Anne E

Melina, Finding joy has not come easy to me. My loss is almost 4 years old. I have struggled with grief and depression. I think, because I forced myself every single day, to look for some joy and write it on my calendar, I have developed a habit that is actually good for me. There are still days that challenge me to find something. I did not mean to give the impression that joy is easily found. Anne

Actually, I live in Canon City, Colorado...we are noted for the Royal Gorge, river rafting and the valley with 13 prisons; one of which is the Federal Supermax Prison where such notables as Jeffery Dulmer, Timothy McVey, and the Tennis Shoe Bomber have been or are residents. It's high desert here and the weather is very moderate. We don't get the extremes of Kansas, which I don't miss at all. However, it's very dry here and I have had some adjustment issues. Have to lotion up, use tons of lip gloss, etc. I have lived here almost 3 years. Before Dick's death, we lived in Salina, Kansas all our married life. I moved to Colorado to be closer to our son. It's been harder than I expected to "get established" in a new area. I think part of the reason is that I am older (65 in April), retired and in this smaller town, people don't seem to be as open to including someone new. It's kinda strange since most of the people here are transplants from somewhere else. However, one good thing is that no one here knew Dick and I as a couple and I don't have to deal with "pity"l stuff. Dick's illness, transplant surgery and resulting complications were pretty terrible. His death was sudden and a true shock and I became the poor, pitiful widow. I really needed to get away from that and the memories of our life together there. Dick and I have a time share and we used to love to go to North West Arkansas to a place....Holiday Resort... between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was great to just hang out and DO NOTHING! It was up near Bull Shoals, I think. Great memories. Anne

Queen Mary, Where do you live in Arkansas? My dear ol' Dad was in the Air Force. He was a pilot on B52's and we were stationed in Blythville. Way back in the mid 60's. My in-laws also owned property in Bella Vista. We vacationed there often. Very fond memories!!

I found this article in a journal I kept the first year after Dick's death. It still speaks to me. Anne Adolfo Quezada, from the Tucson, Arizona Daily Star MY OLD FRIEND, GRIEF, is back. He comes to visit me once in a while just to remind me that I am still a broken person. Surely there has been much healing since my son died six years ago, and surely I have adjusted to a world without him by now. But the truth is,... we never completely heal, we never totally adjust to the loss of a major love. We will be all right, but we will never be the same. And so my old friend Grief drops in to say hello. Sometimes he enters through the door of my memory. Sometimes he sneaks up on me. I'll hear a certain song, smell a certain fragrance, or look at a certain picture, and I'll remember how it used to be. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face, sometimes a tear. Some may say that such remembering is not healthy, that we ought not to dwell on thoughts that make us sad. Yet, the opposite is true. Grief revisited is grief acknowledged, and grief confronted is grief resolved. But if grief is resolved, why do we still feel a deep sense of loss at anniversaries and holidays, and even when we least expect it? Why do we feel a lump in the throat, even six years after the loss? It is because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don't take part of the deceased with us. My old friend Grief doesn't get in the way of my living. He just wants to drop by and chat sometimes. In fact, Grief has taught me, over the years, that if I try to deny the reality of a major loss in my life, I end up having to deny life altogether. He has taught me that although the pain of loss is great, I must confront it and experience it fully or else risk emotional paralysis. Old Grief has also taught me that I can survive even great losses and that although my world is very different after a major loss, it is still my world and life is worth living. He has taught me that when I am willing to be pruned by the losses that come, I can flourish again in season, not in spite of loss, but because of it. My old friend, Grief, has taught me that the loss of a loved one does not mean the loss of love, for love is stronger than separation and longer than the permanence of death.

