Wifflesnook

Dearest Anne, my partner in grief. My beloved Pete died in the same month and year as your Jim and we walk alongside each other despite the miles between us. After three years we are both finding that those around us think we are over our grief, because they see us doing stuff, smiling, and basically living on in a way which appears normal. How little they know. Inside we grieve and will always do so. I won't generalise but I had my Pete for fifty years. He wasn't just a husband, father, partner, he was an incredible person who cannot ever be replaced in my life. I knew I admired as well as loved him. Now I know that somehow he is with me even though I cannot feel it properly. Anne I love the way you are creating videos. What a wonderful thing to do. I've seen one and I will look at the others. I would think that the creativity helps you feel a nearness to Jim which you need, as when I edit our old videos I feel closer to Pete. Being the one left behind after a long happy partnership is very very hard. Until we lose it we don't properly value what we had. I think we did, but it could never be enough, could it, Anne? I was thinking of making a birthday card for our daughter's 50th which is at the weekend, and on the computer I found many old ones I'd made for my Pete with beautiful verses on them. I'd forgotten them but now, looking again I know one thing for sure. He knew how much I loved him. We all have regrets and in our situation we have to try to ignore them as our loved ones would want us to do, I know Anne that you feel enormous gratitude for having had Jim for so long, and that he will be with you as long as you live. I hope that those newer to loss will find a little comfort from reading our stories. They may think "What, isn't it time they moved on?". Well all I can say to anyone who thinks three years is the time to feel closure is the size of the love is equivalent to the size of the loss. My relationship with my Pete isn't closed. As long as I live I will consider myself Jan and Pete.

Good to read that Fae. I find that I still can't think of having a mission for my future life though I'm deep deep deep in fighting against this visitor centre in our little paradise at Spurn. It's providing me with a structure which I need but basically without Pete I do feel I'm treading water apart from that. But I do take a hint from your attitude. It's early morning here and there is a lot going on with our campaign, but I am slightly worried about our little grand daughter who was sent home from nursery with a slight temperature. I'm sure it's nothing but sometimes I feel I am teetering on a tightrope over a chasm. Do you know what I mean?

Thanks. That is another one. His approach is interesting and needs careful Attention.

This is a YouTube video by Eckhart Tolle which is very thought-provoking

Oh thanks. I've just come back from a hectic weekend with two beautiful grand daughters. I took one of my Pete's home made cards and now I'm back its on my mantle piece with the rest. I had a nice time. Jan

Dear Lightdancer I loved what you wrote. Jan

Yes I've learnt that too. I do have days when things are fairly ok. And just now and again for a nano second I have that lovely feeling that I'm really ok. And I wonder where that comes from? Is it a memory of how things used to be when Pete was here physically? Or is it a communication from him? It lasts just a second and is gone. It's like a memory flash. I can't explain it but it makes me realise that my default feeling is sad/passive/hurting but when I'm busy I forget that. And then this lovely flash comes just now and again.

Yes you will find people here who understand. I'm the same distance away from my beloved Pete's death as Anne is and like her I find it almost impossible to remember the first year afterwards. And the second one was more painful as its when it sinks in that it's going to carry on being that way. I suppose I can say that the third year I've found a bit more equilibrium but I feel the pain often. If that sounds a bit bleak I hope you won't take it that way. I've always found that what helps me is to hear people,acknowledge my grief and pain and not tell me it will go away. It changes. It changes you. You cope. You get stronger. I feel for you and I hope you will talk to us. Jan

Yes I know what you mean Kay. I would be the first to admit that in our marriage Pete was the stronger personality. And even now I guess his influence upon me is strong. But as we say here "it is what it is". If I wanted to do something that I know Pete would disapprove of I wonder what I would do? To be totally honest I can't imagine it. I'd probably just believe he would approve of!

I'm thinking, Anne, that I should let music speak to me. I think that you do, don't you? And I know that your feelings mirror my own except for this avoidance of pain. I suppose I go for the question I always turn to. "What would Pete think was best for me?". I think he might say that whatever makes me feel closest to him is good. And music does that. I'm glad that on this forum, even after more than three years, we can share feelings such as this without someone saying we should try to move on or away or whatever. Everyone has a different way of coping. Mine involves clinging closely to memories, trying to keep Pete close, whilst at the same time giving outsiders (and even close family) the idea that I'm ok, when basically I am not, nor ever will be. I can speak so frankly because I know you get it.

Dear Anne I followed your link to Dvorak. We went to a concert when this was played. It brought the memories back. I still tend to avoid music because it pierces my heart. It bypasses the words and goes straight through to the raw grief. And it still is raw. I'm thinking of you as you celebrate your lovely grand daughter's birthday and remember your lovely Jim. I agree with Fae that your wonderful soul shines out to us on this forum. I feel just as you do. It's my own birthday soon and it's another without my soul mate. I'm buying a lovely statue of a Moonhare to go in our Moonhare garden. And I've also ordered a Moonhare candle holder and some aromatherapy night lights to put on it. I've got into the habit of lighting a candle when I sit in the evening with a glass of wine. It represents Pete to me. And my dear friend Sandra told me yesterday of her visit to a medium. Her partner was killed 20 years ago in a motor bike accident. She made the appointment with the medium via mobile phone and she can have known nothing about her. But what she told Sandra was uncannily correct. I would never dare go to a medium as I'd care so much about the outcome I feel it would be dangerous for my psyche. Sandra agreed with me and said she had waited 20 years before she could do so. I don't know what I believe but I was impressed with her account of it. And I know our dear Mary told me that she visited one and found it tremendously comforting. Anyway I will hold you all in my heart as I light my candle tonight.

