Anne E

mfh, So very sorry for your loss. There is nothing like a "holiday" shared with love and joy with our loved ones to increase the sadness and misery. Just making it through the day is a good thing. I am so sorry you were preached to by someone you thought understood. Those platitude he's better off, he's in a better place, he's at peace now, he's in heaven having a great time, etc., etc., in my opinion are just mean and serve no real purpose. It always just increases my pain. Know that we try to understand. No one can truly understand another's pain, but I know my pain and it sucks. I feel privileged to listen and that you trust us to hold you gently. God Bless, Anne

I don't understand why family and friends assume losing your spouse is like losing a favorite sweater which I should be anxious to go out and replace??? I don't get it. Dick was my soul mate and my first, only and greatest love. We were together for 40 years and I am supposed to cast him aside like a worn out pair of shoes and replace him? Really??? Dick has been gone from me for three years and there are days when it seems like yesterday. Because they have not lost their spouse, there is no way they can understand and I for the life of me can't figure out why they feel the statements, "Are you dating yet?" "Have you found another man?" are acceptable or comforting. I used to just try to smile and shake my head because I did not want to embarrass them or make them feel bad, but now I just don't care how they feel. I answer, "Are you kidding? Really, are you kidding? That's the very last thing that interests me right now and I don't want you to ask me that again, ever! Even if you are joking or trying to make me feel better. I will never feel totally better and questions like those do not make me feel better." Since Dick's death, I have lost over 50 pounds. I made the decision to take care of myself to honor him. I DID NOT LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE I AM ON THE PROWL FOR A MAN!!! There is no way in the world someone who has not lost their spouse and decided to take care of them self would be asked if they were looking for a man. It's rude and not very thoughtful or comforting. Can you tell those comments make me a bit crazed? God Bless and Comfort you. Anne

How wonderful for you and your son to be together again. I so appreciate the service your son gave for our country. From experience, I have learned sharing your grief with loved ones is beneficial for all. By trying to shelter my son from the knowledge of the depths of my grief, I have not allowed him to share his grief with me. As a result, until recently, neither of us has been able to really look at our grief and begin to work our way out of the pit. My son told me he finds it easier to "deal" with me now that he has an idea of the depths of my pain. The same is true for my dealing with him. I believe it is an example of our love for each other that we share our grief. God Bless you both and totally enjoy having that boy safely home. Anne

It's so interesting that you barely remember the first six months after your husband's death. I barely remember that first few months either. I think the thing that I realized a few weeks ago is that I have almost no memory of the memorial service for Dick. A friend emailed me asking for scripture and the title of one of the songs we used. I was not able to provide that information and had no desire to dig through stuff to try to find it. A year ago, I would have felt badly about that, but now, I just feel, that's the way it is. I'm not really interested in going there and reliving that at this time. Don't like it? Talk to someone else! I too move much slower through life and am so much more selective about what I will and will not do. I am much more thoughtful about whether I am doing things for me or because I think it's what someone wants or expects me to do. I work very hard on being kind to myself. I believe that's a must. Finding this new normal is challenging work. Anne

So, today is my 64th birthday. I'm feeling blue. Dick always made my birthday a fun day. Always little jokes about how he was a "cradle robber". He was all of 4 years older than me. He always made me feel special. I MISS that. I have decided that I will focus on past birthdays and just get through the day. My son had planned a nice day to share with me, but my face is all broken out with little red, extremely itchy bumps. The doctor says they are an allergic reaction to something in the yard. THEY ITCH! Have had a steroid shot and am just waiting for it to kick in. Mean while, I am taking pednison and am never far from the ice pack. We have postpone the birthday celebration to another day. To quote Roseanne Roseannadana, "It's always something"!! Anne

After crying, I go outside with the dogs and throw the ball and stuff for them. It relaxes me to watch them play with each other and come to me for a word of praise and a pat. I try to remember the good times shared with my husband and to be thankful for that long, long list. Anne

Gosh, just love how you read my mind and have never met me. I love the idea of the coffee meeting between group meetings. I think I will attend for a couple of months, then ask the women I feel the most comfortable with if they would like to meet. What a great idea. I too never thought I would appreciate counseling or a support group. I learned that a support groups is "life saving" when Dick had been in the hospital for weeks and weeks and was invited to attend the lung transplant support group that met at the hospital, right down the hall from Dick's room. It was a total life saver. That is where I learned that is it not a Mortal Sin to be weak and out of control. Unfortunately, I managed to forget that after I woke up to find Dick lying dead by my side! It is such a good thing to at last be finding some solid ground again. See, this group has already broadened my thinking! Anne

