Wifflesnook

Thank you Harry

Mary they do have wheels but only so that they can be technically called mobile home. I wonder if it's what you call trailers? Fae, I'm sure Doug is helping you with this. I know I believe that Pete helps me by guiding me often. I'm so pleased that you are healing this way even though it may be a long haul.

Yes, QMary, that is what this wonderful forum is all about. We come here and our feelings are acknowledged. Those who haven't experienced this loss can't be expected to understand. I envy you having two friends in a similar situation. I don't have that but I do have the forum. I'm off on holiday tomorrow to see my daughter and two little grand daughters. We will have a long weekend in a caravan by the sea. It should be lovely. Just a thought. Do you call them caravans in the States? This is a static caravan, not one you can tow behind a car. It's fairly luxurious.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who accused me of 'Wallowing' in my grief. Once he realised how he had offended me he retracted it but ... Isn't it strange how people who haven't experienced firstly great and long-time love and then loss, cannot understand how necessary it is to remain as close as we can to our beloved? And maybe that can be interpreted as wallowing by an outsider? He thought I read too much about grief, little realising that much of what I read is urging me to carry on as well as I possibly can. And indeed I do this as you all know. It just made me know even more deeply how this forum helps me because we acknowledge all the time how hurt we are and continue to be, whilst at the same time struggling on. I do also know that I push my grief aside quite often. Even now, getting on for two and a half years after my beloved Pete died I'm still sometimes denying it happened. But perhaps the most imprtant thing I've learnt is to accept how I feel, just try to walk along with it. This person wants me to try to live a little more than I'm doing. I just want to carry on where I am (since I can't return to where I was when Pete was alive). I think I'm doing incredibly well considering that I never thought I could live if Pete died. I have to continue and I'm doing the best I can. Only I know how hard that is. And you all know how hard that is for each and every one of us.

That is what we all feel when reading what you write, Harry. Everyone's sorrows and pain are different but there are so many parallels. I never could express my grief as well as you do, but I'm honoured that you share it with us. I feel I know at least a little of Jane from reading what you write. Jan

Dear Tonyswife I'm in England too. My beloved husband Pete died over two years ago, but my grief is still very hard. I'm learning to live with it and it's with the help of the people here. Stay with us, introduce yourself, talk about your Tony, and the talking will help. I hardly remember the first year even though Pete died the day after our second grand daughter was born and I spent much time helping our daughter, a single mother. It seems like I didn't lay down memories of that first year. It may be that they were so painful I didn't take them out and polish them like we do with happy memories. Yes, the second year is harder because it's when we come to realise it's permanent (though I still expect Pete to come back somehow). We all need support and you will get that, understanding, empathy, here. I'm glad you found us. Jan

Thank you everyone. Harry my eyes are pricking too, just reading these lovely responses. I'm blessed in many ways. It's easy to concentrate on the negative in our situation isn't it? And our longing for our loved ones will never never go away (nor do we want it to). But I have had a few magic moments since my Pete died and I think this one is the top.

I'd like to share a positive with you all. As I wrote yesterday was my Pete's birthday. I went to a rather unusual wedding in the barn of the farm next door, where Pete's Farewell was held in May 2012. There was a hog roast and a ceilidh band. There were many people I knew. I was called to dance twice and did so! I enjoyed it. I left at 10.20 when it was still in full swing but I'd been there almost four hours by then. A neighbour offered to walk me to my door which I thought was so lovely of him (it's only 200 yards or less). Anyway when I got back I let Kelbi out into the garden and stood there listening to the music and looking at our moth trap. I took a video to add to the ones I'd done in the barn. I had a glass of wine and have Kelbi some company and then I went to bed. In the morning I wS on Facebook messenger looking for the videos to send to a friend and to my amazement in the collection of videos and photos from yesterday appeared copy of a poem hand written by Pete. I still can't understand what it was doing there between the dance videos and the garden one. My iPhone gathers photos in dates. This poem which I must have photographed myself some time (not recently) had crept in and was demanding my attention. And so I read it. And I think, call me deluded though I know you won't, that it was a message from Pete on his birthday when he knew I needed it. I've printed it out and put it on a cupboard in the kitchen to remind me of a magic moment. Here it is.

Dear Donnacas I've been on this forum for two years and it continues to help me. It's somewhere you can reach out to those of is who sadly understand what you are going through. Each person's situation is different but ... My husband died the day after our second grand daughter was born and so I was almost too busy helping her (a single mother ) to grieve properly and even now it seems unreal. All you can do at this early stage is try to deal with all the problems one by one (and I can see that there are many). I do hope you have some family to help you? Please keep writing here and we will all respond and share. Jan in England

Fae is probably right that you should attend to your own needs before embarking on a book even though it's already written in a way. But I hope you do go ahead (maybe a winter project). There are many pieces on here which just went directly into my heart and helped me. How easy or difficult is it to extract a particular writer's pieces?

You all write such lovely things which resonate with me. If people here wrote too often about how well they were doing and how they were moving on, I'd have left this site ages ago. But we write about our loneliness, how we manage to live in the world nevertheless, how we remember how blessed we were, how despite our loss we feel our beloved ones somehow with us. It's my lovely Pete's birthday tomorrow. He would have been 79. I think he wouldn't have liked knowing that 80 was the next milestone but he'd have said he was glad he'd made it that far. But he didn't and I'm having to bear the loneliness without him. And I'm doing it just like you all are. This thread is called Transformations on This Path and it's rightly named. We have transformed ourselves even though we never wished it. I'm invited to a wedding tomorrow. It will take place in the barn where we had my Pete's Farewell. I'm going despite it's being his birthday, because there will be many of our friends there, and because he would want me to go. No one but me will know it's Pete's birthday, but that is ok. I'm hoping I can feel him with me. I really hope I can. Jan

Dear Karen, I'm so sorry you are feeling ill on top of your grief. I hope you can find strength. Jan

Yes I know this. I keep still hoping that Pete will come back. Against all logic. It would make world news wouldn't it? But I still hope. When good and bad things happen we are so used to sharing. I can't get used to it. I'm sorry that writing that heart felt piece has so unsettled you Harry. We are all here around this fire. It isn't much when we only want one thing, and that thing cannot happen. But it's something.

