, etc., etc., and could afford to actually go, his lung condition worsened, he had to be on oxygen 24/7 and the dream was shelved. While we were in the hospital all those months while he was trying to recover from the lung transplant surgery, the Alaska Cruise was a goal. Today, I went into Pueblo and purchased a bigger suitcase and a new carry on bag.......I leave in 6 days to get on that boat and take that cruise!!! (The boat leaves on June 8th which would have been our 44th wedding anniversary!) This afternoon as I drove home from Pueblo and this evening, I fear I am having a bit of "buyer remorse". Can't decide if I have made a mistake. I fear I will get on that boat and be miserable because I am without Dick, enjoying the trip we dreamed about for so long. So, after wallowing in those thoughts for the evening, I have put on my "big girl" panties and decided to refuse to dwell on those negative thoughts. I AM GOING ON THE CRUISE AND I AM GOING TO HAVE THE GREAT TIME DICK AND I WOULD HAVE SHARED!!! I know he will be there in spirit! I KNOW that! I get so mad at myself because since Dick's death, I am so wishy/washy. I spend way too much time second guessing almost every single thing I do. Sucks to think that this is the way I will be the rest of my life. Wonder what happened to the gal who stood firm and made all those difficult decisions all by herself??? Sometimes, life is just exhausting isn't it??? OK, whining is over. I'm going to head to the office to check the to do list and packing list. Perhaps I will take some cheese to have with that whine! Anne

I took anti depressants and sleeping aids after Dick received the diagnoses that he would need double lung transplants. We were told that in all probability he only had about 5 years to live without transplants, barring another infection. I found that I could barely function and spent a great deal of time in tears. I found the anti depressants very helpful. I continued to use the medications for about a year and a half after his death and would not hesitate to use them again if the need arose. The medications helped me deal with all the things I had to deal with, helped me concentrate and focus. It seems that use of medication is a personal choice. I found them invaluable. Sleeping is still a big problem. Sleeplessness seems to come in waves. I really long to have several nights sleep in a row and see if I would generally feel better and more rested. One never knows.

I hate hearing people bitch about their spouse. It makes me mad...why couldn't they have lost their husband rather then me. (Does that make me a bad person?) NO! That does not make you a bad person, It makes you a person who knew how to love someone! I am so very sorry for your loss. Dick and I would have been married 44 year, June 8th of this year. We had been married 39 years when he died. Bless your heart. I can't even begin to imagine your loss. While it is so painful, I love to hear your thoughts on your relationship. I know that really doesn't help you, but it does warm my heart to know that devotion in relationships does still exist. Sometimes, I wonder when I hear and see how other couple take each other so for granted. Blessing, Anne

Lina, isn't that so true? Dick was the only person I ever knew who "got me". He understood. I know it's because he loved me and took the time to listen. I feel so luck, that I was able to have he for 40 years, we grew up together. Yesterday, I went to my knit group and listened to three of the ladies sit and complain about their husbands. They were so happy that they took separate vacations and "did their own thing" most of the time and did not have to "put up" with their husbands. I wanted so badly to scream at them, you don't know how lucky you are to have your spouse. You have no idea how lonely and lost you are going to be if he dies before you. They asked me if Dick and I vacationed and spent lots of time together? I said, yes we did and I would give anything I owned to be able to spend time with him again. Being a widow is so final and so very lonely. There are always things left unsaid and time you would love to spend together. Life is so darn short and often seems so unfair.

Wish you all were here in my living room, sharing a cup of coffee/tea, watching the beautiful bright yellow Lesser Goldfinches and fiery red House Finches on the bird feeders. There are several beautiful Robins hopping around on the ground, but you have to give up out of the chair to look at them. All of this is framed against a lovely blue sky with a few puffy white clouds floating by. Spring in South Central Colorado is beautiful this morning. Have put the grape jelly in the Oriole feeder and am waiting to see if they show up and chase the finches away.

