Anne E

Melina, you have had a tidal wave of life changes to deal with haven't you? I too am not a person who easily deals with change. I would like my life to be somewhat orderly and for changes to be singular, well spaced with time between so I can adjust and adapt. However, that is not generally how life happens. It must be so hard to have lost your spouse and now having to deal with a new job and new co-workers who do not have history with you. Understanding how it feels to be "in your place" is impossible for anyone but you. I too hate it when I am in a group of people who talk about how wonderful their life is, the fun experiences they are having with their spouse, or worse yet, when women complain and bitch about their husbands. I want to scream at them.......How Do You Think It Will Feel When You Are Alone and He Is Gone Forever????? They don't understand because they have not had to experience what YOU are experiencing. They don't know what to say or do because they haven't the horrific loss. I too hate those people who don't even attempt to understand because they are so self-absorbed. They aren't about to contemplate having their "golden world" disturbed. That's pretty insensitive given the field in which they work. I understand wanting your old life back, wanting your husband back, wanting your support system back. That feeling has never left me, but I am beginning to "accept" that awful truth. So much of what you have said, most of us have felt. Thank you for sharing. I know the only help I can be is to listen and to assure you that someone else feels the way you do and understands a bit. Anne

The second year was sheer hell for me. I would not want to go back there. The third year was strange for me. I still felt a lot of pain, but realized that it would end and I would survive to feel it again when I least expect the pain. However, I found myself having to learn to deal with anger. It was a strange anger/frustration/self-pity mix. I was not angry at God or angry at Dick because he was not here, but just in general angry at everything because I was so darn tired of having to deal with all the crap over and over and over. The realization that this would be the rest of my life was so overwhelming. As I progress through year four, I am dealing with accepting the cruel fact that I will never be able to discuss anything with Dick again. I still sit on the end of my bed and talk to his ashes in the closet, but I am accepting, that no matter how long I sit there or how long I talk, there will not be a response. It sucks! Anne

Dave, Was Cooper abused before you got him? HRH Miss Sophie was abused and neglected, almost starved to death, before she was rescued. As a result, she was extremely timid and fearful when we took her to "foster"? It took time, calm, and encouragement to allow her to experience that the world is a safe place and people are just fine to be around. It sure helped that we also had Champion when loves her and thinks she is his little daughter. She's a personality plus character now, love wins over all things!!! Good for you guys on grooming the dogs. I know it is hard work, but sounds like you two will get the hang of it and will be able to take care of that task in no time. Who needs a prissy ranch dog anyway?? Sounds like a great day! Anne

This morning, I helped with Children's Church. It's honestly not something I genuinely look forward too. There are too many kids and frankly, they get on my nerves!!! Our church is very small, and the congregation is basically old, like me! We do have probably 6 to 8 kids from 3 years of age to 4th Grade. We tend to them all in one group, as there just aren't enough volunteers to do anything else. Soooo.. I was sitting next to Little Miss Emma (4 years old.) She's adorable with blonde hair and huge blue eyes. Today her hair was up in pigtails. Really cute. We were coloring and talking, Miss Emma and I. Here's the best conversation of the morning...... Little Miss Emma: I'm writing my name, you write yours, but don't do it all wavy. (She demonstrated with fluttering hands the all wavy part.) Me: Ok. You print your name and I'll print my name next to yours. Miss Emma: (With a voice indicating she was concerned that I did not get the wavy writing thing.) Is print all wavy? Me: No! Miss Emma: (working hard, her little tongue sticking out of her mouth while she was printing her name.) I'm done, Now you write your name. Like a good soldier, I complied. Miss Emma looks the two names over carefully. Then she announces.... HEY! Look! Our names have two of the same letters......E & A! Wait for it....... She looks at me with those big blue eyes and announces....."We're twins!!!!!" Just too darn cute!

Ah, that does sound like a lovely day. Good for you!

