Wifflesnook

Fae, I have just read what you wrote about Mary and Anne and I would like to say I share your feelings. I've had visitors since last Monday (lots of visitors) and so haven't had time to read the forum properly which I've missed so much. It means as much to me as it does to all of you. It is the most wonderful place. My journey through loss has been eased by being able to share. I haven't finished my busy time as I have to travel to our daughter's and look after her two little ones for two days from Wednesday to Friday. I don't feel up to it to be honest, but somehow I hope to cope. Life is lonely even when full of people, and the only people I can share how I truly feel are here, on the forum. Thanks so much. Jan

Sha lady We 'old hands' know how helpful it is just to be able to share. You are still so early in grief. Like others have said you may hardly remember much from this period. I certainly don't, even though I was supporting our daughter, a single mother, with her new baby whilst grieving. I seem to have put down no memories of those early months and have no desire to revisit them. It's still hard but one thing I know is that sharing with someone who has experienced this awful loss does help. We are walking with you.

Kay, Fae, Mary you write so well and so meaningfully and thoughtfully. Now we are left without our beloved ones we think differently don't we? We are more spiritual (in different ways according to our hopes and beliefs), we inhabit a different world than we did when our loved ones were walking alongside us. I'm very aware that my view of life has changed. I'm still searching and I don't have any sure foothold but I too feel that the love Pete and I had isn't lost to me, nor to him. Somehow.

Dear Elly I have had the tears problem, by which I mean despite the depth of my loss (as deep as the world) I find it difficult to cry. I fear it because when I used to cry my Pete was always there to comfort me. I've been told on this very forum that no one cries for ever and that it's healing but still the tears don't come often. And yet my grief is just as deep.. It may be the same for you. You fear the sobs, the total letting go. I hope you can do that because as I say I'm told it's sort of healing (so far as anything can ever heal us). As we keep saying, take care of yourself. At this stage you can't do much more. Take one day at a time. Jan

I'm joining with all of you to link hands with Anne. How can it be that long and yet yesterday Anne? Time doesn't signify but yet we have to measure it.

Just a quick remark from me. We have often discussed what happens to our beloved spouse's ashes here. Two years or more later my Pete's ashes sit on our dressing table in our bedroom waiting until I die and they will be mixed and scattered. It's a very personal issue and shouldn't be rushed.

We can't do much about your loneliness except to say post here. We are all listening. Keep checking in. Keep reading. Keep sharing. You will find understanding here. Jan

Anne my soul mate in grief, I wish I could express myself half so well as that. Everything you say resonates with me. From your heart to ours. Thank you. Jan

Oh no Kay. Hope lovely Arlie is ok.

Oh Kay I do hope your ear gets better. You sound to be busy. You must have mentioned the retreat and I didn't notice. Is it a weekend one? I think it must be a good idea to just get away and think or pray or whatever. There isn't anywhere I could go and lately I'm so busy with this fight against a caravan site and next week visitors and the week after looking after the girls I know I need time to reflect, especially as it will be three years on 7th November that mine and Pete's lives changes utterly when he had the stroke. But when things calm down I will make time

Serene than but yesterday battered by gales. The peninsula was cut off by the waves yet again. Wild weather here.

Yes Kay. You are absolutely right and I'm very aware that my feelings and beliefs have changed. Pete and I were never atheists. We were agnostics if a label is necessary. We were both brought up as Christians but found ourselves unable to believe in the Christian God. However we became Pantheists for lack of a better form of belief. If Pete were still with me (well actually I beleive he is) he would have moved with me into a different spirituality. He and I can never be separated by death. I know that as well as I know anything.

Lovely poem. I don't have the faith in God that others here do, but since my Pete died I do have the strong feeling that death didn't separate our 'souls' for want of a better word, and I talk to him, I've had a few experiences that make me think he is not gone. I can't explain these but I cling to them. Yes, Anne, we are in another time and place even if we stayed physically in our home as you and I have done. It's going to be three years on 7th November since my Pete had the stroke which destroyed our happiness (he died the following May). I have measured time differently since then. I hate to think we have been separated so long but I know in my heart we will never be separated. I love this forum. I don't know how I would have coped without being able to talk to everyone here. Jan

Today, almost three years after my beloved Pete had a stroke which he died from five months later, I was going through stuff in our garage trying to sort it. And my friend, who understands these things, said just tidy up. Don't throw stuff away or give it away until the time is right for you. I pass it on. No one in your situation should feel pressured to do anything except care for yourself. Jan

