Wifflesnook

Debi what a wonderful poem. I will copy it out tonight. Beautiful. Jan

My copy of Francis Weller's book is on its way. I will set aside time every day to read it,.

I know I carry Pete within me as I believe he would carry me if the situation was reversed. In fact it sometimes helps me to think about if the situation were reversed though I'm so glad it's me that bears the pain and not him. Yes I shouldn't be troubled that I've not shed floods of tears. I know I've bottled them up because Pete isn't here to hug them away. As he always did if I was upset, oh Anne how we miss them! And know that having reached this plateau it probably won't change much. yes Belleruth is very good. I've tried other meditations on grief and the voices sound synthetic to me. Kind of young and uplifted. You feel they could never know what it's like to be us. But Belleruth is different. dear Anne. I love your posts.

I have just finished listening to Belleruth Naparstek's Meditation on Grief, which brought me to tears. I hardly ever cry but if I could sit with you in body I know I would. Francis Weller's book doesn't come out in the UK until October but I have ordered it through Amazon. My friend, whose husband has recently died, is going through early grief and maybe I can help her whilst at the same time checking in to my own. We inhabit a changed world now don't we? Everything looks different to me. I seem to be too closely connected to the sadness of the world and yet still not able to express my own as I would want. And Pete seems so very very far away. Is it like that for you?

for me too Anne. But now that so much time has gone by for others I don't think anyone around me wants to really know.

Oh lovely account of the holiday. I'm so pleased for you. Now rest!!!!!

I wish you a wonderful time. Do report back when they have gone won't you?

Dear friends at last I've got time to myself to catch up. It's been lovely being with my daughter and grand daughters but hard as we've both had an awful cold which has lingered and I'm still tired. Fae I'm reading how you miss your Doug. It doesn't go away of course. I visited our field today which meant so much to us and it's so hard to see the trees that Pete planted grow so much and him not seeing them. But I do feel in a deep down irrational part of me that he knows. I cling to that and know that all of you, whose loved ones died several years ago share my feelings. The grief doesn't go, it just becomes easier to bear somehow. Jan

This must be so hard for you Harry. You are in my thoughts. Jan

That is lovely. One of the hardest things I find is that feeling that Pete was never even here. All the things he did, touched, made all seem unreal to me and yet were together for fifty years. I wish I didn't have that feeling.

I can't add much to what Fae and others have said here, but as usual your piece is beautifully written, Harry, and I share with you the wonder of your marriage to Jane and the memories. As time goes by I think we find that although it doesn't heal it does soften the pain just a bit, but I still hate the distance it puts between me alone and us together. A marriage like I was lucky enough to have doesn't end with death. That I do know. I wish others around me knew it too. I wish they could see that Pete is within me. But I suppose that is only of concern to me now.

Dear Fae and everyone, I'm having a brief respite of time alone (I think, given we can't have the one we most want with us, that most of us like to be alone) and then it's visitors until next Monday. My friend whose husband died a few weeks ago is needing company and I sense this may be good for us both. She phoned today to ask if I'd had my afternoon dog walk and if not could she join me. I think this may be good for both of us because she will respect my need for solitude too I think. I don't want to leave this wonderful forum but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to help new grievers. I haven't got to first base with my own grief, and wonder if I ever will. My friend said she was having trouble going through her hisband's clothes and I after more than three years still have Pete's in his cupboards undisturbed. But I've learnt many things from this forum and one is It is as it is.