Dear Kay I've been away so missed this thread. I think ten years, three years, five years, we miss them. And always will. I am glad you managed to fill your day. But I also know how utterly inadequate that is. Jan

Dear friends I did a new hard thing today. My car had to be collected from a town ten miles away and a friend gave me a lift to the garage. I couldn't take the dog because she isn't the sort of dog who sits quietly in a car. She has to be in a crate. Our field was near where I collected the car so I decided I needed to go alone. I took two roses from our garden. I walked along the lane in tears. I went into the field and saw that the oaths had been beautifully cut ( I pay a friend to do this). I took secateurs to clip branches off the path. I laid the roses on a bench by the pond. I didn't stay long but this is the first time I've been alone (last time was with my daughter and her two little girls, the time before I took Kelbi). It was very very sad but I'm still pleased I did it. You will all know .....

It's perfect Anne. Thank you. I'm working on acceptance. No I tell a lie. I'm not but I should be. I've read what you've written and its time to get up as it's almost 8 am here. I will return to it. Thank you. X

Everyone I think we have all realise that other people done get it. Maybe they can't get it. And like Anne I come here because it's the only place I can find people who understand that I need to have my sadness and loss acknowledged. Kay, I'm so sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. You give so much to others. Please receive a big hug from England and thanks.

Yes that is also what I meant when I said earlier that I'd prefer it is me who has to be bereft and not Pete. I'm not an unselfish person really but I think deep love makes us truly want the best for our loved one.

What resonates with me most of what you said is about the neediness. I think we here understand that. I grew into my relationship with my Pete from a young age (I was only 20) so we became entwined early. But we were always our own persons nevertheless. Now that I'm alone I don't need another person to complete me because the only person who could do that isn't here physically. He is within me. Ok I need him but I'm realistic enough to know that I can never have him. For me another relationship will never happen. I had one offered to me and I learnt from that offer (if I needed to) that it was not for me. I know we should never say never but .... What I do know is that we shouldn't enter another relationship through neediness because it wouldn't work. Anne, I'm just the same with regard to the sadness. I can feel joy and it usually comes from my beloved grand daughters. I can make myself comfortable. But the sadness will never leave me. Sometimes I feel so wretchedly alone. When I feel that way I turn it around to feeling glad that I'm bearing this awful sadness for Pete who never had to know it. Any loving relationship has to end with one of the couple bearing this misery. Isn't that so very sad? But isn't it true? Unless both die together. I guess I ought to end these thoughts on a positive note but it's difficult. But I was so fortunate and so was Pete. And so we're all of us here. Our continuing presence shows that. Jan

Yes and that fits totally with what I just put up on a separate thread. We are a club. Only members understand.

Kay, it doesn't sound strange to me. The grief is so tangled up now with the love, and the missing them, and the loneliness that we need to embrace it. That is why I can't relate to the moving on. I don't want to move on as whatever anyone says to me, to me it means moving away and I can never move away. I am defined by my love for Pete. Maybe if I were younger it might be different. I don't know. But the best of my life has been lived with Pete. I love our grand daughters deeply and I want to remain as well as I can so that I can be part of their lives. But really I am a shadow of what I was. The odd thing is I can pretend so well to be all here and fool people. But I don't need to pretend here.

Yes that is how I am too. It's evening here and I'm going to light my candle so Pete can be with me somehow.

I watched it instead of my meditation. It's beautiful and what a lovely tribute Anne.

Yes Anne, I truly believe I am doing the impossible. Before Pete died I would have thought that living still would have been impossible. But I am still here even though sometimes I wish I were not. Yet I know I must keep myself alive as long as possible for my grand daughters sakes. And maybe I still have things to do. But sometimes .......

You put it so well Anne, we know.

Dearest Anne I too am thinking of you in a very special way today. I've got my family here so can't light a candle but I will be lighting one in my heart for you and Jim. Jan

Well I think that is a good quote. And I think it helps me where I am now in life. On a walk today I met a man probably about my own age and he asked me if I was the author of a book about this area. I said I was and we got chatting. It turned out that his wife had died (I think he said 6 years ago) and he was trying to get back into birding. We managed to have a conversation without breaking into tears but they weren't far away as we agreed that life was hard without our life partners. We agreed that only people who have experienced this great loss can ever understand. I think the conversation helped us both just a tiny bit. And this quote makes me ponder. Did I used to think that the purpose of my life was to be happy? That life owed me happiness? Yes maybe. And what do I think now?