Anne E

There is so much in this quote that speaks to me, especially the last part of the quote. We need to understand and accept that we need to grieve until we don't have to anymore. So many of our friends and family do not understand that and do not want to allow us to grieve until we don't have to anymore. This morning in church, the pastor sang "Jesus Loves Me and Oh, How He Loves You and Me". All of a sudden, I had tears running down my cheeks. I remembered singing that song to both by Father-in-Law and my Dad as they were dying. By beloved Father-In-Law had Alzheimer's and near the end of his memory, when I was the only one he recognized, I could calm him by singing "You Are My Sunshine", it was his and my Mother-in-Laws favorite song; and Jesus Loves Me. I would stand behind his wheelchair, wrap my arms around his neck and sing. He would lay his cheek against my cheek and hold on tight to my arms. Those were sweet, sweet times. Times when I felt I could actually connect with and help him. As my Dad lay dying and I was taking the 2:00 - 4:00 am shift sitting with him, he asked me to come sit on the bed by him so he could see me better. I did that, we talked about the past and how much we loved each other. (There are four of us and I am the only girl! and always Daddy's Darling.) He told me that he often thought about the time Robert, my older brother by 1 year, 13 days, and I sang Jesus Loves me in our Grandparents church as special music. He thought we were probably 4 and 5 years old. He said he thought about us when he was laying on his cot in Vietnam, how sweet and pure his two oldest children were at that time and how much he wanted to get home to us. We sang that song together. That early morning, St. Patrick's Day, my Irish Dad died. During the process of grieving for them as well as Dick, I had forgotten both of those precious memories. It was a wonderful, sweet memory for me this morning. Priceless. Anne

Mary, This IS a Giant step. Could not be prouder of you...that you are thinking about yourself. Not what you think you ought to do, or what you need to do because no one else will step up, but what you need to do for yourself. That's so very hard to do. We hate to not be the "good one". The person to step up and be the "bigger" person. I have a very similar situation with my brothers and their families. They have not available, supportive or considerate of me before and after Dick's death. They have been very absent. The only time I hear from them or see them is when I call or I make the effort to go see them. They all tell me, if you need anything just call, but I don't that they would actually come. It's hard for us to move on, but we have to. I am so proud of you that you have moved to the point that you can see you must make those choices that are good and positive for you and Bentley. Keep talking to us as you work your way through this situation. We will listen and be supportive. Good Job Mary! Anne

Mary, Even though we know dead happens and we have suffered terrible losses, I don't think we ever become accustomed to or accepting of death. I am so very sorry for your loss and so happy you feel comfortable venting to us. God Bless, Anne

Mary, Thank you for the warm wishes. I survived the day with relative calm. However, it never ceases to surprise me when something happens that is just so very sad. Wednesday, I over-watered a plant on an end table and ended up water everywhere. I was concerned that some dripped into the drawer of the table, so I opened the drawer, noticed that it was packed full of junk and decided to sort through the stuff. I threw away some of the stuff then noticed one of those packets developed pictures come in, when I opened it and pulled out the picture, the first picture in the pile was the house we lived in for almost 40 years in Kansas. Under the packet in the drawer were three or four of the belt buckles Dick wore, his very favorite on front and center. The belt buckle is metal with raised quail on it. He wore the buckle so much that the quail figures are worn almost smooth. He loved that belt buckle. I used to tease him about how worn the thing was. It was like a punch in the stomach. So, the tears and loneliness I expected on the 25th visited me a few days later. This time, I didn't try to immediately "collect" myself, I just sat there and cried. When the "storm" was over, I dried my eyes, blew my nose, and finished the chore. Life goes on regardless, doesn't it? We are a couple of hours from Mesa Verde. It's south and west of us. Canon City is about 45 minutes SW of Colorado Springs and 30 minutes W of Pueblo on Highway 50. The Royal Gorge and river rafting are our tourist attractions, as well as the 13 state and federal prisons in the valley. We are the site of the Federal Supermax where Jeffery Dulhmer, Timothy McVey, the Tennis Shoe Bomber and other terrorists and very types were and are housed. Anne

Harry & Mary, So sorry you are dealing with the flu and related junk. Hope you recover quickly. I know it's absolutely no fun to not feel well. Baby yourself, drink lots of fluids, rest and eat chicken soup! That's all I have in the way of "grandma's illness remedies"! Anne

