Anne E

Lance, The end of February will be 4 years for me and I am still trying to discover who I am. The "new normal" is still a mystery to me. All the stuff is still difficult. I try to go with the flow, be gentle with myself, take deep breaths, and on and on. There are some things that I have discovered that I am. I am a survivor. I am strong. I can handle life (most of the time). I still have bad days, and I am learning to accept that and not fight the feelings. I still love my husband of 40 years and miss him every single day. However, now I have more days that are good days and I can remember Dick with such love and those memories are a blessed comfort to me. Hang in there. The journey through grief is not for wimps. Remember that you are not alone!!!!! Anne from Colorado

Bless your heart Becky. That grinch shirt would be priceless to me and I too would take special pride in wearing it on Christmas Day. Yesterday, the mail brought the two "brag letters" we get every year from a could of Dick's cousins. To read their letters, you would think their families never have a cloudy day, it never rains on their parade, they have and do everything anyone could imagine. I can't stand receiving their letters. This has not been a terrific year for me, so I will not be so phony! No Christmas Cards this year. Maybe I'll send 4th of July cards? Who knows. I can't believe how many people I have talked to this year who are having a difficult time with the holidays. They can't put their finger on what is causing them to feel the way they do. They have not suffered a loss, they have employment, they are healthy, they just can't seem to feel happy. I am beginning to realize that perhaps we put too much into a huge outward show of joy, an inflated since of being happy. Perhaps my celebration this year will just be to reflect of the 40 years of living Dick and I shared. The great experiences, the magical moments, the silliness, the disappointments and setbacks we shared and overcame; the mind-numbing fear and loss; the deep love we shared and the knowledge that he is no longer suffering and I have survived and am stronger. I think that's quite a bit to think about and wrap my little mind around. I think this year, I am going to look for contentment and peace. Dick would like that. Anne

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses to my venting. It is hard for me to even tell you how much this means to me. Here's a bit of an update. I am feeling a bit better. Finally, I am sleeping better at night and don't feel so worn out. I just don't deal well with "stuff" when I am overly tired and I know that. It doesn't make it any easier for me to get to sleep when I lay there and tell myself that I will be a gritch in the morning if I don't get some sleep. This is something I am definitely going to have to discuss again with my doctor. I am able to enjoy my little Christmas tree. It is interesting to discover when I look at it the other day, that in my fit of self pity, the decorations I picked out of the boxes to put on the tree are the some of the ones that Dick and I just loved. Today, I am glad I made the effort. However, my feelings about the Christmas Cards has not changed and I refuse to do them! So There! (I'll probably feel very guilty about this in a couple of weeks, but I will deal with that if and when the guilt happens.) Yesterday and today I baked gifts for a very few close friends. Since I moved from Kansas to Canon City, Colorado, baking is a bit of an adventure. The altitude is high enough that some figuring is involved. I didn't get angry, I just got it done and feel good about the effort! The support, advise and suggestions you all shared with me are a gift .... Thank you! Merry Christmas (or Bah Humbug! Which ever fits your mood!)

Kay, My Brother-in-law lives in the middle of Kansas, and I live in South Central Colorado. It's a bit of a drive.

Progress today. The person I have been needing to talk to about the situation with Bruce, my brother-in-law, called again and I was able to calmly, without anger, tell her that I will not be spending time constantly checking with them to be sure Bruce has money. I do not feel that I need to be penalized because one of their care-providers in another town, could not be trusted. Therefore, I will continue to send a lump sum monthly and advised them to open an account with that money, get Bruce a debit card and move on. I feel good about standing up for my self and doing it maturely, without anger. All journeys start with little steps.