Oh golly, I can so relate. Dick has been gone over three years and I still HATE night time. I have accepted the fact that the other side of the bed will be empty. HRH Miss Sophie, Queen of the Universe, (our Jack Russell Terrier) sleeps with me and insists on always being in contact with me. That is a bit helpful, but as you know, does not replace the 6'3" beloved husband. Plus the fact that she growls as me when I toss and turn. Dick NEVER did that! I long to be able to sleep through the night, get a good nights rest and wake up in the morning feeling rested. That has not happened in years! Dick was ill for 5 years prior to the lung transplants and resulting mess. My sleep cycle is toast! Waking up at 4:30, after finally getting to sleep after 2:00 is no fun! I understand how you feel numb during the day. I am a firm believer that a few nights of 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would really be helpful. Obviously, I have no answers, other than to tell you I think I understand a bit how you feel. My acceptance of the situation has come over time. The worst of the pain has lessened, now it's more like a dull ache. I am learning to live with the fatigue, but would really like it to go away. I would give anything to be able to discuss this problem with Dick, but he doesn't answer when I talk to him. Wish I had some wonderful, easy, quick solutions, but of course I don't. Just wanted you to know that I think I understand a bit and you are not alone. Hang in there, Lina.

Good thoughts Widower and Steven. It has been almost 4 years since my husbands death and I can assure you that it does indeed take work to begin to feel somewhat "normal" again. I know that at some point, I had to make the decision to fight my way out of depression and to try to live a life with some degree of happiness and contentment. I have posted here before that I had to make a conscious effort to look for joy every single day. I made a promise to myself and Dick that I would look for joy and begin to climb my way out of depression,, one baby step at a time. It is not easy and I honestly will say that every single day is not one of joy and happiness. However, my days of despair are fewer. I do not expect to never suffer bouts of terrible tidal waves of pain and sadness, but they are becoming fewer and do not seem to last as long. Time and patience have been healers for me.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! Three weeks! That's a HUGE Deal! Very proud of you! Your theatre group production sounds like lots of fun! Good Luck with your curtain pulling! What an important job! Just think, the play can't go on if you don't pay attention!

I am so very sorry for your loss. The loss of parents, both of them, is so hard. I don't care how old we are, we always seem to want to talk to our parents. It's just hard, isn't it. My mother has been gone for many, many years. She died when she was 49 years old, on the day after my son's, her first grandchild's, 2nd birthday. For the first two or three years after her death, we visited her grave. Each time was difficult for me. It never got easier, I never found no comfort from the visit. Finally, I decided to spend my time remembering her as she was before she became ill and died. I decided to remember her as she was...a loving, supportive, vibrant mother/grandmother. My father died four years ago. After the funeral, I have never been to the grave site. I have no plans to do so. Again, I choose to remember him as the loving, strong, supportive father/grandfather. I totally understand your frustration with the monument people. That's just not right!!! They should be ashamed of themselves. Keep Bugging Them!!! In my opinion, we each need to discover how we best deal with the loss. No one can tell us how we ought/should/need to react. Give yourself some time. Be patient and gentle with yourself. When the time is right, you will know and you will be able to do what you need to do. Blessings, Anne

Here's my positive today. I was driving the scenic route to Florence, CO to go to Bible Study this morning. About half way there, you can look down into the valley and see a beautiful green field full of white goats. The babies are no long babies but rather unruly young ones. I slowed down to have a look at them, looked at the place on the car where the speed indicator is located just in time to see the blue gas pump light flash on. My first though was...On, my gosh, Dick will kill me!!!!! He never approved of me leaving town without a full tank of gas, no matter how short the trip was. Then I thought, you know what, this would be a lovely place to have to sit and wait for Richard to come and bring me gas. Just imagine taking the time to sit and watch the goats on a lovely Spring morning!

Mary (Queeniemary), CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Could not be prouder of you and your huge effort. I imagine that stopping smoking is such a hard thing to do! You certainly want to be able to enjoy all those Grands! You Lucky Duck!!!