Bless your heart! I wish I was close to you and could just wrap my arms around you. You are awful young to have to shoulder all this responsibility. Shame on your Aunts and Uncles. Since I'm a city type gal, I honestly can not actually understand the magnitude of what you are faced with, but I am sharp enough to know it tons and tons of responsibility. I think that you are organizing things and renting it out, sounds like a good plan. You are so wise to realize you can't do it all yourself, no point in letting it all weigh you down to nothing. I pray that there will be a light at the end of your tunnel. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. Anne

OK, lets talk strategies for coping with depression. Here are somethings I DON'T do anymore and why: 1. Drink glasses and glassed of wine or beer. It gives me a killer headache, makes me sick to my stomach and was getting expensive!!! (I don't like cheap wine or domestic beer!) 2. Eat everything I can get my hands on!!! This particular coping mechanism caused me to gain 50 pounds which were a killer to take off. I'm not interested in going there again!!! 2. Sit in my chair listening to sad "break up" type music. You all know what that does to you. Sigh! 3. Refuse to get out of bed. This generally results in a back ache and confuses the dogs. 4. Use non-productive "self talk". It's just self defeating! Here are some things I do to fight depression and why: 1. Take the dogs to the dog park. Their excitement is contagious. (Pete, the Boston Terrier, whines and yips all the way to the park.) We usually meet other dogs and dog loving people there. It is nice to discuss the silliness of your pets and watch the dogs run around with pure love of life. 2. Listen to upbeat music and, if no one is around to witness, dance around the room. 3. Look at pictures of Dick and I having a good time together. Remembering the best times, is really very therapeutic for me. Remembering how we laughed and teased each other. 4. I am blessed with a best friend of almost 40 years. We both have lost our beloved husbands. I call her, tell her I am miserable!!! She will talk with me, listen to me, then after I have vented to the point of illness,she will tell me to pull up my big girl panties and soldier on. (I do the same for her.) 5. Do something for someone else. I am a volunteer reading tutor for two little girls. We meet twice a week. After spending an hour with each of the girls, it's hard for me to be too depressed. Lexus, 8 years old, and Haylee, 11 years old, are a joy to be with. They both usually come full of tales of things at school and full of silliness. 6. Occupy my hands and mind with knitting. I love to knit socks. 7. If I am angry, I pound on the piano for a while. I'm not a great pianist, but I am LOUD! 8. If I need to I CRY! My favorite crying place is in the shower. I stand in there and cry my eyes out!!!!! It's private, and the salty tears don't just sit on my cheeks and burn! I do my best crying in the middle of the night in the shower. Most of the time, the crying fit will make me so tired, I will actually go to sleep when I go back to bed. 9. I look for JOY every single day. At first, I had to really, really look to find something joyful. The person who suggested that I look for joy every day, told me to write what I found joyful on my daily calendar each day. I no longer need to do that, but the practice did help me "stay the course" and work at finding joy. Yesterday, my joy moment was when I was in the car and saw a field full of Mamma and baby goats. The little babies were stark white! It was a wonderful sight. 10. Count my blessing! I know that sounds trite, but it does help me. I need to use "Kinder" talk with myself and to think about the positive things in my life. I try to think of the things that would make Dick proud of me. He would never be proud of me if I just gave up. He NEVER gave up! That's all I can think of right now. How about you? Care to add??? Anne

Melina, Grief is individual. There is no "how to" book or timeline. We each have to work our way out of our grief. My journey, will never be your journey, nor will yours be mine. I am an extrovert, my husband was an introvert. We were the happiest together. Being without him is difficult. However, being with a bunch of people is not an answer either for me, the extrovert. Most of the time, I don't feel like being social! It is not much fun without Dick. When other people who have not suffered MY loss tell me how to cope, I find is very annoying. I wonder why people won't just let me blunder my way through to my new normal. In the grand scheme of things, 18 months is not all that long. You are still hurting, raw and overwhelmed. Take your time, stop worrying about how you are not "measuring up" to others expectations. Just try to deal with things one at a time, one day at a time. A member of the Hospice Women's Grief Group I attend told me not shut myself away from joy. Every day, I look for joy in something. At first, it was a JOB!!!! I forced myself to find something joyful and write it on my calendar. (Usually it was something silly or wonderful that one of the dogs did, or a beautiful flower, etc.) I think trying to develop the expectation of joy has been good for me. Dick has been gone 4 years this month. Lots and lots of days are OK now, but I still have days of misery. It's part of the journey. Be kind to yourself. Anne

