Wifflesnook

Marty that article won't open for me. Any ideas why? Jan

It's lovely Anne. Thank you

The first moth of 2015 in our moth trap this morning. A Common Quaker. A sign of spring

I totally agree. My relationship to the natural world (well mine and Pete's) has always been close but if anything it's closer and more imprtant to ME now. Whenever I see a bird or something as I walk Kelbi it comes naturally to me to say Look Pete there is a magpie or whatever. It seems we long stayers on this site are all nature lovers aren't we?

I love that. Smile, breathe and go slowly. Yes I need that advice. As I said in another post I tend to feel I must engage in constant activity. I've always been that way and now I don't have Pete to say "slow down, Jan". At 73 I should do but it's like when you are cycling. If you stop you fall off

Thank you Mary and for the photos of lovely Bentley

Mary I think we totally understand your reasons for stepping away. I know that when you are helping people in grief you give 100%. I was privileged to be one of those many many who was helped by you and I never forget your wise words and the empathy that you showed to me. Those early months, indeed the first two years really, are a time which I view through a foggy window. Even now I find it hard to think about them. Now I try very very hard to live in the present. My worst sin (not the right word) is trying to fill my time with meaningful activity. Frenetically sometimes, to ward off the grief. But I have learnt to say "It is what it is" and everyone has their own way of coping. After the loss of a life partner everything changes. Absolutely everything. We are all struggling with this. We all know how people who don't indersatnd look at us joining in with things and think "oh how well she has got over his death". How very very little they know. Dearest Mary I wish you strength as you deal with the anniversary of Bill's death and your birthday. I dreamed of Pete last night. I said "Oh you've come back! I've been looking after your moth trap and everything whilst you've been away". It was a wonderful dream and it's still with me. The best I can wish us all is that feeling that they are close. That we can sometimes feel that closeness. Time doesn't have any bearing upon this. And Mary, I'm so glad that beloved Bentley is still walking along side you too. Jan

The spring is almost here. I put our moth trap on last night just in case but it was empty when I looked this morning. But it is a beautiful morning. Fae you look for wisdom from others. We find it in your words. Three years soon since Pete died in May. I put a video on YouTube yesterday of him reading some of his poems. I find I live my life with him inside me these days. I think I will always do everything in relationship to him. He moulded me in a good way. The person I was when we met when I was 20 and he was 25 would have been a totally different one if we had never met. The grief remains and will be with me until I die. I sometimes worry that I fill my life too much with frenetic activity to avoid the grief, but then I hear a wise voice saying - don't fret, just accept what you are.

How did I miss this farewell from my beloved mentor Mary? If it isn't too late I want to say that your wise words almost saved my life when I found this forum soon after my Pete died almost three years ago. It was your acknowledgement that pious words wouldn't help me. That saying that the pain was as bad as pain could get. That even after years it still remained. This is what helped me and lots of wisdom some of which I copied to keep and still have safe. I hope you read this, Mary. Thanks you. Anne said what I wanted to say so much better. Jan

I think we all have an inkling if what Butch is going through right now. My heart goes out to him

I'm sorry you have to wait but I hope you can have a quite mind whilst you do so. Big hug

Yes. I know you will let us know when you hear the results. We may not be with you physically but we are there in any other way possible.

Fae how wonderful to have a dream like that. I wish you many more. Kay I think I know what you mean about feeling comfortable with your life. I try to cosset myself. I do it consciously knowing its what Pete would want. Sometimes when I'm feeling ok I get that feeling that it is because I'm not grieving for Pete properly but I try to put that aside. He is within me. When he was on earth we felt like one soul quite often. Now it's true.

And also I sense you are holding back from telling her about your medical condition and that's a shame though understandable. I wish you could be completely open about that without her putting pressure on you to up sticks and move. You are doing the right thing by being certain that you want to stay and you have no need to feel guilty Anne!

Dear friends Yes time is strange. It was brought home to me by looking at the family videos because Rosie-Mae was born the day before Pete died and so her development runs alongside my grieving but not in a way I can get my head around. The first year I hardly even remember. I went back and forth to Leeds or they came here and the girls grew and changed and I helped out whilst at the same time being in a complete fog of ...... Don't know really. And the second year was worse as I began to realise Pete wasn't coming back. And the third year isn't really any different or better as I make my way through life alone. And yet I bravely continue, and I reach for gratitude because of what we had, and what I still have. And I try to keep healthy and busy so as to be in the world as long as possible for my family and I suppose for myself? Sometimes I feel so puzzled as to what I believe, what I feel, how I carry on. I've always been introspective and Pete and I have had such conversations about things. But one conversation we never had, oddly, was how one of us would cope when the other one had died. If it had been up to me we would have talked about this, but it upset Pete too much to even think about how he would cope without me, and we couldn't just have talked about that, we couldn't just have talked about me without him. So I have to project it.i haven't lately had any moments when he has felt very close but I do beleive they will come. I don't mean he feels really far away. He doesn't really. But I'd like a few times when he gets really close. Oh well onward and upward. It's the start of a new day. Fae I'm listening. I always do. I love what you write. Anne, Kay hugs.

Oh Anne I totally understand this situation. Mine has some similarities. Pete and I moved here in 2001 but we had been coming here every weekend for many years. This place, and particularly our cottage, garden and the friends we made define me now. Our daughter lives two hours away in a big city. I know some people expected me to move when Pete died but I find enormous comfort from being here. It feels near Pete. Also I am independent. I do also understand your daughter's point of view. She is a busy person and she can't come over and see you often. And she feels she wants to be near you when you are going through medical problems. But you don't need to feel any guilt that you aren't prepared to go and live near her if you don't want to. I guess apart from how hard it would be to leave the place you and Jim have been so happy you feel that you would no longer truly be an independent person. Maybe that isn't so, but if you feel that way you need to listen to your heart and put away guilt which isn't relevant in this situation.

