Wifflesnook

Dear AnneW I have had a few experiences. Not enough of course. I think we have to have some hope.

Kay how are you? Have you updated on your health somewhere else and I've missed it?

Anne, the people to whom you gave that talk were lucky people. Congratulations on being able to do it because you must have had to dig deep in your heart to be able to share. Your path looking after Jim for years and seeing him deteriorate was such a very hard one. And since he died you have had to bear other very hard things. The loss of Benji, your health issues. I admire you tremendously. This is a good thread for those of us who have been treading this path for some time. I'm going to come here regularly. I won't always be upbeat but I know that is ok.

It's almost two pm here in England and I want to contribute to Anne's thread. My own journey of loss began three years ago when Pete had the stroke. For six months I was totally preoccupied with visiting him daily and then caring for him at home until he had to go into respite care whilst I looked after our daughter and her new baby. And he died. For months I was in that fog which we all know. Even though I was frequently with our daughter and her littlies and helping her I have almost no memory of that time. It hurts me to even think about it. And then the real pain began as I realised that this was permanent. Now I have reached a plateau. I think this is the state I will remain in emotionally. And my life, like Anne's, is one of trying to make the best of what I can. Anne said how to comfort ourselves. Yes I do that in various ways. I live in the house we moved to in 2001, where we were so very happy. In the wardrobe (closet?) are still hung Pete's clothes. I don't open it often because that makes me too sad but I can't bear to let them go, especially his beloved leather motor cycle jacket. Most of his stuff is still where he left it. Now and again I do find something I can do with bits. Mostly it just stays here. Under his pillow on his side of the bed is a pullover and sweat shirt, unwashed since he last wore them. They don't smell of him any more really but it's a bit of him all the same. On the dressing table in a pewter urn are his ashes waiting until they can be mixed with mine and thrown into the North Sea. I keep everything in the house and garden as near as I can to what it was when Pete was here. He could walk in and would find everything pretty much the same. I am well aware that I sound like Queen Victoria who after Albert's death had his clothes put out every day. Ok I may sound unhinged to those who have lost a lifetime partner but I don't care. If it works for me so be it. I'm comforted by routine. In the warmer months I run Pete's moth trap. In the colder months I light the wood burner. Every night I have two modest glasses of red wine and then go to bed with a hot chocolate. I walk twice a day with our spaniel Kelbi, usually about five miles or more. I work on my research on the area. I read a lot of novels. Every three weeks or so I see my beloved daughter and grand daughters. Not so often do I see our son. I meditate most days. I read a lot of spiritual sort of books. I don't pray because I'm not a conventional Christian. Pete and I were Pantheists but I need a more personal belief system which I'm still searching for. I don't believe Pete has left me. I've had a few experiences which have helped me think he is still somewhere with me. My memories are mainly very happy. When I think of Pete (all the time of course) I feel happy about the past. But I still don't go deep into my loss because I still can't take the pain. I still skate along the top of it. And strangely I still can't really beleive he is dead. I think I'm all the time trying to comfort myself with taking care of myself as Pete would. I do dread the future. I now know that awful things happen. I seem to be surrounded these days with people suffering pain, grief and loss. I suppose that that is because I'm 73. But I'm fearful of illness and coping with it alone. Natural enough. And I know I have to try to stay well if only so that I can be there for my precious family. I do enjoy some things. The place I live, food sometimes, wine, hot chocolate, the love of my dog, the warmth of the fire. Most of all my memories. And I love the comfort provided by this forum. I'm not sure where I would be without it. Since I've been here it's been a place where my feelings are acknowledged. I meet people who know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about my feelings. Like Anne I'm trying to just live one day at a time. I've always been a worrier and I know it's a waste of time worrying. I try to appreciate what I do still have. I never thought I could live without my Pete. I've proved that I can even though at a much more shallow level. I'd like to be like Harry and do more things for others, but I know I do a lot for our daughter and grand daughters. I don't feel strong enough to do much more. So this is where I am. Jan

Kay I think that is becoming true for me. That it's now almost three years since my Pete died and I've reached a plateau of loss. I will never be anything else but sad right through, but I have to plod onward nevertheless. Harry, we watch you in awe and worry about you too. My path trying to find meaning in a life without Pete by by side isn't the same as yours. I don't spend my time helping other people. I do everything I can for my daughter and her two little girls and worry that if I wasn't here she would find life even harder. I try to tend my soul by meditating and I still work on research for my various history projects. I'm going to write something in Anne's thread on Living with Loss. It might help me to think about my life. But this is about you, Harry. I know what you mean about the trite phrases but if we did open our hearts when would we ever stop? How rare is it to truly share our pain, even on here where we can say what we like? We confront the human condition on here whilst people carry on their contented lives as we used to do. I always knew that underneath was an abyss, even when I was happy, but I brushed it aside. And thank goodness I did. Now I have to look into it. But I find now that what keeps me going is the fact that I was truly and deeply loved and I loved back. And no one can take that away from me. And Harry, the reason so many people turn to you must be because you love the reflection of your Jane in them.

Harry that is more than you should be bearing. I can only wish you strength to get through it. I hope you can feel Jane's presence near you in some form even if it's only the strength we receive from being well loved. Please keep posting to let us know how things are going. Jan

She and you we're robbed of time together that you would have both cherished. I'm so sorry Harry.