Mary, I'm working my way though all that "upbringing" and working toward sweat. Lately, Mr. Peterson and I have even been jogging a bit. We can jog almost half the way around the enclosure!!! Whooooo! Whooooo! Now, that has to be a sight. Mr. Peterson, the chubby, giant Boston Terrier and Grandma jogging while HRH Miss Sophie runs circles around us! Very Undignified. Mom would not totally approve, but she would get a good laugh! Anne

Melina, The very first thing that struck me is just what struck Mary. If you do not feel up to do, or it doesn't feel right.....run!!! Don't do it. Your "gut" will help you decide some situations. Also, if the realtor continues to push you, you need to find someone else. You should not in any way do what does not feel right to you. If the time for selling the house comes, you will know and will be able to make that decision, strongly and with confidence. Don't let someone push you into anything! Dick and I had been married for 39 years and dealt with his health issues to some degree all our married life. His death, while a shock, was not a total surprise. We had been told that the lung transplants were his only hope of continued life and his survival rate was not very assured. Lung transplantation is still relatively new and the complications are almost without number. I sold our home and moved to Colorado about a year after his death, but I did that because my son lived here and wanted me to be closer to him. I didn't have a job, friends had basically made themselves scarce, etc., I did not have much of a support group, so moving didn't really make that much difference to me. I realized I was going to have to make a new life for myself, so it might as well be in Colorado. You did good to trust your instincts and give this more thought. Anne

I was raised by a very thin, Southern Mother who, when approached about exercising, would explain it was very unladylike to sweat, she didn't even believe in "glowing". I have totally bought into her opinion! However, when I take the dogs to the dog park three or four times a week, I do walk the perimeter of the park at least twice, carefully avoiding any sweat! Must be a Lady at all costs! LOL The exercise does help me in almost every way I can imagine. Anne

Mandime, I am so very sorry for your terrible loss. The pain is indeed beyond belief, isn't it? Are you getting any help? Is there a support group in your community that you could participate with? I have found a Woman's Grief Support Group at our local Hospice. The group accepts me, even though we did not use Hospice. I woke up one Monday morning to find my husband dead. We were dealing with complications after his double lung transplant, he appeared to be finally making positive progress, so finding him dead was unexpected and a severe shock. Being able to talk with other women who have lost their spouse has been wonderful for me. They understand, they are not uncomfortable when I cry, they just pass the box of tissues. They listen and don't judge or expect me to "move one" and "get over it". Would you please give a support group some thought? Please keep visiting this site and share your thoughts and pain with us. We will try to understand and be supportive. Talking about your pain will help. We will listen. Anne

Thank you all for the nice comments. She's a peach and the apple of my eye! Billy, her younger brother, is a different story, but we are always hopeful he will get his ducks in a row. He and I have had a "difference of opinion" about choices he makes, so I don't hear much from him anymore. It's hard for me because I refuse to be like his mother and make excuses for him and not hold him accountable for his actions. Parenting is NO FUN, and Tracy is all about being a buddy. It's sad. I'm happy Kristina is at school and making the choice to work on her future! Anne

Harry, I will wait patiently! Anne

Thank you for the suggestions. When I get back from errand running (Ugh!) I will try again. Now, here's where the obnoxious Grandma part of me comes to the front. Isn't Kristina just the cutest? I can brag about her because she is not genetically ours. Richard, my son, was engaged to her mother, Tracy, many, many years ago. When it became evident to him that he could not marry Tracy, Dick and I had already been Grandparents to Kristina and her brother Billy for three years. We told Tracy it would be cruel to the kids and would kill Dick and me if we lost them. So...Richard and Tracy decided to become friends and we were not denied any contact with Kristina and Billy. What a mature thing for Richard and Tracy to work out! Kristina is a Freshman at Kansas University in Lawrence, Kansas. She is attending with a full ride scholarship. She is living in a scholarship hall, and taking Freshman Scholarship Courses. Her first semester GPA was 4.0. The child has NEVER earned less than an A in any class - all the way through Primary, Middle and High School. She is a loving, people oriented, sweet child. She loves Penguins, Dr. Who and Harry Potter. College is like Disneyland. She is so excited about all she is learning, seeing and experiencing. Live is beyond wonderful to her. Kristina was her Grandpa Dick's beloved child. They were incredibly close and had a tight bond the first time they laid eyes on each other. Those two would sit and read road maps together! Seemed strange to me. Kristina and I share the loss of her Grandpa. He would be so very proud of what she is accomplishing. Anne

OK, I am not even close to being computer literate, but one would think that I could actually cause a picture to be seen on my profile. Nope! Not happening. I just don't understand! I finally can change my profile picture on Facebook, but this site tells me all my pictures are too large, even the ones I crop down to like wallet size. What in the world am I doing wrong? I love seeing what you all look like and thought I would return the favor. HELP!!!!! OK, I tried attachments. We'll see what that does! Anne The attached picture is our "adopted" Granddaughter and ME!