Queenie! You just vent away and feel as sorry for yourself as you care to!!! Everyone here has certainly listened to me feel sorry for myself many, many times. If we can't do that here, I think we would be in big trouble! Your comments are not a downer. We have all been there and know it's just part of what our lives are now. We all wish comfort and peace for each other. I am so sorry you hurt yourself. Bummer. It's so easy for us to have accidents when our minds are so cluttered with other stuff. Having to deal with your injuries by yourself is hard. Hope you heal quickly and are not in pain. I hate it when I fall and hurt myself. Don't care much for pain! Dick's wasn't the greatest nurse in the world either. For some reason, he acted almost mad if I was sick. He told me he couldn't stand the thought of me "not being me". It scared him to think about me not being around. Pretty sweet. We have not had much of a winter here in South Central Colorado. I am not looking forward to an early Spring either. I prefer shorter cooler days, not a summer person. Dick hated the cold and was a total summer person. We were such opposites. It's a wonder we had such a good marriage for 39 years. I was interested in your comments about sleeping pills and anti-depressants. I used both before and after Dick's death. I no longer use either. While the depression is no longer an ongoing problem (I do still have spells of depression that don't last long enough to require medication), I have learned some coping strategies that help me with depression. However, sleeping remains a chronic problem. I use over the counter herbal supplements. Usually, I get 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night, then I will be so tired I will actually get a good night sleep. I am grateful I don't have to get up and go to a job! I would appreciate any suggestions or tips for things you have found helpful. I think it's wonderful we have a safe, supportive place to come and vent and feel sorry for ourselves. Don't know what I would do without all of you!!!

I totally agree with widower and Marty. We all grieve how we grieve. In my simple view, you are totally up to your eyeballs with really horrible situations. You can't help but be overwhelmed. That you can hold it together and deal with everything is wonderful. I bet you are one exhausted lady by the end of the day. Please try to be gentle with yourself. That you can deal from day to day, is a tribute to you. Like Marty, I think it would be good for you to find someone to talk to for a while. I have found a women's survivors group at the local Hospice a wonderful source of understanding and support. I wonder if there is one in your area? Thank you for sharing with us. Please continue to keep in touch so we know how you are doing. Anne

Mary, Thank you so much for sharing Walking with the Bereaved. Today, my Women's Support Group met. I took copies and shared with the girls. Our program is generally going around the table and discussing what's going on with each of us. Today, we spent quite a bit of time discussing the statements that spoke to us. It was really helpful to hear from everyone. One of the girls who usually does not have much to say, had quite a bit to say about several of the statements. It was a really good session. Thank you for being there, even though you didn't know you were! Anne

Wouldn't you just love to know what goes through people's minds? I have three brothers, three sister's in law, and nieces and nephews. However, I rarely hear from anyone. My husband has been gone for 4 years this month and two or my brothers didn't even bother to come to the funeral. Our father died 11 months prior to my husband's death, that was the last time I saw two of my brothers until I made an effort to go see them. The experiences have been hard to deal with. It has been a struggle for me to learn to live with the "new normal" for my life. I don't get why they seem to think that I don't need any support. Guess it's because they still have their spouse, I don't know. A year after my husband's death, I decided to "kill them with kindness" and wrote a note to each of my brothers families every week. I didn't sent an email, I wrote to each of them with a pen and paper. I just talked about how I was doing, asked them what was new with them, etc., etc. I NEVER got a response, so after about 3 months, I just stopped. One of my brothers actually brought his family to Colorado, about 45 minutes from where I live, and didn't even call. I learned a bout their trip on Facebook. Every time I go back to Kansas, I call the two brothers who live in Kansas and try to arrange a meeting. If I make the effort and show up at their houses, they act like they are happy I am there and we have a nice visit, but underneath, I am simmering! Dick, my husband, and I were blessed with one child. I worry that when I am gone, our son with be totally without family. How is he supposed to feel he has people to "fall back on or depend on"? I have asked by brothers if they are unhappy with me or something, and they respond like I'm crazy. They say dopy things like, "Well, if you need anything, you know you can call." Sigh! It's been four years and I still have times of incredible loneliness and I know that there is not cure for that, but maybe a bit of attention would help. It sure can't hurt? I know that I am babbling, but I have spent a long time wondering about what I can do to change a situation that is not mine to change. I can only change what I have control over and I don't have control over other people. I know one thing for sure, I have learned how it feels and I will NOT abandon them when it's their turn! Anne