Dwayne, I too spent years and years taking care of first Dick's parents as they aged and died and then Dick as his lungs failed and his health declined. I am very used to doing it all. I just, at this moment in time, do not want to do it. I know Dick is up in heaven looking at me and shaking his head in that certain way he always had, which was a his sign to me to "shape up". I understand all that. I think I am just at the point where I have suddenly decided that I don't need to or want to put on that happy face, confident air and determined walk for one more minute. I'm just tired of how hard it is to hold it all together. I'm going to give myself today to wallow in my self pity like a pig is warm mud, then tomorrow, pick up the pieces and soldier on. I'm just not going to think about how much I hate it all. Life is a journey, not a lovely short morning walk in the park. I get all that. Perhaps it's OK to finally have a bit of time when I can admit to myself and everyone else that I am not all that and a bag of chips. That I am a wounded human being who has survived. Anne

I haven't posted in several months. I honestly thought I was "moving on" and doing so much better........wrong I guess. Dick has been gone for almost 4 years. I have been in a "blue funk" since before Thanksgiving. It is just so hard for me to be. Everything drives me nutz. I am so incredibly tired of having to do everything. I am so angry that I have to face everything, I mean everything alone. I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I am so tired of crying and feeling weepy. I don't even feel like trying to be happy, or looking for joy, I do not want to soldier on, I refuse to marvel at the beauty around me. I may just punch the next "helpful" person who makes those suggestions. I am totally, I think, rational. I know I do not have a choice. I just do not want to anymore. Thanksgiving was barely tolerable for me. Then, Nov. 28th can, it was Dick's birthday. I fought all day just to make it through the day. Now Christmas is facing ms. I Don't Want To!!!!! I forced myself to put up a little tree, cried the whole time I decorated the stupid thing, then put all the rest of the decorations back in the garage. That stupid tree will probably be up this time next year. I have always loved our Christmas tree, but am getting no joy out of the stupid thing this year. I have been to my counselor and to the grief support group and have found both helpful, but I'm still pissed. I have all this "stuff" that I have GOT to get done by the end of the year, but I'm on strike! I am the guardian/custodian of Dick's 57 year old mentally challenged brother. The supervisor of the group home where he lives called me to tell me that policies have changed and now I can not send a check for over $75.00 at a time for his "cash" account. Really? I have sent a monthly check for $300 for years. Now I will need to send a check for no more than $75.00 every time he needs something or runs out of money? Really? I hung up on her rather than just explode. All of the federal and state reports pertaining to my brother-in-law have to be completed and mailed before the end of the year. I Do Not Want To Deal With This Crap! There are serious consequences to suffer if I don't get the stuff done and "problem solve" with people , but I just am so mad about having to tend to it all by myself yet again, that I can hardly stand it!! My attitude totally needs adjustment. My counselor tells me not to be surprised about how I feel.........that I am beginning to feel again. Yippee Skippy! I swear, if one more person calls me and tells me I need to "tend" to a problem or something, or asks me to do something for them, I may snap! Thanks for listening. I know what I am going through is just part of the process, but I HATE IT! I want my husband back!!! Anne

Kay, hope today is going better for you. I asked for prayer for you in church this morning, you have been through so much. Hope you are beginning to feel some relief from pain and some peace. God bless you, Anne

I agree with you all. I used to love to cook for Dick. He was willing to try anything and loved to eat. I was always so proud when he would brag about how lucky he was to have a wife to loved to cook and did it so well. I ate many a bowl of cereal over the kitchen sink that first year before I moved to Colorado. Our son is not a very good person to cook for. He's pretty picky, although he will not admit it. He just doesn't enjoy food as much as his father. I really don't get very excited about cooking anymore and rarely try a new recipe. Why waste the time and money when Richard will probably find something to pick out of the food. That just pisses me off!!!!! It is interesting to try to find something to make you feel good about your efforts after the one who always made you feel terrific is gone, isn't it? This journey towards the "new normal" isn't for the faint of heart! Anne