I totally agree about the length of time between meetings. It would be nice if the group could meet more often. I am also getting individual counseling which I will now schedule between the grief group meetings. I think that will help. I have never thought about a "co-ed" group but think your opinion is really interesting. I guess my first knee jerk reaction would be that I don't want men to see me weepy. There goes my pride and vanity again!!! Dick was always so distressed if I broke out in tears. It is helpful to see and hear others share their pain. It made me feel less alone and like I'm a part of a group working to be strong and healthy. Anne

After being invited by the secretary at the church many, many times, I finally broke down and went with her to a Widow Support Group sponsored by the local Hospice group. Let me first say that I have been extremely reluctant to in my words "go to a group of little old ladies all crying about missing their husbands". I imagine this is just another of the numerous ways I have been deep in denial. This group meets once a month over the lunch hour for about 2 hours. Everyone brings something to share and a meal is shared. The leader of the group is a new acquaintance I have met at church, a very, very empathetic woman about my age. Her husband died about a year or so before Dick died. She recently has retired and therefore has been at daytime things I attend at church. We have been kinda drawn to each other. I must report that I must have been out of my cotton pickin mind not to attend earlier. The meeting was very low key. Because there were two new people in attendance, they went around the table and asked everyone to say why they were attending. The kleenex box was passed to the next person when it was her turn!! The session was not all tears, there was quite a bit of laughter as we talked about ourselves and how we see and feel things, how we react to situations and how "crazy" we can tend to act. It was very, very good for me to see that almost half of the ladies there lost their husbands in February, 2008! That's the exact month and year of Dick's death. February was not a good month in 2008! Not only that, but the other ladies were in as much pain as I still am. It was affirming for me to see that I am not taking this little stroll through my new life alone with bruised emotions. So, I guess I am writing this because I want you to GO if you have been invited!!! Then report to us about what you thought. I definitely think I will go back next month. Anne

You know what? I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about the first year or so after Dick's death. I have come to several huge conclusions! I honestly believe I spent way too much time trying to "keep the stiffer upper lip". I believe I spent way too much time racing home so I could cry where no one would see me and feel bad. Way too much time was spent on my part, being afraid that people would pity me. I believe I spent way too much time trying act like nothing terrible, life changing and mind numbing had just happened to me. I believe I really ended up hurting myself emotionally because I just lived in denial and so very, very angry. In retrospect, I should have been kinder to myself and just grieved. Just let people know that I was in terrible pain and I don't really care if they pitied me or car it made others uncomfortable to see me unhappy. Don't ever hesitate to vent. I know bottling up and stuffing down my feelings has not been healthy for me. If you post on here and vent, I will read your venting and answer "You Go Sista!!!" Anne

Carolyn, It's only been 67 days and you are quite naturally a mess. There is no way you should make such a huge decision at this time. Please give yourself sometime. For almost the first year after Dick's death, I made very little sense. My mind raced in total chaos most of the time. I honestly felt like I was having a stroke, or nervous breakdown, or psychotic break, or was totally losing my mind most of the time. I think it's to be expected. I did move 9 months after Dick's death. I sold our little bungalow in Kansas and moved to Colorado. We have one child, a son, and I moved to be close to him. We have very little extended family and I just needed to be close to my son who cared and worried about me. He had been begging me to do so. I can't say that I am totally happy living here, but I would not be totally happy living anywhere without Dick. At least, I am not the "poor young widow", as I was considered in Kansas. Give yourself sometime. Find a trusted friend, minister, counselor, someone to talk to before you make any big decisions. Take some deep breaths. I think in the midst of all this, we forget to just breathe! With care and concern, Anne

Recently, I have started, with the encouragement of my grief counselor, to "celebrate" survival, not matter how small. One thing I have come to realize is that it's much easier to think about how miserable I am than it is to celebrate good moments or sweet thoughts. Anne

I like that quote. Me too! I make it till death do us part! I feel blessed and thankful that I have that!!! Anne