I'm in your corner! They would be fools not to approve you, you just tell them I said so!!! Anne

Harry, Won't that be a wonder day when all these nasty things are no longer a death sentence? I pray for that day and for people like you who are working so hard to make that dream a reality. God Bless You! Anne

Thank you for the assistance and yes, it does help. Giving you an "Atta Boy" for the work you are doing in memory of your beloved wife. Dick, my husband, had a relatively rare condition also, Primary Ciliary Dyskenesia, which causes deformation, clumping or paralysis of the cilia in the body. As a result, he developed bronchiatcesis, chronic infection in his lungs. The non working cilia didn't allow his lungs to be cleared of debris, the condition is pretty similar in some ways to CF, Cystic Fibrosis, with the thickening of mucus and the inability to clear it from the lungs. The chronic infection resulted in lung reduction surgeries. loss of lung capacity and eventually the need for lung transplants. The condition is also called Kratigers, in that form, internal organs are turned around, the heart is on the left side and so on. While we were in St. Louis waiting for transplants, Dick met a young may with the Kratigers. He was the only person Dick ever met with the condition. They really enjoyed talking to each other. The man, Nate, has had two transplants and seems to be doing well right now. This condition is not found alot in the US, it seems to be more common in Nordic countries like Denmark, that is where the bulk of research on the condition is being done. The condition is easier to control with the antibiotics available now which helps lessen lung scaring and thus lung function loss. OK, way more information than you every wanted to know, but what the heck. I'm pretty passionate about taking care of lungs. Knowledge is power! Anne

WOW! That is totally awesome. I don't understand all the abbreviations, but totally get the significance! Great News! Anne

Awkward! Took the three dogs to the dog park as a reward for allowing me to watch the Kansas University Jayhawks beat UNC to advance to the FINAL FOUR of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. Mr. Peterson, the Boston Terrier owned by my son, attacked a strange dog who run up to me to say howdy. When I looked up to see the owners of the poor dog coming, I recognized them as a lovely couple from church! No blood was drawn, no dogs hurt, the other dog was much bigger than Pete, and could have cleaned his clock. Happily, they thought the whole episode was funny. Mr. Peterson, really? The nice lady told me she has a Boston as a child and that they are terribly protective of their loved ones. Pete Loves Me!

KayC.....What a terrible week! Glad to see that you have somewhat recovered and are looking forward to the kids. At the very least, they can help you keep an eye on that dog Hope things get back to "normal" quickly! Anne

Trust me! It will be months and months! I have a friend from Kansas who is coming to spend time with me this August. She is going to arrange the squares, then I will sew them together, THEN knit the border on the thing. I will try to post pictures of some of the squares for now! Thank you for the Hurrah!! Anne

When I read about all the things you all are doing, I feel like a big slacker. Haven't decided if I am just taking a very, very long time to catch the crud that is going around here or just am having a really bad allergy time. Who knows? Anyway, in spite of how crummy I feel, I have FINISHED KNITTING THE FINAL SQUARE FOR MY SAMPLER AFGHAN! It feels so good to have the squares completed. I still have some little pieces to sew on a few of the squares, but the bulk of the knitting is done. It's bitter sweet. I know Dick would be proud of me and I long to be able to show the project to him. He always looked at me with such pride in his eyes and gave me such a lovely hug when I felt good about accomplishing something. I miss that a whole, whole bunch. It's just not the same when I share the accomplishment with people. Anne

My afghan is not red and blue. It's teal, dark orange, deep purple, green, gray, dark red, brown and ivory. One can only take that scarlet and blue so far!! LOL

Here's my positive for today! KANSAS UNIVERSITY DEFEATED PURDUE IN A NAIL BITER!!! What a game! Wish Dick was here with me to watch his Alma Mater advance to the Sweet 16! (This is college basketball's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament for you strange people who weren't watching! ) He would have been over the moon. I'm sure he is celebrating in heaven with both his father and his father-in-law! Rock Chalk Jayhawks.....Go KU! Also, I have been knitting like a maniac to try to finally finish my sampler afghan and I only have 1.5 squares to complete! Pretty excited about that! I started knitting lessons one year ago in January in an attempt to do something that would get me out of the house. Now I am 1.5 squares away from completing the knitting part of my afghan! When it is completed, I will have knitted 25...12 inch squares with all kinds of knitting stitches! Pretty excited to see the light at the end of the tunnel! (I'll try to post a picture when I get it stitched together!) (Hope my KU colors show in the message!