Deb, it does suck and "Loving, Caring Relatives" with gleaming eyes doesn't help! Dick had a 1967 Oldsmobile 442 Chiffon Yellow Air Injected Muscle Car. Yaddy, Yaddy, Yaddy. He purchased it new a few months before we met and really loved that car. It sat in the garage while my car sat in the driveway! Dick LOVED that car and as the years passed, that car has become pretty valuable. After Dick's death, I got the same questions and gleaming eyes from family and friends. Luckily, we have an adult son who also loves that car. We solved that problem by putting the car on a trailer and having Richard take it back to Colorado with him. It is now sitting in the detached garage here and my car sits in the attached car. Richard had a little plaque made which he put on the console that says, "This IS my Father's Oldsmobile". People who haven't gone through what we are going through, don't realize how insensitive, and hurtful they can be. That is what I am choosing to believe. Family knows that the car is here in Colorado with us, but they still ask. I don't understand it. Don't make any decisions until you are totally comfortable making the decision. That's my advise. Just tell them you won't be making any decisions for a while. Maybe that would work? Anne

A service monkey! How totally cool and interesting. Love the way animals love us unconditionally and try their best to please and help us. I understand the problem of steroids and prednisone. Dick's immune system was basically gone pre transplant and gone post transplant. When the head of his transplant team, Dr. Trulock, called children little bug bombs, we both really laughed. We don't really think about all the diseases they harbor. I am so sorry you lost those little helpers because a mother was not thoughtful. That's really hard to accept isn't it? While we were waiting for Dick to be "ready" for transplants, I was like a pit bull. I would barely allow anyone near him. Sometimes I embarrassed him because I would not let people get really close to him, but I didn't care! I would ask people to let me squirt Purell on their hands before they touched him or shook his hand. He called me the Purell Queen! I met everyone at the door, didn't take their temperature which I wanted to do, but I would ask them if there was any chance they could be ill before I would let them in the house. Then I would ask them to sit across the room for him. Now that I think about all that, I think perhaps I was a "bit much"! Thank you for sharing with us. Anne

Guilt, I think is part of the grieving process. We feel guilty because we are still alive. We feel guilt because we feel we left so many things unsaid. We feel guilt because we wonder if we were good enough to our loved one, did we honestly do every single thing we could have done, did we tell our spouse I Love You enough and on and on. I have finally managed to not dwell on guilt. Dick has been gone for 3 years, 4 months, 9 days. The day I realized I no longer remembered the sound of his voice I thought I would die. But I didn't. Now, when doubt and guilt start to try to creep in, I force myself to think about wonderful memories and how lucky I was to have had the love of a terrific man for over 39 years. It's all a process. Try to think positively and dwell on the good times. Be gentle with yourself. Anne

Last week, I was a delegate to the Regional Annual Conference of the Methodist Church. While I was there, Barb, the wife of one of the other delegates asked me to go for a cup of coffee; she wanted to talk to me. So, I happily went off to the coffee shop for what I thought was probably a chatty girl talk about Vacation Bible School or something. We got all settled and she asked ....."Anne, if it doesn't upset you too much, would you please tell me what happened to your husband and why you moved to Colorado9. I have heard some really upsetting things and I decided that I would just ask you." GULP! So, I looked her right in the eye and said, "This is still pretty difficult for me to talk about, but I will do my best to tell you." I then proceeded to tell her the sad story about those years and the very sad ending. It was so hard to think about those days again and relive it all. While I did cry, I was able to have a reasonable conversation with her and answer her questions. She was so gentle with me and I could tell she was trying so hard to understand. She showed me such compassion. We spent almost 2 hours just sitting there talking. She shared with me that when I first started attending church, she thought I was a battered woman or something because I looked so wounded and hurt. She also said that it was interesting to see me now, a little of a year later. That made me feel pretty darn good. I feel I am making progress three years after Dick's death, but it is good to hear someone who is not "invested" in me (i.e. son, brother, best friend) make that observation. I understand a bit about what Mary posted about being ambushed, but feel that enough time has passed that I am somewhat more prepared to deal. Guess the old saying that time heals is probably true. The process is so slow, but it is a process we need to just endure and work our way through. There is sunshine, joy and happiness in the world. It is our responsibility to look for it. While I was at Conference, I bought a devotional book - "little mercies, celebrating God's everyday grace and goodness" by Lynn Coulter. I have been using it for my devotions in the morning and am thinking about finding Joy in God's creation. It is really helping me. Sorry if I'm a bit preachy today, but this is what I have been thinking about since coming home from conference. Blessing, Anne