Dear Elly I am so very very sorry. We are here to listen when you are ready. It helps to talk. Jan

Yes Fae, we do feel like family. As for moving to be nearer actual family I know this was expected of me when Pete died and it came up again yesterday when I was talking to local friends. By USA standards I don't live so far from our son (30 miles) but I hardly ever see him (too busy doing marathons, iron mans, etc), and I live 90 miles from our daughter and two little grands (to use a USA expression which I rather like). When I visit them it's so full on as they are four and two and don't go to bed until toooo late, I long for the peace of home even though I love being with them. When I'm here in the home we loved so much surrounded by sea and river and fields I feel closest to my Pete. I'm 73 now and have to face that one day ..... But until then I stay. At present I'm deeply involved with fighting two different schemes, one to place a new caravan site plonk in the middle of our tiny hamlet, and one to put up a visitors's centre and car parking. Both would change our landscape utterly so I'm fighting. Some might say I'm too old to be affected by them long term but I say I want to do what I can to preserve a beautiful place.

I'm joining the garage cleaners today. My dear friend Sandra is going to help me so there is room to bring my Pete's cactus collection inside for the winter. He would have repotted them by now and I'm not looking after them as I should though. I try so hard to replicate our regular activities even though it's only me. But the garage is chaotic aNd tidying IT will make me feel better I know. I don't keep the car inside it. Pete kept his motor bike there though.

It's hard to accept and I continue to fight that truth. The words are wise.

Oh I love that one. Yes

Truly great news Fae. Jan

Hey Anne where do you find these things? Yes I experience secondary losses all the time. And they occur at times when we might be managing to keep afloat and then wham something happens that our beloved person would deal with or that we would deal with as a team and we go under again. Harry mentioned in another thread clearing the garage. We always did this as a team but much of the stuff there is 'man stuff' becUse we had an old fashioned marriage with Pete doing all the handy man stuff. He also cooked, made bread, shopped with me. All the day to day tasks remind us of our loss. I doubt this will change for me. The pain of doing them alone is less but it's still with me. But how it helps to share with all of you. Thanks for being there for me. I check this forum several times a day. I bet I'm not the only one!

Dear Rita I don't know if you have yet found Megan Devine but she runs the site Refuge in Grief which I find so helpful. She has a recent post called How grief changes. It's so good and she speaks to my heart. She understands grievers like me who cling to the pain because we feel that we are clinging to our beloved person. I think this may not be wise but one thing I have learnt from this journey is that It is what it is. No one can tell us how to feel. We are all different, our losses are different. Our pain is different. But the more you stay with us I think the more you will realise how much we do share. My grief is sometimes sharp and sometimes less sharp. I don't feel strong but I know that my Pete would be (or is) proud of the way I survive the worst thing that could ever happen, that he died first. And that way I bear the pain for us both. And I do it willingly. Because I wouldn't want him to have to suffer like I do. But I shouldn't end that way. I can still find some joy in life. And oh I wish that for you. It's still so early in your grief. I think you will find help and support here.

Fae, I think you are right when you say that we are still here because of our wonderful spouses. We need this site to have our loss acknowledged because outsiders don't understand and never will unless they have lost their soulmate. Does anyone else find it hard to say 'I' all the time when you want to saw 'we' as you almost always did? I never realised how I bracketed us together all the time. It just came naturally because it was always 'us'. I hate that I shouldn't say that and in fact I still do - our house, our daughter, our memories, our life. I agree that the pain is less, or maybe it isn't there every minute. But when it hits (and it does every day) it's just as hard. I miss my Pete more than I can possibly express. I'm coming up to three years on 7th November since he had the devastating stroke which destroyed our happiness and our lives. I can't understand how I have coped with that. But you all know. We cope because we have no other thing to do. Because they would want us to continue, and would hope that sometimes we can enjoy our diminished lives.

I can't just read and say nothing. I feel your pain, Harry, and Fae's and Anne's and Kay's and Mary's and everyone's. Mary said on another thread that it took her years to remember the joy. That is the key isn't it? We all felt the love and the joy. The pain will always be with us but they gave us so much joy. I cling to it. I'm with our daughter and two grand daughters until Tuesday. Which means I'm busy. Which is good. But Pete is here. I know he is.

Oh Harry. It's blow after blow for you. I hope you can find some joy in today somehow. Life is so cruel.