Mary, I wish I had something to say to make things better, but we both know I don't. I wish I would make things better, but that is not possible. Please know that we are here. We understand, to the limit of our knowledge. I hope that knowing we are all thinking about you and praying for you will help support you. If it helps, please know that the support of all of the people who follow this site certainly has helped me when things looked absolutely bleak. Don't be a stranger. Let us know how you are. Take this as my supporting hug! OOO's. Love and Prayers Anne

My positive today is a new roof on the backyard garage. I moved to Colorado in the midst of my grief fog and for some reason, did not have the detached garage in the backyard covered in the house insurance???? Discovered that when we went for the annual insurance review as well as the fact that we needed to fix the roof. So today, we are fixing that problem. The dogs are upset, they have to stay in the house. Do they spend tons of time in the backyard in the winter, NO, but today their one desire is to be outside! Go Figure. Melina, I can't imagine that you would be anything but scared and emotional facing what you are facing alone. I am very proud of how you are dealing. I will be praying for you! The Westboro Baptist Church, lead by Fred Phelps, the father, is a bunch of looneys. Most of the members are his kids and their families. The Phelps Compound (where they all live) is only about 4 blocks from my brother's house in Topeka, Kansas. They have bought all of the houses in a city block and live there and have built their "church" on the property. You can tell it's the compound, because they fly a HUGE American flag upside down beneath their family flag on a huge flagpole. The privacy fence surround the property is covered with all their hateful "slogans". They believe that if you do not believe EXACTLY how they interpret the Bible, you are going to HELL. Fred is the only one who can actually interpret the Bible and he is the only one who knows "the truth" of God. My brother was in law school with Fred's oldest daughter and says she is smart as a whip and totally wacko. There is a church in Topeka that was picketed by the bunch all the time because the church held the funeral for a members gay son. Fred and his family showed up every Sunday with their disgusting signs to yell and scream at the members as they arrived for worship. Finally, the ladies of the church had enough and started going out with hot chocolate and cookies and presented them to the family without saying a word. The family couldn't stand the quiet act of love and compassion, I guess, and quit showing up. I think that is the best way to deal with people so full of hate!

Melina, It made me smile to think about you and your doggie limping around on your walk. Cute image. Several years ago, I had to have meniscus surgery. I absolutely had to have someone with me to bring me home and to provide a bit of care for the first couple of days. The doctor would not do the surgery if I didn't have someone with me. Dick dropped me off at the door and went to park the car. The nurse checking me in about had a fit when I walked in by myself and misunderstood her question and she thought I indicated I had come alone. She said if that was the case, I should just turn around and go back home, because the doctor would not touch me if I didn't have someone to take me home. I had to use crutches for three or four days following, if I remember correctly. I could not drive the car, which was automatic, for a week. My surgery was day surgery and I only had two little incisions. I hate to even think about you trying to get home by yourself. Anesthetic and pain medication is involved! Putting the dog in the kennel wouldn't bother me that much. A day or two won't hurt him. He will appreciate you so much when he comes home! That's how I look at boarding my "kids". I'm much more concerned about you! Please try to find someone to help you out. Wish I lived close, I would absolutely help! Anne

Dave! Congratulations! Have you had a Jack before? My Parsons Jack, HRH Miss Sophie, Queen of the Universe, is a total joy and aggravation! Is yours a Parsons, they have long legs. Is Cooper smooth coated, Sophie is. You will enjoy Cooper. Jacks are so smart and have such good personalities. He will quickly rule the roost! Anne

Cheryl, What a great day! I will remember to smile. Have been thinking about how long it has been since someone complimented me. It's been a long time. It's something we just don't do as a society. That lady on the phone must be really sweet. Pretty sure if I received a lovely compliment like that, I would be in tears too. I plan to pay it forward also! Thanks for sharing. Anne