Mary, Bless you heart. Thank you for thinking of us when you need someone to talk to. We all know that we really can't make it better, but we can listen and sympathize. Hope you can get your feet back under you again and keep on marching. God Bless Anne

Very interesting! I'm from Salina, Kansas and knew the Martins. Our family has eaten many, many meals at the Brookville Hotel (before they moved from Brookville to Abilene! I so remember the death of their lovely daughter and how devastating it was for them. I understand that writing the book has been very therapeutic for Connie. I guess that's why writing on the site is sometimes so helpful for some of us. A book that was very helpful for me was "Here if You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is the true story of her journey through grief. Her husband, a State Trooper, was killed in a vehicle accident, leaving her with young children to raise. She decided to follow his dream of becoming a Minister, went to Seminary and became a Chaplin for the Maine Wildlife Service. Her description of her experience was dramatic, moving, funny, painful and deeply moving. Her ability to keep going every day and eventually find God and her faith again through helping others was very inspiring to me and gave me hope that life would get better. Anne

I am so very sorry! What a terrible situation. Wish I was your neighbor, I'd take care of you!!!!!! Enough is enough already! Hang in there. Thinking about and praying for you. Anne

I think you're brave to even try! Anne

Here are some things I have learned: I can tell a serviceman that I don't believe him when he tells me something I know is not broken needs to be fixed. The whole world did not end with Dick's death, just the world I knew before that event. My world will go on, it will be different, but it will be Life can be less stressful and sad My memory and concentration will come back I can find joy I will miss Dick for the rest of my life Fond memories are comforting I am strong I will laugh again I will never figure out how to add pictures to stuff on the computer!! Technology will always be a mystery to me and that's OK! My dogs are my very best friends and love me unconditionally I can comfort others who are grieving and feel good about helping Getting up in the morning and facing the day can be a good thing I will be OK!!

Count me Jayhawker #3. Dick was a Salina, Kansas native. I was born in Junction City. My father was career Air Force, so we moved around lots. I met Dick when my father got orders to Vietnam and my parents rented the house across the street from Dick's parents for the family to live in while he was gone. Dick was taking a year off from college to earn $$ for another year. It was not love at first sight, but it lasted almost 40 years. We were married in Salina, lived and raised our son there. After Dick's death three years ago, I moved to Colorado to be closer to our son. While I miss Salina, it has been so good for me to close to our son. It's a comfort to us both. Kansans are Awesome People!!! Anne

Pink Pony, If you can find a person who knows you and loves you and that you can really trust, I would definitely ask that person to listen and advise you when you have decisions to make. I made the mistake of not wanting to "bother" other people and I was to proud to have anyone think I could not handle everything totally on my own; trusting my own terrific judgement at the time! While you don't need to doubt and question everything you need to do, discussing huge decision such as moving to another location and all the stuff involved with that, is something you really need to consider with trusted family and friends if they are available. God Bless, Anne

Dwayne, What a beautiful story. It made me teary! What love. Dick and I were married 39 years. We met when my father got orders to Vietnam and he and my mother rented the house across the street from Dick's parents in Salina, Kansas. I came home from college to stay with my mother for the summer, Dick was taking a year off college to earn money for college. We met and did not care at all for each other. In my humble opinion, he was a very tall, skinny farmer looking boy and he was rude to me. However, he did have this really hot car. It was a 1967 Oldsmobile 442 Muscle Car, air injected, chiffon yellow with thin red rimmed tires and just flat cool! (We still have the car.) Long story short, after dating for two weeks, he asked me to marry him and a year later we were married. He was absolutely the love of my life and my gift from God. Dick and I had to accept the fact that we could not have children, so we made application for adoption. He told me he would get me a bentwood rocking chair when we got the baby. After 4 1/2 years of waiting, we had given up the hope of getting a child. We had decided to just be a great aunt and uncle and go on with our lives. It was heartbreaking for both of us. One evening, we came home from work, I went upstairs, changed my clothes, and went to the kitchen to fix dinner. We ate dinner and I cleaned up the kitchen. We then went to the back yard and worked a bit in the garden and sat in lawn chairs enjoying the evening. When it got dark, I said I thought I'd go up, take a shower and just hop in bed to read. Dick seemed very anxious for me to come to the living room and watch the evening news first. With a huge sigh, I shuffled into the living room to find a beautiful bentwood rocker with a huge yellow bow in the seat. The smile on his face was the sweetest thing I think I had ever seen. Three months later, we received the gift of our son. He was rocked many, many hours in that chair. I have not thought about that for a long time. It makes me smile and feel loved to just think about it. Thank you for the nice thought for the day. Anne