Harry, I echo what,Fae said. The article is so well written and heart felt, I think it will help those who read it. I find that reading about others in similar situations does help me. As to your 25th anniversary, we all understand how the run-up to that will be oh so very hard. And we can't say anything really comforting because 'it is what it is'. But you know we reach out in sisterly/brotherly love.

I wore Pete's dressing gown unwashed until two weeks ago. Then I realised it was getting rather grotty so I was forced to wash it. His unwashed sweaty shirt and pullover are under my pillow

Oh Karen, what a deep pit of sadness that post represents. I don't know what to say. We are all here for you. Jan

It may be different. Kay, but we are still,talking the same language about deep feelings. I suppose that our grief helps us to understand ourselves better, and maybe that helps us to care for ourselves better too. I know I have to care for myself as Pete would want me to. Your George would feel that way wouldn't he?

Beautiful and I love his writing Anne.

It did. I'd written her a note explaining how fragile I still was. They were in the caravan so I gave it to her, became a bit tearful, pulled myself together and stayed half an hour. They've invited me to supper on Monday after we go to see our field. They have three rescue dogs which I think will get on ok with Kelbi. I feel better now I've kind of gained control of the situation. They explained that they hadn't got my phone number so couldn't let me know they were coming. However I'm sure they could gave tracked me down. I think they just assumed I'd be delighted to see them. If Pete were here too then that is true but I've realised how vulnerable I am to unexpected events. I hadn't realised that I walk a narrow path and I'm fine so long as I can keep to it. I suspect you all can understand this. And they've asked me to go and visit. And I know I can't. I can go to our daughter's and I can go anywhere with her, but going alone places I can't do yet. Obviously I go shopping. But .... Well we do what we can, don't we?

You mirror me, Anne. I honestly do not know how I would cope without being able to talk openly here. It's morning here and I'm still feeling fragile after the sudden appearance of. Pete's cousin yesterday (mentioned in Talking Heals). My feelings on seeing her make me realise how very sensitive I am and very vulnerable. I think it was when she said how she and her sister admired Pete when they were young (he was about six years older) and it's sort of hurt me that I didn't know him then and they did. It's like a little part of him isn't mine. Isn't that so silly? But it has upset me more than I can say. I have to seek her out today, hoping that my equilibrium (so hard won) won't be affected. But oh, how we need this place. I reach out to you all and you never let me down. We share our vulnerability and we share the way we cope. Somehow.

We played cribbage too!

Oh, Anne, that is one of the most beautiful and heartfelt pieces of prose I have ever read. I'm weeping as I write. Your Jim was so so lucky to have such a loving wife. And behind those words hides so much pain and so many many hours of hard living. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Oh yes, Fae. That is it exactly. The sense of ownership, someone trying to take over my grief. Ok others are upset about my Pete dying but I can't stand it when they tell me. I remember a friend coming into our house, standing stock still and saying "Oh, this is the first time I've been here since Pete died" and expecting me to feel for her. As if! I will try to understand what I felt. It's exactly what you said, Fae. And Mary, that is also so apt. I feel better already for sharing this.

I would no presume to suggest any changes to this beautiful piece of writing. I wish Pete and I had been able to talk about our deaths, as I think it would help me now. I broached the subject a number of times (before he had the stroke that ultimately killed him) but Pete couldn't bear to discuss my death and so we didn't talk about his either. He did write this poem though and it does give me some comfort. I have not gone away (Pete C.) When I am dead my dearest Do not give way to grief But put aside your misery And let your heart be glad. Remember how we watched the moon And saw the sun in beauty rise. My ashes you will scatter Upon our mother sea Then when you hear the breakers crash Or mark the seagull’s call You’ll truly know that I am there Within the heart and life of all. So when again you feel the breeze Caress your cheek or stir your hair Be sure, its gentle touch is mine And when you hear the roaring gale Or crack of thunder on the sea You’ll know that I am with you still— I have not gone away.

Oh thanks for these responses. I just came here because I was feeling very low. It was sparked off by the sudden appearance of Pete's cousin and husband. I thought they lived in Spain, but they have recently moved back to York about fifty miles away from me. And they have a caravan and are on a little site near here. But instead of alerting me to their coming they just popped in. And I was just about to set out with friend J who was going to cut around the pond in our field. I was so surprised to see them I failed in my usual hospitality (though I did offer them tea). I've got a breakfast with a friend in the morning and a BBQ in the evening so I had to tell them I was busy. They took my phone number and will ring me (they stay for a few days). I've not seen them since before Pete died and I found myself hating the conversation. Pete's cousin is a warm lovely person but when she said "Pete wasn't very old, was he? How old?" I suddenly felt totally angry and alienated from her and I still do. I've noticed this in me before. I don't like people to talk about Pete like that. Like what, you may say. My answer is I don't know. Like he has gone? Oh I don't know. It's as though my feelings, my grief, are very very private to me. I don't want anyone else to share. Anyway reading these experiences helps me. I need to feel hope that Pete and I will be reunited. I need it like you all do. And I need my friends here to hear me when I scream silently. You all know what I mean. Jan