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's hard to make sense of your new life isn't it? My husband has been gone for 4 years this month, and I still find myself wondering what I should be doing with the rest of my life and how I am going to deal with the day to day stuff. I too have found myself indecisive, uncertain and hesitant, which I never was before. It almost seems that since I don't have my husband to "back me up", help me make decisions, listen to concerns, help me prioritize, I spent way too much time second guessing myself. It's like I'm in this all alone and if I make a mistake, or piss someone off, the "world as I know it will come to an end". It's so unfair that this person is taking advantage of you. Shame On Him! Don't feel bad about your reaction. You have been through alot and have to learn a new way of being for yourself. Give yourself sometime to adjust. What about little steps? Write this person a letter telling he that you KNOW he is taking advantage of you and it is not acceptable. Tell him that you resent him using the absence of your husband as a way to treat you unfairly. You can start to have your say without having to face him one on one. I know that when I am upset or angry, I find that since Dick's death, I am more prone to tears and hate that. Keep talking to us on this site. You can share, vent, try out strategies and we will back you up!!! Anne

Thank you for sharing. I will be taking this to my women's support group to share. I wish I would have had this 3 years ago. It would have been helpful to share with friends and family. Anne

Harry, Thank you so much for your thoughts. I think I too have matured and have started thinking about how much Dick would want me to fight to get "back to myself". He would want me to be happy and to enjoy life. I think I am finally starting to do that. After the lost of my husband, I totally realize that life is precious. He fought so hard to have life, I need to do the same. I am blessed because I do not have the genetic health issues he fought his entire life, I need not take my gift for granted, but need to make my life matter. If for nothing else, but to honor his respect for life. I miss having someone who "got me". Who shared my sense of humor and laughed at the same things. I Miss That. I continue to laugh and tell Dick how funny I think life is, while trying not to take it too seriously. I have learned that life is short and so precious, just like you. Thank you for your words. They resonated with me! Anne

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so very painful and your emotions are totally out of control. I can reassure you that it does get better. It takes time....lots and lots of time. You NEED to cry, to feel the loss and the pain. My husband of 39 years has been gone 4 years this month. I believe I am becoming somewhat "used" to the feelings of loss, loneliness, being overwhelmed, and having to deal with life alone. It still hurts, but I think that I have felt the pain now for so long that it doesn't surprise me anymore, it's just part of my life without him. Yes, I do still have really bad days. But, I have learned to just accept the feelings, go ahead and cry or whatever, because I know I will make it through. This is a great site. There are always caring, compassionate, understanding people here who will listen, not judge, and share their experiences. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone, we all continue this journey. Don't make too many big decisions to soon, give yourself some time to regain you footing. Anne

Haven't changed my mind. I still very much want you to be my friend! Thank you for sharing the picture of Autumn. Beautiful kitty. My beloved Champion, who I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, is recovering from a terrible ear infection. He is such a brave, stoic soul. The vet was amazed at how bad the infection was and how he never complained. (There is a message in all that which at the moment I am choosing to ignore. ). He is much better and his jolly, chubby old self. The thought of having to say good bye to him is still something I am working through. I hope I have a Marylike friend to be with me with that time comes. Thank you so much for being there! Anne

Mary, I want you to be my friend. You are so compassionate and caring. I will be thinking about both of you tomorrow facing this really, really though ordeal. I have written on this site about my fears for my beloved Champion, so I think I understand how hard tomorrow will be. You are wonderful. Anne