My positive thus far today is that I have not totally lost my temper!!! First shot out of the bag this morning, while I was getting ready to go to Bible Study, I received a call from Blue Cross Blue Shield informing me that as of FEBRUARY 1, 2012, my health care insurance has been cancelled!!! REALLY? I found the receipt from the online payment made February 3rd and shared that information with the snotty young man, "Associate". An hour and a half later, most of that time spent on hold, it appears all is well. I spent lots of time with "Gosh, we don't know who you are and how did this happen" customer service agents in California as well as Colorado. So, I am covered through March 31, 2012, then I will be at the mercy of Medicare. At least Medicare will not cost me $593.35 a month for poor service, I hope. Needless to say, I missed Bible Study and have had a throbbing headache all day. (And they wonder why I have high blood pressure.) Now I am going to get ready to go tutor my little girls. They better not mess with me today, I Am In No Mood! Anne

Marty Today, I went to my Women's Support Group meeting and borrowed your statement. One of our members was talking about how she had been accused of being selfish because she didn't want to do something for a family member. I remembered this post and asked her to substitute the word "responsible" for "selfish" in reference to being responsible for taking care of herself. Our group had a very good discussion about responsibility for ourselves as we work our way through our grief. It was a very good discussion and your insight was very beneficial. Anne

Dear Durbin, I am so very sorry for your loss. It's terrible isn't it? There was something in your post that I found interesting. My husband, Dick, also had Bronchiectasis. He had a condition called Primary Ciliary Dyskenesia which resulted in Bronchiectasis. I think I can understand why you are not interested in Line Dancing. Some days, breathing is exercise enough isn't it? Are you on oxygen? Dick died 4 years ago from complications following double lung transplants. I agree that life is very lonely. I imagine you are tired of people telling you it takes time, but in truth, it takes time. We have to learn how to live a new life, one without our spouse. I am 64 years old, Dick and I had been married 39 years. We did everything together. It's hard to have to go on alone. I would encourage you to continue to come to this website and read what everyone has to say. It does help to know that you are not alone. Share how you are feeling. It has helped me to know that I am not unique. These people listen and care! Reading the posts of people who are farther along in this journey has given me hope and made me feel that I am not losing my mind. God Bless, Anne

Melina, I understand what you are feeling. After Dick's death, I felt the same way. I had to go to the doctor so he would order refills for my blood pressure prescription and asked him if there was something wrong with me. He asked me to accept the fact that I was emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc., exhausted. He reminded me that I had spent approximately 5 years caring for and anticipating the probability of the death of my husband. He reminded me that prior to that experience, I had dealt with the deaths of both my in-laws as well as my father's death and was basically the person who "carried that weight" because my husband was ill. He told me to expect at least a year to regain my health and to quit fighting. If I was tired...sit down. If I was sleepy...go to bed. If I lacked ambition to do something...just don't do it! (Unless the house was on fire, then I absolutely needed to get up and get out!) Would you think about what he told me? Believe if or not, he was spot on. The first year was total exhausting, lack of energy, and absolutely no ambition. The second year was better, but I was still tired alot of the time. It is exhausting to have to shoulder all the responsibility, all the decisions, all the worry, and the thought of the rest of your life. Be kind to yourself, rest and do what was so difficult for me...just be. God Bless Anne

Laney, I am so very sorry for your devastating loss. If course your grief is overwhelming and your heart is shattered. There is nothing I can say to make it better, except to tell you that I care and to the extent that I can, I understand. My husband of 39 years died 4 years ago from complications from double lung transplants. He spent 8 1/2 months in the hospital counting the time before and after transplants. I was finally able to take him to the apartment I rented in St. Louis, and was able to have him "home" for about 2 weeks. He finally seemed to be making some positive progress and we were actually thinking we might make it back to Central Kansas and home. I woke up on a Monday morning and he had died in the night. I can understand a bit of your shock, but my husband was 64 years old, we had been married 39 years, enjoyed a bit of the "empty nest" experience, and knew that the probability of him not surviving was pretty high. I have no understand of your terrific shock. Of course you and your son are angry and bewildered. This site has been a true healing place for me. These people understand my grief and know how difficult is has been for me to "move on" and accept my "new normal" life, they have all been there. Their support has in some ways saved my life. I applaud you for seeking some help and encouragement. I struggled with my grief alone for the first two years after Dick's death, which was not healthy in any way. Talk to us. Vent to us. We do care and will do what we can to support you. Peace, Anne