Oh Fae I have just caught up with your news, mixed as it is. I'm still with my little ones until tomorrow and then home. You are in my heart. Jan

I wonder why shoes are so special? But they are. I've still got all Pete's clothes just about, and it's four years this November since he had the stroke. But the shoes seem even more important. It's what they touched the ground in. Strange but so be it. Someone else might have to deal with that if only I can stay in our beloved cottage until I too die. But maybe one day I will deal with them . I don't know. I don't push myself

Your friends on the forum are all with you. I hope it helps just a bit dearest Anne. Jan

Dearest Anne I'm thinking of you and holding you in my heart. Jan

Decluttering is full of emotion when it's the things which belonged to our beloved partners. Three years and more later I still can't do it and I know that is ok. I did find an old tee shirt of Pete's to donate to our campaign against the visitor centre to have a slogan written on it. He would have approved of that! But other things I still can't touch. And I know that is ok. Fae I so admire you. I love your spirit. Mine expresses itself differently but I do have plenty. One of our well loved pop singers from the sixties called Cilla Black died suddenly a day or two ago. Aged only 72. And it was said of her that she never got over the death of her beloved husband 14 years ago. And I so empathised. I have good reason to carry on as my little grand daughters need me whilst they are young. And I've still interest in my environment and the campaigns we are fighting. But if it were not for these .... But enough of negativity. This thread is positive and I've only just come across it. Keep on keeping on!

Thanks Marty. Wise words as usual. I was expecting to be able to be strong but sympathetic because I know how it is, but my own grief just ambushed me. Made me feel guilty to be crying for myself at someone else's funeral, but you aren't surprised by that, with your experience. I will take care as I do not want to let her down. Or harm myself.

I took one look at her face as she walked behind the coffin and couldn't stop my tears. I almost made an exhibition of myself. This is me, who finds tears hard to come by. And leaving the church I was just as bad. I'm wondering how much help I'm going to be? I'm suspecting her grief has released my own. It's taken me by surprise to be honest. She has her family around her right now so she won't need me yet. And I've got my daughter arriving Thursday and she is leaving my eldest granddaughter with me for several days from Saturday for a week. So it's going to be difficult for me to be there for Diane. And it would have been my Pete's 80th birthday on 8th August. One more hurdle. Oh you all know ....

Yes, my default position as it were is low level grief and sadness but then a wave of sadness and loneliness comes over me, usually from nowhere. I'm going to my friend's husband's funeral this morning. They have been married many years and he has had cancer for about 8 but managed to get through with some horrible treatments. She has a lot of family around but I think she will turn to me to some extent. I hope I can be there for her.

Yes I'm reading your beautiful words at seven am. Thank you is all I can respond. I wish I could express myself half so well. I shall read it several times. It's almost time to get up and check Pete's moth trap. I wonder what will have flown in during the night? I will take a photo of the moon garden I made and put it one here. I think you will appreciate it. Namaste

Yes that is good. It is 53 years today since Pete and I married. I can celebrate our wonderful marriage and I want it remembered. But it can't be a happy anniversary when only one person remains alive.

Dear Fae We understand each other. It helps doesn't it? I know others, those who haven't lost what we have lost, don't understand. I love to come here to be understood. I've been reading some poetry tonight and that helps a little. Jan

I'm writing this on our 53rd wedding anniversary and we didn't make it together quite for our 50th. So I've had four now on my own. I loved Harry's post because of the way he just gets it. I find it comforting to read things like that and to know we are a company of grievers who share such experiences. I have many many triggers some of which I avoid and some I cultivate. I run Pete's moth trap and every time I walk to it, record the moths, place them in the bucket so they can sleep the day away and fly away at night I do it in an almost ritualistic way. I stroke the walls he touched, gaze at the full moon we used to look at together. I avoid certain places which I know make me really sad. I still leave his cupboards and drawers untouched (are these UK terms which you may not understand?). I take enormous comfort from remaining in our little cottage. I feel he would be proud of how I'm surviving. I'm very aware that people I know think I've almost got over his death because I join in things, talk cheerfully, etc. and how wrong can they be? But the triggers can take us by surprise. I know I still don't go so deep into the pain as I can. My friend whose husband has been fighting cancer for many years, rang me on Friday to tell me he has died. I sobbed and sobbed. More than I've cried for months, and I realised I was crying for her, but also for myself. That was a trigger alright.

Keep us posted Anne. You know how much we care. Jan