Lovely conversation. I feel I am amongst friends. I love this place. No judgement. Just pure empathy and understanding. I've spent a lot of time labelling videos today (family one's including a few with Pete on) and also putting other non family videos on Facebook and Youtube. I've been busy and I've done some useful things. Then I watched a Dutch film on Amazon Prime. It's after eleven PM here and I need to try to sleep. Yes 3-5 years is nothing. Time seems so strange sometimes when we are lost without our loved ones. Time is different. It isn't linear any more. It's episodic. Strange

Marty, thank you for your understanding. I just feel I don't have enough emotional strength to support new grievers. I wish I did. I walked back alone under a full moon last night, lit a candle, poured a glass of wine .... Thanks to everyone for being there. Jan

I follow David Whyte on Facebook and am often struck by the relevance of his poems. I seem to be a different person these days than I was when my Pete was here and we were happy living. Nowadays much of my reading is related to life, death, loss, grieving, spirituality. Its the full moon tonight. I have to go at 6 pm to a meeting along the road (us co-conspirators trying to prevent the visitr centre). These things keep me grounded as does my relationship with my two grand daughters. And yes, my relationship with nature and the garden which I am trying to nurture. Anne put a piece on recently which began A shadow of joy flickered - it is me. I told you I wouldn't leave. My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart. I still love you. I think I get this. Now and again I get that flicker and I think it's my Pete. I've just been reading the pieces from some of our recent grievers. You wonderful people who are giving them support put me to shame. But I won't beat myself up about not taking part. I know they are in good hands.

Anne you continue to inspire us. We are all with you. Hugs

Dearest Anne Medical science is wonderful these days but it has advantages and disadvantages in that so many tests can be suggested. And they may all turn out negatve. And your problem may be a small one. You have done so much for yourself over the last few years and been so brave and determined. I hope you will feel the strength of all these prayers coming through to you. And that the results will show something that can be quickly cured. Jan x

Dear tribe It's early morning here in England. It's very cold though not by some folks' standards but the spring will be here and although every year since my Pete died I have tried to keep our little garden alive this year I feel a different and better interest in doing so. Whenever I get these good feelings I alwasy ascribe it to Pete inside my head and heart. It doesnt matter if this is true. It's true for me. I ordered all purpose compost from Amazon because going to our local hardware store for it and not being able to lift it makes me sad because it was always so easy for Pete. The people at the shop would always do it for me but it's the pang of sadness and being alone which I can't bear and so I avoid it whenever I can. But I'm going to clear out troughs and pots and plant some new things if I keep my health and strength. It's Mother's Day soon and I've just decided to give my daughter a treat by sending her money to have a massage and for a baby sitter whilst she does. She is a mother and she is struggling. The girls are very difficult sometimes and she is a single mother. I sometimes feel I should up sticks and go and live near her but it would be a huge huge sacrifice for me to leave our home and she would never expect me to. So I do what I can. I'm still very involved in the campaign to stop the visitor centre in our little village. It keeps me busy, as does some proof reading I'm doing. I try to feel gratitude daily. I've just completed an on line meditation course, which has been good. I read your posts and feel such closeness to you. I feel our hearts connecting. We oldies, still here, still posting, and some of us helping the newer grievers, are such a bunch of friends. Thank you for being here. And an especial thanks to Marty. X

Dear Butch I don't post often now on here, just on the Tools and quotes threads because I don't feel I can help. My beloved Pete died almost three years ago and it's still raw. But I just wanted to send you loving thoughts from England. I feel for you and you have suffered so much. I hope you can receive strength from somewhere. Jan

I just wrote a long post, went away for a moment and it was gone. I will try to start again. I wanted to say that I am one of the old gang who has been quiet lately. It's partly because I've had my daughter and her two littlies staying for half term, partly because I can't think of anything helpful to say to new grievers, because when I stop rushing about trying to fill my time up with activity I am still just as lost, still just as lonely and still just as sad. I know I'm doing well really. And I think Pete is proud of me. And I'm very aware of the extra struggles that Anne and Fae are going through or have gone through. Anyway I'm reading even if I'm not posting much and I am getting comfort. I think most of you will have seen this posting on facebook from Grief Speaks Out but it really sounds like me. Her name is Jan too! Finish this sentence: As time goes by grieving gets... As time goes by grieving gets harder and easier. It is easier in that I have learned skills to make me be alive with grief. I no longer collapse into tears often and I have more happy and productive moments. I have more gratitude for still being alive. Every day I have spent living without you leads to the day when either we will be together again or I will not know we are separated. Grieving gets harder because I am exhausted with waking up every day and missing you. I still have times when my motivation and my ability to find comfort seem to have disappeared and it is all I can do to breathe. I feel a little guilty for feeling this way after more than five and a half years. Then I remember that many grieving people I know feel the same way and I always tell them to accept themselves where they are and I should do the same. Grieving makes it hard for me to tell the difference between the times when I am doing the best I can and times when I am using my loneliness without my husband as an excuse for withdrawing from love and life instead of reaching out to be part of it. xo

Oh Anne my dear friend I am very very upset for you and I so hope it won't be bad news. You have had too much. Yes I know you are a brave brave soul and you have had too much thrown at you since losing your beloved Jim. I hope you are getting emotional support from others. You know you have it here. Jan