I really like what you all have been saying. Thinking about what, if anything, I will leave behind is something I probably spend too much time pondering. Dick and I were blessed with the adoption of our son and enjoyed raising him. However, he has not married and has not made me a Grandmother! Imagine that. However, rather than focusing that I don't have Grandchildren of my very own, I have found that reaching out and "adopting" children is a good solution. It is so satisfying to spend time with kids. I don't do "herds" of young ones well, but I really love one-on-one or two or three. I like the thought of just enjoying children without the burden of full time discipline and all that. Hopefully, I am leaving a few little people on the planet who know that for a short time, there was someone who thought they were very special and worth spending time with. I have told my little Lexus and Haylee to remember in the future, when things are difficult for them and they are not feeling so good about themselves, there was a lady they spent time with who always thought they were beyond terrific. Isn't that really all we can do in this world? Remind people that we think they are beyond terrific? That's my purpose for the time being.

I did mean owe any money, but sometimes our subconscious takes over!!!

Thank you so much for the nice comment. I absolutely believe that I gain probably far more from volunteering than the kids I work with. Looking forward to being a small part of their lives gives me purpose and so very much joy. Today my positive is.......my taxes are done and I DON'T OWN any money!!!!!! Yippee!! Anne

Here's my strange positive for yesterday. I volunteer at Project Literacy here in Canon City. I tutor, one-on-one, two girls, Lexus-third grade and Haylee-fourth grade. I have tutored Lexus for almost two years and am quite fond of her. Last night, her mother told me they are moving to Los Vegas. Bummer. It was pretty tearful! Sure hate to see to see her go. Lexus has progressed very well through the program and was probably going to graduate from the program this summer, so she is upset because she will not be able to graduate! The move to Los Vegas will be a good one for the family. They will be closer to family and because of her father's declining heath will be taking over an established family business. It's just hard to say good-by to Lexus and her mother. I was also told yesterday that Haylee will probably be dropped from the program since her mother does not seem to be willing to see that Haylee attends regularly. I am very upset about this, but can see the reasoning. There is a long waiting list of children wanting to receive help from this FREE program. While Haylee certainly needs the help, it can't be offered if she is not present. I am so sorry for Haylee, but there is not much I can do for her if she is not there and she can't bring herself. I would like to take her silly mother and shake her until her teeth fall out! It's hard to accept that in-spite of all we have done through the program to be accommodating and supportive, the education of her daughter is just not a top priority for the mom. It's sad. There is a positive in this! I feel very good and proud of the work Lexus and Haylee and I have done together. Their reading skills have improved greatly and their self confidence has grown leaps and bounds. I feel very good about my part in their growth. Lexus has made huge improvement which can be directly related to her mother's desire to find help for her child and to be part of the process. I wish Haylee's mother participated half as much. She seems to want to drop Haylee off and have someone else "fix" her. It's so frustrating and the child is the victim. We all are looking for a purpose in our new lives. I have spent many, many days wondering what in the world I will do with the rest of myself after Dick's death. It occurs to me that I have found a niche that works for me. I enjoy the time spent with a child and find fulfillment watching that child succeed and gain a feeling of accomplishment. All things considered, this was a positive for a Tuesday.

All my friends and family are fine with no property damage. That's a good thing. I too have good memories of going to the "cave" at my Grandparents. Grandma would always open a jar of home canned peaches. That was Yummy! Spent way too much of my adult life in the basement waiting out storms. We never seemed to be prepared. Could not find flashlights and the radio NEVER had working batteries! It was fun playing monopoly by candlelight and eating popcorn if we could get it made while the electricity was still on! I like it just fine here in Colorado!

Tomorrow is my 65th Birthday. Today, it occurred to me that I am now older than Dick. It was always "our joke" that he married a MUCH younger woman. I was 4 years younger than him. Somebody started something back in Salina, and I have been receiving lots and lots of Birthday cards from friends back in Kansas. It's a bit overwhelming. I have now outlived my Mother and my husband. That whole reality makes me really sad. Tonight, I am sitting in Colorado, watching the Weather Channel as tornadoes are all around Kansas and the area where Dick and I lived for 40 years. Am worried about all our friends and family in Kansas. Do I wish I was there? NO! I hated stormy weather and Dick was always so calm and reassuring. Guess all this is just dragging up too many memories. It never ends! Anne