Just got back from my session with the grief counselor. Last week she gave the the assignment to list everything I miss about Dick. I stalled and stalled with the assignment and finally took out a piece of paper, sat it and a pencil by my chair and added to the list as the days and nights passed. The result was a very, very long list. It was painful to accomplish the task, but was therapeutic to write down those thoughts that pass through my mind like a loop recording. I think maybe it was like "owning it" to see something written in black and white. My counselor asked me to read the list if it was not too painful. LOL So, tissue in hand, I read the list and explained some of the items to her. She and I had a good cry and laugh. It was a truly a healing moment. If you have been dealing with those thoughts of loss, maybe it would be a helpful exercise. I have saved the list and put it in my journal. I'm not very good at journaling, but it has been helpful for me to write down what I am feeling when I am having my hardest days. Also wanted to share with you that I think I have had a bit of a breakthrough with my feelings of not being worth much since I no longer had Dick to take care of and don't seem to see much purpose in my life. For this school year, I volunteered to tutor a darling little second grade girl, Lexus, through a reading program sponsored by my church. Lexus and I meet twice a week and work on her reading and comprehension. Lexus feels very badly about her reading problems and the teasing her classmate give her. We have been working not only on reading, but also on believing in ourselves and building confidence that we can do things and that we are capable, no matter what anyone says. Last Thursday, Lexus ran across the room so excited that she could barely stand herself. She breathlessly told me that she had completed ALL the AP reading (whatever that is) at school and would be one of the students who earned the reward of a movie. She was going to get to go to the THEATER (a first for her), have popcorn and see the new Easter Bunny movie. She was so excited and so very proud. I could barely stand it! I jumped up and hugged her, tears of joy running down my face. What a totally wonderful moment. Later, it dawned on me that she was not the only one who was working on believing in herself, realizing that she could do things and building her confidence. I realized that I had accomplished much more than Lexus. I felt the same joy, because I saw that I too had accomplished great things! What a great moment! I felt myself taking a step up out of the abyss of grief I have been living in. Pretty great stuff! Anne

Good for you! I have tried to garden since I moved to Colorado. Dick was so into his garden. He just loved the time he spent digging in the dirt. I was usually right by his side, accepting his corrective instruction! LOL I do not find the same joy any longer. I was out yesterday pulling weeds out of the herb garden and finally just gave up. It's way to dry here in the high desert of Colorado. I need to water a bit then try weeding. I think I am only going to deal with the herb garden this summer and maybe a few -- very few -- tomato plants. Maybe little bits at a time will work better for me. I too, just yank weeds and cry. I grab and yank like I'm pulling the hair of an enemy. That enemy being loneliness and my loss. It is therapeutic!!! Anne

Congratulations! Those first steps are so very hard and you took a big one! It's been three years, and I still talk to Dick. I imagine I will always do that, my thought is that if it makes me feel good, it can't hurt! God Bless. Anne

Dick's ashes are sitting in a sack inside a black plastic box on the shelf in my bedroom closet. Dick and I agreed that we both wanted to be cremated and when the remaining one of us dies, our son is to mix our ashes and scatter them in a place of his choosing. We have placed the stipulation that he can't "flush" us, pour us down the garbage disposal or throw us away with the garbage. We don't want to end up in the landfill! When I am having a very bad day and just need to talk to him, I go in my bedroom, open the closet door sit on the end of the bed and just talk, whine, yell, cry, whatever. It is comforting for me. The first time I did it, our son was rather freaked out. Now he knows what's going on and just let's it happen. I don't' think there is any great rush to make a decision. I think you just need to allow time to pass. The right decision will come to you when the time is right and you will feel peace and comfort about your decision. God Bless You! Anne