Mary I agree! I used to love Dick's birthday. I loved cooking his favorite dinner, baking his favorite Wacky Cake, purchasing him just the right card and teasing him about being "so much older than me". (He was 4 years older than me) He always made my birthday special too. To me those days are just empty now, to. I'm glad you have planned a busy day. Light that candle tonight and remember how lucky you were to have had a wonderful man in your life. Thinking about you today. Anne

So happy you are finding a creative outlet for your grief. Talking is always good, especially if you can find people who "get it". That's why I appreciate the Women's group at the local Hospice. They get it. However, I think pouring your feelings into your painting is wonderful. I have found that while I am doing something creative and totally concentrating (I am learning to knit) I do feel calmer and at times am able to think more clearly. Now I see why Dick would go to "his space" and draw and bead when he had a bad day. Please continue to share your work. I would love to see how your progress. Anne

Oh Susan, you said all the things I too feel. Bless you heart. I am so sorry for you loss and share your pain. I wish I could say that the missing has gotten easier for me, but I don't really think it has. I think my emotions are not as raw as they were when Dick had only been gone 3 months. For me, acceptance and acknowledgement has begun to settle in. After almost 4 years, I believe I am "getting used" to the feelings of loss and loneliness. It still hurts, but it's not the punch in the gut it used to be. This site has been a life saver for me. I know that I am not alone. I am not the first person to have these feelings and to honestly believe I was losing my mind and probably needed to be locked up somewhere. Hang in there, go ahead and cry all you want, yell, scream, do all those things, but don't stop sharing how you are feeling. Sharing does help us cope. Be gentle with yourself, Anne

Hang in there Susan. It takes time. I could barely remember my name after Dick's death. I started making lists and lists and lists, since I would lose the first one! It was so discouraging and frightening. I was certain I was losing my mind. Sleeping was a huge problem for me so I was always so very tired. It is so good to hear that you are making yourself get out and are getting involved. Doing that was so hard for me. It is difficult to get used to doing things by yourself after having your other half for so many years. Dick and I had been married 39 years. One thing that finally helped me a bit was to blame the grief. My counselor tells me to be gentle with myself; to not beat myself up because I can't remember things, that I worry about everything and to allow myself those days when I just miss Dick so badly. This new life is not easy. God Bless You! Anne

LuvDogs, I don't know you, but I love you. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. My dogs are also my greatest security and support since Dick's death. What would we do without them. They were and still are some days, the only reason I got out of bed. They had to be fed! Champion NEVER lets me forget that he needs to eat! I am so sorry for the reason you have come to this site. We all are wounded and crave support and understanding. Again, thank you for sharing the story of your husband. It is so touching. God Bless You!!! Anne

I spoke with the vet this morning about Champion. Champion has low thyroid and takes medication. The vet says that low thyroid is a classic symptom of Canine Cushing's Disease. Dementia is also a classic symptom. Given Champion's age and the thyroid problem, her guess is that he does have Cushing's disease. There is no cure and we will just treat symptoms as they appear. In her opinion, he probably did have a bit of a panic attack yesterday and by removing him from the snow and talking to him, I did what was appropriate. Now we know that we will need to keep an eye on him and comfort him if this happens again. Given his age, I know that his health will decline and accept that. Now it is our turn to return the devotion and support he has lavished on us. It's a fair trade. When Dick was no longer able to work and was on oxygen 24/7, Champion would sit on the couch by him, leaving only to dash outside to go to the bathroom and grab a bit to eat. If Dick got up, Champion followed him, even laying outside the bathro When I came home from St. Louis alone without Dick, Champion and Sophie were so confused. Champion would run to the car, turn around, look at me and bark, asking me "Where is my Dad?" It was so sad. He and Sophie would run from the front door to the family room; jump up on the couch and sniff where he usually sat, then run to the bedroom, jump up on the bed and look at me and bark. They wanted their Dad and couldn't understand why I didn't bring him back with me. It took them a long time to accept that he was gone. Moving to Colorado helped. Dick had never been in this house. People tell me dogs don't have feelings, They obviously have never had a dog!!! I am googleing Canine Cushing's and will educate and start to prepare myself. We lost Dick father to Alzheimer's, so I kinda know what's coming. My poor baby. Anne