Time isn't imprtant when it comes to a great loss like that. I'm thinking of you Deborah. Jan

I'm relieved that someone is checking on you Kay. It sounds as though you need medical attention ASAP.

Dearest Anne Thank you for starting this thread which I will hope to add to when I've thought carefully about what my life is like now. I will return! I like this idea. Jan

Oh Kay I'm longing for you to get a diagnosis and treatment. Like all your friends here I'm keeping you in my loving heart as you do always with us. When do you next visit the doctor?

Kay remember that we are all here for you even though we can't hold your ha d and hug you physically.

Dear Melina I can so relate to what you say. When we have been a part of a strong couple (in my case for fifty years) we can't help but feel weak on our own. I've no desire to replace my Pete because he is irreplaceable and I know I have to be strong so every day I congratulate myself (no one else will) at being able to cope with my life even if to me I feel totally diminished now. You can't be all things to your sons. It's too much to expect of yourself. If you can just cope with your own life you are doing well. And as Anne wisely says take it one day at a time. You know you have done incredibly well to be able to manage life on your own. Keep going! Jan

Karen, I'm sure Marty would say that you should say what you like on whatever thread you are on when you want to say it. It's wonderful how words tapped out on a screen can convey empathy isn't it? When we are all so far away from each other physically. We have stayed on this forum because it seems to attract people who feel the same however different their losses are. I wish your grandson could help you more. I'm very aware that people just don't 'get it' and there isn't much hope that they will change if they don't. But we do for sure. Oh my heart breaks to think of you losses. Too much.

Oh Karen, like Kay I am so glad you are posting. I feel so sad for you and I don't know what to say when you have lost both your Ron and your daughter Debbie. But I do know that being here is good. We all keep you in our hearts as you know. Jan

Kay, you are one of our dearest and wisest and helpful members. You are not a woos (whatever that is!). Everyone who comes to our wonderful site gets help and comfort from you. Jan

Dear AnneW you need to talk here. We understand as I think you can see. We can't expect people who haven't had our loss to understand. They just say sorry and move on with their busy lives. Our loss is with us all the time because our beloved one was our complete world. I only talk to people about my Pete who understand what I've lost. Trite remarks about moving on just incense me. Please keep coming here. Jan

My candle is going to be snuffed shortly as its 9.30 pm here and time for bed. I love what you just said Fae. It's true and I love it. I'm going to write it down in my journal before I snuff the candle. Peace to your heart. I wish I had known your Doug.

I just saw this on twitter

Dearest friends, it's eight am here so I've started this day with reading your lovely messages. I shall re-read them later. Today I will be alone and as the weather is blustery and wet I shall spend most of it inside. I will read some poetry (I have the latest Mary Oliver, mine and Pete's favourite poet) and I will think of how very very happy Pete made me. And I hope I will still feel that he is making me happy. Even so. Jan

“Tis a Fearful Thing ‘Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch. A fearful thing to love, to hope, to dream, to be – to be, And oh, to lose. A thing for fools, this, And a holy thing, a holy thing to love. For your life has lived in me, your laugh once lifted me, your word was gift to me. To remember this brings painful joy. ‘Tis a human thing, love, a holy thing, to love what death has touched.” ― Yehuda HaLevi

Fae thank you. I think we all have these traumatic moments, whether our beloved one's decline towards death was a slow one or a sudden one. Ours was a combination. A sudden stroke for a man who was fully healthy and active followed by five months in hospital semi paralysed and unable to speak or eat. The fog we speak of for me began on 7th November 2011, became worse with Pete's death on 5th May 2012, and now I try so hard and often succeed in getting joy from memories. I have a rolling photo frame in the living room and when I see his loved face I do smile. But we can't forget, can we, tnose awful moments when everything changed for us. Thank you and when I light my own candle tomorrow it will comfort me to think that you are lighting one too. I take comfort from being brave. He would, I know, be proud of me. He always was and he still is. I had so much happiness with my Pete and that can't be taken away from me. Jan

Ha but actually she spoke the truth. I was very worried about going and only thought it possible if my dear friend Sandra had gone too. But then Sandra who has emphysema as well as fibomyalgia caught a really bad bug from her grand sons last week and couldn't help me. And then I had that rather fortuitous fall meaning I couldn't drive. And my daughter has managed to get help (paid for by me) so I'm not needed and I'm so relieved. The only down side is that I will be alone on 7th November which is three years (THREE YEARS!!) since my Pete had the stroke that destroyed both our lives for ever. I need to know that I have your loving thoughts surrounding me on that day which is a hard anniversary for me. As you all know. Oh we brave brave lonely souls who just carry on carrying on, don't we? And I truly think that no one else knows what it costs us to do that. It's almost full moon tonight too and I have a candle burning for my beloved Pete and me. Be well everyone. And keep on carrying on. Much love from England.

I fell over on concrete drive whilst feeding the birds, and hurt my knee. I couldn't drive two hours and when I got there I wouldn't be able to look after them well so I've had to say I couldn't do it. Actually not too bad today but I think I made the right decision as I'm certainly not recovered. Fortunately I think our daughter has managed to find someone to look after them overnight and to take them to school and nursery. So I'm resting.

Mary, I wish you every blessing possible. We will miss you. Jan