What an interesting observation to think about, Melina. My husband, Dick, and was glass half-empty type guy and I have always been a glass half-full type gal. He used to shake his head and say, "You get up every morning expecting to have a perfectly wonderful day and then are so shocked when things go down the dumper!" He was so correct. I totally expected him to be an excellent candidate for lung transplants. I totally expected him to survive long enough for a donor and perfect match to be found. I totally expected him to survive the surgery and to recover nicely so we would go home to live happily ever after. It was a true, unbelievably horrifying shock to wake up and find him lying next to me dead. This was an uncomprehendable event for a Pollyanna optimist. While I was aware of the truth of our situation and was scared out of my mind most of the nine months, I always somehow to think positive thoughts and to find something positive about the situation of the moment. I think the alternative was just overwhelming and unacceptable to me. There was no way I had allowed myself to do much thinking about Dick dying. My grief process has been, in my opinion, long and hard. It has been the hardest thing I have ever endured. While I am still a positive person, there are days I can't find much to be positive about. I spend days just thinking dark thoughts...not as many days as the first year after Dick's death, but there are still days. It's been three years since Dick's death and most days, I see positive, beautiful things to dwell on. I love bright sunny days, birds chirping, my dogs running around being silly, and all that Hallmark card kind of stuff. I guess it's my nature. I believe there is no good way to do grief. I think we just have to get up every day and do the work. What works for me, I'm sure won't work for you and what works for you, probably would not work for me. It's just grit your teeth and take it one step at a time. Hang in there and try not to compare yourself to anyone else. Just treat yourself gently and be in the moment. That's the advise I got from my doctor and it works for me! Anne

YES!!!!! I put a BIG chunk of money in a fixed annuity!!!!! It was a HUGE mistake. I totally feel I was taken advantage of by someone who absolutely KNEW my situation and how lost in grief I was. My money is safe, BUT, I do not have access to it without a HEAVY penalty if something happens and I truly need it. That just pisses me off now. Not that I need the money, but the fact that I can't have it if I need it smarts and makes me feel pretty dumb. We really need to listen when people tell us to be very careful with decisions until we are more emotionally, physically and mentally stable. Anne

I don't know if my experience will help or not, but I too had those attacks. The racing pounding heart, shortness of breath, racing thoughts and an overwhelming desire to get back to the safety of my house. It's been over three years and I seldom experience them anymore. I did have those feelings when I had to face situations alone for the first few times: the hail damaged roof, the plumbing backed up, the hot water heater having to be replaced, dealing with estate issues, new tires for the car, selling the house, moving and purchasing a new house, etc. Even when Dick's health was declining or when he was in the hospital on the ventilator, we could talk about what needed to be done. Having to deal with all life issues by myself was so hard. Three years later, I can do those things without anything more than normal concern. I have been there, done that. I know I can do it, I have done it. Do I enjoy it...NO. Do I still wish Dick was here to talk it over with and share the burden.....YES. Now I think about how pleased he would be that I can handle life in general. That is a good feeling for me. Hang in there and fight the fight daily. You will get through it and feel good about yourself. Anne

Carol Ann, Thank you for the kind wishes. This morning, I had coffee on the patio in the back yard with my dogs. We enjoyed the beautiful weather here in the high desert of Colorado watching the birds. Dick and I were great birdwatchers. He would have totally enjoyed watching them bicker over the feeders. It was a calm lovely morning. Thanks for thinking of me! Anne