Harry, I want to see a picture of this bedroom when you are finished! Dick was the artist and interior decorator in our home. His education was in art and design; he was a partner in a tire store and sold auto, farm and truck tires for over 30 years, but his love was art and design. I have struggled to get things in this house the way we want them. Richard has his father's artistic ability and is really good with advise!!! Hope you are as proud of your accomplishment as we are!! Anne

Mary, OD FOR YOU!!!!! I know this is a huge step. Just deciding to make a commitment to ANYTHING is a big step for us. I could not be prouder of you. Bentley looks like just exactly the dog I would want to come and comfort me in the hospital and cheer me up. I think you plan to start socializing him is a good one. When I moved to Colorado from Kansas, my dogs, especially HRH Miss Sophie, were not used to being around people and were a bit timid. You sure can't tell that now. It's amazing how quickly they adapt. Now, if we have not been to the Dog Park for a few days, they start bugging me until we go. Bentley will thrive having some work to do. Bill would be so very proud of you!!! Now, we all will be waiting to hear progress reports. Great Job!!! Anne

I'm sitting here enjoying a glass of wine before I head for bed. Tomorrow will be the fourth year without my other half, very best friend and only person in the world who actually "got me" and loved me regardless. Tonight, I'm kinda blue, but that's to be expected. I am proud of how far I have come in these four years and hope that I will continue to accept and embrace my new normal life. Tomorrow, my plan is to take the dogs to the dog park and enjoy walking around with them. I plan to laugh at their silliness. I WILL spend the day thinking about Dick, I think I will get the picture albums out and "relive" our wonderful life. I think I will dust the pictures he drew that are hanging on the walls and try to actually look deeply at each one of them. He was such a wonderful artist (mostly pen and ink or pencil as well as Native American Beading and photography.) I know there will be tears, but I will not be blindsided by them. Today, I found a file containing copies of the emails I sent to friends and family while he/we were in the hospital in St. Louis for the 8 1/2 months before and after the lung transplants. I read a few of them, but finally put them back in the file, and back in the box. One of these days, I am going to be able to read them all and think back on what a journey it was. I want the life we had together back but have accepted the cruel fact it will never be. I have vowed to move forward with the courage Dick would wish for me. Thank you all for always listening to me and not judging. I REALLY appreciate the support and encouragement these past years. Wish that I could meet you all in person and tell you what you have meant to me and how you have encouraged me to grow! Anne

Melina, I don't think that any of us will be as notable as say, Mother Theresa, but I truly believe that we are capable of noble deeds and a life with a calling. Melina, that you got up this morning is, in my opinion, noble. It is noble that you have not given up. Thinking about what the rest of your life will look like is a calling. You want your life to matter and to change the world a bit. That is a true, blessed calling. Giving thought to getting past grief and attempting to make the world a better place and a place where you can at last feel confident and comfortable, is a calling that is commendable. "I had a couple of friends tell me that my grief has turned into something pathological if I'm still have such huge waves of despair." I wonder if these friends have suffered such a loss. It has been my experience when I have been given similar opinions, the person has not experiences anything close to my experience and loss. It's easy to sit on the bench and have all the answers. Being in the thick of the battle, is a whole different thing. I believe you can only understand what you have experienced. I usually respond to such comments with a smile and walk away. I don't need someone judging me and making me second guess myself. Dick has been gone 4 years tomorrow. Recently, I have been dealing with a health issue that is frightening to me. I MISS Dick. I want him to go to the doctor with me, I want to talk about the issue with him, I want him to tell me I'm going to be OK and that he will be there to take care of me and help me. I want him to wrap his arms around me and let me cry on his shoulder. I guess your friends would inform me that I my grief is pathological too and that I should be able to deal with things by myself. I have chosen to lean on my son and a couple of close friends who have lost their spouse and understand. I know this is what my new normal will look like and I am becoming alright with that thought. My new calling and noble needs are related to helping others. The two little girls I work with through the tutoring program where I volunteer, help me see that I do have something to offer. I have love that I can share, and find that the little girls really like me and look forward to spending time with me. This is not a huge effort on my part, and there will never be parades in my honor but I do look forward to going twice a week and seeing the smiles of Lexus and Haylee when the walk in the door. That is reward enough. Dick would be so pleased! End of sermon. Melina, you are a special, thoughtful, precious person, working hard through a horrible time. Don't forget that you are valued and I care about you!! Anne