Had a weird experience with the dogs today. Dick and I rescued two dogs before his death. Champion, our All American Mutt, was the first. He is the greatest dog in the whole world. If he was a person, he would be a Hospice nurse, I am totally sure of that. He is loving, devoted, loyal, compassionate, silly, comforting, and just wonderful. He was Dick's true buddy. HRH Miss Sophie, Queen of the Universe, a Parsons Jack Russell Terrier, is the second and actually more my dog than Dicks. She is total Jack Russell Terrier! Champion is, I think 12 years old, Sophie is 8. Both of these animals were such loyal companions for Dick as his health declined and he was not able to work any more. Champion, especially, was so devoted to Dick..with total concentration. Today, I took the dogs to the dog park for a bit of exercise. Champion totally believes water should ONLY be found in his water bowl. He is not interested in any other form or source of water. I noticed him standing in a patch of grass at the park acting strange. He was picking up one paw, putting it down then picking up the other paw. He just looked so funny and wouldn't come when I called him. I walked over to him and saw that he was standing in a patch of soggy grass. He didn't like the water on his paws, but seemed not to be able to figure out how to get out of the squishy mess. I managed to get him to run out of the grass with me to dry land. He was so pleased to be on dry land. Strange. Later, I noticed him standing in the middle of a big patch of snow. He looked so stressed. He was lifting a paw, trying to lick it, trying to lift a back leg, then sitting down. He was panting really hard and when I got to him and put my hands on him, I could feel his heart beating hard and fast. I think he was having a panic attack or something! I had to pick his chubby 45# self up and carry him out of the snow to dry ground. I squatted by him and petted him and talked to him and finally his panting and heart thumping slowed down. By the time we left the dog park, he was his jolly old self. I am beginning to think he is beginning to have dementia or something. I know this probably seems silly to you all, but the thought that Champion might not always be with me almost gives me a panic attack. I know he is getting old and will die at some point, but I am not ready for that to happen. As weeks, months and years pass without Dick, it seems things other than memories connected to him are disappearing. The dogs were things he loved and enjoyed so much. It makes me sad to think about the two of them being gone. Another sucky thing I am going to have to learn to deal with. Again, life is a marathon, not a sprint and we all have to adjust and adapt to what is the new normal. It's just kinda made me melancholy this evening. Anne

Good Evening Everyone! Thought I would update you on how things have been going. I am feeling much better. Made a fast trip to Kansas to "up close and personally" deal with the issues surrounding my brother-in-laws money and some other issues. Not a happy camper having to drive by myself 500 miles from Colorado to the middle of Kansas in January. The weather totally cooperated so the trip was made safely. I remembered and used the statement -- That does not work for me as I talked with people concerning the issues. It is amazing how that statement takes the wind out of pushy, self-important people! A saving account has been opened for the handling of the cash. After I send the check to the bank, I'm totally out of the picture and they can just do what they want with the money, I don't care. I rather climbed up the chain of command with the agency which controls the services Bruce receives and ended up having a nice conversation with the Director. The "That does not work for me" statement became the "Let me tell you what does works for me" statement. The Director was not happy about how the whole mess was handled and apologized over and over for the inconveniences I suffered through. It does make me feel good that they may think about bugging me about stuff for a while. That will be a relief. This standing up for myself and "sharing" how I am feeling about having to deal with this frustration is pretty cool. My counselor has been talking to me about not stuffing my feelings......she may be creating a monster. While back in Kansas, I ran into several friends and caught up on what is going on with them. It was nice to see them and to hear that I look good and that they could tell I have lost 50 pounds! Why do people assume that you have a boyfriend if you finally decide to do something, like lose weight, for yourself? It's an insulting statement, and I, in keeping with my "sharing how I am feeling" told them so! The monster is growing!!! Again, I want to thank you all for listening to me rant and rave and sharing your comments. It really, really helps me! Anne