Syl, I understand what you mean. I used to so enjoy spending time with my husband. We didn't really do all that much and mostly just relaxed and refueled for the coming week. Now I just want the week end and the loneliness to be over. I have been volunteering at the church for almost 2 years now and am getting to know people. I don't understand why these people never ask me to join their little groups. I ask about the group, say the Secret Sister and am told repeatedly they will get the information to me, but nothing happens. Another thing I don't understand is why other single women don't invite me to join them, say for lunch after church? They say to each other, right in front of me, are you going to book group on Friday? Does it never dawn on them to invite me? It's hard, I guess being new in a smaller town where relationships are already established is difficult. These same women will ask me questions about how I am coping and I try always to tell them that it is hard and I get lonely. They sympathetically share their heads and make that tusk, tusk sound. I suppose I should speak up and say, "May I come too?" But it sounds so pathetic and I just can't make myself beg. Because I have decided to just say NO to some volunteer work I don't really want to do like teach children's Sunday school, sponsor the youth group, guess they have decided I am selective about what I will do or something, I don't know. I do know that even when you get out there and volunteer and force yourself to join in, it doesn't always result in being included. I just don't get it. It's like it's terrific if I come and help, but they are not willing to include me. Does that make sense? Here's the latest thing that really hurt! I played in the Handbell Choir for almost 30 years at the church in Kansas Dick and I attended. I KNOW how to play handbells. When I moved here, I saw there was a handbell choir and asked if they ever needed more players. They said they would be thrilled to have me play with them. So, I joined and started playing with them. Then, I needed to be gone for a few weeks to go back to Kansas and help care for an elderly Aunt. I was gone for about three weeks. They knew I was going to be gone and were aware that I would be coming back. When I came back, the bells I played had been give to another person who had never even played handbells before and there were no bells for me to play. I go to practice now, sit on a chair and watch and fill in for late people, absent people, whatever, but as soon as that person showes up, I am sitting on the chair again. It really hurts my feelings. It's like I don't matter, like I have no worth. That doesn't help my feeling like the ugly red-headed step child. I am not a pushy person, so it is hard for me to even think about standing up and saying, "What's wrong with me? Why don't you include me? What am I doing wrong? Don't you see that I am dying here? Honestly, I am getting better, I don't cry ALL the time anymore! I don't want to do thing by myself! I want some company! I Shower and brush my teeth! I am a Child of God,too! Honestly, I am a really nice person. I am kind to children, even if I don't want to teach Children's Sunday School! I love animals. I have a good sense of humor. I have been told I look and act younger than my 63, almost 64, years. I Want A Friend or Two! It seems like life is an exclusive club that does not welcome new widowed people. It is as hard for a man? I wonder. Anne

OUCH! I can't imagine how you must feel. I have been alone for three years and am actually still kinda hurt when I am asked that question. I about die when lovely people who know someone who is "almost" divorced (my absolute favorite option for a male) say I would be the "perfect" date. I tell them Thank you, but I doubt that I will ever be interested in another man. The one I had and still love with all my heart was perfect. You know, the other part of that is I can't imagine going though this loneliness, pain, heartbreak, etc., again. Dick was ill for 5 years and the 6th year spent almost 9 months in some level of intensive care in a hospital 500 miles away from home. I just can't imagine doing that again. I can't imagine surviving the drama. It's still so raw some days. Think the best thing to tell everyone is that at this point no one can make me happy and please allow me the space to work my way through this portion of my life. Anne

Yesterday I got an email from a person I know only via email. Her husband and mine have/had lung disease and both received lung transplants. Arlene and I were/are the primary careprovider/support person for our husbands. Arlene's husband is in chronic acute rejection and the prospect of him getting another transplant is not good. This is a very hard, scary time for her and reminds me so much of the time prior to Dick's death. Arlene was sharing with me that she feels she is grieving the loss of her husband while he is still alive. It reminded me of when Dick was so ill and was not making much progress,we feared he would not ever regain enough strength to be even close to what was normal for him prior to the decline of his health. We decided that we were grieving the men they used to be. I think hearing from her and her fear and pain has made me feel all that again. Sorta three steps forward and one step back. Arlene wrote about her fear of her husband dying and for her future "after her husband dies". She has no idea what she will do and is terrified. Our careprovider duties filled our time, our fear and anxiety over what is going to happen next crowded out everything else, we were totally immersed and consumed with saving the love of our lives. I had a job and carried our health insurance. While Dick was in the hospital and we were away from home, the new president of the company I worked for restructured and eliminated my job of 14 years. I graphically remember returning home after Dick's death, waking up in the morning, walking into our living room and looking around like a lost child. I had nothing, no one to care for and fuss over, no meals to make, no medication to supervise, no appointments to make, no job, nothing. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. Dick and I have one child, Richard. about 18 months ago, I moved to Colorado to be closer to him. I think the move in some ways has been good for me. I have the opportunity to "start over" in a place that isn't full of memories of our life together. It is just so darn hard for me to get out do things by myself. I am taking small steps, have joined a church and am slowly getting involved. I appreciate hearing your thoughts on the process. My grief counselor tells me slow and steady wins the race and that the key is to stay in the race. So, that's my plan.

I lost my beloved husband of almost 40 years three years ago, February 27th. When does the emotional roller coaster stop? I understand from the grief counselor, reading and talking to other people who have lost spouses that each persons grief process is different, but I kinda feel like I'm not "moving on". Any thoughts? I'd appreciate any input. Anne