Here's my positive for todayI have slept for over five hours a night for the last three nights. I have enjoyed a glass of wine before going to bed each night. I'm not going to say my sleeping problem is solved, but I sure do feel good this morning. It's the first time I have felt rested in a very, very long time. .

Congratulations! How exciting. Anne

Heavy Sign!!! Here's my positive today!!!! I am turning 65 April 15th. With the anticipation of this birthday has come the decision to be made about Medicare. It is almost impossible for me to tell you have much I have been looking forward to Medicare. Since moving to Colorado, I have been paying from $450.00 to the current $579.00 a month for Health Insurance with $5,000 deductible!!! My medical expenses for 2011 were over $14,000. Thank the good Lord I am a very healthy person whose only health problem is high blood pressure. Today I met with a person, figured out all the Supplemental plans for Medicare. The decisions have been made, papers signed, no more stressing about Medicare. This has been a really, really good day!!! Anne

Dick has been gone for almost 4 years. The first two years about killed me. I could barely function. Despair and sadness would hit me like a tidal wave and almost take me to my knees. I could barely remember my name and had to write everything on a list....almost listing to go to the bathroom? I would lay awake at night until I just could not do that any more and then get up and pace the living room. I would actually IRON. I hate to iron, but I would put up the ironing board and iron, it did make the time pass in the middle of the night. I was totally pathetic. I hated to leave the house because I would have to come back into that empty building and feel the loneliness hit me like a brick wall. The dogs would run to greet me, the run to the door looking for "their Dad". Then run back to me and bark like they were saying Where is he??? What have you done with him??? It broke my heart every single time and I would just stand there and cry. Moving to Colorado was probably a good thing for me. I left the house and the memories of Dick in that house back in Kansas. The dogs seems to be happier away from the memories too. Evenings are still hard for me. Dick and I both worked in the public and dealt with people all day long. When we came home from work, we just wanted to spend time together; watching TV, working in the yard, going for a drive, etc. Now, I spend time alone. I have finally, after almost three years, been able to start a hobby (knitting) and am finding some volunteer activities that help take up time. I do not expect to never be lonely again and to never miss Dick. That said, I will remind you that it has been 4 years. The first two years were sheer hell. There is no way to sugar coat that fact. I just had to grit my teeth and keep on taking one step at a time, stumble backward and try again. I think we all have to find those things that help us individually. Time, in my case, has not cured all things, but it has made me realize that pain is going to happen; I have survived the pain and it will not kill me. I will survive the pain again and again and again. Anne

Mary, What a nice painting. You are doing good work girl. Keep up the effort. Anne

My happiness today was after Bible Study this morning. A gentleman in the group asked me where I was "from", or rather where my hometown is. I answered that I really don't have a hometown. I was raised an Air Force Brat, so I grew up all over. This comment lead to talking about my Dad, his career and stuff like that. Turns out this gentleman was in Vietnam a year after my Dad. It was fun to discuss stuff that only military related people understand. My dad died 11 months before Dick's death. I was a total Daddy's girl. He wanted girls and got three boys and me. I really, really miss my dad. It seems that I have clumped their deaths together and sometimes have trouble dealing with the losses. It was nice to talk about him for a while. Anne

Good for you Melina!!! I am an avid Birder and would have loved to see that owl. How exciting. I applaud your willingness to try a new path. Not freaking out when you realized you were "taking that path less traveled" (that's what Dick called being lost) and the gift of the visit with the owl. Definitely a Joy Experience. Small Steps. Anne

Melina, I think getting the sewing machine out is a totally positive thing. You don't have to sew, just getting the machine out takes lots of effort and in my book would qualify as positive. I have to work my way to joyful. I started with something positive, even if it was that I took a shower! Little steps!